Jake looked up into the mirror to see his brother's eyes on him, he smiled, "Yeah - she just needs some time, and he'll get tired once he knows it's really over."
Ben said nothing more, he'd dismissed their words already. He figured that maybe they were too old to realize how much energy a woman like her was worth expending to get - not to mention, to get back. Even so, the good thing was, at least there was time, maybe not much, but some time. In that time, he would be her friend, he would be to her what she needed most, and in the meantime, he would take advantage of what time might be left to spend with Isaac and Darren. He would be glad for that time, to watch them, encourage them and witness their silly antics that made you see why having babies, little ones, was a joy and a wonder to behold. He didn't know where, or how - but somewhere in his future, he hoped to have one or two of his own; the idea of having one to nurture from birth, thrilled him to no end, bringing a smile to his face. Yes, whatever time he had, he would use it to the fullest, and use it right, so she could see, would know - how much they were made for each other.
* * *
At the house, things had settled down, Angela and Sasha were in the room, watching movies there, while Joseph slept in the basement on the sofa sleeper with the big screen TV playing softly for him. They'd gotten a chance to talk to their mother, and she reassured them she was okay, and that their dad was okay, even though - truthfully, she didn't know. By the time Crystal left the house to sit out in front of the porch, her mother had gone to bed, talking softly to Meribel.
It was so quiet, so peaceful - and yet, within Crystal, there was no peace to be found. She was glad to see, for now, no Victor. Yet, the alone time was not all that it could be, not as tranquil as she wished, it was missing something, or - someone.
Ben
She missed him.
Right now, she wished he was there, sitting next to her, holding her hand, so they could softly talk as they'd grown accustomed to doing since they'd come together. She loved talking to him, because he listened - he gave his full, undivided attention to all that she would say, hanging onto her every word. Never interrupted her, not when he sensed that she really needed to talk. His way of being intimate with her, was in the way, he held her hand. Both hands flexed open and closed, missing the sensation of his large warm palm closed around them, caressing reassuringly, loving her with his tactile way. She hadn't realized how sensitive hands could be, or how much they could feel, being held, until him. A gesture that might seem simple and of little meaning to some, she realized had all the meaning in the world between them. When Ben held her hand, an indescribable sensation travelled throughout her body until it reached to the core of her brain, where she could actually feel it - and feel something shifting, changing inside of her body - it seemed to flow from her brain, down the back passage of her spine, to infuse her entire being. It was almost like a cooling balm that whispered softly, gently, 'It's okay, relax, it's okay, I'm here, shhhh - no one can hurt you now, I'm here.' Yes, the sensation said that and so much more, it said, 'Come inside of me, hide here - hide here, I will always protect you.' and her body responded, it relaxed, it calmed, it could breathe, so much so, she felt if she could just curl up beside him, feel his arms around her, he would sooth her, not touch her; expect anything from her, just caress her until all the hurt, no longer hurt. She knew, if she asked that of him, he would freely, willingly give it, would treasure every moment.
She missed Ben, right then, her awareness of that fact, went deeper than her panic over losing Victor. Suddenly, she realized, there was no labelling, or categorizing, or reasoning for why she missed him, she just had - and now, she realized there was no reason to miss him, none that she could think of.
"Ben... oh, Ben." She sighed his name. She closed her eyes, laid her head back, and conjured images of him, of them in her mind. The first time they'd come to be really aware of one another, when she and Angela had locked Mundo out of the house, and he begged Ben for help, to let him back in. She'd challenged Ben, thinking he would back down, no - not Ben, not only did he not back down, but he scooped her up, to her shock - playfully roughing her up and deposited her out of his way. She'd been stunned, the inside of her stomach had actually squeezed within her. She wondered if that was the beginning? Their many talks - they actually talked to one another, on an equal footing of discovery that both enjoyed. And oh, to see him dance, to see him move, moves sultry, hypnotic and sexy. With a Spanish flare, grace and rhythm that shot straight to the core of her being, beckoning her near, daring her to step up to him, to be handled by him, moved by him, seduced by him. Crystal wrapped her arms around herself, smiling gently as she dreamed of him, the twinkle in his eyes, or better yet, the fire in his eyes when aroused; the fire in his eyes when angered. She hadn't a clue of what it was about him, and him alone, that made her feel so many new and wonderful things, including, this feeling of being a woman, that if she wanted to she could depend on him, rely on him to be all things a woman needed a man to be. She hugged herself and smiled, imagining him there, sitting behind her, hugging her close, talking softly in her ear. She could also imagine them, old and gray, happy and content, sitting together, holding hands, talking, and would still have so much to say. She heard the approach of a car coming down the road, lifting her head, opening her eyes, unwrapping her arms from around her body, she looked to see who it might be, dreading that it could be Victor; hoping that it might be Shawn, Ben and Jake returning.
