Buried Castles

by Monica Alexander

  “They are,” she said, laughing. “I honestly never thought I’d get back together with this guy, but we sort of ran into each other at the end of the summer and things just started clicking again, so I don’t know. It’s new, but I’m pretty happy, so for now I think it’s good.”

  I smiled. “Good for you, Jen. I’m happy for you.”

  I hoped I would one day I’d be as happy as Jen looked in that moment, but my outlook on dating felt pretty bleak, so I wasn’t convinced it would be anytime soon.

  Chapter Nine

  Zack

  “Zack!”

  I looked up in confusion, as a little girl with dark curls and light brown eyes came running toward me on chubby legs, a big smile on her face just for me. Behind her walked Jen who was shaking her head and laughing. I couldn’t help but join her as I squatted in front of the bench I’d been sitting on and waited for my favorite girl to reach me. When she did, I scooped her up in my arms and covered her face with kisses, making her laugh that light, melodious laugh that was more addicting than anything I’d ever heard.

  “Hi baby girl,” I said, pulling back to look at her perfect face.

  “Hi Zack!” she said again, making me laugh.

  I looked to Jen for clarification. “I’m Zack now?”

  She shook her head and laughed again. “She apparently heard Derrick and me talking about you, so she decided she would call you what we call you.”

  I looked back at her. “Zack?” I asked.

  She nodded vigorously. “Yes,” she said, pointing her little finger at my chest. “Zack.”

  I mirrored her, placing my finger against her chest, and said, “Lily.” She nodded in agreement. Then I put my finger back on my chest and said, “Daddy. Only Mommy and Uncle Derrick get to call me Zack, okay?”

  She screwed her little face up as if contemplating what I was saying before she said, “Okay, Daddy.” And it melted my heart just like it did every time I’d heard her call me that since the first time she’d said it nine months earlier.

  ***

  Two and a half years ago

  “Dude, Jen’s pregnant,” Derrick announced out of the blue one afternoon while we were unpacking before rehearsal.

  I froze momentarily, remembering the night we’d spent together just a few months earlier. I swallowed hard, and Derrick must have thought I was freaked out because my ex, who I’d dated for three years, was having a baby with her new boyfriend. He didn’t realize that I was thinking something very different.

  “Really,” I choked out, hoping he was stoned enough not to pick up on my panic.

  He nodded. “Yeah, she and Jay are all excited. They’re talking about getting married. I guess she’s due in March, so they’re going to get married next summer after the baby’s born. I’m going to be an uncle!”

  I did some quick math and breathed a sigh of relief. My cousin Cat had been pregnant the summer before and had done nothing but drone on and on about her pregnancy and how she would actually be pregnant for ten months instead of nine, etcetera, etcetera. I probably knew more about pregnancy than most guys my age. Hell, I probably knew more than most guys period, but at least I knew enough to know that the baby wasn’t mine.

  “Cool,” I said, the relief palpable in my voice. “Tell her I said congratulations.”

  “I will,” Derrick said, as he started pounding out a beat on his drums.

  All I could think was, thank God it’s not mine.

  ***

  “She misses you,” Jen said, as I set Lily down.

  “I miss her, too,” I said, realizing it had been weeks since I’d seen Lily – not since my mom had been in the hospital. “Every day.”

  We watched Lily run toward the sandbox and a little boy who was pouring sand into the back of a dump truck with a plastic shovel. She plopped herself right down next to him, batted her beautiful lashes and smiled, and the boy handed her the shovel. Just like that. I shook my head and smirked, knowing that she was going to use that smile to her advantage for years and we would all be in trouble once she realized the power she truly possessed.

  I turned back to Jen. I hadn’t seen her since she’d dumped a bucket of water over my head and kicked my ass for not having my priorities in place the week before. She was always the one person who I listened to no matter what, and she knew it. She’d always had that power over me.

  “How are you?” I asked, reaching forward to hug her.

