Myself (Selfish Series, #2)

by Shantel Tessier

  She throws her hands up in the air. “I don’t wanna discuss this.” This time, she’s the one who goes to walk off, but I stop her.

  “Oh, no. We’re gonna talk about it,” I snap. “Answer the question,” I demand.

  Her lips thin, and she yanks her hand from my hold. “Like you don’t already know.” She jams a finger in my chest.

  “I don’t know,” I say, spreading my hands out wide to my side. “If I fucking knew what your problem was, I would have fixed it four years ago.”

  Her eyes widen, and her mouth falls open. “My problem?” she asks. “My problem? I didn’t have a problem.” She tries to shove me, but I stay planted. “You were the one who lied to me,” she shouts.

  “How did I lie to you?” I ask confused as fuck.

  “You fed me full of so much bullshit that next morning—”

  “No, I didn’t,” I interrupt her.

  She throws her head back, laughing as if I’m funny. “You really thought you could get away with it.”

  “With what?” I demand.

  “Jasmine came and saw me, Jaycent. She told me everything.”

  “Jasmine? Jasmine what ...?” I ask, shaking my head. “Why would she come and see you?” We had been broken up for six months by the time I slept with Becca. Sure, I still heard from her. She may have been the one to break up with me, but she didn’t think I was going to let go so easily. She wanted me to chase her. She was pissed when she realized I wasn’t going to.

  She crosses her arms over her chest. “So we’re gonna play this game?” she asks, arching a brow.

  “What game, Becca?” I ask totally confused. “Why would she come and see you?”

  “The game where you pretend you really did care for me. And that you really did want to go to Seattle!” She rolls her eyes.

  I wanted her to stay here, but I also offered to go with her. I would have done anything to be with her. “I would have. But you chose Conner.” I throw my hands up in the air. “The man who literally thought nothing of you.” I lower my face to hers. “The man who would rather use you than actually love you.”

  She sucks in a long breath, and her eyes start to tear up. Fuck! I take a step back from her and run a hand through my hair. “Yes, I chose Conner,” she whispers. “I chose him because you were already taken.” I look back at her. “You didn’t belong to me. And as much as I wanted you to, you were never going to. I did what was best for you.” Her chest is rising and falling fast now as her eyes are full of tears. The first one just waiting to fall.

  “I don’t know what you thought was best for me, but you were what was best for me,” I tell her as I cup her face.

  She shakes her head, throwing my hands off. “I felt bad for cheating on Conner, but I could never forgive myself if I had taken you away from her.”

  “Who?” I ask, searching her watery eyes.

  “Jasmine.”

  There’s the mention of my ex-girlfriend again. “I don’t understand what she has to do with this. With us.”

  The first tear finally falls, and she brushes it away quickly. “You had walked me to the front door, and after it had shut, I had sat there in the foyer thinking about you. Trying to decide how I was gonna break it off with Conner. And how I was gonna tell my family about us.” She swallows. “I had loved you for so long,” she admits softly. “And you were all I wanted.” She looks up at me, and another tear rolls down her cheek. “And sitting on the cold floor drunk and missing you like crazy, I decided I was going to stay. To tell Conner and my parents to hell with whatever they were gonna say. Because I believe I was meant for you.” I stay quiet, not sure of what to say. I never got that impression when I spoke to her the next morning. When she told me to walk away.

  “I must have sat there for ten minutes when there was a knock on the door.” I frown. “And I jumped to my feet so fast, I knocked over my mom’s entry table, breaking a glass vase. But I didn’t care; I answered it, thinking it was you. Wanting to see you one more time. I actually thought that after what we had just done you would want to be with me.”

  “I never went back ...”

  “I know,” she whispers. “It was Jasmine.”

  “She was there?” Becca nods. “What was she there for?”

  She looks away from me. “She told me that she had followed us to my house and watched us have sex in the back seat of your car.” She sniffs. “She said that she understood why you would sleep with me. You pitied me.”

  “Becca, that’s not true.”

