See Me
Page 5
“I don’t think we will have much time to even explore what is growing between us,” she whispered sadly in his ear.
Ronnie’s eyes snapped open as someone walked into the garage, not bothering to move from where he was laying on the ground. “What the fuck Ronnie?” Jax exclaimed as he took in the blood splatters. “What happened?”
“You’ve got your secrets, I’ve got mine,” Ronnie snapped out, getting up. He saw the anger flutter across Jax’s face, but he was too raw to care. He turned away and headed back to his room, ignoring Jax as he called him back. He couldn’t do this right now.
Chapter Six
I pulled out of the parking lot at work while fumbling in my purse with my other hand for my MP3 player for music. I hated driving. I’ll be the first to admit I have awful road rage. I finally felt it and pulled it out to plug it in. Within seconds I had blaring music to numb my tired brain. As the traffic came to a grinding halt as it does here, I grabbed the device and scrolled through until I found a song to fit my mood.
I sang along as loudly as I could as we inched forward, letting the lyrics wash over me like a soothing balm, even though the music itself wasn’t soothing. I don’t care, it worked for me, to hell with what anyone else thought. The song Haunting by Halsey came on next, and it seemed oddly appropriate.
Once again, I was lost in the music when I happened to glance in my rear-view mirror and damn near drove off the road in fright and smacked my head hard against the window. “What the hell Winnie?! You can’t do that shit while I’m driving, didn’t we talk about this earlier?” I yelled once I realized the blue glowing body in my backseat was hers.
“Sorry,” she said with a smirk, not really sounding sorry as I rubbed my head. “This song is good, makes me feel, plus it struck as me as funny for a ghost to talk to you while listening to a song called Haunting.”
“Well great, I’m glad popping in and scaring the hell out of me while I’m driving and trying to relax to music works out so good for you. Now that the person behind me thinks I’m drunk and crazy,” I muttered sarcastically. “I thought appearing drained you,” I said as an afterthought.
“It does, but I’m pulling from your batteries,” she said smugly. “That’s why your dashboard lights are flickering.”
“Fuck. Stop it! The last thing I need is a car to fix,” I shouted at her. “Disappear then, I need downtime. Or if you are going to stay here then just disappear and listen to music. Please. No talking.”
“Okay Airy, I really am sorry. I just haven’t gotten to talk to anyone in twelve years. Been kinda lonely,” Winnie said sadly.
Wincing as I understood how harsh my words sounded, I felt like a jerk. “It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, I just need to unwind, music helps me do that, especially when I’m driving.”
She blinked out of sight, and I heard a quiet, “Okay.”
Feeling awful now, I kept flipping through music as I made my way home and smiled a little as I stopped on the song Ghost by Halsey as well.
Jax stared at the door as it slammed shut behind Ronnie, a rage starting to boil up in his chest, one he knew didn’t stem from his own emotions. He tried to fight it back but the smell of the blood and sweat in the room was feeding it, feeding the darkness inside him, triggering things that should be left alone. He didn’t think he was strong enough to take this on right now.
He was an empath, like he told everyone he was, but he wasn’t as strong at it as he let on to be. But he still felt the barely contained anger and aggression that Ronnie left in his wake, and it too, was feeding this thing inside him. He knew even before he took the first step towards the house it wasn’t going to let this go. He didn’t think anything good was going to come out of this, was his last thought before the rage overtook him.
Jax flung the door open and stepped back into the house, the tension ratcheting up near danger levels. Jax has never really been the brave one out of the group, that was usually Ronnie or Aedan. He knew Ronnie was bigger, but Ronnie was a fighter. He briefly thought back to the blood he saw in the garage and felt the anger take over him again.
God, he felt like he was on a roller coaster from hell. He scanned around for Ronnie and heard him down the hall towards the kitchen. Scratch that, in the kitchen, he decided as he heard cupboard doors slamming. Jax stormed off after him, his feet pounding the floor with heavy thuds. He rounded the corner just in time to see Ronnie pull his hidden bottle of whisky out. Jax froze, his thoughts catching up to his vision as he watched Ronnie start to twist off the cap.
