Meteor Mags: Omnibus Edition

by Matthew Howard

  “Whatever. I read lots of books.”

  “Yeah, but I mean one that wasn’t all pictures?”

  Donny laughed, but Fuzz slugged him in the arm. “Screw you, Donny.”

  “She said it, not me!”

  “Alright,” said Mags. “Settle down, numb nuts. What’s your point?”

  Fuzzlow ran his hands over his mane of dreadlocks. “Rhea was the daughter of some king or other. And his dickhead brother forced her take a vow of chastity, to be what they called a Vestal Virgin. They were like priestesses or some shit. They never married and never had kids. Instead, they had a duty to guard this sacred fire so it could never go out. And that’s where this asteroid Vesta gets its name: the Vestal Virgins.”

  “But you said she did the nasty with the god of war,” said Donny.

  Fuzzlow chuckled. “Right. That’s why dickhead threw her babies into the river to drown. But a she-wolf found them, and suckled them, and they survived.”

  “You mean they sucked on wolf titties?”

  Fuzzlow slapped his forehead. “Yes, Donny. They sucked on wolf titties.”

  “That’s awesome. Wait, is that legal?”

  “Donny, you are such a tard sometimes,” said Mags.

  Fuzzlow picked up his wrench and got back to work. “Legal or not, it must have been some good milk. Those two kids went on to found Rome.”

  “Whoa.”

  Celina’s voice came over the shop’s intercom. “Hey! Is anybody down there?”

  “Hi, sweetheart.”

  “Hi, Fuzzy love. Have you seen Mags?”

  “I’m right here, Celina.”

  “Mags, come up to the club please. Right away. Plutonian’s here, and he’s—I don’t know exactly. But he keeps asking for you.”

  “I’m on it. Let me get Patches.”

  ★ ○•♥•○ ★

  Plutonian’s head rested on the table. He slumped over a black box and clutched its handle, his knuckles white with exertion. “The world,” he mumbled. “A sacred instrument.”

  Celina sat next to him, resting her hand on his arm. Tesla lay under the chair, whining nervously.

  “What’s wrong with him?” Mags asked. Patches dashed past her feet and made a bee-line for Tesla. She licked his face and mewed. “Is he hurt?”

  “I don’t know. He seems okay, physically. But when he came off his ship, he just collapsed. I practically had to drag him here.”

  Mags pulled out a chair, taking a seat next to the DJ. “Plutonian. Hey. Talk to me, man.”

  “A sacred instrument.” His voice slurred. “Can’t control it.”

  “Come on, dear. Look at me.” She picked his head up, grasping his hair and supporting his cheek in her gloved hand. “Look at me.”

  He opened his eyes without seeing her. Mags inspected them, looking for signs of concussion. Then she said, “The world is a sacred instrument.”

  “Yes,” he said. “One…”

  “One cannot control it. He who controls it will fail.”

  “Yes. Yes! The one who—”

  “The one who grasps it will fail.”

  “Yes,” he said. “The one who grasps it.” He released his grasp on the black box. The color came back into his knuckles.

  Mags slid the box away from him, to the opposite edge of the table. “There you go, dear. It’s going to be okay. You just relax.”

  “What are you saying to him?” Celina asked. “Is it some kind of secret code?”

  “Hardly. It’s a verse from the Tao Te Ching. It must mean something to him.”

  A light dawned in Plutonian’s eyes. He rubbed his hands over his face. “The space between Heaven and Earth. Is it not like a bellows?” He took Mag’s hand and squeezed it.

  “Empty, yet never exhausted,” she replied. “It moves and produces more.”

  “Empty.” Plutonian shook his head as if to clear it. “Oh, my god. Mags. Celina. I was freaking out, wasn’t I?”

  “I’ve seen worse,” said Celina. “What happened to you?”

  “Did you go the Ghost Moon? Talk to us, man!”

  Underneath his chair, the cats curled up together. Patches purred, calming her friend.

  “I did. And I’ll tell you what happened. But, first. We got any rum in this joint?”

  Mags laughed. “I think you’ll be just fine. Let me get some glasses and a bottle.”

