Buried Castles

by Monica Alexander

  “Do you need some help?” I asked from where I was sitting on the couch reading the book I’d started the night before.

  “Sure,” he said, but he didn’t look up. “There are some more bags in the room. I’m going to load them in the back of the truck, so we can drop them at Maryanne’s on our way out of here.”

  “I’ll grab them,” I said, noticing that his demeanor had changed from playful to morose.

  When I met him at the truck, he turned to head back inside, and I saw how red-rimmed his eyes were. I reached for his arm, but he pulled away from me and walked back into the house. I followed but kept a safe distance. By the time I reached the door, he was coming out with another load. I looked back in the room, but there weren’t any more bags, so I just stood in the living room and waited for him to come back inside.

  When he returned, he smiled at me, and I knew he’d done what he always did and flipped the switch on his mood because things had gotten too intense.

  “You about ready to head out?” he asked.

  I nodded. “Yeah, I’ll just grab my bag. Should I wake up Lily?”

  “Nah,” he said. “She’ll just be cranky. She can sleep in the car. I’ll get her once we’ve loaded all her carry-on items into the truck.”

  I smiled at his attempt at a joke, glad he was at least trying. “She doesn’t travel light, does she?”

  “You’re telling me. Going anywhere with a kid is a freaking ordeal sometimes.”

  “But she’s cute,” I said.

  “Yeah, she is,” he said, smiling as he walked past me into his mom’s room.

  ***

  “Thank you,” he said to me as we were leaving the island. We’d just dropped off all the donations with his mom’s friend Maryanne who was in charge of collecting everything.

  “For what?”

  “For coming with me and helping with Lily. It means a lot.”

  “You’re welcome,” I said, glancing over at him. It seemed like he wanted to say something else.

  “And for listening last night when I unloaded on you.” He smiled, but it was a nervous smile.

  “I liked hearing your story,” I said simply. “I’m glad you told me.”

  “So did I succeed?” he asked, his mouth quirking up in a smirk.

  “In what?”

  “Changing your mind about me? Do you think I’m a good guy now?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I do. You succeeded. And I think now I can be your friend. I know I said I didn’t need any more friends, but I think I could make room for one more.”

  “My friend,” he repeated flatly. “You want to be my friend?”

  “Yeah,” I said, nudging him with my elbow. “It’s what you wanted, right? For us to be friends?”

  He hesitated for a beat before smiling at me, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Yeah, I did. I wanted us to be friends. I’m glad you changed your mind.”

  Chapter Forty

  Zack

  “How did it go?” Kristin asked when she bounced in the door in front of Leo on Sunday night. They were just getting back from her parents’ house in Pennsylvania where they’d spent the week following Christmas.

  Since the house had been empty and all of my friends were out of town, I’d been moping since Lily and I had dropped Emily off at her apartment four days ago, after the longest drive of my life back to Chapel Hill. Being in the car with her after she’d rejected me and told me we could be friends just plain sucked. Things had gotten a little easier once it was just Lily and me, and I forced myself to be cheerful around my daughter, but when she went to bed, there were some long nights of feeling pretty dejected.

  Then Jen had picked Lily up this morning, and I hadn’t left the house all day. The empty pizza box that had served as both lunch and dinner was on the coffee table in front of me, and I was laying on the couch with my eyes closed listening to music when my roommates came home.

  It was official. Kristin and Leo were engaged – Molly had won the bet – and Kristin was moving in with us.

  “Okay, I’m guessing it didn’t go well,” she said, as she stood in front of me with her hands on her hips, “since this is probably the most depressing song I’ve ever heard.”

  “I’m collecting ideas since I am officially changing the title of the new song I’m writing to Zack Can’t Get Shit Right, and He Sucks at Everything Having to do with Women, Especially Emily Cole,” I announced to her as she left her bags in the middle of the floor and came to sit with me, lifting my feet and putting them back down on top of her lap. “This is serving as a nice inspiration.”

