The Knight Behind the Pillar

by John Pateman-Gee

  “What are you talking about?” Arthur interrupted.

  He had circled the clearing and dropped onto his knees before me once again.

  I ignored his menace in his voice and intimidation of his presence and continued. “I had a mentor, he taught me to read and write and when our lessons were over he told me stories of real knights. The ones who were true and just. They would defend to their uttermost the weak and oppressed, they were kind, but fair, courteous and brave. He was lying, but I decided then I wanted to be a knight, that knight, a true knight who was not just a mindless soldier. My father could not understand me, we had many,” I paused for a moment and by this point Arthur was quiet now, but just watched me intently. A different pain, that of memory and remembering my battles with my father and his rage. All words were an understatement to describe it and Arthur had yet to come close to such misery. “Well, arguments let’s say. He finally let me go to here, maybe four years ago now, to learn to be a knight. He told me I would never take over from him and that I was a disappointment like my elder brother and any of my younger brothers would make a better heir. So yes I know a little bit about what you are going through. Cause I had a chance once to be a king you see. I was once announced as Tor, Prince Tor and son to King Pellinore of Northumberland!”

  For a moment Arthur stared at me, his eyes red and glazed, then without warming shot out his hand that had quickly wrapped into a tight ball and before I could move he punched me hard across the face. I let out a yell. It was a good punch and stunned me before the pain hit a split second later. I fell back, my head going first, but one of my hands stopped me hitting the ground while the other reached to check my face was still there. Disorientated and light headed, it was hard to work out if I was in pain due to the hit or it was still from my fall from the horse.

  “Why is everyone lying to me?” Shouted Arthur above me, now enraged and going red as it took over him and then I saw he was about to embark on further punches.

  I had enough wit and had had enough of being pounded by the world today to find strength to move forward first. My sides, which were already numb from my fall, took the additional blows before I could get up and grasp him. We wrestled for a moment, my arms around his waist and head under one of his arms and with enough leverage to push or at least fall with him to the ground. I didn’t want to fight back unless I had to and intended to hold him back to calm him down. The ground was against me yet again and with my own strength gone, he pushed me to the side. Thanks to the slight sloping ground we rolled together until a low old tree stump stopped us from going too far, but far enough to gain a slight momentum, and Arthur was thrown off me and across the clearing with a grunt.

  I staggered to my feet to prepare for another onslaught. Forget calming him down, I did not want to fight on because I was now not convinced that in my state I would survive! Luckily for me Arthur didn’t move and remained on the forest floor.

  Alive, he was breathing hard and stared towards the canopies above and I realised that the fight was over as quickly as it began. His attack was a burst of uncontrolled anger. I think if I was him I would have been feeling the same way.

  “I didn’t lie. I just don’t tell everyone who my father is. I was just trying to be a friend and I get a black eye and lots of other bruises from falling off a horse for my trouble.” I explained between my own recoveries of breath.

  Slowly I ran out of strength to stand any longer and dropped down onto the ground to join Arthur who continued to watch the sunlight dance between the bare branches above and wish it all away.

  “Tor, not short for anything.” Arthur quietly mocked bringing his hands to rest on his chest. They were both unclenched I carefully noted.

  I did not answer straightway and looked at the sky with him. “Honestly?” I observed, “I may not be a prince anymore, I don’t actual know.”

  When Arthur finally spoke again I recognised him to sound a little more of the person I knew, or at least thought I knew in the short time we had met. “I know I’m now a king and it’s just me without anyone else. I have choice of being a king or to run.” Arthur said absently still looking upwards.

  I was uncertainly on how to answer. I waited a moment, we both seemed happy to take this one step at a time. Besides I didn’t want to be hit again. Responsibility dawned, who was I to advice someone on their destiny and what right did I had?

  Then again, I was always in trouble. “You have your father.” I pointed out and tensed immediately to await his reaction.

  I wanted to add and that’s a lot more than me, but the degree of common sense that had managed to avoid being knocked out of me thought better of it.

  “No I don’t, you were there.” retorted Arthur, but not as vigorously as I was expected.

  Again the sounds of the woods became amplified by the following calm as I waited again before trying reason once again. It was like the size of the problem was so large for the mind to conceive that it could not fit it in and had to slowly take its own time. To discover you are a king and then not a son was so large I could understand the need for occasional silence to let another piece of the reality sink in a little more.

  The trees around us formed a barrier to that new world beyond where he was now a king. Maybe it was cold and damp, but it gave the impression of a green and safe haven, if you forgot the wolves, boar or even the odd bear.

  In the end I needed to speak and could only stand the silence for so long as that was my way to cope. “He might not be blood, but he’s still your father and I saw…”

  “He has lied to me for years, they all have I mean,” Arthur interrupted again, his voice raised again on the edge of anger.

  His face appeared above mine suddenly and I instinctively push my head back and into the grass that cushioned its retreat.

  “Huh.” I answered in shock; it disguised the pain from daring to move my head.

  His tear stained red face I would never forget. Scared, furious and a distance sadness featured at the same time, all new ideas for someone up to now I got the impression had never had to contemplate such concepts before.