  She hugged me back, and I realized for the first time that she seemed taller. Or maybe it was just because I’d been hugging someone who was much shorter than Jen all summer, and it just felt weird.

  “I’m good,” she said, pulling back to appraise me. “You look better, but you still look like you could use a good meal. Are you eating?”

  I shrugged as we sat down on the bench so we could keep an eye on Lily. “Phil put in a standing order that I go to the pub for dinner twice a week, and my mother’s friends put enough casseroles in the freezer to last me until Christmas.”

  “But you’re not really hungry, are you?” Jen asked, proving again that she knew me better than anyone else.

  I shook my head. “Not really. Leo’s putting more of a dent in the food than I am, so at least it’s getting eaten.”

  Just then Lily ran over to us, her light pink dress billowing out around her.

  “Mommy? Where Gamma?” she asked, looking between Jen and me, her eyes wide with wonder.

  My heart clenched, and I was suddenly afraid I might lose it right then and there in front of her. I felt Jen’s hand take mine and squeeze it tight, giving me the strength I needed to keep my emotions in check. Lily would never understand why I was crying, and we couldn’t explain it to her.

  I took a few deep breaths to center myself, fighting the urge to grab the cigarette from behind my ear and light it, but I never smoked around Lily.

  Jen looked over at me, as if asking, ‘Are you okay?’ I nodded, as she turned to Lily to explain that Grandma wasn’t coming to the park that day.

  Chapter Ten

  Emily

  “I hate group projects,” Taryn complained from next to me, stretching her legs out as much as she could in the confined lecture hall.

  “Me too, but they are a collegiate rite of passage, so we don’t really have a choice.”

  “Okay fine,” she said, sitting up straighter. “It’ll be you and me, and then we need two other people.”

  I looked around the room at the groups of students forming to see who might be left for us to partner up with. I’d noticed since I’d been back at school that semester that not many people in my classes talked to me, and I didn’t know many of them either. I’d always stuck with who I knew and didn’t make time for anyone else. I wasn’t a big fan of this knowledge, as it again proved what Chase and Rachel had told me over the summer.

  “Noah!” Taryn called, cupping her hands around her mouth to signal Noah Gillian who was doodling in the back row.

  Normally he sat with us, but the week before he’d broken his collarbone and dislocated his shoulder during a football game, successfully ending his college football career. He’d been pretty down ever since and had taken to hiding in the back row of the classroom.

  Noah didn’t look up at the sound of his name. “What?” he called, not bothering to stop doodling in his notebook.

  “You’re in our group,” Taryn shouted back at him. He just nodded and kept his head down.

  Noah being pre-law should have been an advantage to our group in a Law of Mass Comm class, but I wasn’t sure how much effort he’d be putting in with his current mindset so out of whack. I looked down at my tattooed wrist, read the words written there, took heed in the reminder they provided and told myself we’d be fine. If Noah sucked as a group member, Taryn and I would pick up the slack.

  “Okay, now we just need a fourth group member,” I said, scanning the room. Most everyone had paired off, but there was a heavyset girl with a curtain of jet black hair obscuring her
face sitting a few rows to our left who didn’t look like she’d joined any particular group. “Let’s ask her.”

  I got up from my seat so I could move down to talk to the girl.

  “What? Emily, no,” Taryn said, concern flooding her voice as she followed me down the aisle.

  “Hi, how are you?” I asked, sticking my hand out to shake the girl’s hand. “I’m Emily Cole.”

  “Um, yeah, I know who you are,” she said, as she looked at my outstretched hand with disdain. “We’ve had a few classes together.”

  She continued to watch me and my response, sticking her tongue out of her mouth just enough so she could click her tongue ring against her teeth methodically. Her tongue looked abnormally pink against her black lips. Did anyone really wear black lipstick anymore?

  “Oh, right,” I said, feigning remembrance, even though I was pretty sure I’d never seen this girl before. “So, would you like to be in our group? It’s me, Taryn and Noah back there.”

