The Urban Fantasy Anthology

by Peter S. ; Peter S. Beagle; Joe R. Lansdale Beagle

  He can tell I’m not following.

  “A job. It’ll take the three of us about three hours. You know, holy number.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “Two Hollywood producers. Both vampires. They’ve got two very sexy, very cool low-budget vampire flicks—ones where the vampires win because, hey, if you’re cool and sexy you should win, right?—in post-production, two more in production and three in development. These flicks will seduce too many teens to the Dark Side, He says, so He wants us to take out their makers. They’ll be having late poolside dinner at Blue-on-Blue tonight. We’ll be interrupting it.”

  “I see,” I say. I’m staring at him and he beats me to it.

  “You want to know what we eat if we can’t drink blood.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “We eat what you eat. We don’t need blood since we came over.”

  “Which means you don’t—how to put it?—you don’t perpetuate the species.”

  “Right.”

  “Which can’t make the elders very happy.”

  “No, it can’t.”

  By the end of the sixth day my heart-shot rate is 80 percent and the kid’s nodding, doing a dance move or two in his tight black jeans, and saying “You’re the man, Anthony. You’re the man.” I shouldn’t admit it, but what he thinks does matter.

  When I get there, courtesy of Alitalia (the angel won’t pay for Lufthansa), the city of Siena, in lovely Tuscany, country of my forefathers, is a mess. It’s just after the horserace, the one where a dozen riders—each of them repping a neighborhood known for an animal (snail, dolphin, goose—you get the picture)—beat each other silly with little riding crops to impress their local Madonna. There’s trash everywhere. I’ve got the crossbow in its case, and a kid on a Vespa tries to grab it as he sails by, but I’m ready. I know kids—I was one once—and I nail him with a kick to his knee. The Vespa skids and he flies into a fountain not far away. The fountain is a big sea shell—a scallop—which I know from reading my Fodor’s must be this neighborhood’s emblem for the race. He gets up, crying, gives me the va-funcu with his arm and fist, and screams something in native Sienese—which isn’t at all the Italian I grew up with but which I’m sure means, “I’m going to tell my dad and brothers, you asshole!”

  The apartment is not in the Neighborhood of the Scallop, but in the Neighborhood of the Salmon, and the girl who answers the door is stunning. Tall. The kind of blonde who tans better than a commercial. Eyes like shattered glass, long legs, cute little dimple in her chin. I don’t see how he can keep his teeth off her.

  This is Euro-goth? I don’t think so.

  “So you’re the one,” she says. Her English is perfect, just enough accent to make it sexy.

  “Yeah. Anthony Pagano.” I stick out my hand. She doesn’t take it.

  “Giovanna,” she says. “Giovanna Musetti. And that’s what you’re going to do it with?” She gestures with her head at my case. She can’t take her eyes off it.

  “Yeah.”

  “Please don’t do it,” she says suddenly.

  I don’t know what to say.

  “You’re supposed to want him dead.”

  She looks at me like I’m crazy.

  “Why would I want him dead?”

  “Because you want him to bite you—because you want to be one too—and he—he won’t oblige.”

  “Who told you that?”

  “The—the angel who hired me.”

  “I know that angel. He was here. He interviewed me.”

  “You don’t want him dead?”

  “Of course not. I love him.”

  I sit down on the sofa. They’ve got a nice place. Maybe they enjoy the horseraces. Even if they don’t, the tourists aren’t so bad off-season according to Fodor’s. And maybe when you’re the oldest vampire, you don’t have to obey the no-daylight rule. Maybe you get to walk around in the day—in a nice, clean, modern medieval city—maybe one you knew when you were only a thousand years old and it was being built and a lot trashier—and feel pretty mortal and normal. Who knows?

  “Why did my employer get it wrong?”

  She’s got the same look the angel did. “The angel didn’t get it wrong, Mr. Pagano. He lied.”

  “Why?” I’m thinking: Angels are allowed to do that? Lie? Sure, if God wants them to.

  “Why?” I ask again.

