The Knight Behind the Pillar

by John Pateman-Gee

  For now I was at once concerned, embarrassed and angry all at once.

  Kay looked suddenly deeply serious. Stepping over, he placed a solid hand on my shoulder. “It’s no joke.” He said sincerely. “A title, be it informal, gained through the thanks of the people you help save, including my own neck.”

  “You, I didn’t see you out there and I didn’t save anyone, truth was I was lost most of the time. I saw none of you.” I said confused and strangely nervous having to admit everything I did. I was the focus of attention and it would have been uncomfortable to take had I not been so bewildered.

  “No, but you saved a man by surprising his err, opponent for a better word, and in a most unusual way.” Kay said enthused and animated. “I mean, you went and shouted that a giant bear was about to kill him! A bear!”

  “You’d be a lucky man to find a bear on these shores these days.” interceded Ector absently, perhaps not entirely following the point.

  His eldest son rolled his eyes. “Yes father, thank you,” He set aside politely and resumed his account of my actions, “The point is he was distracted, long enough to allow the man to defend himself and save his own life thanks to you. At least that’s what he told me and I give the man tribute for such a story if untrue. His name was Safi, a Saracen I would guess on looking at him and he told me your name as well. In the midst of it all he stopped me from getting killed at least twice and using one of my shields no less. That being the one that he said you gave him!”

  Not looking up I shook my head. “I didn’t save anyone,” I denied strongly and was also trying to depress the urge and need to escape the attention, “Just fought like everyone else, just kept going.”

  Just murdered people! And there was no good from it, how could there be because I knew now knighthood was meaningless, just murdering a glorified title. Was it?

  “Yes I know, others have told me as well.” Kay went on. “They remember you, young, pale face, black hair and skill of note. My squire fighting and asking occasionally where I might be found and when you failed to find me, you helped them survived by fighting with them anyway until our reinforcements came.”

  As positive as Kay was being of his account, his mere mention of the worst day of my life pulled me back to horrors, the noise and smoke and with it I was feeling sick. It was all overwhelming, especially that Kay knew I had fought in the middle of the battle and thought I had saved people, but it was not true. I was just there; there was no good deed there, not in that place.

  “Not Lot’s then? They crossed the river, they attacked?” I asked weakly

  “Ha!” half laughed and coughed Ector, not that I thought I was being amusing. “Where were you? The battle was over before they got a chance and soon they retreated when Bor’s men came over the hill when we send for them. They probably got a good view from over the river to see our men pouring across the hillside.” He explained.

  Looking up I saw Arthur shift a little at the mention of sending for Bor’s, it was the message, the signal he was on about and I finally got it clear in my head. The signal was not anything I thought it was. It was not the smoke from the beginning. It was some signal for Arthur’s own reinforcements, for Bor’s men hidden over the hills to the north to join us and Arthur thought he had got this wrong somehow and was too late. He had drawn Lot into a trap, a surprise attack at first with smoke cover to minimise loss, then intended reinforcements to come and close the trap as Lot came in close to attack those leaving the fort.

  I looked away and they let me think for a second as they continued to chat between themselves.

  “Show you allegiance.” I whispered to myself.

  The haunting voices I had heard, they called to know who to strike down as they came through while I lied in the dirt. Arthur had even thought of that, commanded that we all worn the red arm bands in readiness and that they were bright enough to be seen by a man on horseback. My comprehension of the battle was widened beyond a bearable pain barrier in my head. Yet I understood one thing indisputably, Arthur was the rightful heir and king.

  Kay decided I had enough time to understand and I was pulled back to the present by mention of a single name. “And Pellinore’s army was certainly welcome at the end.” Said Kay looking my way.

  I gritted my teeth at the mention of my father’s name. He could be walking around the fort even now it dawned on me!

  “Except Lot got away!” Said Arthur, thankfully dragging focus away from me again.

  The king continued to express his personal regret; it was maybe a little less of a burden given his expression and a little less guilt covered than before, but it was still there.

  Kay with energy not expected spun around to him. “Art my brother, you are too hard on yourself. You won, enjoy the moment will you. We just need to chase after him to pick him up, that’s all.” Assured Kay and seemingly getting a little annoyed with everyone so fed-up before spinning again back to me to my surprise. “That is after I get a new squire.”

  “What?” I reacted in alarm.

  “Well you proved yourself on the battlefield, worthy of any knighthood.” Kay answered grinning from ear to ear and widening his clearly tired eyes.

  Kay’s words pulled Ector across from his wandering on the other side of the room to urgently intervene. “Son this isn’t the time, can it not wait? And we should leave soon they are all waiting.” He urged.