  “What happened?” she asked, then paused to look at the stereo again. “Okay, what song is this? It’s seriously sad. Turn it down.”

  “It’s called I Would Be Sad. It’s by The Avett Brothers,” I said, as I lowered the volume on the stereo.

  “Appropriate,” she reasoned. “You look sad. Tell me what happened.”

  So I told her, the good and the bad, as Leo took their bags upstairs and half-listened to the conversation as he cooked pasta in the kitchen.

  “Does anyone else feel like we’re having the same conversation over and over again?” Leo finally chimed in after I finished talking.

  “I do!” Kristin said cheerfully, raising her hand like she was in class.

  “Who here also thinks that Zack needs some help from his friends?” Leo asked us.

  “Ooh, ooh, I do!” Kristin said, reaching her hand up higher in the air.

  “Guys, just stay out of it. Let me wallow, and then I’ll be fine.”

  Kristin looked over at me. “No, sweetie. I can’t do that. From the looks of this place, I’d say you’ve had enough time to wallow, and you’re not doing any better. It’s time for action!” She pointed her finger in the air to enunciate her call for action. “When was the last time you showered?” she asked me.

  “Yesterday,” I grumbled.

  “Eww,” she said, pushing my feet off of her lap. “That’s gross. Go shower. We’ll be down here when you’re finished, and we’ll talk strategy, ‘kay?”

  “Fine, whatever,” I said, knowing she wouldn’t stop. With Kristin, it was just easier to give in. I needed a shower anyway, so it couldn’t hurt anything. It wasn’t like I had to follow through on their plans after that. I was done chasing Emily.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Emily

  “Hello?” I said, not recognizing the number when my phone rang. I was waiting for Rachel to get back from New York. Her flight didn’t land for another hour, but I’d been alone for four days and was in desperate need of some human interaction. She’d taken Bailey with her, so I didn’t even have him to keep me company.

  “Emily? It’s Leo.”

  “Oh, Leo. Hey. How are you?” I asked, wondering how he’d gotten my number.

  “Not good. Listen, is there any way you could come over? I just don’t know what else to do, and I’m kind of freaking out here.”

  He sounded really panicked, and Leo was one of the calmest people I knew. He didn’t get rattled, so whatever was going on must be big.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s Zack,” he said, and I could hear the emotion in his voice. My heart started to pound. I hadn’t heard from Zack since he’d dropped me off four days earlier, but he’d seemed fine when we’d said goodbye.

  “What about Zack?”

  “It’s bad, Emily. Can you please just come? I didn’t know who else to call.”

  I was starting to panic. Something was wrong with Zack. Oh my God, had something happened to Lily?

  “I’ll be right there,” I said, grabbing my Uggs and shoving them on my feet one-handed. “Give me ten minutes.”

  Without thinking, I grabbed my keys and headed out into the night. I didn’t even grab my coat. The whole way to Zack’s house, my stomach was churning as I had visions of him doing something drastic. For Leo to be that freaked out and to call me, it had to be bad.

  I got to their townhouse in record
time, practically squealing into the driveway. I jammed the gear shift into park and jumped out of the car, running up the path to the front door. I banged on it just twice before Leo flung open the door and let me in. Behind him, in the living room, was his girlfriend Kristin, aka Snowboarding Barbie, who I guess I didn’t have to hate anymore. She was crying, and my heart sank.

  “He’s upstairs,” Leo said, indicating that I should go up there. “The bedroom at the end of the hall.”

  “Okay, thanks,” I said, running up the stairs, panic gripping me as I wasn’t sure what I was walking into. I should have asked Leo, but it hadn’t felt like there’d been any time.

  When I got upstairs, I saw the door at the top of the stairs was open, and I could tell it was Leo and Kristin’s room, so I turned and headed toward the closed door at the end of the hallway. When I reached it, I didn’t hear any noise on the other side. I swallowed hard, bracing myself before I knocked. My breath was coming in short bursts, and my heart was pounding out of my chest.

