My Husband's Lies

by Caroline England

  A hand on his shoulder brings him back from his thoughts. It’s Will, his eyes shadowy and tired. He squints at his mobile screen, then places it face down on the bar. ‘I lost her, Nick,’ he says. ‘My own bloody fault.’

  Nick turns to the table, confused. Penny’s still there, Lisa pouring a glass of water. ‘Lost her? How?’

  Will shakes his head, looks unsteady on his feet. ‘My chestnut-haired beauty.’ Then after a moment, ‘The horse. I mean the horse.’ He straightens his shoulders and lifts his head. ‘Still, what’s a hundred quid? It’s only fucking money. Can’t buy me love …’ Shifting his focus to the coffee, he frowns. ‘What the fuck, Nick? Bloody coffee? We’re here to get pissed, raise a glass to Dan’s baby.’

  ‘It’s not for me,’ Nick replies, not wanting to say anything out of turn, but mildly anxious about Will’s strange belligerence and how he might take Penny’s state. But when they reach the table, her tears have been replaced by a forced bright smile.

  ‘Hello, Will,’ she says. ‘Any luck on the horses?’

  Will returns her smile and kisses her forehead. ‘Pretty good so far,’ he replies.

  Buffeted by a sea of inebriated punters, Nick catches the others up outside the racecourse. Breathing in a pleasant communal feeling, he takes Lisa’s hand and listens to her chat as they make their way on the cobbles. Up the hill, past two-tiered medieval buildings and high-street shops, under the West Gate bridge and clock, dodging shoppers and cars. He squeezes his wife’s fingers, still feeling good. Pissed, but not too much. No mixing, that’s the thing.

  The crowd finally starts to thin. Will looks at his watch, then strides ahead, Penny holding his arm. ‘Twenty minutes to get there,’ he calls. ‘If we get the wrong train, you have permission to shoot me.’

  Nick leans towards Lisa. ‘What was that all about earlier with Penny? Tears one minute, then smiles the next.’ He grins, the quip popping out before he can stop it. ‘It was a relief when you got her off that balcony, I can tell you …’

  ‘Not funny, Nick,’ Lisa replies, using her reprimand voice. ‘Not funny at all. You shouldn’t ridicule mental health problems. It can happen to anyone.’ She turns and looks at him pointedly. ‘Patrick, for example.’

  Although stung and surprised by her harsh comment, he goes back to the point. ‘You have to admit it was weird. The way she was hiding it from Will. Why was she crying?’

  ‘She’s worried about him. Thinks he’s distracted and distant. It didn’t help him having to rush to the hospital to sort Seb—’

  ‘Sort Seb how?’

  ‘I don’t know. She was a bit coy about that, so I didn’t want to push it. He’s back home now apparently. She’s more concerned about Will. Says he’s super busy at work, but she’s worried there’s more.’

  ‘Like what?’

  Lisa pulls his hand to make him walk slower. ‘I’m not supposed to say, but we’re in the same boat, so I’ll tell you, but you’re not to say anything, Nick. You know what you’re like.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘You blurting things out. Think first, remember.’

  Nick sighs and walks on. Patrick and blurting today. What will it be next? ‘So, what’s the secret?’

  ‘They’ve been trying to conceive for ages and Dan’s baby has brought it all back. She says Will wants to be a dad and she’s afraid he’ll leave her if she doesn’t get pregnant.’

  ‘Really?’ he asks, surprised. ‘Will’s never said anything to me about wanting kids.’

  ‘Well, I don’t suppose he would if nothing’s happening. But even I’ve heard him saying stuff about carrying on the Taylor line, giving his mum a grandchild, not seeing Seb as father material, things like that. And Penny desperately wants one. Reading between the lines, my guess is she thinks it’ll gloss over the blip. Course, I didn’t want to say anything, but mental illness is like any other ailment, it takes time to recover.’

  Digesting the information, Nick strolls on in silence, then a thought strikes. ‘Why are we in the same boat?’

  ‘Trying for a baby, of course.’