He launched himself at Ronnie, angrily snatching the bottle out of his hands and smashing it against the wall, not caring about the glass shredding his palms. The thing inside him ate it up. It loved the blood and anger. “Fucking shit, Ronnie! What the actual fucking hell are you thinking?!” Jax railed at him.
He watched in fascination as Ronnie’s face became stone hard and cold. Shut down. He had a moment of fear as he remembered what this look meant for his friend. Jax didn’t have time to move, and he didn’t think he would have even if he could. On some level deep inside he knew he had this coming.
Ronnie shoved him, hard. His back slammed into the wall hard enough to break the plasterboard. The darkness inside took back over and he threw a punch that landed on his best friends’ jaw. He had never once in his life raised a hand against Ronnie, and he watched in horror as the shock of it settled on Ronnie. Fuck, what had he done?
The anguish Jax saw in his friend’s face was enough to snap him back into himself as he sunk down to the floor, repeating, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
Jax couldn’t even look at him as Ronnie crouched down. “You know what Jax? I don’t care. I don’t care anymore. I’m done. That was it, the last straw. I’m fucking done. I’m gone.” He stood back up, his voice as cold and hard as Jax had ever heard it. Especially when talking to him.
Ronnie walked away, and Jax pushed himself to his feet to follow, smearing his whisky and blood coated hands over everything, leaving a visible trail behind him on this path to destruction. He couldn’t leave this alone though. He couldn’t lose Ronnie too. Holy shit this is so fucked up, Jax thought as he followed Ronnie.
Anger blasted him again and he punched the wall next to him, leaving a bloody hole as Ronnie stopped ahead of him and slowly turned around to look at Jax. “You hoping that was my face again?” Ronnie spat out.
“No. Fuck no. That wasn’t me Ron, I swear that wasn’t me,” Jax pleaded, his voice raw with pain.
“You fucking hit me!” Ronnie shouted. “You fucking hit me, knowing my history of abuse, and yet you still fucking hit me,” his voice quieted but vibrating with anger and something else Jax couldn’t put his finger on.
“It wasn’t me,” was all Jax could think of to say.
“That’s what you have to say, after that? After twelve years of me doing everything for you?” Ronnie’s voice dropped even lower, sounding guttural and it tore Jax open. “Twelve years. Twelve years and not fucking one goddamned time did you ask me if I was okay. Not once. I lost her too. We all did. We all suffered in silence because of you. To take care of you. And not one goddamned time did you think to check on anyone else. I fucking lost her too.”
Jax was floored, he hadn’t expected this, and he cracked open even farther watching as this played out in front of him, with the guy who was closer to him than his own brother. Jax watched as Ronnie broke, and couldn’t do anything about it. Because it was all true. He was the biggest asshole alive, and he knew it.
“Twelve years I have stuck with you, through absolute hell, chasing your fucking dream of finding her again. Watching as you descend into whatever the hell this is that you’ve become. Standing by as you have no idea what this is doing to me. Not one clue as to what I’m feeling, for twelve years. Swallowing my own pain so that you can have yours. Never once thinking that it’s something we might share. That fucking all of us share!” Ronnie’s voice broke and his fists clenched.
“No! You don’t get to talk! Not now. No.” Ronnie hung his head, tears falling unabashedly down his face, dripping from his chin, wetting the blood smeared shirt. “I can’t do this anymore Jax. I can’t. You have no fucking clue what I’ve given up for you, out of love, out of respect. You just take from me, like there’s an endless pit inside I can draw from.” He held up his bloodied hands. “Do you know why these are like this?”
Jax shook his head, afraid of where this was going, afraid there was no going back to how they were before. Even as he had the thought, he knew how wrong it was, that it shouldn’t go back to how they were.