  She looks up at me, and her teary eyes make my heart squeeze. “She told me that she already forgave you. Then she rubbed her stomach and told me that she was pregnant with your baby.” My eyes widen. “And that she wanted you to sleep with me because it wasn’t going to happen again. You had bought her a ring and proposed. And that I might have had you in the back of your car, but she was going to have you forever.”

  She sniffs again, and I grab her hands in mine. I bring them to my lips and kiss them. “Becca, sleeping with you had nothing to do with pitying you. I did that ‘cause I’d wanted you as much as you wanted me. And Jasmine ... she was never pregnant.” She had lied to her. I’m not surprised. I should have seen the signs that following morning when she couldn’t even look at me. The regret she must have felt.

  New tears fall from her eyes. “I spoke to Ryder before I left for Seattle and asked how you were doing. I didn’t wanna call or text you and have her see it. He said you had taken some time off work to get away because you needed some space.”

  “I did,” I say with a sigh.

  “Why? Did you lose the baby? I’ve never heard you mention a child,” she adds. “I’ve wanted to ask so many times since I’ve returned but was too afraid.”

  “No.” I shake my head quickly. She’s not listening to me. “Sit down.” I sigh, and she sits down on the side of the bed. I sit down beside her and turn to face her. “There was never a baby, Becca. Jasmine lied to you. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since we broke up at your eighteenth birthday party.” She frowns. “I did leave because I needed to get away.”

  “From what?”

  I lick my lips. “Because you broke my heart. For once in my life, I knew what I wanted, and it was you. And you chose Conner over me. A man who repeatedly treated you like nothing. I wanted to treat you like a queen. I couldn’t get over it.”

  She sniffs. “I didn’t know.”

  I lean in and kiss her soft lips. “I’m so sorry, Becca.”

  “Why? I’m the one who pushed you away.”

  “I should have fought more. Harder. But maybe it was meant to be this way.”

  “How can you say that?” she asks, looking around my room as if for an answer. “We’ve wasted four years.”

  I smile. “How can you say that? You got a degree. Now, you have amazing plans for your future. And Ashlyn, you wouldn’t have met her. And now, she’s with your brother. No matter how bad it hurt, I believe everything happens for a reason.” Even I don’t believe what I’m telling her, but I’m trying to make the best of a situation that should have never happened. But it’s too late to change it now. All we can do is move on.

  She’s silent for a few long seconds, her eyes looking into mine, before she speaks. “I swear to you on everything that I’m not talking to Conner. And I will change my number tomorrow.”

  “I believe you,” I say truthfully, and then my chest tightens. Her mom is paying him, so I’m guessing the bastard is gonna keep showing up. Changing her number won’t make a difference.

  “Come here,” I say, pulling her in for a hug. I kiss the top of her head and smile. “So you loved me, huh? Still feel that way now?”

  She shoves me away, laughing, and I grab the back of her neck, giving her a long, deep kiss.

  She pulls away eyes closed and breathing heavy. I think she’s about to say it, but instead, she licks her lips and then stands, making her way to the bathroom and closing the door behind her.

  **<
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  An hour later, I sit across from her at her favorite restaurant. It’s a small little pizza place just a couple of blocks from ground zero. It only has twelve tables, and normally, they don’t take reservations, which means the wait to get in is always around the building this time of night. But I stopped by earlier and dropped them a hefty tip to make sure a table would be available for us.

  I push my pizza to the side as I look over at her. Her dark brown hair is still freshly fucked from earlier, and her makeup isn’t quite as perfect as it was, but no one would notice. Her white linen dress brings out the green in her eyes and the tan on her skin. Something is wrong with her. She hasn’t said much since we left my house, and she wasn’t all that happy to come here. Not that I thought she would be anyway.

  “What’s wrong, babe?” I ask.

  She shakes her head, not looking up from her slice of pizza. “Nothing.”

  I reach out across the table and grab her hand. She lifts her eyes to meet mine. “Why are you lying?”