  “So there I was,” Plutonian began, “just listening to the most wondrous song. It couldn’t have been sound, not in the vacuum of space. But my new receiver was picking it up loud and clear.”

  “From where? The Ghost Moon?”

  “That’s what I thought at first. And to be sure, that ragged scrap of rubble Mags and Tarzi left behind is kicking out some interesting radiation. But then I realized I had a second signal in the mix. And it seemed to be coming from something locked in orbit with the moon. So I checked it out.” He took a sip of spiced black rum then swished the liquid over the ice cubes in his glass. He watched the way the light made tiny rainbows on the liquid’s surface.

  “Well?” Mags demanded. “Did you record it? Is that what’s in this box?” She reached for the box, but his hand gripped her arm.

  “Don’t.”

  “Come on! I want to hear it!”

  “Wagtail, would you let the man finish his story?”

  “Fine.” She slammed a shot of rum. Then she pulled out a pack of cigarettes, passed it around, and lit everyone up.

  Plutonian exhaled a puff of smoke. “I got the recording, Mags. And it’s amazing. But I don’t even know if it’s safe to listen to.”

  “Is that why you came in all fucked up?”

  Plutonian nodded. “Maybe. See, there was something else out there. But it was small. Much smaller than the moon. So I moved in closer. And the sound… Did you ever read Goethe?”

  “I read Faust, years ago,” said Celina.

  Mags puffed her cigarette. “I hate German poetry. It sounds like a train falling down the stairs.”

  Celina laughed. “That’s bullshit. You liked the Rilke I read to you!”

  “Yeah,” said Mags. “But Rilke’s cool.”

  “Okay, listen. There’s a verse where he describes this sound. ‘As it moves about, there is music without cease. In heavenly tones, it pours out who-knows-what. And while it moves, all is turned to melody now: The pillared shafts, even the triglyph, ring. I think the whole temple sings.’ That’s what it was like.”

  “Sounds pretty,” said Celina.

  “That’s because it was in bloody English.”

  “I mean the music!” Celina tossed back a shot of rum and slammed her glass on the table. “Go on, Dr. P. Don’t listen to her.”

  “As soon as I moved in and got a lock on the signal source, guess who showed up?”

  “Don’t tell me,” said Mags. “Those goddamn lizards.”

  “The MFA?”

  “You’re both right,” said Plutonian.

  Mags pounded the table with her fist. “Fuck! Together?”

  “Yeah. Can you believe that?”

  She shook her head. “It’s worse than I thought. If those creeps have cut some kind of deal, it ain’t gonna be a happy ending for anyone. Not Earth. Not us. And not anyone in the Belt.”

  “You got that right. The lizard’s ship looked like the big one you described, and with it were two standard MFA patrol boats. My alarms started going off to beat the band. I figure they all came from my blind spot around the other side of the planet.”

  “The MFA never gets out that far. They stick around the Belt, where the smuggling action is. So what the hell were they doing out there?”

  “Nothing good,” said Celina.

  “Fuckin’ A,” said Plutonian. “I knew I was outgunned. So I decided to get the hell out of there. Except I couldn’t. It was like the ship was frozen in space. I panicked a little right then, but I noticed the other ships weren’t moving anymore either. And then…” Plutonian stopped to sip the last of the rum from his
glass.

  “Then what?”

  Plutonian, lost in thought, watched the liquid run over the melting ice cubes. Then he looked into Celina’s eyes, and then to Mags. “I know it sounds crazy, but this music got even louder. And with it, this incredible light. Like every color of the rainbow. No, that’s not right. It was like colors that don’t even exist. Millions of them. And the music kept building and building, and the light got brighter and brighter. I couldn’t see Tesla at all, or anything really. It was like we were engulfed. But it wasn’t scary. I mean, it was at first, but then totally calm. I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt like I wasn’t just listening. I was being listened to. Then I guess I blacked out.”

  “I felt like that before,” said Celina.

  “For real?”

  “Strewth. But it’s been a long, long time.”

  “What happened?”

  Mags chuckled. “We still don’t have any idea.”

  “It’s a long story,” said Celina, “but the short version is that once upon a time, me and wagtail went on a little walkabout in the outback. And by the time it was over, I got what I wished for.”

