Yolo: The Lovely Little Lunatic

by Sa'id Salaam

  The park was off limits to cars after sunset. It used to be the place to park and fuck in cars but the police started shaking them down. If you walked in you could fuck or drink or smoke under one of the pavilions.

  Yolo got to use her stalking skills in real life. No more practice, she was hunting for real. She parked a few blocks away and circled around to sneak up on her prey. She crept up using the loudmouth girls’ loud conversation as cover.

  “Man that’s fucked up Ray is dead,” Kenya griped bitterly. “Now I gotta have some more damn kids by one of these niggas!”

  “I know right! They got all my baby daddies at one time! Coulda at least left me one,” Alexis groaned. Luckily, most of Ace’s possessions were in her name. Unluckily Yolo was there.

  Yolo lifted the 40 caliber to the back of Kenya’s head at the same time she lifted the beer to her mouth. At the same time, the frothy fluid hit her tongue, Yolo fired. The slug easily passed through her unused brain, out her mouth, and through the bottle. It would technically qualify as a trick shot had it been a competition. It wasn’t though.

  “Aww man look what you did to my beer! Look at my friend!” Alexis complained in order of importance. She was about to day some more dumb shit until she recognized the face. “You!”

  “Me,” Yolo laughed waving her hand amicably. The wave was friendly but the smoking canon in the other hand not so much.

  “Girl I know you ain’t trippin’ ‘bout that little shit last week. Here girl,” Alexis said and passed the blunt. You gotta give the girl credit; she was tryin’ to stay alive.

  “Um…ok?” Yolo said accepting the weed. The girl was nice and the weed smelled good so why not? Yolo was still going to kill her.

  “Oh I like your hair! I’ma go natural too one day. Gon’ have to cut all this perm out first,” Alexis admired.

  “I’ve never had a perm my whole life,” Yolo said proudly. Luckily, she murdered She-Ra before she got a chance to fry her head.

  They made girly small talk as they passed the blunt back and forth as if Kenya wasn’t at their feet leaking brain matter. The moment of truth came when the weed came to an end. Alexis stood up and tried her luck.

  “Welp, nice seeing you again. I’m ‘bout to go,” she said and turned to leave.

  “Ok bye!” Yolo sang, and then shot her in the back of her head too. “Two down, two to go.”

  Kim was a little harder to kill because she barely left the house. When she did, it was always in the middle of the day with her kids in tow. Reggie left a few pounds of weed at her house, which kept her from the weed spot. Yolo had staked out the spot but never saw her. Shontay on the other hand must have been suffering from glaucoma or cancer or something because she was there five times a day, every day. Yolo could have gotten her several times over but didn’t. She was saving her for last. She had something special in store for her.

  Since she spent so much time stalking the weed spot, Yolo ventured in and brought a bag. She made a mess in the car trying to roll a smoke-able blunt and got it five tries later. After blazing, she was high and hungry. There was a Chinese restaurant on the block so she took a break and went in.

  “Cat fried rice in lobster sauce and an egg roll,” Yolo demanded and cracked up at her own joke.

  “Um…we no sell cat,” the Chinese lady said looking guilty. With her lying ass, that’s all they served was cat. It didn’t matter if you ordered chicken, beef, or pork fried rice, your ass was getting cat. “Shri fri ri wi robster sauce?” she offered instead and Yolo cracked up again.

  A phone rang and the woman turned to answer. Yolo only half listened to the delivery order until she heard a familiar address. “12 Rawrence Street. Ten mini”

  Yolo quickly got her order and took off. It was time for a special delivery.

  “Who!” Kim barked from behind her triple locked door.

  “You order chini foo?” Yolo called out and covered her mouth from giggling again.

  “Bout damn time!” Kim barked and snatched the door open. She didn’t even bother to look as she turned to get her purse. Her children were all in the living room engrossed in play. Treble’s son was on the game console while Reggie’s two daughters had a tea party. Yolo pulled a gun.

  Kim turned and looked right down the barrel of the gun. In it, her whole life flashed before her eyes. She could only shake her head at all the poor choices and bad decisions she’d made. Three were staring up at her now.

