Asylum

by Lily White

  I couldn’t contain my anger. “I didn’t kill anybody! I don’t even know who those men are…”

  “Do not raise your voice with me, Ms. Sutton. I’ve allowed your quirks in behavior thus far, but I’m growing tired of your insubordination. While under my care you will learn to control your outbursts or else you will be restrained both physically and chemically, if necessary.”

  “Through drugs, you mean. You’ll dope me up to a point where I can’t fight back.”

  “If that’s what I must do. Like I’ve said, I don’t prefer that type of restraint, but in certain cases, it can’t be avoided.”

  Standing from his chair, he rounded the desk to stand in front of me. I craned my neck to look up at him, my muscles tightening painfully with anger and the refusal to believe that I’d done any of the things of which I’d been accused. It wasn’t until he was close enough to touch me that the notes of his cologne wafted beneath my nose – something haunting and exotic, masculine and earthy. I shivered at the smell, looking away from him and grasping my hands together in my lap to the point where my short fingernails dug into my skin.

  “Look at me, Ms. Sutton.”

  I did as I was told because there was no point in fighting back. A slow roll of recognition penetrated my thoughts, the abysmal circumstances of this place, the futility and harrowing truth that I was under their control. Any hint of rebellion and I would be dosed into compliance, drooling on myself while nodding my approval of whatever horrible thing they had planned. They stripped you of your strength, your voice, your entire being, and replaced it with the structure implicit to an institution for the insane.

  “You are my patient and as such, you are under my control and also my protection. I will not hurt you in any way. My only job is to help you. However, any rebellion on your part will be met with equal force. Do you understand?”

  “Yes sir.” I spit out the words, angry that I was answering to a man I didn’t even know.

  “That’s a good girl.” Stepping back, he offered me his hand. I refused to take it and he shrugged as he pulled it back to his side.

  “Terrie is waiting for you in the hall. Our session is over and you are being taken to meet with your brother.”

  I stood up, refusing to meet his gaze as I crossed the room towards the door. When I opened it, he called out to me.

  “I look forward to our future sessions, Ms. Sutton. I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around the ward soon enough.”

  Crossing through the doorway, I practically ran to Terrie, tears erupting from my eyes as she enfolded me in a soft embrace. She patted my head, shushing me softly as if I were a child.

  “There, there, young one. I know this is all scary right now, but I promise it will be better soon.”

  Chapter Three

  “I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.”

  - Edgar Allen Poe

  Stepping into the all white room, I questioned the lack of color in this place. It was like all forms of beauty had been removed from the environment, leaving us listless and empty, roaming rooms and walls that couldn’t be distinguished from others.

  In the center of the room was a long wooden table, the white paint covering it chipped and peeling revealing the light wood beneath. The chairs were plastic. The windows were dirty and grey as a result of the metal screens that ran through the scratched and cloudy shatterproof glass.

  Taking my seat at the table, I waited patiently for Dain to enter the room. I knew he was undergoing a search to ensure that nothing he brought into the room could be used by me to escape the hell I’d been locked inside.

  The door swung open with a hiss, before slamming shut behind the tall and broad body of my only sibling. Memories surfaced of our childhood, but those images didn’t coincide with the grown man Dain had become. Wearing a pair of dark jeans and a brown leather jacket, he moved across the room with caution, his blue eyes peering down at me with a question stirring behind the light hue.

  “How are you feeling, Kid?”

  The smile I returned to him was fabricated in an effort to set his heart at ease. I knew it couldn’t be easy for him to see me in this place – in this condition.

  “I’m good,” I responded as my small body was completely engulfed in the heat and strength of his embrace. I felt safe pressed up against his chest and for a single moment, I felt like I was home. With his chin resting on my head, he squeezed me tight.

  “You look good. Better than you did last week.” His chin moved over my scalp as he talked and I reluctantly released him to respond.

  “I’m scared, Dain. I’m starting to remember things, I think. I’m starting to remember this place, but I don’t know why I’m here.”