  “What’s that?”

  Mags smiled and took another shot of rum. She looked at Celina with loving eyes.

  “I wanted to live as long as my best friend here. But that story can wait, Dr. P. You finish yours!”

  “Right, right,” he said. “After my blackout or whatever, I woke up. And it was the damnedest thing. There wasn’t anything left of the other ships but some wreckage floating near the Ghost Moon, getting sucked into its orbit. And there in the middle of the cabin, just floating in the middle of the air, was this—this thing.”

  “This thing?” Mags asked. “Can you think of a better word, man?”

  Plutonian laughed. “No, I can’t. You just have to see it for yourself.”

  “Is that what’s in the bloody box already?”

  “I didn’t know what else to do, so I just walked up to it with this soundproof box, and closed it in.”

  “What difference does it make if it’s soundproof?” Celina asked. “Didn’t you say it was broadcasting in the vacuum?”

  “Like I said, I didn’t know what else to do. And it didn’t really stop the music. Not until I turned off my new recording gear. So for all I know, it’s still broadcasting right now.”

  “Okay, let’s have a gander at it.”

  “Not here in the club!” Celina shouted. “You just want to open Pandora’s Box and let out who knows what the fuck right here in the club?”

  “Come on now, convict. I’m not daft! But I bet the ship’s got a recording we can look at.”

  “I can do better than that,” said Plutonian. He pulled a small tablet from the side pocket of his cargo pants. “I made a video first.” He touched the screen a couple times then handed it to Mags. “But I’ve never seen anything like it.”

  She watched in silence for a moment. “I have. I’ve just never seen one that wasn’t a computer model.” Mags held the tablet so Celina could see, too.

  “Oh, wow. That’s gorgeous. What is it?”

  “I don’t know,” said Mags. “It reminds me of a rectified 5-cell. But if I had to guess, I’d say it’s more complex. Like a 24-cell. Or more.”

  “A what?”

  “A rectified 24-cell. See how this thing looks like it’s spinning? But as it spins, the shapes inside it seem to change? It’s like watching a projection of a rectified 24-cell rotating through 3-D space. You’d never see one in real life, because we can only perceive objects in three-dimensional space. But the bloody thing exists in four spatial dimensions. As it rotates, it looks like—well, it looks a hell of a lot like what’s on this screen right now. Only this thing—this is way more complex. Look at how the shapes seem to become other shapes as it moves.”

  “It’s like every shape imaginable is stacked inside that thing, somehow.”

  “Exactly. And you think this is the same thing that was orbiting near the Ghost Moon?”

  “It has to be,” said Plutonian. “It’s what was making all that music.”

  Mags covered her mouth with one hand and then rubbed her face. “There’s only one thing this can be. This is part of the machine that saved Patches.”

  “Bloody hell,” said Celina. “It destroyed an entire moon, and then a bunch of ships, and nearly drove our DJ bonkers—and we’ve got it sitting in a box on the table? Get it the fuck out of here!”

  “Relax, dear. I think if it wanted to kill us, we’d be dead already.”

  “Still,” said Plutonian, “it wouldn’t be a bad idea to find somewhere else to store it. Wait. What do you mean if it wanted to? Are you suggesting it’s intelligent?”

  “We know it works on more levels than just sound. But it seems to be totally chilling in that soundproof box. Maybe it’s cooperating?”

  Fuzzlow appeared in the doorway. “Hey! Everything okay in here?”

  “We’re fine, Fuzz.” Celina waved him over.

  “Are we still on for that test run? Donny and I got everything ready to go on our end.”

  “Shit, I nearly forgot.” Mags placed her hand on Plutonian’s shoulder. “Listen, dear. We got a thing we gotta do. What do you suggest we do with your little discovery here?”

  “I think Celina’s right. This is no place for it. But it’s too amazing to just toss into space again. Why don’t I take it to an uninhabited asteroid, for starters?”

  “Are you sure you’re up for it?”

  “Yeah. But do me a favor. Keep Tesla here. And give me the rest of that bottle of rum!”

  Mags smiled. “Alright, Mister DJ. But if things get hairy out there, you radio back, okay?”

  “Deal. And what are the three of you testing?”

