Death's Collector

by Bill McCurry

  “Women. Horses. And stay in your corner.” I left him on the wet grass and returned to my table, upon which had materialized gritty bread, sticky mutton stew, and a small beer. I winked at Sunflower, and she turned her back to me as Desh stumped inside.

  In a day or two, I’d slip away from this town and leave the lad behind forever. I should have kicked him hard when he first walked into town and kept kicking him until he went away. In fact, it wasn’t too late to start kicking. Desh was sitting at his bare table in the corner, glancing at my breakfast now and then. I walked around the table between us, angling to get a good view of his left shin.

  “There’s an army coming! There’s an army coming!” My watch-boy screamed the warning as he ran all the way to the tavern on the square. He sprinted inside, his wet shoes sliding on the planks so that he almost fell. He paused for a deep breath, and then shrieked, “There’s an army coming!” loud enough to wake my mother, who was not only dead but also buried on another continent.

  “How big is it?” I asked.

  “A thousand people!”

  Having once been a little boy, I understood I’d need to see these thousand people for myself. I strode up the hill, trying to look sprightly and not at all nervous. I could see that riders had just entered town, three dozen of them, maybe more. When we were fifteen paces apart, I raised my hand. Almost unbelievably, they stopped.

  I was prepared to kill three or four of them, and then run off into the woods. While they chased me over the next few hours, I’d occasionally slip in and kill a couple of inattentive ones. If Onni and his people were smart, they would run while I was still alive and keeping the raiders busy.

  They were big men on big bay horses. The nearest were clean-shaven and ash pale with dark hair. They all wore the same blue-and-gray clothes—uniforms, so they were soldiers from some army I’d never heard of. They carried short, curved swords, and they hefted long spears.

  I decided if they attacked, I’d keep the fight inside town. They would get tangled up in their spears, and I might slaughter most of them while breakfast was still hot.

  A short, broad man, rather squatty among these fellows, said, “What town is this?”

  Nobody’s uniform had any badge or sign of rank, but I supposed he was boss. “Do you want to know its name, or its defining characteristics?”

  Shorty quirked an eyebrow. “Oh, please do provide both.”

  “Welcome to the idyllic township of Crossoak, the home of fine mutton, jittery townspeople, and mean old women. I am Bib.” I insinuated a bow.

  “I am Vintan Reth. Who is the nervous boy lurking behind you? Son? Servant? Paramour?”

  I didn’t look behind me, so as not to invite Vintan’s cronies to poke a hundred holes in my back. Desh must have been standing back there, in the perfect spot to die uselessly.

  “I owe the boy money. You can’t kill me. It’ll make him sad.”

  “Ah, you’re trying too hard to be humorous. It’s a foolish gambit among serious men.” He leaned forward over his horse’s neck. “Bib—and that is a charming name by the way—I am a gentle soul and will allow you to redeem yourself.”

  Some of his men shifted in the saddle, and a few looked away.

  Vintan said, “Tell me about that paralyzingly enormous tree.”

  “That’s just the festival tree. For hundreds of years, these people have dangled sacks of beer and dubious treats from it when the harvest is in.” Of course, the townspeople didn’t do anything like that and never had. I have a policy that when I talk to a threatening stranger, I never say anything that might be true.

  He smiled. “Quaint. I’d even say picturesque.”

  “They break off a twig for each man to carry around, and whenever he does something stupid, his wife tears off a leaf. When the twig is bare, he has to go home.”

  “That’s eccentric enough to charm even me. How many of these villagers do you think would fit if I nailed them to the festival tree?”

  One might think that was a horrible thing to say, but it’s not even in the top hundred horrible things I’ve heard said right before people started dying.

  “That depends, Vintan. Did you bring a ladder?”

  The man nodded. “An incisive question. I wish I were more at leisure. We might discuss torture and desecration, among other artistic endeavors. I so appreciate meeting a person of subtle thinking.” He looked at the bulky soldier next to him. “Kill him. Leave the entrails.”