To her surprise, as the car pulled up, she saw that it was Ben's brother, Kevin. He parked at the curb, glanced at her, and then across the road at Ben's car, cut his engine and got out, greeting her right away from the distance. "Hey, um, you wouldn't happen to know where Ben is, would you?" He asked, closing his car door and making his way towards her. "My mom and I have been trying to reach him." He explained, stopping before her.
"He left over an hour or more ago with Shawn and Jake to check on Derrick."
"What? Why? What's going on with my uncle?"
"He's upset over having told Meribel about her condition, I think she reacted to it hurt, it upset him. Now, no one knows where he is."
Kevin sat on the garden bench next to her, staring off across the road, muttering finally, "Man, every time you turn around, there's something else, huh?"
"Yeah, unfortunately, that's life."
"Tell me about it, and now, Quincy is in the hospital."
"What?! What happened to him?" Crystal sat forward, moved and concerned.
"Thankfully, he's okay, he thought he was having a heart attack, my mother thought he was as well. She rushed him to the hospital, they have him hooked up to all these machines, to check him over just in case. I think he'll be okay, we just wanted to find Ben, let him know what's going on. Tried his phone, no answer, that's why I came by."
"I bet he left it behind, it could be anywhere, in the studio, his car or in the house. I can call Shawn, let him know what's happening?"
"They just left you said?"
"Yeah."
"Nooo, no sense in putting them through that, having to turn back now. I would have you call if I thought he was in serious condition, but - think it's a bad case of indigestion maybe, something like that, trapped air, or gas. It was making his heart skip and palpitate; he's okay for now."
"Long as you're sure?"
"Sure, no worries. How are you? Why you sitting out here by yourself this time of night?"
"It's a nice night, perfect for thinking, working stuff out."
"You mean, like with your husband?"
"We're divorced."
"Ah, yeah - that's right. If you don't mind my saying, I've heard about it from Ben - he pretty much tells me everything. And from the latest, from what he told my mom, I would have thought you'd have gone back to your husband - or - as you say, ex-husband, by now."
"Huh? What'a'ya mean?"
"Well - from bits and pieces I've picked up, is it right, that you only filed to get his attention? That right? To push him
into seeing that he was about to lose his family? That so, or no?"
Crystal's eyes were wide and fixed on what he was saying, and slowly, she nodded, then said, "Well, yeah - I did."
"Ah, so uh, it worked then huh? I mean, now, he wants you back, so what you did worked after all. What's the hold up now?"
Crystal once more gave a wide eyed stare.
"I sure hope, you're not letting my brother interfere; I mean, he's a good guy and all, I know first hand but - geez..." Kevin paused, took a deep breath looking from the ground at his feet and then up to Crystal, with a shake of his head, "... I sure hope you're not letting him influence your decisions, I mean - as his brother, I love him, but - what he's doing to get in close to Shawn, is wrong - just plain wrong."
"Huh?"