  A wicked grin formed on Mags’ face. “My new pets. I’ll tell you all about it when you get back.”

  Plutonian knelt down to scratch Tesla’s face, taking a moment to rub Patches’ ears too. “You stay here, buddy. I’ll be back before you know it.” Then to Mags, “Watch out for Tesla for me. And when you’re done with your tests, check out the audio files on that tablet. Just be careful.”

  Then he left, carrying his incredible discovery with him.

  ★ ○•♥•○ ★

  “Can you hear me up there?”

  “Got you loud and clear, willie wagtail. How does the suit feel?” Celina and Fuzzlow watched Mags on a monitor from inside Club Assteroid.

  Mags spoke into the microphone inside her protective suit. “It feels like Rick James is grabbing my ass. Hard. But other than that, okay I guess. Better than the first time I tried it on.”

  She surveyed the selection of potential victims at her shooting range on the surface of Vesta 4. Three cybernetic eels hovered around her, slowly circling. The Faraday suits she and Tarzi had “liberated” from the asteroid lab on their last adventure had clearly been designed for men, as Mags had discovered to her dismay minutes before taking on a ship full of dragons. But after a few weeks of work in the machine shop, she and Fuzzlow had tailored one of them to her curvaceous specifications, with enough room to tuck in her tail. “Tell Fuzz he needs to learn how to measure a woman’s butt.”

  Celina’s voice responded in her earpiece. “He says to tell you to learn how to not slap the shit out a tailor who is trying to measure your butt.”

  Mags grinned. “Okay. Let’s do this before I have any second thoughts.” Unlike Tarzi’s seahorse, which had operated under control of a ring, the trio of electric eels was ostensibly controlled by panels on the back of Mags’ gloves. But Fuzzlow had shown her circuitry inside the Faraday suit’s helmet, circuitry unlike anything either of them had ever seen before.

  “What the fuck is all this then?”

  Fuzzlow had scratched his head. “Can’t say, Mags. But seeing as how it’s in the helmet, I would guess it picks up on mental signals.”

  “Great. All I need is my brain fried—again!”

  He shrugged. “Worst c
ase is, you give yourself an electric lobotomy. And then you’ll suck at math as much as the rest of us.”

  “Ugh. You just make sure Slim has my notes on wireless power if that happens, okay? We’ve come too far on that project to lose it all to an eel migraine from hell.”

  “You could always, like, just not try out a totally alien technology you don’t have a clue about, you know?”

  “Fuck that. Let’s fire these bitches up, Captain G-Style. I’ve got a war to wage!”

  Now she wondered if that was really such a good idea. She had seen what Tarzi’s little seahorse had done to a dragon warship. She hoped a trio of meter-long eels would not vaporize the entire asteroid.

  Celina’s voice came through the earpiece again. “So what’s first, Mags? Target practice?”

  “Yeah. But not with the eels. Let’s see if they can stay the hell out of my way first.” She took hold of an FN MAG machine gun from her armory. She had spliced together a few fifty-round belts to feed into it. Pointing it downrange at a rusted van three hundred meters away, she pulled the trigger.

  Her eels instantly snapped into a new configuration around her. They stopped circling her to take up positions above and behind her. Their tails crackled, whipping the air as they prowled behind her back.

  Mags almost forgot they were there. She riddled the van with bullets. Then she hit the gas tank. The van exploded in a ball of fire.

  “Mags?”

  “Um, whoops? Must have forgot to drain the petrol.”

  “Sure you did.”

  “When have I ever lied to you?”

  Celina chuckled on the other end. “Did you see what the eels did?”

  “They got the fuck out of the way.”

  “They’re watching your flank.”

  “They are, aren’t they? Let’s see how they like this.” Mags picked up a bullwhip. She swung it around and around in a circle above her head, then snapped the handle forward. The whip cracked in front of her. But the eels simply spread out. “They know when to step off. Now let’s see if they can keep up.” Mags grabbed her shotgun and ran towards her targets.

  The trio of eels followed her, keeping pace, never advancing beyond her, never falling behind. When her eight rounds were exhausted, the eels resumed their circular swarm around her. She felt a strange thrill come over her. They certainly were paying attention.