  She pulls her hand away and sighs. “I just have a lot going on.” She brushes me off and grabs her pizza. She takes a bite of it and then looks back at me, nodding her head. She tries to give me a closed lip smile with the food in her mouth, and I laugh at her attempt to prove to me she’s okay, but it’s not gonna work.

  “Like what?” I press her. She’ll crack. Becca doesn’t do well under pressure. Not this kind of pressure. I know she’s excellent at keeping secrets, but she wears her emotions on her face. That’s one thing I love about her. There’s this smile that she has that tells you she’s genuinely happy. And when she gives it to me, it makes me feel like her hero.

  She swallows her bite and then takes another one. I know what she’s doing. She’s trying to buy time so she can come up with something to tell me. I’m not gonna back down, and she knows it.

  The waiter comes by and takes my plate. “Thank you,” I tell him, and he takes her almost empty Coke to refill it. “Come on, Becca,” I say when she decides to stay quiet. “Tell me.”

  She drops her pizza and leans back in her seat, wiping her lips, and I try to hide my smile. She’s gonna tell me.

  I hear a phone ring, and she digs through her purse. “It’s Ry,” she states before answering it. “Hello, Ry.”

  I don’t hear what he is saying, but her eyes widen, and she gasps, placing her hand over her mouth. I lean over in my chair. “What’s wrong?”

  She holds up her free hand and gives me the finger as in to give her a second. “Yes. Of course. I’m on my way.” She hangs up and shoots to her feet. “We have to go.” She starts looking around for our waiter who is already returning to our table with a now fresh glass of Coke. “We need our check, please,” she says in a rush.

  “What’s going on, Becca?” The moment the words leave my mouth, my cell rings in my pocket. I pull it out. “It’s Ryder.”

  “Answer it,” she demands.

  CHAPTER NINE

  BECCA

  I make my way into my house on shaky legs. My body still trembling from what Jaycent and I just did in the back seat of his car. My chest is still slick and my panties stuffed in my purse. My skin burns, and my eyes are heavy.

  I shut the heavy wooden door with my back and fall to the tiled floor. The room spins, and my limbs are heavy, but I can’t stop smiling. It was better than I could have ever imagined. And afterward, he held me on his lap. He ran his hands through my hair and kissed my face and lips. He couldn’t stop. I didn’t want him to stop. If only I had all night with him ...

  I can’t leave him, not like this. Not now that I finally got what I wanted. It was worth that long wait. All those years. I should feel bad that I cheated on Conner, but I don’t. I’m gonna break up with him tomorrow. And then Jaycent and I will go from there. It’s gonna be hard. It’s gonna be a freaking mess with my parents and Ryder, but I’m at the point I just don’t care. It’s my turn to get what I want.

  A knock comes on the door, and I jump to my feet. My leg hits the table in the foyer and knocks it over. Glass shatters, but I ignore it as I answer the door with a drunken smile. It falls the moment I see a bleach blonde with blue eyes standing there—Jasmine.

  “Jasmine?” I ask in surprise. I look over her shoulder and see nothing but the circle drive and water fountain in the center of the property. “What are you doing here?” I ask, trying to stand on my weak legs.

  “I saw you and Jaycent together,” she says, placing her hands on her hips.

  “Uh ... I ...” I try to think of something intelligent to say, but I have nothing.

  She flips her bleach blond hair over her shoulder. “I understand why he did it. I mean he does pity you.” She laughs. “Who doesn’t.” Her eyes look me up and down, and I close the door a little to shield my body from her. Ashamed and embarrassed.

  “I’m sorry ...” I try to say, but my mouth is suddenly dry. “Didn’t you guys break up?” I ask confused. It has been six months since my eighteenth birthday party. And I haven’t seen him much since the kiss in the bathroom on my eighteenth birthday.

  She smiles at me as if we’re best friends but doesn’t answer my question. “I just wanted to let you know it won’t happen again.” She places her hands on her belly. “Jaycent is gonna be a dad.”

  “What?” I ask, trying to catch my breath. I’m wondering just how much I had to drink and if this is truly happening or if I’m having a nightmare.