“Today Jax, that meeting. Having to pull you back from the edge once again, as I fell farther and farther over it.” Ronnie started pacing back and forth across the hall. “When we got home, I couldn’t sit still, everything I’ve pushed away for the last twelve years was flooding me, filling my head. I went down there and pictured my own face on that bag, and I beat it until I collapsed because I fucking felt guilty! I felt guilty for mourning! I felt guilty for loving Winnie!”
Jax felt his face crumble and he took a step forward towards Ronnie, his eyes spilling tears that should have been spent by now.
“Do not come closer to me,” Ronnie growled out. His face bloody from rubbing his hands across it, a bruise forming where Jax hit him. His eyes bloodshot. “I went down there, to avoid this,” Ronnie’s hands gestured between them, then dropped listlessly to his side. “I know it wasn’t you that did this,” he said pointing to his face. “But I also know, you didn’t fight it. Jax...I just can’t right now.” He sagged against the wall.
Jax could see he was barely holding on to his sanity. “Don’t leave.”
“Fine, whatever. Just leave me alone,” Ronnie said flatly. He walked away from Jax and went in his room, shutting the door with a sound Jax would describe as finality.
She felt it. She felt the explosion between Jax and Ronnie, and she knew. She knew things were accelerating and if she didn’t want her vision to happen, she had to find a way to change it. She needed to go. It was time. She believed Ronnie would be able to hear her.
She hadn’t tried in all these years because she didn’t want him to hurt anymore. “Airy,” she spoke softly, not wanting to startle her again. She had put so much pressure on her to help already.
“Yeah?” Airy answered, sounding distracted.
Winnie paused a moment to get a read on her, the music she was selecting was a good indicator of how she was feeling as well as the way she felt things. “I need to leave for a little bit, and my energy is low. I hate to ask for another favor, but I need help.”
“You can’t drain my car battery,” she replied.
Winnie laughed quietly. “I’m glad you still have a sense of humor.”
“Look, I know something is wrong, your emotions just went off the charts crazy. What do you need?”
“Can we go somewhere really quick where a spot is like we met at? One where I can pull from nature?” Winnie asked timidly.
“Um, sure, but I don’t think there is anything around this immediate vicinity.” Airy concentrated a moment on something but Winnie couldn’t tell what, Airy has her walls firmly in place. “How quickly do you need to get there?”
“Well, as soon as I can, but I think the damage has been done already. I can block myself there, but I need a full tank to try and communicate,” Winnie told her.
She saw the understanding light Airy’s eyes. “Okay, ETA: fifteen minutes,” she said as she turned off the road and headed the opposite direction.
Jax, feeling shell shocked and raw like an exposed nerve walked back to the kitchen. He grabbed his phone and texted Aedan to come over ASAP. His phone rang less than thirty seconds later.
“What did you do now?” Aedan demanded as Jax answered.
“I seriously fucked up with Ronnie,” Jax told him, beyond ashamed.
“How did you manage that? He has the patience of a saint with you,” Aedan said, incredulous.
“I hit him,” Jax said, dropping to the bloody glass covered floor.
“Fuck. I’m on my way,” Aedan hung up.
Jax looked around him at the destruction and couldn’t find it in himself to care. He deserved this. He’d been a fucking asshole to all of them. He picked up his phone again to text Smitty.
“I need you to come over. I need help. Fucked up majorly with Ron. I hit him.”
Five seconds later he had a reply, “On my way, don’t do anything else stupid.”
Chapter Seven
I was thankful I had my hiking pack in the car with me and an extra pair of shoes. Even though it was a beautiful winter day, work clothes weren’t my favorite thing to play around in nature with. As I changed my socks and shoes, I looked around me reveling in the beauty of the earth and the changing seasons.
