by L. Wilder
“I’ve been better.”
“And your contractions?”
“They’re getting pretty intense.”
He nodded. “Well, I’m about to make you feel a lot better. Just need you to sit up for me.”
“Okay.”
With Beckett’s help, I sat up and turned with my back to the anesthesiologist, and it wasn’t long before he’d administered my epidural. Once he helped me back down on the bed, he smiled and said, “We’ll just need to wait a few minutes for that to take effect, and then we’ll be set to start the C-section.”
“Okay, thank you.”
I watched as the nurses placed a surgical screen above my stomach. Once it was up, I could hear the doctor and nurses moving around and talking, but I couldn’t see what they were doing. The whole thing made me extremely nervous, and I was on the verge of losing it when I felt Beckett’s mouth at my ear. “It’s going to be fine. Just breathe.”
“I’m really glad you’re here.”
“Me too. No other place I’d rather be.”
Trying my best not to cry, I whispered. “I need him to be okay.”
“It’s a boy?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Well, how about that.” A sweet smile crossed his face. “A boy. Well, if he’s anything like his ol’ man, he’s a fighter and you’ve got nothing to worry about.”
“I really hope he’s like you.” I looked over to Beckett as I told him, “I was thinking of calling him Joshua Tucker ... JT, for short. If that’s okay?”
“I like it.”
“Beckett?”
“Hmm?”
I looked up and back so I could see his face as I whispered, “I really am sorry.”
“Don’t worry about any of that now. You need to focus on having this baby.”
Moments later, the doctor leaned over the barrier and said, “We’re about to begin. You might feel a slight pinch, but if you feel anything more, just let us know.”
“Okay.”
The room fell silent as the doctor began the C-section. Just as he’d warned, I felt a strange pinching and tugging sensation, but no real pain. I tried to listen as the doctor talked back and forth with the nurses, but it was difficult to hear what they were saying. Sensing that I was getting worked up again, Beckett placed his hand on my shoulder and whispered, “It’s gonna be okay. Just try to relax.”
Suddenly there was a little commotion, and the next thing I knew, the anesthesiologist asked Beckett to move over to the corner of the room. As he took a hold of my IV, he explained, “There’s been a slight complication. Everything’s fine, but we’re gonna have to put you under for a bit.”
Before I could ask him what was going on, everything went black. I don’t know how long it had been when I woke up in a room with my IV still connected to my arm and no baby at my side. When he saw that I was awake, Beckett came over to me and said, “He’s okay. He’s downstairs in the NICU.”
“Why? Is something wrong? Did something happen? Is that why they—”
“He’s okay. The doctor wasn’t happy about his oxygen level, so he sent JT downstairs as a precautionary measure.”
“You’re sure he’s going to be okay?”
“The doctor didn’t give me any reason to think otherwise. He believes you and Josh are going to be just fine. He just needs a little time to get his levels up where they need to be.” Beckett pulled out his phone and pulled up a picture of our son. “He’s beautiful, freckles. Looks just like you.”
He brought the phone closer for me to get a better look, and I was in complete awe as I peered down at our son. He had beautiful dark eyes, the tiniest bit of dark hair, and the most precious little fingers and toes. Beckett was right. He was beautiful. Tears filled my eyes as I asked, “When can I see him?”
“The nurse said she’d be back in a couple of hours to take us down to the NICU.”
“Okay, good.” I studied the picture for a few more moments, then Beckett put the phone back in his pocket. “I know I said it before, but I really am sorry.”
“You should’ve told me, Alyssa. I deserved a chance to explain.”
“I know. I was just so confused.” I couldn’t bear to look him in the eye, so I stared up at the ceiling. “I just couldn’t believe that you and Clay would do something like that.”
“This isn’t the time or the place for this conversation, but I’ll tell you this.” He inched closer, making sure that none of the nurses could hear him as he whispered, “Those men were the ones responsible for shooting Gus, and they had it in their heads that they were coming after the rest of us. We did what we did to protect our family, Alyssa.”
“I didn’t know.”
“’Cause you didn’t ask.”
He leaned over and kissed me on the temple. I don’t know if it was my raging hormones, the effects of the anesthesia, or the enormity of finally seeing Beckett after so many months, but I was overcome with emotion. I started to cry and soon I was sobbing, making it difficult to say, “There’s something else I need to tell you.”
“You don’t have to say anything, Lyssa. I already know.”
“No, I need to say it.” His eyes met mine. “I never stopped loving you. Not for one second. Even after what I saw, I still loved you, and I still love you now. I think I always will.”
“I love you, too, Alyssa Hanson. I really do.”
“Do you think we can figure this whole thing out ... start over or something?”
“No reason to start over. We both made mistakes. We just gotta learn from them and do better next time.”
“You make it sound easy.”
“Because it is. I want you in my life, and I’m gonna do everything in my power to show you, and our son, just how much you mean to me.”
“I do love you.”
“And I love you.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, kissing me softly. “I’ve waited for you my whole life, Alyssa, and trust me when I say, you are worth every second.”