  “What about my kids?” she pleaded. Just like a sorry ass baby momma trying to use her kids against a man. It didn’t work then and it didn’t work now. Yolo fired off three quick shots killing each child in their spot.

  “What kids?” she asked with a shrug.

  “I ain’t even touch you, I didn’t hit you,” Kim pleaded.

  “I know but see, there’s this guy named Killa,” Yolo said sounding like a teen with a crush. Mainly because she was a teen with a crush.

  “I don’t even know if he’s real or not but legend has it that he killed one hundred people before he turned 21 and I’m tryna do the same and I got a long way to go cuz right now I only got um, let’s see… ok Jane, Larry. She-Ra, Mr. Wheeler cuz he tried to fuck me and I don’t play that, um, of course, you know Treble, Ace, Reggie, and Ray. That sounds like a singing group don’t it? Anyway, a doctor, no two doctors, Alexis, Kenya, your kids, and you!” Yolo rambled and then fired. “16 down, 84 to go.”

  “Shontay Mo’nay Jackson?” the uniformed officer asked formally; when Shontay finally pulled the door open. Had she not seen the uniform and badge the door would not have been opened. Even though she was relieved to see the cop, she still paused to recall any open charges or missed court dates.

  “I’m Shontay Mo’nay Jackson,” she replied when nothing came to mind.

  “Miss Jackson you are in extreme danger. As you are aware, someone has murdered several of your friends, we have reason to believe they may target you as well,” he detailed.

  “Several of my friends, someone killed all of my friends! They even killed Kim’s kids! I got kids,” Shontay moaned pointing at the toddler toddling around and infant sleeping on the sofa.

  “We need to get you to a safe house until this thing is over.”

  “Ok, let me pack!” Shontay said and turned to do just that.

  “No time, everything you’ll need is at the house, we must leave now,” the cop urged.

  Shontay scooped the baby up and grabbed her diaper bag. The toddler followed her as she followed the police to the unmarked car.

  “You mind if I smoke?” she asked as soon as they merged onto the Long Island Expressway. It sounded like a question but she’d already pulled a blunt from her purse and pushed in the car lighter.

  “Won't your kids mind?” the officer winced from the display of piss poor parenting.

  “Nah they used to it,” she replied and sparked the blunt. She took a big pull and filled the car with funk from the skunk weed. The vibration of the car and weed smoke put the kids to sleep.

  “So…y’all figured out who is doing this?” she asked between tokes.

  “Oh we know exactly who is responsible for the murders. She is a very dangerous young woman,” he replied with a nod.

  “She! A woman killed all my friends? Babies too?” Shontay screamed causing her kids to stir.

  “Like I said, she’s a very dangerous person,” the cop repeated.

  “Where we going anyway?” she asked halfway through Jersey.

  “Pennsylvania, relax, we still have a little way to go,” he answered. Shontay wasted no time in joining her children in dreamland.

  “We’re here,” the police officer announced loud enough to awaken Shontay. He pulled off the main road onto a dirt driveway leading into the woods. A hundred feet later, he had to get out and unlock a very secure gate. Another hundred feet they pulled to a stop in front of a modern log cabin.

  “Stink mommy,” the toddler proclaimed, wrinkling her little face up.

  “It
do! How you gon’ bring us somewhere that stink like this!” Shontay asked hotly.

  “Don’t worry; you won’t be here long at all. Promise,” he said unlocking the doors. “Go on inside, they’re waiting on you.”

  “Oh ok, well thank you officer…I didn’t get your name," Shantay asked from outside the car.

  “Just call me Casper,” he replied and pulled away. Shontay shrugged at the odd name and walked to the cabin’s door. When she knocked, it eased open.

  “Hello? Anyone here? I’m bout to smoke a blunt,” she called out as she stepped into the sparse front room.

  “In here!” a female voice from another room said, so Shontay followed it. When she found it, she got the shock of her life. At least it would be the last shock of her life.

  “You!” Shontay shouted at the large pistol laying on the table in front of Yolo.

  “Hey girl,” Yolo sang as if they were best fucking friends. As if, her and her girlfriends hadn’t jumped her, as if she wasn’t about to murder her. “Have a seat.”