  I said, “Go on around us. Everybody will be happier.”

  The bulky man pointed at two soldiers, who dismounted and walked toward me pointing their spears. Five seconds later, I severed one man’s left hand. Ten seconds after that, I thrust into the other’s heart under his arm. I turned back to the first one to slice open his throat, and at the end of twenty seconds, they both lay on the grass, one still and the other gurgling. The man whose job it was to point then employed his finger like it was the Spear of Lutigan, jabbing at a disconcerting number of soldiers and then at me. Eight or ten of them began to dismount. It was hard to tell exactly how many among the spears and nervous horses and jabbing fingers.

  “Stop,” Vintan said in the same tone he might use to invite you over for cake. Everyone stopped. Some men froze half out of the saddle, staring at him. “We’ll go around.”

  Finger Man said, “Why? We can kill him. He can’t fight all of us!”

  “Your tactical thinking must be precise. He can indeed fight all of us. He just cannot kill all of us. However, how many can he kill? Two more? Five? You and ten men with you? Why pay that price just to ride into a town with mean old women, perpetrate some pedestrian wickedness, and trot away as if we were covered in glory?” He smiled at Finger Man, who paled so severely he turned almost transparent. “We shall go around.”

  Finger Man looked away, and I could see his jaw grinding so hard I thought he might have to eat soup the rest of his life. The soldiers collected their dead friends and remounted.

  Vintan saluted me with his spear. “Bib, I regret missing this opportunity to chat with you about philosophy and then nail you to something.” He cantered back up the trail as his men turned their horses in place, and they all trotted out of town.

  “Not too bad,” I said to Desh. “Now you can tell girls you helped vanquish an army using nothing but your blinking eyelids.”

  “I thought we were sure to die.”

  “You have an excellent grasp of probability. But we didn’t die, so let’s finish breakfast. You never know when some other calamity will come along and kill us. Hell, before I finish talking, a bear could jump out from behind that house and tear off my head. Life is chancy.”

  Before I went back to breakfast, I strolled along the edge of town. Sunshine had arrived, and it was a beautiful walk, though a little steamy. My path might not have been random. I kept Vintan’s crew in sight until they had bypassed the town and ridden away southward.

  If those soldiers had all jumped down to kill me when Finger Man said so, I still might have lived if I was smart. Of course, Desh would have died right away, before he ever understood that death was coming. But the boy had stood up and faced that little army with me. He hadn’t run away, so who was I to kick his ass all the way home?

  I paid two more children on my way back into town. Both of the morning’s watch-kids seemed to have shirked their task after the terrifying army had “invaded.” That excitement had turned all the boys and girls into a throng of hornets, and they were charging all over town hitting each other with pretend swords and bawling when someone got hit too hard.

  That afternoon, I sat slumped in a chair in front of the tavern. My hat was pulled down, and I wish I could say I was dreaming the dreams of a virtuous man, but I was just dreaming about cornbread. Desh kicked my boot and said, “Bib, will you teach me how to be a sorcerer? This isn’t a threat, but if you say no, I’ll just follow you around and look pitiful until one of us dies.”

  “Desh, you are a courageous man. Almost
a hero. Becoming a sorcerer is beneath you, and it would just mar your glory. Go home. And if you try to follow me, I’ll break your arm. If you keep at it, I’ll break your leg, and if you crawl after me, I’ll break your other leg and laugh at you.”

  Leaning closer, Desh said, “I didn’t intend to tell you this—”

  I never did find out what he didn’t intend to tell me. At that moment, my uphill lookout hollered, “Another army! Another army! Bigger than the first one!”

  “Krak’s sizzling testes!” I didn’t charge up the slope, but I scooted right along. Somebody was arriving from uphill, just like Vintan had. Unless he’d made a huge circle back to reexperience the joy of my company, somebody else was paying us a visit.