  “I’m pregnant. Fifteen weeks. And last night, we decided to get married.” Her smile grows. “That’s why I don’t mind that you guys hooked up. ‘Cause once we marry, he’ll be all mine.” And with that, she turns and walks off.

  I sit in the passenger seat of Jaycent’s car, and I watch him. Just like I did the night we had sex in the back of his car, but only this time, I’m sober and pissed!

  That bitch lied to me! She made me feel like a piece of shit for sleeping with him. I hated myself. And for those next four years, I believed Conner was what I deserved. I had slept with a man who was expecting a baby with another woman. And the fact that I believed her made it worse. I was drunk, and she took my heart, ripped it out, and stomped on it. And now four years later, I realize it could have all been avoided if I had just told him that she had come to visit me.

  I bow my head and shake it. “Everything okay, baby?” he asks again, and then his hand is on my lap, grabbing mine. He rests it on my thigh, and I try to smile.

  “Yeah,” I lie again, placing my other hand over our joined ones. “It will be,” I say, looking out the passenger window of his car as we pass all the tall buildings.

  Right now is not the time to think about Jasmine and her vindictive ways. She’s in the past, and I’ve given her too much thought over the past four years of my life. Right now, Ashlyn deserves all my attention. “She’s got to be mad at me,” I whisper.

  “No,” he assures me. “Ryder said they were both okay.”

  “Okay? He said that when he walked into the kitchen area, Conner was shoving her.” I shake my head. “I told the woman at the front desk to let him in. It’s my fault.” Ryder had called me and told me what Conner had done. I still feel sick to my stomach.

  “It’s not. It’s Conner’s.” He pulls up to the Q’s and comes to a stop at the valet. Before he gets out, he turns to look at me. “This is what drives me nuts about you,” he all but growls.

  “What?” I ask with a frown.

  He releases my hand as his car door is opened by the valet, but he doesn’t make a move to get out. “You take responsibility for everything he does. For every time he hurts you. Or someone else. You blame yourself. Nothing is your fault. It’s all his.” His light brown eyes bore into mine. “Say it. It’s not my fault.”

  I let out a long sigh. “It’s not my fault.” But we both know that was a lie. He is right; I always take responsibility for Conner, but this time, it is my fault.

  We make our way up to my and Ashlyn’s apartment. Jaycent holds the door open for me, an
d I come to a stop as soon as I see Ashlyn. She has a smile on her face as she looks over at my brother in the kitchen grabbing a beer out of the fridge.

  “Jaycent?” He gives him a head nod. “Want one?”

  “Sure,” he says then looks down at me. “Do you want one?”

  “No thanks,” I say and then look back at Ashlyn. Her hair is up in a messy bun and wet. She has a red sucker in her mouth and a dreamy look in her blue eyes. She doesn’t look like someone who just got attacked.

  “Are you okay?” I ask, walking over to her.

  She finally looks over at me as I come up to her. “Yes.”

  “Are you sure?” I ask, pulling her in for a hug. “I’m so sorry, Ashlyn,” I say as my throat tightens.

  “Hey,” she says, pulling me away from her. I quickly brush the tears away before the guys can see them. “I’m fine. I promise. No worries.” She gives me a smile, and I laugh awkwardly. Only she would be this happy after getting into a fight with someone.

  We make our way over to the white leather couches. Of course, Ryder and Ashlyn pick one together, leaving me and Jaycent to sit on the other one. I sit all the way to the far right, and he sits to the far left.

  They start to tell us what happened, and with every word, I feel worse. What if Ryder hadn’t been here? Then what would have happened to Ashlyn? Could she have stopped him? What if he had killed her? That thought makes bile rise in my throat.

  “Where were you?” my brother asks me, bringing me out of my thoughts.

  “I was shopping,” I say and then cringe at my own words. I’m a horrible liar. Plus, it’s a little late to be shopping.

  “You hate shopping,” he states.

  I shrug, trying to think of something to add to the previous lie. “I needed a new dress for your birthday party.” Not a total lie, but I can’t look at him as I say it. I really do need a dress for that, though.