Playschool

by Colin Thompson

  ‘No, my dear,’ said Scarcely. ‘Haven’t seen the little chap down here. Not for a long time. Nice little fellow, he is.’

  ‘Well, if you hear anything, send me an email,’ said Satanella.

  ‘Can’t, I’m afraid,’ said Scarcely. ‘Little Scrubby has eaten the modem and my niece has eloped with the mouse.’

  Back in his room, Winchflat had made his modifications to the tracking device so it now had a tracking device tracking device. While Orkward Warlock would be able to track Narled once he had fitted the first bit to his straps, Winchflat would also be able to track Orkward with a third bit linked to the second bit Orkward would be using to track Narled.26

  He then began his own search for The Toad.

  His search was through cyberspace, through the twenty-seven million chatrooms and five hundred million deadly boring blogs that five hundred million deadly boring people posted every day in the mistaken belief that it would make them any more interesting or somehow help them get a life. The Toad was not in any of these places.

  It might seem weird to think the poor creature could have got trapped somewhere in the internet but Winchflat knew only too well that it could happen. Two year earlier his best friend at Quicklime’s, Eric Ordinaire, had vanished into a chatroom dedicated to very early computers that could add nine and seventeen at the speed of a dead snail going backwards, and Eric had never been seen again.27

  ‘I can safely say,’ Winchflat later reported to Professor Throat, ‘that The Toad is not in the internet.’

  ‘How comforting,’ said the Professor. ‘It’s a great relief to know we can cross that off our list. He probably isn’t in any of the jam jars in the school kitchens, either.’

  ‘Would you like me to go and look, sir, eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight?’ said Howard Tiny.

  ‘I don’t think that will be necessary, Howard,’ said Professor Throat.

  ‘Well, he could be, sir,’ said Howard. ‘I mean, you could get a toad inside a jam jar quite easily, ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety-five.’

  ‘You’re absolutely right, Howard. Off you go to check. And take your time, just in case he’s hiding under a slice of pickled beetroot,’ said the Professor, who, like everyone else, preferred it when Howard Tiny was somewhere else.

  The Toad was not in any of the jam jars. Other places he was not included the peanut butter jars and the pickled onion jars but, just to make sure, Howard took the top off each jar, stuck his fingers in and poked around in case The Toad was trapped under a large strawberry or an onion. Then, starting on the top shelf, he counted every jar, which made him so excited he completely forgot why he was there. So he counted all the jar lids, and finally counted all the letters in all the words on all the labels on all the jars.

  It was three weeks before anyone saw him again.28

  Merlinmary Flood decided to see if The Toad was up any of the chimneys. Quicklime College had three hundred and sixty-five chimneys and Merlinmary knew a lot of them like the back of her hand.29 Some of the chimneys didn’t lead up to the outside, and although they were above fireplaces they were definitely not meant to have fires in them. These chimneys were actually tunnels that led to other tunnels that turned and twisted and joined together through the thick stone walls of Quicklime College, ending up in secret places that were so secret no one knew about them. Some tunnels were dead ends. Some were deliberate traps30 and most of them had not been visited for centuries.

  Even the teachers did not know these chimney tunnels existed. They had never felt any desire to crawl around inside dark airless places full of soot, but Merlinmary had. She had discovered the tunnels completely by accident when she had climbed up one for a dare.

  While her friends stood and watched, she had crawled into the fireplace in the fourth year common room, reached up and vanished into the darkness. An hour later when she hadn’t returned, her friends had begun to get worried, but they had been too scared to tell anyone in case they got into trouble. Seven hours later, Merlinmary came in through the door just as her friends had decided they better report her missing after all.

  ‘You’ll never guess where I’ve been,’ she said.

  She went back into the fireplace, but none of her friends was brave enough to follow her.

  Merlinmary’s tunnel had taken her out of the school, beneath the dark forest – she knew she was beneath the dark forest by the thick roots growing through the tunnel roof, roots that had moved aside to let her pass – and up into the mountains that surrounded the valley. She had been so deep inside the mountains that there was no signal on her mobile and she had been unable to SMS her mother and say she wouldn’t be home for dinner.

  Finally, there had been a beam of light at the end of the tunnel and she had come out into a huge cave full of treasure. She had found Narled’s legendary treasure store.

  Hiding behind a pile of gold coins, she had watched as the suitcase had come into the cave, undone his zip and taken out the odds and ends he had collected that afternoon. Everyone at Quicklime’s talked about Narled’s storehouse and tried to guess where it was. Merlinmary was the only one to have found it, but instead of telling anyone, something told her it would be better kept secret.

  Merlinmary went through all the tunnels and secret places that she had visited before – she knew there were other places still to discover – but The Toad was in none of them.

  Matron and the two nurses woke Orkward Warlock up and gave him some more cough medicine.

  ‘Right, you little beast,’ said Matron, ‘take us to where you last saw The Toad.’

  Orkward shook his head but the medicine was starting to take effect and he coughed up some gravy.

  ‘That’s better. Now, we know you went into the forest,’ said Matron. ‘So just take us to the right place.’

  ‘But I’m not supposed to go in there, remember?’ said Orkward. ‘You said that.’