  I heard the clink-chink of chain mail before I got really close. These new men were arriving in profusion—likely twice as many as Vintan had brought. One of them carried a red-and-yellow banner, and that gave me nearly every detail I needed. These soldiers belonged to the King of Glass, who ruled everything around for dozens of miles. Crossoak belonged to him, so if he wanted to cram it full of his soldiers, he didn’t need permission from me. I’d never met the man, although I did think his kingdom’s name was pretentious as hell.

  I called out to the riders in front, “Welcome, come on in! The alder’s probably hiding behind a sack of seeds somewhere, but if you want, I can chase him out here.”

  Without stopping, a man with a chin like a plow said, “Who are you then?”

  “Bib. The good citizens have hired me to be their spiritual teacher, to guide them down the path of rectitude and compliance. They are wonderful at compliance. You don’t have to worry about chastising them, or beating them at all, because they’re anxious to comply.”

  “Hm. I’m Captain Dolf. We’re pursuing a war band of Denzmen. Have you seen them?”

  “Why, yes, I have!” I walked alongside him as he rode. “They arrived at breakfast time. We chatted a bit, and then they went on south.”

  Dolf and a fair woman riding next to him both squinted at me. He said, “They’ve been destroying villages all the way down from the capital. You were awful damned lucky.”

  The woman pushed some stray yellow hair out of her face. “Yes, how did you avoid destruction?”

  “I’m a better-than-average conversationalist.”

  She leaned toward me, reins in her fist. “Pay attention to me. Those criminals killed thirty-two men, stole Crown Prince Prestwick, and are spiriting him away to their wretched land. They left no message or clue regarding a motive. So as a favor to the Crown, and to me personally, please refrain from attempting mirth. Also, stop prancing around with your hands down your trousers and do something constructive!”

  I just about halfway fell in love with her right then.

  Four

  The first thing I ever said to my late wife was, “Hell yes, I did it, and I’d do it again twice.” She was a woman of uncommon forbearance. She allowed me to live with her for nearly ten years, more than a hundred times longer than any other woman has suffered my companionship. It would make no sense to say those words now to this blonde woman. I had given those words and those years to my wife. No other person could understand what was in them or what they meant.

  So, I accepted that my second conversation with this blonde woman would have to begin awkwardly. I didn’t even know what to call her. By then, she had dismounted and walked off to talk to some soldiers, who I guarantee were not as charming as me.

  Dolf had dismounted, so I leaned in. “Who’s the lady with the sweet tongue?”

  He snorted and looked back at her before answering. “That’s Ella. She’s the governess.”

  “Please say that again.”

  “The governess. The governess of the Crown Prince.”

  “Isn’t this errand a little hazardous for someone of her profession?”

  “You tell her. I’m done trying.”

  I pretended to examine Dolf’s saddle until Ella returned. “Miss Ella, I fear that when we spoke earlier, I made a poor impression.”

  “I should say so.”

  “I apologize. I was assisting Dolf in the pursuit of those marauders by marking their trail. I became distracted and spoke rudely.” This was how people in civilized places spoke, at least when I lived there. “Is there any service I may perform for you that will establish a better impression of me?”

  “Have you accomplished anything since we met? Have you learned anything?”

  “Well, I learned your name.”

  “Then I would say that a poor impression was entirely appropriate.” She walked off and started talking to a chunky soldier with droopy eyes.

  That was the kind of dismissal you have to respect. I began to like her a little more.

  Crossoak had two good wells, and soon, watering was about half-finished. Dolf had been walking around supervising, and now he beckoned me. “Did you say your name was Bib?”

  I nodded. There was no way this could be good.

  “Two of my officers have heard of you. You’re said to be a good fighter. If that’s you, then I need you.”

  “Oh, I expect I’d be more trouble than I’m worth. Besides, I think you outnumber them by a fair margin.”

  “'These Denzmen fight hard. It’s been the next thing to war with them since autumn. Hundreds dead. Now they’ve kidnapped the prince, and I don’t know why, but it doesn’t matter to me, really. We’re just the pursuit. The army is right behind us, and it’s war for sure. I haven’t said that many words altogether since I got married, so you know I need you badly.”