  “My parents!” He continued accusingly. “Who the hell were they, why did some old man end up giving me away to strangers, why did he have me to give away in the first place?”

  I shrugged as I had nothing of use to say. I had no answers to his glaring questioning face and I had to look away. He let himself collapse to my side again and I was admittedly thankful for not now being the focus of his impressive temper.

  “Want to know why, you have to go back to ask him.” I finally said.

  I did not look to him. I was unsure what his reaction would be to this idea that just suggested itself with little thought on my part. I needed to rest my head for a time as it was feeling a little better provided I never intended to move it or the rest of my body again. So for the moment I was happy with the plan to never move or leave the wood again despite my words. This made no sense, but nor did trying to tame that monster of a horse and losing or then getting in a fight with whom everyone considered to be the future the high king of the land.

  “And get more lies!” exclaimed Arthur sharply, but stopped himself from continuing to express his distress only to add far more calmly and with meaning, “I hate him.”

  I immediately answered him this time. “No you don’t. You hate what you think he did, not him.” I paused for a reaction, not getting one I risked going on, “Your father is on your side, I’m certain of that.”

  My words hung in the air and faded away unanswered.

  Nothing more was said for a while. Maybe at last he was thinking rather than just yelling and drowning himself in rage. To be fair he was dealing with the news of being a prince and future king along with understanding his family were not his! I had to be more patient. This was not something to come to terms with quickly. All trust was gone, all belief in who you were is destroyed and I wondered if it felt like grief when someone you cared for died. My own understanding of
such matters was inadequate as I had never witnessed such personal death yet and there was no one I cared for enough to miss. This was slightly untrue I might admit if pushed, but it had been so long since I left my brothers and mother I had even forgotten the feeling of lost. Harsh? Perhaps or cold hearted, but after leaving home I was on my own and knew I needed to understand this or never get to achieve to be what I wanted to be.

  I heard Arthur stir and guessed he had sat up. I was still very happy to remain lying down.

  “We rode for days,” Arthur began, he sounded composed again and his voice blended in with the quiet and unmoving trees around us rather than against it, “And he said nothing to me, no one did. When I wanted to ask him what was happening, he ignored me or told me to let him be. Who do you think left me in that room?”

  He was still upset and angry at his father, but overwhelmed with it all. Only rage needed energy and he had none left now.

  “What about your brother,” I suggested with optimism and a little braver now, “You said he was there?”

  “He sent Kay home just as we set off for here, I didn’t get a chance to speak to him.” Arthur dismissed, but more to himself in thought he considered, “I guess he’s not that now, not my brother.”

  “That leaves the old man, Merlin perhaps he knows more.” I quickly said distracting him from further sorrow on the thought I had mistakenly lead him to.

  Again there was no immediate answer and I decided to stay quiet and leave Arthur to his thoughts once more. If he was running away from it all, I wondered where would an uncrown king of Briton could best hide in the country he should be ruling. I tried to figure this out in an attempt to avoid concerning myself with where a newly qualified horse thief should also be hiding.

  “Do you think he has, you know, powers?” Arthur asked at last.

  “What?”

  “You know Merlin.”

  “You mean magic or something? What Merlin, nah. He’s an old man who knows things, there’s someone like him in every village. They just know the odd thing and keep it quiet. Magic doesn’t exist, it’s just tricks and stuff hidden from view, but it sounds like he has been successful at it.”

  Arthur was less convinced of the lack of mystery. “He must be good, that sword didn’t come out for anyone else.” He pointed out and I understood where his thoughts were.

  Explanation had however deserted me and I had no answer for this. It was just an unexplained thing. Fooling people was a skill, a trade, just like a blacksmith’s who never reveals his knowledge of metals to others except to pass it down to his son. I could imagine that perhaps Merlin was actually there nearby when Arthur pulled out the sword and he operated some catch to stop it being released or something. There must be hundreds of ways of it happening the way it did.

  “I don’t know,” I concluded, “But Merlin would be the best person to tell you more. You could even order him to now.” I added half joking.

  I regretted the attempt of humour, knowing at once it was too soon for this new king as Arthur enclosed himself in silence, got up and walked across to the other side of the clearing.

  I am not sure how long we were there in the clearing after that. The sun had certainly travelled across most of the sky and the fact my back was numb from pain and damp did not matter. My head was clearer, I was happy not to let other parts of my body to have a turn at killing me so continued stayed still as much as I could.

  “Why did you choose not to be a king?” Arthur asked.

  He had taken position and sat on a low tree branch while at the same time he stripped off the bark off some of smaller out shots. I guessed he wanted to seek a distraction from his own problems, asking about my life was something his mind could manage. On the other hand my life was my problem and I was not completely certain I wanted to share.

  “I wanted to be a knight, I thought I said.” I answered with a little resistance, not wanting a long conversation about it.

  “No, I mean, as a king one day you could have ensured all the knights under you acted the way you wanted them to. You could have ruled your vessels and ordered them to follow any code you wished.”