19
T-Bone
Naturally, it alarmed me when I heard Alyssa was in the hospital, but to say I was in shock after finding out the reason why was putting it mildly. Never once, in all these months, did I suspect that she might be pregnant. It just never crossed my mind. Even now, as I sat there studying the picture of my newborn son, I just couldn’t believe it—I, Beckett Walker, was actually a father, and the woman I loved more than anything in this world was his mother. I hated that I’d missed all of her pregnancy—doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, and watching our son grow inside of her, but I couldn’t focus on that now. Instead, I needed to concentrate on making up for lost time and being there for Alyssa and JT. I needed to make things right and prove to her that I could be what they both needed—that I could be the one if she’d let me.
Knowing they were all waiting to hear how Alyssa and the baby were doing, I made my way to the waiting room to find my brothers. The second I walked into the room, they all gathered around and listened as I gave them the rundown of everything the doctor had told me. While they were all surrounding me, I took the opportunity to show them the picture of Josh. Blaze was the first to give me hell. “Thank god, he looks like his momma.”
“Can’t disagree with you there, brother.” I chuckled as I said, “I gotta tell ya, I still have no idea how this happened.”
“If you don’t know that by now then I ain’t gonna bother explaining it to ya.” Gus teased.
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” I argued. “We were always careful.”
“Well, you know they say condoms are only ninety-seven percent effective.” Murphy slapped me on the back as he chuckled. “Leave it to you to be in that three percent failure rate.”
“Fuck you, Murph.”
“Come on, brother. You know I’m just fucking with ya.” He reached over and gave me a big hug. “I’m proud for ya. We all are. We got no doubt that you’re gonna be a great dad.”
“Thanks, brother. A
ppreciate it.”
“We’re gonna get going,” Blaze announced. “You be sure to let us know if something changes or you guys need anything.”
“Will do.”
I said my goodbyes, and once the brothers started to clear out, Hyde came over to get a better look of the picture I’d taken of the baby. As he looked down at the screen, he chuckled as he said, “Damn, he’s a handsome feller, just like his uncle.”
“He looks like his mother.”
“Doesn’t matter who he looks like. I’ll love him the same either way.”
“That goes for the both of us.”
“You know, I’m having a real hard time wrapping my head around all this. I mean … damn … she was pregnant, and she didn’t tell us. What the fuck, man? Who does that?” Hyde shook his head. “I gotta tell ya, the whole thing kind of pisses me off. I mean ... I get seeing that drive-by had to fuck her up. Hell, it’d fuck anybody up, but damn, it’s embarrassing as fuck that my own sister was pregnant, and I didn’t know a goddamn thing about it.”
“Trust me when I say, I know exactly how you feel.” I took my phone and slipped it into my back pocket. “But we got nobody to blame but ourselves. The fact that she saw anything is on us. We’re the ones who fucked up, and because of our mistake, she’s spent the last eight months thinking we killed those guys just for shits and giggles. It’s no wonder that she was too scared to tell us that she was fucking pregnant.”
“You got a point, but still ... She could’ve given me a chance to explain. I’m her brother.”
“You’re exactly right. You are her brother—the one person she trusts the most in this world, and you and I both failed her.”
I watched as my words sunk in, and sorrow crept across his face. “Damn, you’re right. I really fucked up, didn’t I?”
“We both did, and now it’s up to us to make it up to her ... That is, if she’ll let us.”
“Well, we’ll just have to see that she does.”
“That we will.” I looked my brother in the eye as I said, “And you need to know, I have every intention of claiming Alyssa as mine. I love her, brother, and no matter what it takes, I’m going to make her and JT happy.”
He gave me a pat on the shoulder. “They’d both be lucky to have you.”
“We need to get upstairs and check on her. It won’t be long before they let her go down to see the baby.”
Hyde followed me up to Alyssa’s room. When we walked in, she was sitting up on the bed, and I couldn’t imagine a more beautiful sight. Her long hair was down, framing her angelic face, and it was clear from her soulful expression that she was deep in thought. I walked over to the edge of the bed and placed my hand on hers. “You okay?”
“Is it strange to miss someone you haven’t even met yet?”
“No, freckles. You’ve spent the last eight months together, so it’s perfectly natural for you to be missing him right now.” I smiled as I told her, “But don’t worry, you’ll be seeing him soon.”
“I really hope so.” Tears filled her eyes as she asked, “They say it’s important for the baby to connect with his mother right after birth. What if he doesn’t know me? What if he doesn’t recognize me as his mother?”
“He will. With a momma like you, there’s no way that he couldn’t.”
She nodded, then brushed a tear from her cheek. “I’ve been thinking about what you said ... about the shooting and what those men did. I’m really sorry that I assumed the worst. I should’ve known better. I should’ve trusted you both and given you a chance to explain. Something, anything—except turning my back on you like I did. I’m really sorry. If I could—”
“Alyssa, this isn’t all on you.” I looked over at Hyde and said, “We’ve all had a hand in making a mess of this, but that’s over now. Hyde and I are going to do what we can to set things straight, starting with explaining some things about the club.”
“I understand why you did what you did that night. They hurt Gus and threatened to hurt more of your brothers. They weren’t good men. I know all of that.”