  Still holding her hand, he stops. ‘Yeah, but not yet. We’ve only just got married—’

  Lisa turns. ‘It’s what we agreed, Nick, cracking on for a baby before we get older. I wouldn’t have gone for a flipping wet January wedding if we’d planned to hang around—’

  The words are out before he can stop them. ‘Other things are going on, Lisa. My parents and Patrick and …’

  But she pulls away and stomps ahead before he can mention money, the house, her shifts and a whole host of other reasons not to rush into something so huge.

  ‘Typical selfish Nick,’ he hears on the breeze. ‘Still just a bloody big baby.’

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  Penny

  Wanting to get straight to the point, Penny takes a deep breath. ‘Thanks for seeing me twice this week.’

  ‘No problem. It was good to meet Will on Tuesday and talk through coping strategies for you both. How are things today?’ Debbie smiles and cocks her head. ‘You look as though you have something on your mind?’

  Penny feels herself flushing. It wasn’t something she could raise in front of Will. ‘Just a question, really. Of course I know the answer, but wondered what you thought.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘I’m feeling fine, really fine. Back at work part-time, keeping busy and getting out and about.’ Debbie gazes, saying nothing. ‘Sounds silly, but I’m putting on weight and you wouldn’t believe the … Well, I’m not as regular as I was, if you know what I mean. And I get sleepy. So I was thinking about easing off the medication. Still carrying on with the CBT of course, but …’

  She has to say it, she just has to say it. The absence from Will is unbearable. If they start intimacy again, it’ll put their relationship back on track. And she doesn’t want to fall behind. Jen has three kids and Lisa confided she and Nick are hoping to start a family this year. Even Dan has a kid. ‘I want to start trying for a family again. The research is divided, but I wouldn’t want to take anything that might harm a pregnancy. What do you think?’

  Debbie sits forward. ‘You’d need to discuss the medication with your doctor, but my guess is he’ll say it’s still very early days to come off it.’ She spreads her hands. ‘You know as much as anyone that the antipsychotic drugs are there to help, to stabilise your moods, reduce the anxiety. A comfort blanket, if you like.’

  Like the bloody nursery rhymes, Penny thinks. They’re still there, but that’s fine; they’re only tunes, not a voice.

  ‘I know that, of course,’ she replies. She takes another breath. ‘But I wonder if they’re really necessary. I’ve never been a danger to myself or anyone else. I had a temporary leave from reality, I admit, but even the psychiatrist thought it was most likely an isolated episode brought on by stress.’

  Debbie looks at her intently. ‘And the stress? Has it gone?’

  Penny thinks of her concerns about Will. Amazingly it helped to cry on Lisa’s shoulder at the races. Thank God Will didn’t notice, but Lisa was right. His strange behaviour was just stress about work. He talked to her last night about his job, a new opportunity and the things he has to think through before applying. So nice to chat and be close again, to get him onside about the future, even though she had to really stretch the white lies about her mum. She gave it a name, a syndrome in fact, so that made him sit up and listen. She knows he’s nearly there, she’s almost convinced him. If they could start again for a baby, life would be perfect.

  She comes back to Debbie’s question. ‘Yes.’ She laughs, feeling the happiest she’s felt for weeks. ‘Well, almost. I’m working on my escape to Timbuktu!’

  Debbie nods and looks thoughtful. ‘Great stuff, I’m really pleased. But it has only been a couple of months, Penny. Do you think now is the right time for a baby? What does Will think about you coming off the meds?’

  That’s an easy answer. It’s what he said last n
ight. Music to her ears! ‘He just wants whatever will make me happy.’

  And besides, she reasons inwardly, what did Debbie say about making choices? Time to decide for herself.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

  Dan

  I’m a father; I have a family, Dan thinks.

  The piquant sweet smell of cooking from next door’s kitchen window brings him back to his waking garden. He’s strolling around it, holding his son in his arms and chatting quietly. He’s shown Teddy the daffodils and the crocuses, the holly and the little robin who has stayed since Christmas Day. Geri is still asleep after feeding him twice in the night. He wishes she’d give Teddy formula milk so he could help rather than just watching, but he knows not to ask. She’s pleased to be feeding him herself; the first twenty-four hours were a very tearful struggle before Teddy latched on. ‘A little breast baby,’ he joked, trying to bring a smile to her face. ‘Now he’s got it sussed, he doesn’t want to let go.’