  It was a good point, but I had considered my decision so many times over the years I knew the answers by heart and yet I decided just this once to let someone else know them as well.

  “That’s assuming my father died or somehow gave up the crown and that could have been years and only then if I was still his desired heir instead of one of my brothers. My older brother disappointed him, or rather dared disagreed with him and as soon as he did my father declared him no longer his intended heir and my brother left. It might have equally been me next, well, certainly it is now. Besides if I‘d stayed, I’m not sure who I would have become. You know, I might not be me, the person I am now.”

  Arthur threw a twig away and started another. “I wish there were other heirs to be considered now instead of me, but then again I have no idea if I have any relatives at all.” He commented. “I know nothing about Uther, or my real mother.”

  Arthur’s eyes glazed over for a moment, but he blinked the thoughts away.

  I had only one suggestion, “Well…”

  “Shut up I know what you are going to say.” Arthur interrupted abruptly and jumped up from the branch.

  He was right I was going to suggest going back, again. I had decided he needed to find out about how and who he was, but I realised I had tried too hard and too soon, and done it again. The decision was now his alone and I could do nothing more but wait.

  “Well, whichever direction we decide to travel do you know where the horses are?” I asked realising that I still had no idea where I was and where the horses were.

  If near they had been very quiet for a long time and finally I decided I had enough strength to move my head to look around.

  “Mine is over there,” said Arthur seeing me look, he moved his head towards a group of trees and a fuzzy gap of light, “Tied up not far, but yours is long gone.”

  I sighed, “So I have stolen a horse and then I lose it.”

  It was yet another thing that had gone wrong and I was fed up then.

  “You said we? You would come with me away from here?” Arthur questioned with a quiet voice.

  “Yes, might as well,” I answered nodding, but then regretting the following sharp pain in my neck, “Ouch! Ah…. besides, I can’t go back without a horse or without a king, err, future king, you know to pardon me for stealing it in the first place.”

  For a second there was a hint of a smile in the face of the man standing before me before the thoughts of his problems quickly absorbed it once more. I was pleased I had gained a little ground with Art, but I was feeling a little cold now and decided to force myself to sit up. It was an effort, but I got there gritting my teeth against the shots of pain. A brief inspection of my clothes revealed more rips and growing need for repair if not replacement. Where my skin had been exposed I could see I was scratched and bruised. Mud covered as well and the dirt could be hiding worst news. At least nothing was broken in my judgement or not that I could feel. Yet I was again thinking if I had not been delayed by the lady in the hallway I would not be in this mess.

  Finally Arthur strolled across to me. Now was the time for a decision as I noticed the daylight was not as strong as it was before for the first time.

  “Did you want a hand up?” Arthur asked, with strength to carry out such a simple task I now envied

  “No I’m alright, just give me time.” I gasped bracing myself for more punishment as I pushed up from the ground and found a tree for support.

  “You’re going to be able to travel?” He asked and there was genuine concerned in his tone.

  “Yes, course, I’ll be fine.” I said, thinking that I was lying convincingly. “I guess it depends on which direction we’re heading and how far.”

  Waiting for an answer was almost as painful as trying to stand still without collapsing. A deadly serious face looked back at me, was he still dec
iding I couldn’t be sure, but forget the country I needed a decision!

  “I want answers, “said a determined voice, “and when I get them then I’ll decide if I want to be king.”

  “Sounds like a good idea.” I commented casually, just happy with any decision.

  “You said it before a king is always right, that’s because no one questions the king. They’re in command and so I can leave at anytime I want.” He firmly stated, convincing himself maybe. “But first I need to find out who I am and if I’m going to run, at least I’ll know who I’m running from.”

  At least we would be then equal in that knowledge I thought, but said “Agreed.”

  Strangely then I felt like something was needed from me at that moment. Then I realised what it might be and began to bow my head. Abruptly the world started spinning and I was falling until I found Arthur’s hand grasping my arm to steady me.

  “What were you doing? Bowing? Don’t bow, eh, you know, that’s, I mean just don’t alright, don’t!” Exclaimed a very self-conscious and extremely flustered Arthur.

  I feared I might have ruined our restored fellowship in one simple foolish action. “Yes, but you’re king, truly an actual king!” I tried to explain quickly with difficulty as no real explanation came to mind.

  The idea that Arthur was a considered by everyone to be a future king had really just dawned on me now, despite everything that had happened over the past few hours.

  “No I am not,” He rejected looking down self-conscious, even embarrassed at the idea. Only then he relaxed a little. “At most I’m a, well…. I guess I’m a prince. And you say you are as well, so we are the same. So why bow, there’s no need?”

  Thinking about it I guess he had a point, “For now,” I agreed, knowing this was not entirely true and my observation still earned a scowl from Arthur. “Look it seemed the right thing to do, if you decide to be king you will be king of everyone and everything. I’ll be your subject and that’s amazing, it’s impossible, the whole thing is the most impossible thing I’ve heard of. I might’ve joked back at Caerleon, but I never thought it would be true, but now it’s real, and it’s you!”