  I gestured to Noah who was leaving out the back door.

  “You really want me to be in your group?” the girl asked, eyeing me skeptically. She had a hard edge to her, and I was pretty sure it was directed at me. I just didn’t know why.

  “Um, I don’t know. Will might actually be our fourth,” Taryn said, elbowing me, and I could have killed her. She was being so rude.

  “No, Will dropped the class last week,” I said, shooting her a shut up look with my eyes. This girl didn’t need any more reasons to believe we didn’t like her. She was already on the defensive.

  “Yes, we would love to have you in our group,” I said to the girl. “What’s your name?”

  “It’s Shelby,” she said, as if I should have known.

  “Alright, great,” I said, assuming the role of the group leader, since Taryn had apparently lost her manners and Noah had just plain left. “Well, let’s all meet a little before class on Friday, and we can discuss what topic we might what to explore further. Does that work?”

  “They’re all boring,” Taryn piped up, and I glared at her.

  “Okay, I’ll be there,” Shelby said, before getting up and slinging her black messenger bag over her shoulder. She didn’t give either of us another glance before she hiked up the aisle and out of the classroom.

  “She did not seem like she liked us,” I said, as I went back to my seat to gather up my books.

  Taryn banged her hand against her forehead, as I lifted my tote bag to my shoulder. “Emily! Have you lost your mind?”

  “What?” I asked, as I followed her out of class, tossing my empty Starbucks cup in the trashcan by the door.

  “Don’t you remember Rush two years ago? Shelby was a direct legacy, and none of us wanted her in the house, but we had to keep her until Round Three unless she dropped us first, so you and Brynn volunteered to show her around during Round Two?”

  I shook my head, not really remembering what she was talking about.

  “You made her cry?”

  “I made her cry?” I asked in disbelief.

  Taryn looked at me like was crazy. “Yeah, don’t you remember? You played the nice girl, and Brynn played the mean girl, and you guys essentially worked together to make her feel like shit so she wouldn’t want to come back.”

  “What?” I asked, and then suddenly, I remembered everything. I am pretty sure I’d actually blocked it out. Oh, my God. I had been awful to that girl. She was so sweet, and she really wanted to be a Gamma Pi because her mother had been one at Syracuse, but she hadn’t been right for the house image. Brynn and I had tag-teamed her, and she’d left the house in tears.

  “Shit,” I hissed, falling back against the brick wall outside the classroom. “How could I not remember being a total bitch to her?”

  “Relax,” Taryn said, taking it all in stride. “We’ve all been there. Besides, she would have hated Gamma Pi. I’m sure she’s much happier in the house she’s in. We don’t get to be one of the top five houses every year with girls like that.”

  “Taryn!” I couldn’t believe she was being so flippant about this.

  “What?” she asked, and I knew she really couldn’t see what was so wrong with what she was saying.

  I knew instantly that up until a few months ago, I’d shared her mindset. And it was at that moment that I realized how much being friends with Zack and Molly and Leo and Chase had helped me. It had opened my eyes and allowed me to be accepting of people who weren’t like me. I don’t think I truly realized how much better of a person I was because of the people I’d met that summer, but I finally got it as I leaned against that brick wall and stared at the smug expression on Taryn’s face.

  “Never mind,” I said, knowing I could never explain it to her.

  I knew I could never take back what I’d done to Shelby or how I’d treated other people in the past, but I could damn well be sure I never did it again.

  Chapter Eleven

  Zack

  “Are you going to move back?” Jen asked when she called me one night in October.

  I was sitting in my mother’s rocking chair on the back porch, smoking a cigarette and watching the light fade. Jen and I had been talking nightly and the subject of me moving back to civilization had been a hot topic as of late. She knew I was getting antsy with my only sense of stimulation coming from bartending at Phil’s a few nights a week for meager tips, but Leo had gone home and I wasn’t ready to leave, so bartending at least got me out of the house.