  It’s the final day of his two-week paternity leave. Maya has given him daily telephone updates, mostly funny stories about Salim and his pitiful attempts to keep the conveyancing clients happy. But at least she’s kept an eye on his files, smoothing things over, buying him time. He would like to stay away from the office and Wilmslow forever, but the need to earn money is more paramount than ever; he has a family to support.

  Looking at his fingers, he notices the blue emulsion embedded in his nails. His heart quickening, he stares for several moments, seeing his dad’s hands. Jed painted his bedroom blue, a special treat when he was ten. A good man, a good father, his only weakness: love.

  He looks up to the open nursery window. He’s been doing the same for when Teddy moves in. He and Geri had painted it a pale apple green, a unisex colour, but Jed made his disapproval known once Teddy was born. ‘Come on, give the lad blue. Blue for a true Blue!’ He looked at Geri and grinned. ‘You’ve got a beautiful boy. Milk it for all its worth. Then next time, when it’s a girl, no one will give you a hard time when everything’s pink.’

  ‘Gender stereotyping, Dad?’ Dan laughed. The word parochial slipped into his head then and it’s still hidden somewhere in his mind even now. He’s tried hard not to think about Seb. His feelings are confused when he does. From speaking to Will he knows Seb is fine, that he was discharged from hospital the day of Teddy’s birth. But that, he tells himself firmly, is the end of the matter. Trust is everything and Seb can’t be trusted, not even as a friend.

  Looking up to the sky, he squints at a neat line of birds on a telegraph wire. Every few moments one appears to bicker with another, flies off for a few moments before slotting back. It isn’t just that Seb was high on something that afternoon, it’s that he managed to harm himself after Dan left, something he shouldn’t have taken, more drugs, an overdose even. It feels like punishment for him leaving, blackmail almost. Dan can’t take on that responsibly any more. He has a son to care for now. And besides, there’s been no contact from Seb at all, no congratulations, not even a sorry.

  Teddy’s eyes droop and his thoughts drift to Jen. After sending a round-robin text to tell everyone the news about Teddy, he’d spent a few moments with his brand new baby in his arms. He’d examined his glowing skin, his button nose, his tiny ears and dark eyes, his ten fingers and ten toes, his miraculously perfect child, wondering how he would feel if he discovered Teddy wasn’t his. Grief and outrage, he’d supposed. But it was difficult to be objective. Together with Nick, Will and Jen were his closest friends; he loved them all very much. And anyway, who was he to judge anyone? He’d unforgivably betrayed Geri. He’d let his heart rule his head. Or was it his genitals? He’d felt so emotionally drained from lurching from one scare with Seb and his overdose, to another with Geri and the need for an emergency section, that he’d never expected, or wanted, to feel sexual desire ever again.

  He and Jen sat huddled in the doctor’s waiting room like lovers, which was pretty ironic, as she said.

  ‘Do you know for sure?’ he asked as they waited.

  ‘No,’ she replied. ‘Not for sure.’ She brought up a recent photograph of Holly on her phone and watched his face. He knows her kids pretty well, but the mugshot brought Holly’s features into sharp focus: a curly-haired child, boyish in looks, the spit of William Taylor when they first met at St Mark’s.

  ‘Does Will know?’ he asked, but Jen shook her head as her name was called out. He’d never seen her face so pale and so taut, gaunt almost, as she walked stiffly towards the doctor’s room. Then when she came out, she fell into his arms and sobbed. Tears of relief, thank God.

  Now the blood results are through, he wonders if Jen wishes she hadn’t confided in him. Watching her and Will talk, noticing small intimate touches or eye contact, he’d suspected their affair over the years, but in all the time he’s known little Holly, he’d never spotted the resemblance. Now that he knows, it is obvious and in plain sight. He’s sure he’ll never breach her trust, but secrets have a way of coming out. Not always verbally, but in some other way. He was on the point of disclosing his own that night, and part of him wants to do it even now. Letting it all out, stopping the whir of his thoughts. Like the confessional, which feels pretty ironic. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Returning to God, like the prodigal son.