  “What is this place?” Shontay asked looking at the morticians table in the kitchen. She sat the baby carrier down and sat as ordered.

  “Cuff your wrists. It makes it easier,” Yolo demanded pointing at the cuff attached to the arms of the armchair.

  “You ain’t gon’ kill me in front of my children are you?” Shontay pleaded clicking one cuff on her wrist then the next.

  “Oh no. I wouldn’t do that! You have my word,” she said and stood. Yolo put the gun on the table and opened the back door. The pigs went crazy thinking it was time to eat. They were right. Yolo plucked the baby up and tossed his little ass right in the middle of the pen. One bold hog stole a bite before the head hog grabbed it and retreated to his corner. Shontay was so shocked it took her a few seconds to register what just happened. When Yolo picked her daughter up, she figured it out real quick.

  “No!” Shontay howled as her first-born sailed into the back yard. She landed with a thud and was pounced upon instantly. The hungry hogs took her apart so quickly the child hardly got a chance to scream. Two kids were hardly enough to satisfy the beasts. Luckily, more was on the way.

  “Man that’s fucked up,” Shontay muttered in defeat. No way was she getting through this alive and she accepted it.

  “No what was fucked up was you jumping me. If you never touched me this wouldn’t be happening,” Yolo explained. As she spoke, she tilted a bottle onto a cloth. Shontay asked about it with her eyebrows so Yolo explained. “Chloroform. It’ll help you sleep while I prep you.”

  “Prep me wha…” she tried to ask but had her mouth and nostrils covered before she could get it out. She was asleep in seconds but she would have her answer soon enough.

  “Hey sleepy head,” Yolo sang when Shontay blinked awake.

  “Huh?” Shontay wondered. Wondered why she was strapped to the morgue table. Wondered why she could barely feel her legs. Wondered why they both wore earplugs and wondered what was next.

  “I gave you an epidural. It’s my first one so I hope it worked,” Yolo said and cut her left foot off.

  “Oooyeee!” she screamed her reply. “I feel it!”

  “My bad,” Yolo said verbally although her shoulder shrug translated to ‘oh well.’ She tossed the foot out the back door.

  “How crazy is it to feed people’s feet to pigs? You know cuz people eat pigs’ feet, well not me cuz that’s nasty but I’m just saying.”

  “Eeoowee!” Shontay screamed cutting her off, Guess it was fair since Yolo was cutting her off. She could only watch as the other foot went out the door.

  Luckily, for Shontay, she bled to death halfway through the first leg. Yolo took the girl apart just like a chicken. And just like a chicken, she fed her to the hogs. She found the blunt in the girls’ purse and lit it.

  “83,” Yolo said blowing a smoke ring and watching it waft towards the ceiling.

  Chapter 11

  Yolo turned 17 with 25 bodies under her belt and 75 left to meet her twisted goals. By 18, the stunning beauty was at an even 30 and beginning to get depressed, thinking she may not make it. Luckily, for her niggas kept fucking up as if they wanted to donate their life to help her meet her quota.

  “Great news!” Casper cheered finding Yolo in the den. As usual, she was online reading reports and rumors regarding her favorite mass murderer.

  “Yesss!” Yolo cheered pumping her little fist. Casper always referred to an impending murder as good news so she knew so she knew somebody had to die.

  “Oh and I want it to be messy. It’s time to send a message.”

  “Regular messy or urban fiction author hating on each other messy?” she asked hoping for the latter.

  “Urban fiction. Cut throat, slimy, backstabbing, screen shot, grown ass men acting like high-school girls, in-box gossip messy!” he stressed rubbing his hands together in eager anticipation.

  “How many?” Yolo asked twisting her face into a ‘what you talkin ‘bout Willis.’ She never asked why because she couldn’t possibly care less. All she wanted was bodies to add to her death toll. Isn’t it great when young people set goals? Maybe not in this sense but in general, yeah.

  “Just one. An apostate, low life traitor,” Casper replied of the bad Reverend James.