  “Perhaps father,” Kay answered his father tilting his head. I was faced with his hand raised to me, telling me to hold any thoughts while he dealt with Ector, “Except he did save my life.”

  I feared what he might do next and failed to hear whatever was being said between them only to understand he was arguing reasons to make me a knight to his father while I panicked inside. I came to this room wanting to state I would no longer wish to continuing training as a knight, not become one at once! Instead I looked to Arthur who could only offer an unhelpful shrug of his shoulders. Would he really make me a knight, right now! I had to stop this. I did not want this now. I did not want to be a knight now, but for different reasons than before. It was all different, my part in the slaughter had in the last few minutes had gained worth and meaning I did not understand entirely and I needed to think about it. I needed time for the rawness of it all to die a little and let the blood stains on my skin fade. On the side of good for the right reasons, this was what I said to Arthur and I had to mean it too. I had to find the right reasons for me, be sure and I doubted I was strong enough yet.

  It was not the right time for me to be a knight, not yet, maybe never and yet there was a maybe and no longer a certain no!

  “My lord,” I said softly, quiet enough to force Kay to stop talking to Ector when a louder voice might not have done the same. With a deep breath and caution, knowing Kay as I was beginning to, I knew such a refusal of such an honour would offend him I continued, “I’m honoured but….”

  Kay interrupted and let me go no further, both hands rose up as if to say I yield with expression of drunkenness and one that had been caught helping himself to the drink and he beamed. “I jest, of course, I jest. I am sorry, but you looked so serious, all of you do look so grave I could not help myself.” He laughed and patted me on the shoulder and I was still in astonishment.

  The joke was lost on the rest of room as well. Instead there was awkward silence as he looked to his brother and father for a reaction that failed to come before it dawned on him that there was no humour.

  Ector instead came close to his eldest son. “Kay. What you playing at son, there’s no time for such foolishness.” He half whispered and scowled his son.

  Kay had dropped the humour from his face and did look remorseful. “Yes father, you’re right.” He agreed, but did not look at me again. Plainly he was embarrassed for being corrected by his father in front of me, in front of his squire. Suddenly he gathered himself up again and added, but with a far more orderly and with a cold tone, “Right knighting aside, let’s go plan some more fighting.”<
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  At this he marched out and a thoughtful Ector followed after glancing at me for a moment and nodding to Arthur. I wondered at what such a glance meant, but it could have meant anything.

  This left Arthur and I alone again.

  “Forgive my brother.” Arthur said once Ector was gone, but leaving door behind him wide open now. “It’s his way, it’s how he copes with it, you know. And I wonder if the amount he had to drink last night is helping. He did this after the last time he ki, err fought. Nothing as huge as this though. He hides himself in good humour and laughter and it takes a day or two to pass, at least it did before.”

  I thought I understood. We were all now haunted by our actions and perhaps I should not continue to be selfish to think it was just me, but it was difficult. On the other hand knowing Kay for the little time I did he seemed to switch from serious to jester unpredictably all of the time not just because he was coping with being a killer or a knight. I had to remind myself, force myself to remember as it was easy to forget that he was only a few years older than Arthur and I and he had suddenly become as lost in this new world, Arthur’s new kingdom, just like the rest of us and yet he still had to be the older brother as well.

  I wanted to find out more about when Kay had fought before and why. Maybe find some comfort some comparison to my deeds I might understand, but thought better of it and just nodded. “At least he has a way, I can understand that.” I merely added.

  That said and ended, Arthur then looked over to the open door and appeared to resist a pull to leave the room. He looked fearful and unwilling to leave this safe sanctuary he had found. Outside he had to be king once again.

  He turned to me again, not looking at me directly at first. “Look I wasn’t going to say, almost no one else knows, but.” Began Arthur, but then he paused for a second thought and his blue eyes brightened again, “But after this I plan to begin a new court, a council to rule just like we talked about remember. Merlin suggested we leave to one of Uther’s former strongholds and start again from there. He says it’s not in a good shape, but lots of potential and it just happens to be within some of Alain’s land which is useful.”

  “Alain’s land, do you think that’s wise?” I said downheartedly screwing up my nose.

  “No your right I mean mine now.” Arthur corrected himself. “No one knows that either, but last night Alain decided to give up almost all of his lands to me personally outside the terms of the alliance.”

  “He’s done what!” I exclaimed in sheer and complete surprise.

  I could not believe such a man would give up such income and power, but importantly the status of it all. I stood open mouthed.

  “It’s true. Look I know you don’t’ trust him just by the way you glare at him all the time, but if he hadn’t of pulled all the others together, negotiated the alliance, believed in Merlin and me none of this would have been possible and it wouldn’t of all happened!”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “He’s a self righteous tyrant! He goes against you at every opportunity.”