  “I don’t know. That’s one of the things I love about Frank—”

  “Your man’s name is Frank?”

  “It is now. That’s what he’s gone by for the last hundred years, he says, and I believe him. That’s one of the things I love.”

  “What?”

  “That he doesn’t lie. That he doesn’t need to. He’s seen it all. He’s had all the power you could want and he doesn’t want it anymore. He’s bitten so many people he lost count after a century, and he doesn’t want to do it anymore. He’s tired of living the lie any vampire has to live. He’s very human in his heart, Mr. Pagano—in his soul—so human you wouldn’t believe it—and he’s tired of doing his father’s bidding, the darkness, the blasphemy, all of that. I don’t think he was ever really into it, but he had to do it. He was his father’s son, so he had to do it. Carry on the tradition—the business. Do you know what that’s like?”

  “Yes. I do.”

  I’m starting to like her, of course—really like her. She’s great eye candy, but it isn’t just that. The more she talks, the more I like what’s inside. She understands—she understands the mortal human heart.

  “But I’m supposed to kill him,” I say.

  “Why?”

  “Because of—because of ‘balance.’”

  “What?”

  “That’s what my employer said. Even though Frank wants to flip, and you’d think that would be a plus, it wouldn’t be. It would throw things off.”

  “You really believe that, Anthony?”

  Now we’re on first-name basis, and I don’t mind.

  I don’t say a thing for a second.

  “I don’t know.”

  “It sounds wrong, doesn’t it.”

  “Yeah, it does.”

  We sit silent for a while. I’m looking at her hard, too interested, so I make myself look away.

  “Do I make you self-conscious?” she asks gently.

  That turns me red. “It’s not you. It’s me. You look awfully good. It’s just me.”

  “That’s sweet.” Now she’s doing the looking away, cheeks a little red, and when she looks back, she says, “Any idea why God would really want him killed?”

  “None whatsoever.”

  “But you’ve still got to do it.”

  “There was this promise.”

  “I know.”

  “You do?”

  “Sure. If you do it, He’ll forgive everything. They offered me that too if I helped you.”

  “And you said no?”

  “Yes.”

  She loves this guy—this vampire—this son of You-Know-Who—so much she’ll turn down an offer like that? Now I’m really looking at her. She’s not just beautiful, she’s got coglioni. She’ll stand up to God for love.

  I’m thinking these things and also wondering whether the angel lied about her because maybe she stiffed him. Because he’s the vindictive one.

  “There’s nothing I can say to stop you?” she’s asking. She doesn’t say “nothing I can do.” She says “nothing I can say,” and that’s all the difference in the world.

  “Wish there were, but there isn’t. Where is he?”

  “You know.”

  “Yeah, I guess I do. He’s in the Vatican somewhere trying to convince those Jesuit vampires that it’s okay if he turns.”

  “That’s where he said he was going when he left a week ago, so I’m sure it’s true. Like I said, he—”

  “Never lies. I know.”

  I get up.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Me too.”

  I’m depressed when I get to Rome and not
because the city is big and noisy and feels like L.A. (My dad’s people were from Calabria and they never had a good thing to say about Romani, so I’m biased.) It’s because—well, just because. But when I reach the Vatican, I feel a lot better. Now this—this is beautiful. St. Peter’s. The church, the square, marble everywhere, sunlight blinding you like the flashlight of God. Even the silly little Fiats going round and round the circle like they’re trapped and can’t get off are nice.

  He’s not going to be in the basilica, I know. That’s where the Pope is—that new strict guy, Benedict—and it’s visiting day, dispensations, blessings, the rest. I don’t even try to go through the main Vatican doorway on the opposite side. Too many tourists there, too. Instead I go to a side entrance, Via Gerini, where there’s no one. Construction cones, sidewalk repair, a big door with carvings on it. Why this entrance, I don’t know. Just a hunch.