  But what would he say? That he stumbled into something with Seb he doesn’t understand? That he had intimate contact with another man; not what Seb had suggested on the eve of Teddy’s birth, but still intimacy that went beyond a game or boyish sexual larks. Pleasurable and intense; an attachment that felt like love. And if he’s honest, the thing Seb suggested, well, he can’t deny that he’s thought about it.

  Teddy stirs in his arms, his tiny face filling with colour. Dan smiles as he heads back indoors. Who would’ve thought it? He’s become a dab hand with nappies and wet wipes, though changing Teddy’s clothes is more problematic with the small press studs. Even worse, the tiny pearl buttons on the cardigans knitted by Geri’s grandma. One in every colour of the rainbow. Or so it seems.

  He lays his son on the changing mat, letting him kick his bare legs in the air for a few minutes. It’s hard to equate this real baby with Geri’s pregnancy bump and yet as he looks at him now, it’s as though he’s known him forever.

  Father and son, an unbreakable love.

  Picking up the outfit Geri has left hanging for today, he grimaces. It’s a miniature sailor suit and he isn’t convinced about it. He knows Will and Nick will be sure to take the piss. The A Team are finally visiting this afternoon to wet Teddy’s head. He didn’t understand what Jen meant about visitors, but she was absolutely right, the last thing he and Geri needed immediately after the birth was having to wait on other people. Waiting on a tiny but demanding baby took all their energy and time.

  ‘To be honest, I feel like a milking machine,’ Geri still says. ‘Not that I don’t love to do it, but it feels as though he wants to be fed every two hours.’

  It was every two hours to begin with, but Dan doesn’t say so in case Teddy goes back to those demands; that first week Geri drooped with fatigue and frustration. All he could do was be there with food and drink and a sympathetic face when she was awake and paint the nursery when she wasn’t.

  Of course, the parents did descend once Geri and Teddy came home, and they’ve been in and out most days since. Dan was worried about his mum getting in the way, making a scene or an unnecessary fuss, but she’s been a revelation, knowing exactly what bits and bobs to buy from the supermarket, making them sandwiches for lunch and polishing the kitchen and the bathroom to produce shines he didn’t know existed. But even better than that, she takes Teddy out in the pram, leaving him and Geri to complain about their son, in the nicest possible way, without him being there and watching them steadily with his dark shining eyes.

  Eyes that seem to look into Dan’s very soul.

  Jen and Ian arrive first, the girls following with solemn faces as they concentrate on not dropping their dishes of buffet food.
They place the platters on the dining table and Dan’s stomach flips as he stares at the delicatessen-type snacks.

  ‘You are bloody wonderful,’ he says, kissing Jen’s cheek. ‘What would we do without you?’

  ‘Not just me. My daughters have helped. They’ve been in the kitchen all morning without one cross word. Must be because they’re more than a little excited to see—’

  Geri appears at the door holding Teddy and the girls dart over, suddenly animated, full of exclamations and warm comments.

  ‘Hello, girls,’ Geri says. ‘So who would like to hold him first?’

  All speaking at once, they follow her into the lounge, lining up on the sofa, their arms held out.

  Ian shakes Dan’s hand. ‘Congratulations,’ he says. ‘He’s gorgeous, but I shall hold you personally responsible if Jen gets broody.’

  ‘Not me,’ Jen laughs. ‘Been there, done it. But I’m more than happy to borrow Teddy whenever you need a break. He’s beautiful, Dan, but that’s hardly surprising with you and Geri as parents.’

  Nick and Lisa arrive, shortly followed by Will and Penny. Little Teddy is passed around and Dan notices the same look on Penny and Lisa’s faces as Geri once had, the look that says, ‘I want one of these now, please.’

  ‘We’ve brought champagne!’ Nick says, offering a bottle carrier. ‘We thought the Moët for such a special occasion. It’s still fairly chilled. Shall I do the honours?’

  The champagne flutes are handed out from a tray carried by Will. He stands in front of the sofa and looks down at Jen’s girls with a grin. ‘Hello, my favourite ladies,’ he says teasingly. ‘You’re all looking very beautiful, might I say? Don’t forget you’re not to marry anyone but me!’