  Sighing heavily, he motioned for me to sit down at the table. I did so, watching as he stripped the jacket off his body to hang it on a chair. Looking him over, I noticed the fine lines on his face that aged him. Black stubble ran across his cheeks and jaw. Dark circles were half moons under his eyes, giving away how tired he was. It wasn’t the image I saw in my mind when I thought of him. He appeared older than when I last saw him, as if he’d stepped into a time warp that had aged him since the last time I remember seeing him.

  “Are they treating you okay in here?” Pulling out the seat, he allowed the wood legs to drag across the floor and I felt accosted by the jarring sound that echoed between the dirty white walls of the room.

  Wrapping my arms around my body, I shivered against the cold air that poured heavily from the air conditioning vents in the ceiling. “I guess so. I mean, from what I can remember.”

  He grimaced, but forced his lips to curve up into an encouraging smile. “Well, that’s good. That’s real good.” His words weren’t strong enough to convince anybody of their truth. The meeting felt awkward and I was tired of beating around the bush.

  “I’m remembering things, Dain. I’m remembering full days, names and faces. I’m able to think back to events in the ward. I met with the doctor today and he told me there have been signs of improvement.”

  Dain nodded and smiled. “That’s good, Kid. Hopefully, we can clear up everything that has led to you being in here. There’s a good possibility the last four years can come rushing back to you and you’ll be able to get out eventually and rebuild your life.”

  “But that’s the thing; I don’t know what my life was. Up until this morning when I met with Dr. Hutchins, I thought I was much younger. I have no recollection, no …”

  “I know, Alex…”

  “How old am I, Dain? Has it really been so long?” I was afraid to ask the question, even more afraid to know the answer. I hadn’t wanted to believe Dr. Hutchins in his office. In fact, I’d prayed that he was lying. But walking along with Terrie and watching my reflection flashing in the passing windows, I realized that I didn’t look like the girl I’d been. I was different. I was someone I didn’t recognize.

  In a hushed tone, he answered, “We’ve had this conversation before. Many times, in fact…”

  “So will you ever stop having it with me?”

  He sighed and reached across the table to take my hands. “If what the doctor is saying is true, I won’t need to have it with you again. He claimed there was a chance that in a few more weeks, I’ll be able to question you about everything. There’s a possibility I can help you.”

  “How old am I? How long have I been here?”

  “You’re twenty-one. You’ve been here for a year. And I’ve answered this question every time I’ve seen you. That’s the thing that scares me about all of this: They say you’re improving, yet there is information that still doesn’t stick. I swear you’ve become worse since being shoved inside this place.”

  Moisture welled in my eyes to hear the despondency of his voice. Quickly, clearing his throat, he shook himself of the emotion and reached for a folder on the table that I hadn’t noticed before.

  “Every week, I show you these photos, Alex. You haven’t recognized them yet and you haven
’t remembered even having seen them. But I won’t stop trying. You’re holding onto some information now and you’re much better than you were when you first ‘woke up’ in this place a month ago…”

  Trickling warm and wet, my tears escaped as he spoke. I could tell he was struggling to keep his voice straight.

  “It’s like everything having to do with what you’ve been accused of doing disappears almost as soon as you learn about it. That scares me, Alex.” Shaking his head, he spoke before I could respond, changing his tone of voice so fast that my head spun.

  “Dr. Hutchins says that the therapy might help unlock something inside of you. He seems to know what he’s talking about. I had to sign releases to allow him to proceed, but I’m a desperate man, Kid. I have no choice but to do everything I can that will help.”

  My bottom lip trembled and I was crushed by a dizzying wave of sticky feelings. Swirling in my head like a muck that was thick and suffocating, I strained my head, inducing a headache that I thought would crush my skull. No matter how hard I concentrated on the past, I feared what he was saying was true.