  “I agree, I know. He’s found it difficult to give up some control,” Arthur considered fleetingly, “And he did raise challenges to my ideas, he questioned me, but that’s what I want. People I can trust telling me if they think I’m wrong. He might be a bit self-important sometimes, but underneath he does care for the people. To that end he has passed on his land, he has no heirs for it and has shown everyone else the first step for a new united kingdom rather than lots of lords fighting between each other.” Arthur justified and in fact he was defending Alain!

  I briefly went back to seeing Alain on the battlefield in my thoughts. He was a man there, fresh from battle and exposed to the lost of another person he might have actually strongly cared about. Not that he would have admitted it in life, Morvid’s life. Just back there he was almost human for a second compared to the man I thought he was. Maybe Arthur knew him better, could see or had seen more under the mask than I. Yet to give up your land was unheard of and to do so willingly was incredible. It just seemed unbelievable even if he was the most generous and unselfish person in the world. To Arthur I could only shrug my indifference as I was just tired of it all again.

  “Something instead of nothing then.” I commented, slightly changing the subject away from Alain and back to Arthur’s next plan.

  “Yes, I can be king of something,” Arthur said understanding me, “Or something like that. And I suppose the new place can’t be much worse than here now.”

  “What, after you have now finished with it and burnt most of it down yourself!” I joked.

  I realised I joked! It felt good as a familiar part of me had somehow surfaced. And as for something instead of nothing, I liked the idea of an alternative to the nothing I felt and I knew at once I needed it, needed that good reason.

  “Maybe,” Arthur smiled. “Guess it’ll be an adventure.”

  I was still a little guarded, guilt still hung on to the little hope I could express. “Sounds good.” I agreed thoughtfully.

  Arthur looked around and stepped up towards the open wall again. “I hope so, hope it’s worth all of this….”

  “Sacrifice.” I suggested quickly.

  “I’ll make sure it’s worth it all.” Arthur said sincerely looking out the gap and across the fort, his eyes blinking in the sunlight. “But I better go now or be missed. I can see them waiting in the courtyard below already.”

  “What do they need you for? You’re only the King after all.” I grinned, but expected no reaction.

  “You coming?” Arthur asked stepping down from the opening.

  “If I have a choice then no.” I said and hoped.

  “You know you are going to have to face him one day.” Said Arthur, proving once again he had a talent for knowing people as he spoke of my father.

  I sighed and dropped my shoulders. “Not today.” I said solemnly and dismissed the idea.

  Arthur just nodded. “Then I’ll find you later, I doubt we have long before we all need to leave.” He said and I thought of Clegis at once and saying goodbye to him.

  He made it to the door when I called after him. “Art. Where is this new stronghold, this new place, is it far?”

  “To the south, near a river called Cam. He called it Camelot.”

  “Never heard of it.” I admitted.

  “Nor me.” He replied with a shake of his head.

  “Then we fight for Camelot.”

  Arthur half smiled and I watched it fade and disappear as he left. I let out a deep breath and returned to a large pile of masonry to sit on.

  I had pursued a dream all my life only to realise it was a dream. The truth of what a knight was now so very different. Not as noble as I thought and certainly not as easy. Did I still want it to be a knight? More than not, but that was just at the moment and the odds kept changing each second. What I knew was I was just worn-out from thinking.

  While Kay had joked about knighthood, perhaps I should consider it was a test and it proved I was not yet ready or prepared. I knew I was not yet worthy, I may have fought, but to account for my comforts of a hayloft, my doubt and especially the missing scabbard I would need to prove myself far more. Prove myself for Arthur’s new court.

  There was a cheer, followed by more chapping and cheering and I stood up to look over the edge and down to the court yard. Arthur was being surrounded by his family, guards, knights and people from the town all eager to greet him. They cerebrated his victory, applauded and accepted their new king of something. That something was not some land or wealth. Humbly he walked slowly through them all and accepted their warmth.

  Minutes passed before I forced myself outside and away from watching the people truly welcome their new king. I intended to seek out Clegis, fulfil my promise and say goodbye, but before I made it there I saw Merlin standing in the shadows at the end of the hallway. Something had changed between us that I did not like to admit and still I did not trust him. Only there was a change. I slowly half
bowed my head and also looked down to the ground as I did so. It was a gesture of thanks of some sort. Looking up again I saw his expression altered to appear more thoughtful, before he turned and walked away without a word. With a smile I rolled my eyes after him and wondered what real plan he had for Arthur and this new dream of Camelot. I took a step and it dawned on me why I wanted to help Arthur. I believed in him and for a moment the confining walls of this old fort or at least those that remained seemed a little less solid.

  The End.