  When the door opened, I was not prepared for what was on the other side. Zack was standing there in just a pair of jeans with wet hair looking perfectly fine.

  “Emily?” he questioned, and I could tell he hadn’t expected me when he’d heard knocking on his bedroom door.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, knowing I sounded a little desperate. He seemed fine, but looks could be deceiving.

  “Yeah,” he said slowly. “I’m a little surprised to see you, but I’m okay otherwise.”

  “But I thought,” I said, knowing I sounded confused. I was confused. I turned around to look back toward the stairs and was surprised to see Leo standing a few feet behind me. “Leo, what’s going on?”

  “You two need to talk,” he said, pushing me into Zack’s room.

  “What? What are you talking about?” I asked, looking between him and Zack, who looked as bewildered as I did before recognition dawned on his face.

  “What the hell are you doing, Leo?” he asked, his irritation apparent. He didn’t want me there.

  “I’ll just go,” I said, turning around to head out of the room, but Leo stopped me.

  “No,” he said, shutting the door in my face before I could leave. From the other side he said he wasn’t leaving until we worked things out.

  “What do we need to work out?” I asked Zack, turning to face him. He’d taken a seat on his bed and was shaking his head.

  “Fucking Leo,” he muttered.

  “Zack, you are okay, right? Leo called me in a panic and told me something was wrong with you and I needed to come over. You’re fine, right?”

  He looked past me to the door and scowled, no doubt directing his frustration at his cousin who was on the other side.

  “Just a little blind-sided, but yeah, I’m fine. I’m sorry he called you,” he said, rubbing his chin with his hand. He had a few days’ worth of stubble. I’d never seen him not clean-shaven before.

  “And Lily’s fine? No one’s hurt?”

  He looked at me in confusion. “No, no one’s hurt. Lily’s fine. She with Jen.”

  “Then why did Leo call me?”

  Zack sighed. “He thinks we need to talk, and he’s probably right. We do.”

  “About what?” I asked, not getting the joke.

  “About the fact that I’ve been moping around here for weeks, listening to depressing music and writing equally depressing songs.”

  “Okay, so what does that have to do with me?”

  “Everything,” he sighed, laughing non-humorously to himself. “Shit. I feel like an ass. I know you don’t feel the same way, and I know it’s my fault because I didn’t do anything right. I cut you out last summer and I never told you why, and I lied to you about Lily, and I’ve been playing games for the past few weeks, and I’m just, I’m sorry, okay?”

  He was talking in circles, and I wasn’t sure what to make of everything he’d just said. It didn’t make sense.

  I sat down next to him on the bed and angled my body so I was facing him, focusing on the one thing that had stuck out in his rambling diatribe.

  “Why did you cut me out?” I asked.

  It was the one thing I’d never made peace with in four months. I never could understand how he could have gone from where we’d been the night we spent at his spot to him breaking up with me. It had never made any sense. Sure, I knew now that he’d been keeping a giant secret, but I had a hard time believing that was reason enough to end things. A sane person, who had the feelings I’d assumed he had for me, would have taken the risk and fessed up to lying, especially once he knew how I felt about him. But he hadn’t done that. He’d cut and run, and I didn’t know why.

  Old anger I thought had dissipated suddenly bubbled to the surface as if it had been there all along, lying dormant. “Why did you hurt me? We were really close to perfect last summer, but then you just left. Zack, I don’t think anyone has hurt me worse than you did that day, ever.”

  I knew then, that this was the reason I hadn’t let him kiss me after he’d told me his story. It was why I’d pulled away.

  His eyes flashed, as if in sudden anger. “I realize that, Emily,” he spat, and it was like he’d flipped a switch and was no longer sad and sorry. He was pissed, and I realized old feelings were bubbling up for him too. “But my mom had gotten sick, and I wasn’t there for her. I was off spending the night with you, pretending my life wasn’t as fucked up as it really was. I wasn’t there for her, because I was being selfish. Don’t you get it? I was with you, so I wasn’t with her. I’d moved in with her, lived five hours away from my daughter for a year, because my mom needed me, and the one time she really needed me, I wasn’t there!”