  I know God can open any door for me that He wants to, so if my hunch is right why isn’t the door opening? Maybe there’ll be a mark on the right door—you know, a shadow that looks like the face of Our Lady, or the number 333, something—but before I can check the door for a sign, something starts flapping above my head and scares the shit out of me. I think it’s a bat at first—that would make sense—but it’s just a pigeon. No, a dove. Doves are smaller and pigeons aren’t this white.

  I know my employer thinks I’m slow, but a white dove?

  The idiot bird keeps flapping two feet from my head and now I see it—a twig of something in its beak. I don’t want to know.

  The bird flies off, stops, hovers, and waits. I’m supposed to follow, so I do.

  The door it’s stopped at is the third one down from mine, of course. No face of Our Lady on it, but when I step up to it, it of course clicks and swings open.

  We go through the next doorway, and the next, and the next, seven doorways in all—from a library to a little museum, then another library, then an office, then an archive with messy files, then a bigger museum. Some of the rooms are empty—of people, I mean—and some aren’t, and when they’re not, the people, some in suits or dresses and some in clerical outfits—give me a look like, “Well, he certainly seems to know where he’s going with his musical instrument. Perhaps they’re having chamber music with espresso for gli ufficiali. And of course that can’t really be a pure white dove with an olive twig in its beak flapping in front of him, so everything’s just fine. Buon giorno, Signore.”

  When the bird stops for good, hovering madly, it’s a really big door and it doesn’t open right off. But I know this is it—that my guy is on the other side. Whatever he’s doing, he’s there and I’d better get ready. He’s a vampire. Maybe he’s confused—maybe he doesn’t want to be one any longer—but he’s still got, according to the angel, superhuman strength and super-senses and the rest.

  When the door opens—without the slightest sound, I note—I’m looking down this spiral staircase into a gorgeous little chapel. Sunlight is coming through the stained-glass windows, so there’s got to be a courtyard or something just outside, and the frescoes on the ceiling look like real Michelangelos. Big muscles. Those steroid bodies.

  The bird has flown to the ceiling and is perched on a balustrade, waiting for the big event, but that’s not how I know the guy I’m looking down at is Frank. It isn’t even that he’s got that distinguished-gentleman look that old vampires have in the movies. It’s what he’s doing that tells me.

  He’s kneeling in front of the altar, in front of this big golden crucifix with an especially bloody Jesus, and he’s very uncomfortable doing it. Even at this distance I can tell he’s shaking. He’s got his hands out in prayer and can barely keep them together. He’s jerking like he’s being electrocuted. He’s got his eyes on the crucifix, and when he speaks, it’s loud and his voice jerks too. It sounds confessional—the tone is right—but it’s not English and it’s not Italian. It may not even be Latin, and why should it be? He’s been around a long time and probably knows the original.

  I’m thinking the stained-glass light is playing tricks on me, but it’s not. There really is a blue light moving around his hands, his face, his pants legs—blue fire—and this, I see now, it’s what’s making him jerk.

  He’s got to be in pain. I mean, here in a chapel—in front of an altar—sunlight coming through the windows—making about the biggest confession any guy has ever made. Painful as hell, but he’s doing it, and suddenly I know why she loves him. Hell, anyone would.

  Without knowing it I’ve unpacked my crossbow and have it up and ready. This is what God wants, so I probably get some help doing it. I’m shaking too, but go ahead and aim the thing. I need forgiveness, too, you know, I want to tell him. You can’t bank your immortal soul, no, but you do get to spend it a lot longer.

  I put my finger on the trigger, but don’t pull it yet. I want to keep thinking.

  No, I don’t. I don’t want to keep thinking at all.

  I lower the crossbow and the moment I do I hear a sound from the back of the chapel where the main door’s got to be, and I crane my neck to see.

  It’s the main door, all right. Heads are peeking in. They’re wearing black and I think to myself: Curious priests. That’s all. But the door opens up more and three of them—that holy number—step in real quiet. They’re wearing funny Jesuit collars—the ones the angel mentioned—and they don’t look curious. They look like they know exactly what they’re doing, and they look very unhappy.

  Vampires have this sixth sense, I know. One of them looks up at me suddenly, smiles this funny smile, and I see sharp little teeth.