  ‘It’s a bit late for that. The forest was the last place you saw The Toad. So that is where we are going to start looking,’ said Matron.

  Orkward wanted to keep the place secret, because that was where he was planning to fix the tracking device to Narled, but Matron’s cough mixture had broken stronger and braver boys than Orkward and five minutes later, still dripping gravy from his nose, he was leading Matron and the nurses out of the gates and down the track to the gap in the bushes.

  ‘Stay here,’ she commanded. ‘Nurse Juliet, make sure he doesn’t move. Nurse Romeo, come with me.’

  They followed the path until it ended in the small clearing. It was deserted apart from a gentle snoring noise coming from a pile of soft grass. Matron pushed the grass to one side and there, fast asleep with a peaceful smile on his face, was the little toad.

  ‘Charlie,’ said Matron, because that was The Toad’s real name before he was changed into an amphibian. ‘Time to wake up.’

  She turned to Romeo. ‘Just fly back and make sure the Warlock boy is still there. Then you and Juliet take the little horror back to school and don’t let him know I’ve found Charlie. I have a plan.’

  She picked the sleeping toad up and slipped him into her apron pocket. Back in her private room, she tucked him up in bed, locked the door and told Professor Throat to call off the search.

  Meanwhile, the two nurse crows had flown Orkward back to the Naughty Dungeon and locked him in there. The Naughty Dungeon was a virtual dungeon in the cellars of Quicklime’s that no one had ever managed to escape from, because it was down a very, very long tunnel that led deep into the Earth.31 It was haunted by horrograms, which are like holograms only very, very frightening. The nicest place in the Naughty Dungeon was inside the toilet bowl with the lid down.

  The only thing Orkward Warlock had been better at than any other child in Quicklime’s was being locked up in the Naughty Dungeon. He had been there seventeen times and was almost beginning to like it. He loved watching horror movies, and horrograms were like the best horror movies, except they leapt out and slapped you
in the face when you were least expecting it. He watched them as he crouched in the toilet bowl with the lid resting on his head, but the horrograms still got him.

  ‘That evil boy is up to something,’ said Matron. ‘We need a mole to find out what.’

  ‘Well, we don’t have a mole,’ said Professor Throat. ‘We only have a toad.’

  ‘Well, what about if we got a mole and disguised it as a toad?’

  ‘Hmm. Go on …’

  ‘I think you’ll agree that little Charlie has been a toad long enough, so I suggest we change him back into a little boy and hide him somewhere for the rest of the term,’ said Matron. ‘Then we disguise someone else as The Toad so he can find out what Orkward is up to.’

  ‘Excellent idea,’ said Professor Throat. ‘Do you have someone in mind?’

  ‘I do.’

  When The Toad was safely hidden away, Matron sent Orkward back to his room, where the pretend toad was waiting for him. Orkward Warlock never looked closely at anyone except himself, and the mole that Matron had disguised as The Toad fooled him completely.

  ‘Where did you get to?’ he asked.

  ‘I just fell asleep in the dark forest,’ said The Faketoad.

  ‘What about Matron’s Enchanted Wax?’

  ‘I left it outside the sick bay door. Nothing to worry about. No one saw me.’

  ‘Excellent,’ said Orkward. ‘Maybe you’re not such a little cretin as I though you were.’

  The Faketoad beamed with happiness just like the real Toad would have done.

  ‘And look,’ Orkward continued. ‘I even conned that idiot Winchflat into lending me his tracking device. We’ll go back to the forest and fix it onto Narled. By the end of term we’ll be incredibly rich and all the Floods will be dead.’

  ‘You’re a genius,’ said The Faketoad.

  ‘It’ll end in tears,’ said The Mirror, who could tell instantly that The Faketoad was not the real Toad, but hadn’t the slightest intention of telling Orkward.

  The Mirror had seen Orkward in tears more than anyone else had. The whole school knew Orkward Warlock was a sneaky little coward, but only The Mirror knew just how big a baby he was. The boy was even scared of his own shadow.32

  As soon as it was dark, Orkward and The Faketoad crept out of school and back to the path into the dark forest. The Faketoad was worried that Narled might be able to see that he wasn’t the real Toad and give him away, but he was counting on the fact that Narled and his family liked the real Toad and hated Orkward.

  Orkward collected his hidden jar of Enchanted Wax, went into the clearing and waited. Soon Narled appeared. He was alone and, as Orkward polished his leathery suitcase skin with his left hand, he fixed the tracking device to Narled’s straps with his right.

  ‘Now,’ said Orkward, ‘here is the package I want you to take to the Floods on Saturday. They’ll win the three-legged race. They always do, the cheating warthog bottom bristles. When they’re getting their gold medals for the three-legged race, leave the package under the winner’s stand. You don’t actually have to give it to them. Understood?’

  Narled zipped the package away and nodded slightly.

  As Orkward left the clearing, he deliberately by accident dropped a large gold coin on the path and, sure enough, Narled trundled over and picked it up before vanishing back into the dark forest.

  Back in his room, Orkward Warlock turned on the tracking device base station and looked at the screen. There it was, the little blue dot that told him exactly where Narled was. The blue dot came back out of the dark forest and moved further up the valley along the road that passed the school.