  Ol’ Rev started off on the right foot, preaching and pastoring real good. As a result, the church grew along with his fame and fortune. As a result of that the good church ladies starting throwing that good church lady pussy at him. He was getting so much ass he started peddling it throughout the congregation. It grew and grew until he had a full-fledged pimping operation going. That’s the thing about good pussy; it cannot be contained.

  Only problem was that Memphis was a Black Mob city. Once Casper got wind of the pimpin’ pastor, he put the squeeze on him. He got a whiff of that southern vagina and sent an Emissary.

  “You can’t pimp a pimp!” Reverend James said sounding just like a pimp. He smoothed his perm back with a diamond-crusted hand and stomped his gator boot as he spoke.

  “Fine,” Mr. Grimsly said and prepared to leave. Not without screwing a long silencer on his pistol to kill him first. A loaded gun is a great negotiation tool and the negotiations began.

  “I’m just saying 40% is a bit high,” Rev suggested but Grimsly kept on screwing. He wasn’t sent to make deals, that’s not what he did. Rev was smart enough to pick up on that. “You know what? Once you say it out loud, it don’t sound so bad. 40% it is!”

  “It does have a nice ring to it,” Grimsly agreed and began to unscrew the silencer.

  Ol’ Rev did good for a while with the payments. Every now and then, he would slack off and Grimsly would come for lunch. No threats, just fine southern fare with a pistol on the table. Once there was no more Grimsly, there were no more payments. He didn’t know about Yolo yet. He was about to find out.

  As usual, Yolo did her homework on her target. She learned his movements, hangouts, and habits. Learned pastor was a freak too. Liked putting things in women’s asses as much as he liked them putting things in his ass. He liked to fuck but wanted to get fucked in return, with his nasty ass. He also had a thing for young girls. Unfortunately, Yolo was a young girl and she planned to fuck him.

  Reverend James mounted his pulpit and began to preach. Ironically, the sermon was about morality. About being chaste and upright until he spotted Yolo. There she was on the front row with her natural hair pulled into a wavy ponytail. She had on her Sunday best minus panties. When she had his attention she popped her legs open long enough for him to see the pretty kitty. A nice bald pussycat.

  “Shit!” Rev cursed at the sight of the plumpness staring back at him.

  “Bullshit!” his assistant preacher/hype man cosigned.

  “That’s right! Pastor said shit cuz that’s what it is!” he said to the stunned faces. The bare box stole his train of thought as vagina has a tendency to do. He freestyled the rest of the sermon and lead the congregation in a brief prayer.


  The second he ‘amenned’ he made a beeline over to Yolo.

  “Nice sermon pastor sir,” Yolo offered shyly. Part of being a good killer is being a good actor. It was easy for her to play virginal since she really was a virgin.

  “Thank you chile, you must be new ‘round here?" he replied staring at her nipples through the dress.

  “I’m is. I just moved from Mississippi to stay with my grandma but she put me out,” she pouted helplessly.

  “Sho-nuff?” he said scheming already. If she had nowhere to go, she was as good as fucked. “Why in the world would she put a precious young thing like you out?”

  “Caught me sucking her husband thang. He won’t my grandpa though,” she said lowering her head in shame. The man’s knees buckled slightly and his vision went blurry from the sudden erection.

  “Did, di, did you swallow?” He had to know.

  “Of course. I’m ‘posed to ain’t I?” Yolo asked innocently. The preacher had heard enough. He snatched her by her thin waist and rushed her from the church.

  “Ravened James?” several people called after him as he blew off all of his after church meetings. Whatever they wanted would have to wait, pastor was trying to get laid. He was about to get laid alright.

  “Where we going?” Yolo asked as downtown Memphis sped by the luxury car’s window.

  “The church keeps a few apartments for the hoes…eh, I mean homeless women. Get ‘em off the streets, help ‘em earn they keep,” he replied. He left out the part about selling pussy to earn your keep.

  The girl was so fresh and clean he decided he’d keep her as a personal sidepiece for a while. At least until something else fresh and clean came along. That’s when he would put that ass for sale. Well, for rent actually, since no one really buys the pussy. Well, married men, but that’s another story.