  He says something to the other two and heads toward me. When he’s halfway up the staircase I shoot him. I must have my heart in it because the arrow nearly goes through him, but that’s not what really bothers him. It’s the wood. There’s an explosion of sparks, the same blue fire, and a hole opens up in his chest, grows, and in no time at all he’s just not there anymore.

  Frank has turned around to look, but he’s dazed, all that confessing, hands in prayer position and shaking wildly, and he obviously doesn’t get what’s happening. The other two Jesuits are heading up the stairs now, and I nail them with my last two arrows.

  The dove has dropped like a stone from its perch and is flapping hysterically in front of me, like Wrong vampires! Wrong vampires! I’m tired of its flapping, so I brush it away, turn and leave, and if it takes me (which it will) a whole day to get out of the Vatican without that dove to lead me and make doors open magically, okay. When you’re really depressed, it’s hard to give a shit about anything.

  Two days later I’m back at Parlami’s. I haven’t showered. I look like hell. I’ve still got the case with me. God knows why.

  I’ve had two martinis and when I look up, there he is. I’m not surprised, but I sigh anyway. I’m not looking forward to this.

  “So you didn’t do it,” he says.

  “You know I didn’t, asshole.”

  “Yes, I do. Word does get out when the spiritual configuration of the universe doesn’t shift the way He’d like it to.”

  I want to hit his baby-smooth face, his perfect nose and collagen lips, but I don’t have the energy.

  “So what happens now?” I ask.

  “You really don’t know?”

  “No.”

  He shakes his head. Same look of contempt.

  “I guess you wouldn’t.”

  He takes a deep breath.

  “Well, the Jesuits did it for you. They killed him last night.”

  “What?”

  “They’ve got crossbows too. Where do you think we got the idea?”

  “Same wood?”

  “Of course. They handle it with special gloves.”

  “Why?”

  “Why kill him? Same line of thought. If he flips, things get thrown off balance. Order is important for them, too, you know. Mortals are the same way, you may have noticed. You all need order. Throw things off and you go crazy. That’s why you’ll put up wit
h despots—even choose them over more benign and loving leaders—just so you don’t have to worry. Disorder makes for a lot of worry, Anthony.”

  “You already knew it?”

  “Knew what?”

  “That I wouldn’t do it and the Jesuits would instead.”

  “Yes.”

  “Then why send me?”

  Again the look, the sigh. “Ah. Think hard.”

  I do, and, miracle of miracles, I see it.

  “Giovanna is free now,” I say.

  “Yes. Frank, bless his immortal soul—which God has indeed agreed to do—is gone in flesh.”

  “So He wants me to hook up with her?”

  The angel nods. “Of course.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she’ll love you—really love you, innocent that you are—just the way she loved him.”

  “That’s it?”

  “Not exactly… Because she’ll love you, you’ll have to stop. You’ll have to stop killing people, Anthony. It’s just not right.”

  “No, I won’t.”

  “Yes, you will.”

  “Don’t think so.”

  “But you will—because, whether you know it yet or not, you love her, too.” What do you say to that?

  The angel’s gotten up, straightened his red Zegna, picked up the case, and is ready to leave.

  “By the way,” he adds, “He says He forgives you anyway.”

  I nod, tired as hell. “I figured that.”

  “You’re catching on.”

  “About time,” I say.

  “He said that too.”

  “And the whole ‘balance’ thing—”

  “What do you think?”

  Pure bullshit is what I’m thinking.

  “You got it,” he says, reading my mind because angels can do that.

  Twenty-four hours later I’m back in Siena, shaved and showered, and she doesn’t seem surprised to see me. She’s been grieving—that’s obvious. Red eyes. Perfect hair tussled, a mess. She’s been debriefed by the angel—that I can tell—and I don’t know whether she’s got a problem with the Plan or not, or even whether there is a Plan. The angel may have been lying about that too. But when she says quietly, “Hello, Anthony,” and gives me a shy smile, I know—and my heart starts flapping like that idiot bird.