Tying my shoes, I wondered again not for the first-time what kind of shit storm I was going to be walking into. Some remote part of me knew I was doing the right thing, but another part of me was worried that I was not what was needed to help this situation along. I had a lot of baggage.
Despite Winnie’s going on about angels, there was no part of me that believed I was one in any way. I was on an up close and personal basis with my flaws and faults. If the emotions that I picked up from her on the way here were anything to go by, it was a volatile situation, maybe even dangerous. I didn’t know if I wanted to be held responsible for the life of someone else, or at the very least the well-being of their soul.
I sucked in a giant breath of fresh air and let it out slowly, soaking in the feeling of the clean air working its way through my body. I quieted my thoughts for a moment and dropped my walls, immediately feeling Winnie close by, but ignoring her, I searched for the feel of the energy. Locking into it, I shifted out of my car locking the doors behind me and headed towards it.
Winnie stayed quiet, which concerned me, but I was also thankful for. I liked being alone in nature with my thoughts; it’s where I learned myself the best, although I was quick to acknowledge I still had a long way to go. I left my walls down as I walked; momentarily glad I hadn’t brought my music with me. I guess I needed the silence.
It wasn’t long before I noticed Winnie feeling the energy. It grew stronger the closer I got to the lake, but this spot wasn’t as powerful as the river where I met her. In my experience the flowing water had better energy spots. This would work for what she would need though. The energy pulls me to the left, so I veered off course heading to a spot on the edge of the lake hidden by trees.
The cold winter air was refreshing, and the scenery didn’t disappoint. It wasn’t a large lake, but it was the closest to where I had been sitting in traffic. The water was clear and smooth, reflecting the sky and the sinking sun. The trees were all pine, tall and full, ripe with the scent of the needles. Due to the winter rains the fields were all green, but the ground too cold for any flowers yet.
I perched on a large semi flat rock near the water and drew one knee up to my chest wrapping my arms around my leg. I dropped my forehead to my knee and concentrated on my breathing. As I already had my walls down, the bad energy I had drawn from people over the past week had slowly leeched out of me as I approached the lake. I let the earth scents cleanse my lungs and mind washing away the worries about everything that I had no control of.
I lifted my head off my knee and looked over to the east as my gaze settled on the majestic mountain looming there. “Thank you,” I whispered out to the universe. I never really felt all the way better unless I gave thanks for everything I could, especially when it came to releasing all the negative energy. I felt like it was a gift that the earth and universe was giving me in that release.
“Who are you thanking?” Winnie asked softly from my other side.
“The earth, the universe,” I replied, glancing over to see her blue form sitting
next to me on the rock.
“Makes sense. You are one of the few I’ve seen do that,” she said. “My tank is full, I need to head out, will you be okay?” Winnie asked me.
Surprised that she thought I wouldn’t be, I stuttered out, “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I realize I’ve thrown a lot at you this week,” she said as I felt her stroking my hair again. “It would be understandable for you to be not as alright as you pretend to be sometimes. Airy, you are truly remarkable.”
Surprised again, I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. I looked at her questioningly as she studied me. Pushing myself to face fears, I left my walls down and said with hesitation, “You sure have a lot of faith in me.”
“I see you in ways you don’t see yourself,” she answered gently, still playing with my hair, which I had to admit has always been relaxing to me.
“I hope I don’t let you down,” I told her, my insecurities creeping up again.
“You are so much more than you think. I hope that you will allow me to help you as you help me, so that maybe you can start to see it too. I won’t abuse your trust,” she promised me and stood up. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, and we can talk. I thought about what you said about appearing suddenly, and I think I can do the scent thing. Someone special told me that I smelled like a fresh rainfall, so if you smell that, you will know I am near. Wish me luck, I’m going to need it.”
I smiled at her and sent a strand of good energy into the hope she was holding on to and she smiled gratefully at me, then was gone. I stood up and drew some more of that same energy into myself and headed back to my car to go home. Times like this I was grateful for the gift of being able to use energy in this manner.