  I remembered that he visited before and I’d grown past the point where I woke up everyday not understanding where I was, but when I thought about the past few weeks I realized there was no specific information. I didn’t remember conversations; I remembered faces, each one appearing and then fading so fast into the ether of my memory. It was hazy inside my head, disjointed and it made little sense. The last week was the most clear. It was when I realized what Nurse Joe was doing to the other patients and it was when I realized that the only person I could hope to trust in this place was Terrie. I didn’t recall many patients, not their names at least. I could see them, but I had no idea who they were.

  My eyes followed the movement of his hand. Slowly reaching for the folder, he slid it across the surface of the wood to place it between us. With a quick flick of his thumb, the folder flipped open and I stared down into the smiling faces of a girl I barely recognized and a boy I didn’t know at all.

  “Do you recognize that photo?” He was hesitant when he asked the question. The silence that followed left his words hanging heavily between us.

  I didn’t recognize it, not really. I knew the girl was me. I could still remember the days when my hair was down my back and I had tragic, ice blue eyes that sparkled with life. With the smile of a girl who didn’t have a care in the world, I was beaming in this photo, but it was somehow wrong. I couldn’t place what I was feeling, but I knew the smile I wore was forced, faked in an effort to disguise tremendous pain.

  “It’s me.”

  “And who? You and who, Alex?” He quickly asked. His tone had a hint of hope, as if by recognizing my own face in the photo, I’d remembered something important. “Do you recognize the boy standing beside you?”

  Just as it had in Dr. Hutchins’ office, a faint glimmer of memory flashed in my thoughts, but it was gone so quickly I couldn’t grasp it. The boy was good looking with a charming smile and wavy brown hair that framed his strong, square jaw. He looked young, but no matter how I scrutinized the image being shown to me, I couldn’t recognize him.

  “No.” I shook my head, glancing up at Dain with an apologetic smile. He’s…he’s familiar, but at the same time, I don’t know that I’ve ever seen him before. Obviously…”

  That’s when it hit me.

  What was once a waking dream - a situation so surreal that my own emotions had been overwhelmed by its seriousness - was now morphing into a reality I didn’t understand. My heart pounded and my skin felt cold. Blood rushed through my head making me dizzy and unable to focus my eyes. I could feel my tears dripping along my cheeks, but I didn’t realize I’d been shedding them.

  “Alex? Are you all right?” Dain was concerned. Standing up from his seat, he rounded the table and grabbed my shoulders to steady me. I hadn’t realized I’d been hunched over. I’d been knocked back and weighted down by the ugly realization that something was terribly wrong.

  “Yeah, I just….”

  The door to the room slammed open and I didn’t need to raise my eyes to recognize who’d joined us. The smooth cadence of his voice was too distinctive not to immediately recognize.

  “Is everything okay in here? Please step aside, Mr. Sutton. Let me look at her.”

  Dark brown hair framed a chiseled face when he knelt down into view in front of me. The heat of his hand brushed over my skin, his two fingers pressing against my neck.

  “Her pulse is elevated. Ms. Sutton, can you hear me?”

  “Y-Yes…I’m fine.”

  I wasn’t. The room spun around both Dain and Dr. Hutchins.

  Dr. Hutchins pushed me back to sit against the chair and stood up, grabbing my brother by the arm. After leading Dain to a distant corner in the room, he whispered. Nothing was secret in this place and whispered words still carried on the air.

  “I think it was just an adrenaline rush. The physical response combined with her medications must have been too much for her system. To top it off, I was also told she didn’t eat this morning. There’s a possibility her blood sugar is low. If you don’t mind telling me, what happened just before she started to act woozy.”

  Dain glanced at me before lowering his head and whispering his response to the doctor. “I showed her a picture of Bobby Arrington…”

  “Are you insane?” There was anger in those words, an edge so razor sharp that even I was startled by the doctor’s tone. “She’s nowhere near being able to see any graphic photos…”

  “They weren’t graphic.” After taking a steadying breath to curb his own anger, Dain explained, “It’s just a photo of her and Bobby before…”

  “I see.” Rubbing his chin in thought, Dr. Hutchins opined, “She’s done for today, Dain. It’s still too soon for this, although I have to admit I’m pleased with the reaction she had. It shows that she’s becoming more aware of the present. As a result, she might soon be able to come to terms with the past. But it needs to be introduced to her slowly. Her mind can’t yet grasp the magnitude of having lost the past four years. It’s best we take a slow approach if we have any hope of helping her gain them back.”