Hyde stepped over to her and said, “I’m gonna ask you something, and I want you to be honest with me.”
“Okay.”
“What was going through your head the day you went and bought that gun?”
Surprise crossed her face. “You know about that?”
“Yeah, we both do.” Hyde’s expression grew serious and his tone was filled with determination as he said, “You might’ve turned us away, Sis, but that didn’t mean we stopped looking out for you.”
“I bought it because of Lucas. He kept coming by my work. He threatened to hurt me again, and I couldn’t let that happen.”
“What were you going to do?”
Her voice trembled as she said, “I’d kill him before I let him put his hands on me again, Clay. I—”
“I know, Alyssa. You don’t have to say any more.” Hyde reached over and took her hand. “I understand completely. We had the same thought in mind when we took care of those thugs. Right or wrong, it was a means to an end, but I need you to know, that’s a very small part of what goes on in the club. We’re not just brothers, we’re a family, and we stand by one another through thick and thin.”
Alyssa nodded, but I could see that she wasn’t completely convinced. “You remember the night we all moved you into your place?”
“Uh-huh.”
“That night is what we’re about, Alyssa. Being together. Sharing our lives with one another, and we both want you to be a part of that. We want you to see for yourself that what we’re saying is true.”
“I’d like that.” She thought for a moment, then asked, “You were there the night I pulled out my gun after Lucas showed up?”
“I was.” Knowing she was going to ask, I said, “Let’s just say, you won’t have to worry about seeing him again.”
“Oh.” I could see the wheels turning in her head. I had no idea what she was thinking, especially when that big smile crept over her face. “And here I’d been thinking that he’d run off because I’d scared him with my big, bad gun and ferocious threats.”
“Maybe, or maybe it was something else entirely.”
“I honestly don’t care. I’m just glad that I won’t have to deal with him anymore.”
We continued talking for several minutes, and while she wasn’t on board a hundred percent, I had a feeling that Alyssa was finally starting to understand all the good that the club had brought into our lives. I hoped that in time she’d realize those same benefits were meant for her own life as well, but that would take time. Thankfully, we had plenty of that on our hands. Hyde was busy catching Alyssa up on what had been going on with him and Landry when one of the nurses tapped on the door and stepped inside with a wheelchair. “Hey there, folks. There’s a little boy down the hall who wants to see his momma.”
“We can see him?”
“You sure can. Well, you and the father can go.” She pushed the wheelchair over to the side of the bed. As she started to help Alyssa up and into the chair, she explained, “Since he’s in the NICU, there can only be two people in the room, and we’ll have to give you an isolation gown to wear, along with gloves, shoe covers, and a mask. I know it’s a lot, but we want to keep our babies safe.”
“Of course.”
“I’m Katie, by the way. I’m the nurse assigned to Joshua, and I’m pleased to tell you that he’s been doing really well.” A big smile crossed her face as she said, “The little guy didn’t care for the oxygen tube in his nose and pulled it out on his own.”
“Oh no!”
“It’s a good thing. His levels have been great without it.”
“That’s fantastic news.”
“Yes, it is.” Her smile faded a bit as she continued, “We just have to get the little man to eat. So far, he hasn’t wanted the breast milk you pumped for us. If we can’t get him to take it soon, we’ll have to administer a feeding tube, but we have some time before going down that road.”
Alyssa was practically beaming as we made our way down the hall and into the NICU. The nurse gave us our protective garments to put on, and once we were ready, she led us inside. I have to admit, going into that room with all those tiny babies in their incubators was a little rattling, especially with all the nurses buzzing around to make sure they were all okay. I could tell by the panicked look in her eyes that Alyssa was feeling the same as the nurse brought us to the back of the room. When we reached JT’s crib, I was surprised to find it empty. Clearly alarmed by the fact, Alyssa looked over to the nurse and asked, “Where is he? Is something wrong?”
“Umm, no. Actually, he’s just fine.” She leaned over to the nurse in the next cubicle and said, “Hey, Michele. JT’s parents are here.”
When the nurse turned around, I could see that she was carrying JT in her arms. As she rushed over to us, she said, “Oh! I’m so sorry. We usually don’t have babies his size around here, and I just can’t seem to put the little guy down.”
“So, he’s doing okay?”
“Oh, yes.” The nurse bent down and placed JT in Alyssa’s arms. “He’s doing more than okay.”
Tears filled Alyssa’s eyes as she looked down at our son and said, “He’s perfect.”
“Yes, he is.” Katie leaned over to me and asked, “Would you like to see if you can get him to nurse?”
I nodded, and Katie carefully helped me to lower my gown. My sutures were still very tender, so she placed a pillow under JT for support. We tried for several minutes to get him to latch on, but he simply wasn’t having it. Trying her best to reassure me, Katie smiled. “No worries. He’s just going to need some time. How ‘bout I go get him a bottle and see if that works any better?”
“Okay. Sounds good.”
When Katie turned and walked away, I grabbed one of the empty chairs and moved it over next to Alyssa, and as I sat down, she asked, “What if we can’t get him to nurse?”