"Look, I know Ben - all of his life, he's daydreamed about his real father, wanting to be known by him, wanting to know for sure, that he is, his father. Hell, you know about all he's done and gone through to know the truth. Now that it's out, he wants Shawn's favor - what better way to get it, than to hook onto you? That's not right." Kevin shook his head, "I can't believe how far he's willing to go, but he's not thinking about any one but himself. I mean come on, you've got two little boys - who have a father, but he's taking over them to make sure he gets you. My mom says he had them and brought them by the house the other day, she was going on and on about how cute they were; yeah well, that's good, but what's that all about? Ben should know better. I'm not saying he wouldn't be good to them, I know he would be, don't get me wrong, but - boys need their own father. Ben of all people, is a perfect example of that. After all, you couldn't have had a better step-father than Quincy, yet - it wasn't enough. Ben still needed to know his own father, search him out. Ben wants Shawn's approval so bad, he's willing to come between you and your husband, to fit in here, be apart of this family. I mean, he even fought your husband - that right? They get into a fight?"
Crystal tried swallowing down the boulder in her throat, her eyes fixed on nothing past Kevin's head, she nodded, feeling a numbness move over her.
"See, it would be different if you two weren't married, if you didn't have two little boys, then yeah, hey - I can see him fighting for you. Fact is though, supposedly, you didn't want the divorce in the first place, it was just to scare your husband, what's his name?" He asked smoothly.
"V-Victor." She murmured softly.
"Victor, yeah - Ben told my mother, he claimed to be tricked by his mother, something like that, never saw the papers? Never wanted the divorce? Poor guy, he must be going through hell. Crystal, take it from me, I know; if he never signed the papers, and he's going through all of this to get his family back, sounds like to me - he's getting the raw end of the deal here, why? Because of my brother, Ben?"
She sat, saying nothing.
"Look Crystal, it's your life, it's your business - and what I'm about to say, is to no disrespect to you, but right is right - if he never knew about you filing, never saw the papers, never signed them, and wants you back - why are you putting him through all of this? At least be fair." Kevin paused once more thinking about what he was saying to her, "All I can think here is, that obviously, your vows didn't mean to you, what they meant to him. And your sons, they're little now, maybe having a good time with Ben, but what about later, when they start wondering, why their mother left their father? That time will be here before you know it, I've already seen it with Ben. I'm telling you now, they will resent you once they know the truth, just like Ben resented my mother - wouldn't even speak to her, for weeks. You want your sons looking at you like that? Feeling that way about you? I'm telling you, they will. I love my brother, but for this - he's wrong, he shouldn't be interfering - it's not right. I just had to make you aware, of how this all looks, how it makes you look. I better go. Hey ah, keep this between us, he finds out I said anything to you, he and I will be fighting, but, I couldn't just stand by and watch it happen, knowing what's going on." Kevin stood and walked away - heading for his car, he climbed in, started it and pulled off slowly, waving goodbye to Crystal.
She sat numb, feeling strange - his words for the most part like tingling needles pricking her all over her body. His words made her feel embarrassed, ashamed - his words made her feel the very things she'd tried her whole young life not to feel about herself. She sat thinking about all the things she could have said to him, but why? In the end, the truth was, she had filed to get Victors attention. She sat thinking about all the stuff she thought about; which may have been trigged by Ben's presence. How Ben was with her, the difference in Ben and her husband, Victor. Regardless of what Victor did, she was the one that struck out, hitting him. Her actions were the ones that sent him out the door so long ago. Jeanine or no Jeanine, it happened while they were separated - not together, and it was orchestrated by his mother, and according to him, a one time event. How did one decipher which sin was the greatest? His cheating on her one time when they were separated, or her jumping on him and hitting him because of the things he would say to her? What man wanted to go through that? Her body felt so weird, everything in her felt strange. Fact that faced her, which she could not deny to herself any longer; her mother sent her to school, to college, to get an education, to better herself. Not, to meet a guy, fall for his smiles, his attention, get screwed, get pregnant and end up the way she was at that very moment. Coming to a conclusion in her mind - in the nutshell, she made this bed, all on her own. Crystal reached up and grabbed her hair, wishing she could snatch it out, "Stop thinking! Just - stop thinking! Don't - don't think anymore, don't!"