  Dain nodded solemnly, throwing me another glance before walking away from the doctor in the direction of the table. I looked up when he approached, my eyes barely able to see out from behind the walls of tears that never stopped.

  Kneeling down in front of me, he took my hand in one of his and looked up into my face. With his other hand, he reached up to wipe away the tears that wouldn’t cease running down my face. “I’ve got to leave for now, Kid. The guys at the station need me on other cases, so I don’t have much time today. I’ll be back soon though.”

  “The station?” I didn’t understand what he was telling me.

  He smiled so warmly that the dimples on his cheeks indented and reminded me of the boy with whom I’d grown up. “Yeah, kid. The station. I graduated from the academy shortly after mom and dad’s accident. I made detective about a year ago.”

  It was too much. Nothing was as it had been before. I’d remained stagnant while the world and everybody in it continued moving forward without me.

  “I’m proud of you, Dain.”

  Patting me on the head, he nodded and looked down to disguise the fact that, he too, was crying. However, the drops of water that splashed near my feet told me the truth about how he was feeling.

  “I know.” I barely heard his response, which I guess didn’t really matter. Before I could respond, I was being lifted from the chair by my arm and I was tucked against Dr. Hutchins’ body as he escorted me to the door. Terrie stood in the threshold, taking my weight once we’d walked close enough for her to reach out and grab me.

  She walked me down the hallway, but not fast enough that I didn’t hear the conversation Dain and Dr. Hutchins were still having in the room.

  “Do you think the therapy will work?” Dain asked.

  Dr. Hutchins didn’t answer immediately. When he d
id, his words terrified me.

  “No worries, Mr. Sutton. I’ll be sure to take extraordinary care of your sister.

  Chapter Four

  A first visit to a madhouse is always a shock

  - Anna Freud

  “I’m going to take you to the rec room now, Alex. You’ll have some leisure time to get to know the other patients. Perhaps you’ll make a friend or two today, especially now that you’ve improved. Don’t be surprised when everybody knows who you are. And don’t feel ashamed for not knowing them. Every person in here has her own problems. Yours just happens to be your memory, whereas theirs is something else entirely.”

  The door to the rec room came into view when we turned a corner and I walked slowly at Terrie’s side, not responding in any way to what she was telling me. My attention remained focused on the hall in which we walked. To the sides were empty wheelchairs and gurneys, each one equipped with padded straps that could restrain any patient who didn’t want to cooperate with the staff. Some had dirty sheets and I wondered what the stains were that covered the white space of the fabric. The walls, as usual, were worn and marked. Most contained unrecognizable writing or scratch marks, but every once in a while a clear outline of a hand could be seen in the chaotic blemishes on the once bright white paint.

  “Nurses Lisa and Lara are watching the room so I’ll be entrusting you into their care. I’m needed in the medical wing today, but I’ll see you later tonight in order to administer your meds. With the fiasco this morning with your pills, I don’t trust Joe to give them to you again.”

  “He does things to the patients, you know. He visits them at night…”

  Patting my hand, she brushed off my remark. “There, there. I highly doubt Joe would do such a thing. I think your dreams and nightmares are getting to you, beautiful girl. Hopefully, with Dr. Hutchins’ treatment you’ll escape the demons inside you.”

  Stretching her arm out in front of her body, she pushed the swinging door open and led me through. She let it go and allowed it to flap loudly behind us. The sound carried throughout the large room and every person turned to look in our direction. The faces of the other patients were familiar, each one seeming like a dream I’d had. I remembered the images, but couldn’t remember why or when I’d seen them.