  I thought for a second that he blamed me. Then I realized that he blamed himself, but he still made it sound like I was partially to blame, and it pissed me off. I now knew it was why he’d never reached out to me after she died. He’d kept his distance for a reason.

  “Dammit, Zack, that was not my fault, and by the way, you made a very independent decision to stay with me that night. At any time, you could have gone home, but you didn’t!”

  “I know,” he said, remorse suddenly overcoming him. “I know that, but it took time for me to realize that. You don’t know what it was like for me. She was my mom! To see her deteriorate like that, and then she was just gone. It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to go through. Can’t you understand that?”

  “Of course I understand that, Zack! I get it. I can’t imagine what it was like for you to go through all of that, but you forget that I was there. I saw you with her. I know how much you loved her, and how much of yourself you gave up for her. I know you feel like you were being selfish and that you should have spent more time with her instead of hanging out with me, but it wasn’t your fault she died. It just happened. No matter if you’d have spent every waking moment with her, she still would have died, and you need to accept that. Nothing you could have done would have saved her.”

  I was out of breath from yelling at him and wondered if Leo was still outside the door listening.

  Zack just stared at me. “You think I don’t know that?! I know that I couldn’t have saved her, but it took me a long time to come to terms with that! I beat myself up for months over what I could have done differently, and I know I couldn’t have done anything to take her cancer away, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t wish every day that I could have done something more! God!”

  He raked his hands roughly through his wet hair as he got up from the bed. He stopped, turned around and faced me. I realized angry tears were streaming down his cheeks, and I wondered how many times he’d actually let himself cry over his mom. He slumped back against his bedroom wall, utterly exhausted it seemed, as he slid down to the floor.

  His head fell into his hands and he shook uncontrollably, as he sobbed over and over. Instinctively, I crossed the room, sat down next to him and pulled him into my arms, knowing there wasn’t anything else I could do for him in that moment.
As if he couldn’t tolerate the weight of the pain any longer, he finally leaned on me for support.

  “Everything just got so screwed up this summer,” he said, shaking his head. “I just wanted to get out of my life for a little bit. I wanted to be someone who didn’t have a dying mother, and who wasn’t a single parent who didn’t get to see his daughter enough, and who hadn’t given up everything he’d ever wanted in life. I wanted to be a guy who was happy for a change, and with you I got to be that guy for just a little while. But then each night I would go back home, and I would have to face my real life. I watched my mother waste away, the cancer slowly eating her. I had to tuck my daughter in from three thousand miles away. Do you know what it’s like try to talk to an eighteen month-old over the phone?”

  I shook my head.

  “It’s like talking to a wall. I missed her so much, and I was so afraid she’d forget who I was while she was away. Then she and Jen came to the hospital, and I was holding her in my arms, and I just knew what you and I had couldn’t continue. There was such a separation from who you thought I was to who I really was, and I knew I could never mesh the two. I knew as soon as you found out I’d lied about Lily, you’d hate me, so I took away the option of you ever finding out. I already felt guilty enough about not being there for my mom, and this was just one more reason for me to justify ending things with you. I honestly didn’t want to, but I felt like I didn’t have a choice.”

  And now everything made sense – why he thought he wasn’t good enough for me, why he suddenly changed his mind and why he’d pushed me away. A barrage of feeling for him hit me all at once, and I suddenly wanted him to know that none of that mattered. None of our past mistakes or lies or bad decisions carried any weight – I loved him so much, especially who he really was, flaws and all.

  “Zack, I had the same fear when I found out about Lily – that you’d be different than the guy I’d fallen for – but you’re not. You are exactly the same guy. I am pissed that you lied to me, because that didn’t feel too great. You should have told me.”