  This prince wasn’t my prince. In fact, I didn’t even have a prince, and in a year, I might be a thousand miles away. “I have to tell you the truth, Captain Dolf. I can’t take orders. Never could. If I come with you, it’ll be like throwing a bear into a team of well-trained horses. Everything will just go to hell.”

  “Well, I can’t make you go. You’d slide off on your belly first chance you got.” He walked off as if I didn’t exist, which was fine with me. I admitted to myself that the governess would be leaving within the hour. I was unlikely before then to earn the chance to win her heart someday, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted her heart. By the time I walked into the tavern, I had mostly forgotten about her.

  The tavern was empty. It wasn’t the same without Sunflower there to aggressively ignore me. I laid a couple of coins on the table that she used for a bar, and I filled a mug. Before turning away, I heard a voice from the back closet. I opened it and found Sunflower sitting on a bucket, head down, weeping like a little girl.

  I crouched down and chanced getting my wrist broken by touching her shoulder. She cried harder for a while, then slacked off.

  “Don’t you want to know why I’m crying?” she said.

  “You can tell me if you want to. But I can’t fix it and probably don’t know anything about it, so telling me won’t really help you.”

  She shook her head. “Killers. Sorcerers. Armies. The world is crazy. When I was a girl, things made sense.”

  “I expect it’s crazier now than it once was.”

  “I’m glad my boys are dead. If this is the world they would’ve had, I’m glad they’re dead.” She started sobbing again. I put my arm around her, and she mashed her face into my shoulder, tears and mucus streaming. After a bit, she quieted to sniffles, and I let go. She began wiping her eyes and nose and chin.

  We walked out of that stale closet, and I said, “I got my own beer, but I left the money.”

  Sunflower grunted and turned away.

  Desh poked his head in the door a little later. “They’re leaving.”

  “Why, thank you, Desh. I had assumed they were making all that noise by riding in circles around that big tree. What would I do without your profound capacity for observing the world around you?”

  “Don’t be a bastard. Let’s go with them. That’s where the excitement will be. It’ll be boring around here.”

  I smiled at Sunflower, who ignored me, a
nd I considered the fact that an army was marching toward us. “Desh, ‘boring’ depends on your perspective. You go ahead. I’ll catch up after I have another drink or two.”

  “Hah! I’ll stay in case you get lost. Or pass out.” Desh sprawled on his chair in the corner.

  I sat in the tavern for some uncounted number of beers into the late afternoon, ignoring everything Desh said. I sure as sheep shanks didn’t want to go off with Dolf. A lot of soldiers would be getting in my way and killing men I might want to kill. It was the kind of expedition that diminished one’s chances for murder. It also maximized one’s chances of getting killed by freak events that happen when you have hundreds of dubiously trained men together swinging swords.

  Something about all this felt bad, though. Like I’d forgotten something, but I couldn’t put my hand to it.

  Sunflower fetched me supper at dusk. I went ahead and bought supper for Desh, whose purse looked like it had forgotten what jingling sounded like. We ate fast, since the tavern would close at dark. Sunflower sure wasn’t spending money on candles for customers like us.

  I heard a single rider coming from the south, where both of those little armies had ridden off to. One of Dolf’s soldiers, a mighty handsome fellow, drew rein in the square as I stepped outside.

  “Bib? I’m Vin. Captain sent me, said to bring you back up the road a ways. He said it just like that, which is kind of abrupt. He doesn’t care much about manners, but I do, so I’m saying please come down the trail with me. There’s something he thinks you ought to see, and I do too, and it’s not a trick. He was specific about telling you it’s not a trick.”

  I hadn’t thought it was a trick. I wished it had been a trick. I knew just how to handle a trick. “What is it that I should see?”

  “Well, the captain said to take you there, not tell you, and he is my commander. I would just as soon tell you, but I really can’t.”