  It wasn’t like I needed the money. My mom had left everything she had to me, and since she hadn’t spent much of the money that had accrued from the sizeable alimony checks she’d received from my father each month for nine years, my bank account now had a lot of zeros. After putting away enough money for Lily to go to college and grad school at an Ivy League university, I still had enough to live comfortably each month.

  Although I knew she missed me, Jen’s insistence that I move back to Durham was completely altruistic. She was afraid I was lonely on the island by myself and knew how much I missed Lily, but I hadn’t been able to bring myself to leave – because in my mind, leaving the island meant leaving my mother behind. But I had gone to see Jen and Lily twice since I’d seen them at the park, and saying goodbye got harder each time. I was leaning toward making the jump and moving back.

  A part of me felt the solitude had been what I’d needed, at least for a little while, but now I was starting to crave a little more human interaction. I hadn’t told Jen, that with all my downtime, I’d started writing music again. I’d been doing it for a few weeks now and had about six new songs completed. It wasn’t like I had anyone to play them for, but writing music was what I’d always done, even after I’d left Liar’s Edge. It was what kept me sane.

  “I think I am going to move back,” I finally said, and for the first time in a while, I meant it.

  It was simple. Moving to Durham meant seeing Lily whenever I wanted. She’d gotten so big over the summer, and her vocabulary was growing all the time. I didn’t want to miss out on things. I wanted to see her grow up. But it also meant seeing Jen more, and I liked the idea of that.

  “Will you move back in with Derrick?” she asked, and I knew it was her way of asking if I was going back to my old lifestyle.

  Truthfully, it sort of stung. I hadn’t done the stuff Jen was alluding to in a long time – the drugs, the girls, the reckless lifestyle. I’d given it all up the night I’d almost died, the night Lily was born. And aside from Emily, I hadn’t been with anyone since that night, but of course, Emily was different. She wasn’t just some girl I’d hooked up with, no matter how hard I’d tried to force her into that role. She’d gotten under my skin, and that was something I’d never had control over.

  “No,” I said firmly. “Come on, Jen. You know me better than that.”

  “I thought I did,” she said. “I never thought you’d fall back into your old ways, but you did. Zack, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you in as bad of shape as you were in a few w
eeks ago. It scared me. It reminded me too much of the guy you used to be, and I wasn’t about to go down that road again.”

  She was right. I’d lost control, just like I had two years earlier. But I’d learned my lesson – again. Her brother hadn’t, not even the first time, the time we both almost died. He’d never really stopped partying, but I was different. I’d stopped before when it counted, and I’d do it again. The difference between Derrick and was that I had more to lose. I had Lily, and she was enough to keep me from falling off the edge.

  “You don’t have to worry, Jen. I haven’t had a drink in three weeks, and I don’t plan on having one. I’m not Derrick. You know he’s like a brother to me, but his life and his choices are his own. I need you to give me a little credit.”

  “Okay,” Jen sighed, and I knew she was fighting with whether or not she believed me.

  I’d screwed up big time. I’d proven I couldn’t handle life when it fell apart, and I knew she feared I’d slip up again. Only time would solidify in her mind that I was the guy she’d trusted and counted on for so long. I’d lost her trust once before, but I’d slowly built it back up. I’d do it again.

  “I actually think I might move in with Leo,” I said, changing the subject. I no longer wanted to dwell on how disappointed in me she was. I didn’t want to think about it. “Or maybe I’ll get my own place.”

  Moving in with Leo put me closer to Jen and Lily. He lived around the corner from them in Chapel Hill, in three-bedroom townhouse, and had more space than he needed. I knew he’d let me move in, no questions asked.

  Jen didn’t say anything for a few seconds before she said quietly, “You can always move in with us,” and I knew it was her way of repaying me for what I’d done for her almost two years earlier. Either that or she just wanted to keep an eye on me.

  ***

  Almost two years earlier

  A knock on the door surprised me, and I got up to open it, feeling the blustery, cold December air blow into the house around me.