'You know what you have to do - you know what you have to do! This mess is yours - no one else's, not your mother's mess, not Shawn's mess, not B...' She bit into her lip, to stop thinking about it. She bent over at the waste, holding on tight, 'Do it, just do it! Just do it!' She shot up from the bench, quietly entered the house, looked at the door of her mother's room, the light was out. She softly stepped to the room she shared with Angela and eased the door open, both girls were out cold with the TV playing. She crept in quietly, looking for her purse, and put it on her arm, then went to the closet, easing the sliding door panel open, grabbing her overnight case and suitcase, carrying both into the hallway by the front door; placing her purse on the floor, with the suitcase that she'd opened wide; back in the room with her overnight case, she loaded it with the things she used the most from the dresser - working as quickly and quietly as she could - going into her undies drawer, removing her bras, panties, sleepers, socks, other light weight items. Putting the strap on her shoulder, she went to the closet, and grabbed the things she wore the most, and the clothes basket with her dirty laundry and eased through the door, holding her breath not to make noise. Back at the front door, she dropped her things into the suitcase and closed it. Next she made her way to the basement door and down the stairs to find her laptop that was in the bag.
She put all of her things in the trunk of her car and made her way back into the house once more, taking the baby duffle from the closet, she shoved her boys things into it as quickly as possible, she needed to hurry, because every move she made in her final decision was getting harder to follow through on, and besides that, the tears pooling in her eyes and rolling were starting to blind her. She had to remind herself over and over, that she deserved, Victor. Had she done what her mother sent her to do, she'd be free now - for Ben - but she didn't deserve Ben, Victor... was it.
Once she had enough of her boys things packed up, their baby duffle bag went into the trunk. She closed it and stood a moment, sniffing, looking around her, and up at the sky, and then around towards the lot where the house would be going up, and then, to the studio, wiping her tears away. Her chest ached because she felt that she was leaving home, instead of going home. "Don't start thinking, don't start, just do it, just go!" She coached herself once more. Tipping back into the house, she looked at her mother's door, and slowly crept to it, putting her ear to it, she listened; all was quiet within. No doub
t her mother was exhausted and out cold. She stood a moment, trying to think of what to do next, and covered her mouth, choking back a sudden urge to sob, she felt like crying, now, for a whole other reason. If she knocked on the door, woke her mother up, told her what she was doing, she knew that she would stop her. And because she wanted someone to stop her, she backed away. It was all pretty simple, she hadn't spoken to her mother way back before this mess started - hadn't asked mama for advice before jumping into bed with Victor, losing her virginity to him - she hadn't asked mama what to do then. It was just like Kevin said, she'd filed for the divorce to shake Victor up, to say, you're losing your family. That was her reason for doing it - it was as simple as that. Now, the train she put in motion, was at her stop saying, get on, you sent for me, I'm here. She wiped both hands over her eyes and cheeks to dry the tracks of her tears, took a deep breath, turned and went into her boys room.
First Isaac - gently she carried him out, strapping him into his car seat.
Next Darren, doing the same - neither of them stirred.
In the front seat, she wrote a note for her little sister, Angela. Another one for her mother, and then she thought about Shawn and suddenly burst into tears. "I'm so sorry, I'm - so sorry... but ... this is the right thing to do, it is. If I don't learn, to carry out, the decisions I make, if I - if I..." She stopped, gulped down the moisture in her mouth, wiped her eyes again; shaking her head, "Just shut up and do it." She sniffed and snuck in one more time. In Angela's room, she placed the note she wrote under her hairbrush and the other she slipped under her mother's door. Heading back out, she closed and locked the front door, holding her keys so they not jingle. With no more hesitation, she climbed in her car, started it, backed out, and stopped a moment looking at Ben's car sitting there in the lot of the studio. She stared at it so long she had to shake herself from the trance she'd slipped into. She smiled, "I don't believe, for a moment, that what we shared, was just about - you getting close to Shawn - not for a moment; even so, he was right. What I planned, worked. I need to go home Ben, I need to go home - after all, it's what I cried and prayed for. And if you know me, like you say you do, you'll understand - why." She sat a moment more, with tears rolling, "God, why didn't I meet him first? Why didn't I - meat him first?" The question hurt like a dull knife in her chest being jabbed and forced in over and over until she couldn't breathe.
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