  ‘Come on, let’s go!’ Orkward said to The Faketoad. ‘He’s on his way to the treasure store, I know he is!’

  They waited until they saw Narled pass by the school and then followed him at a safe distance so he wouldn’t sense they were there. Eventually the blue light stopped moving and, as they rounded a corner, they saw Narled standing completely still in the middle of the track. Suddenly he darted between two rocks – but Orkward saw him and followed.

  ‘I’ve been up this road dozens of times,’ he whispered to The Faketoad. ‘I wonder why I’ve never seen this path before.’

  The rocks slid together behind them, cutting off their escape.

  ‘That’s why,’ said The Faketoad. ‘Now we’re trapped.’

  ‘We’ll worry about that later,’ said Orkward. ‘Come on.’

  The path went back into the dark forest, getting narrower and steeper until Orkward was almost mountain climbing. The rocks were far too steep for The Faketoad’s little legs. Maybe if he had been the real toad he could’ve hopped up, but The Faketoad was scared he might fall backwards.

  ‘I think I’ll just wait here,’ he said, but Orkward was too far ahead to hear and besides, he had no intention of sharing the treasure with The Toad.

  I wonder how Narled got up there, The Faketoad thought to himself.

  Orkward came out above the trees and continued to climb. There was no sign of Narled, but he knew he was on the right track. Higher and higher he climbed until at last he reached a wide ledge at the foot of a sheer cliff. Far below him he could see the thick green blanket of the dark forest, and right in its centre was Quicklime College. Behind him was a cave, not just any cave, but Narled’s secret treasure cave.

  Orkward squeezed through the narrow opening and almost fainted. The cave was massive and, although the entrance was no bigger than half a doorway, the whole place was filled with light. It danced and sparkled in a million reflections as it revealed shelf after shelf of priceless gold and diamonds, and there was more – much, much more. Wherever Orkward Warlock looked there was treasure, enough to make him the richest person in the world, richer than Aubergine Wealth, and no one knew it was there.

  No one except The Toad and Narled.

  So they would both have to die.

  Orkward scrambled down the path to where he had last seen The Toad, but he was no longer there. He ran back to the two rocks by the road, climbed over them and raced back to the school.

  ‘Seen The Toad anywhere?’ he said as casually as he could to anyone he passed, but no one had.

  Of course, the real Toad was not The Toad any more. He was now back as himself, a small boy called Charlie, and he was safely hidden away in Matron’s own apartment, eating cake and wondering how much lemonade he would have to drink before he finally got the taste of flies out of his mouth.

  The Faketoad was not a fake toad any more either. The Faketoad was Satanella Flood once more, and was sitting in Professor Throat’s office reporting everything that had happened.

  ‘It was brilliant,’ she said, running round in circles chasing her tail. ‘The stupid boy never saw through my disguise for a moment, though I nearly gave myself away when I tried to sniff an interesting lamppost and fell over.’

  ‘You’ve done very well, my dear,’ said the Professor. ‘Here, have a gold star.’

  ‘He’s going to try to kill us all,’ she growled, finally catching her tail and biting it. ‘Oww,’ she added. ‘That makes your eyes water.’

  ‘Don’t worry, my dear,’ said Professor Throat. ‘Narled has everything under control.’

  As it began to get dark, Orkward gave up his search for The Toad. He took a backpack of food and a sleeping bag and hurried back up the mountain to the cave. He felt nervous being away from all that treasure, and from the ledge he could see right down into the sports field. He would stay there until the Floods were dead the next day, and then take the treasure and leave the wretched valley forever. He knew Professor Throat’s spell stopped him leaving, but he figured with a big bag of gold, he’d be able to bribe one of the dragons to smuggle him out. Even if Narled or The Toad did give him away, he would be far away.

  He was just about to zip up the sleeping bag to go to sleep, when he realised that there was a better use for it. He spent the rest of the night feverishly gathering up the most valuable items from the cave into the bag
, until it was bulging at the seams.

  Sports Day

  The school car park – which wasn’t actually a car park because there were no cars parked there – was packed. Every single Blackhound dragon bus on the planet was there. Even ancient dragons had been brought out of retirement to bring all the parents, brothers and sisters and grannies to Quicklime College for sports day. Alzhammer, the oldest dragon of all, had been fitted with a pacemaker and bottled gas, and even then he’d had to set out two months earlier than anyone else to get there on time.

  The stadium was packed too. Mordonna and Nerlin Flood sat in the stands beaming with pride. Betty Flood sat between them, thinking that maybe life would be more fun at Quicklime College than it was at Sunnyview Primary School. It was something she would have to discuss with her parents.

  Mordonna’s mother, Queen Scratchrot, had been dug up from the back garden for her annual treat. Since the previous year most of her remaining eye had rotted away, but she didn’t mind. Leaving her coffin and going out for the day was excitement enough. As the day wore on, the Queen would begin to dissolve into a puddle beneath her seat and have to be put into a glass jar, where she kept tapping on the lid and shouting because she couldn’t hear what was going on, though this was probably more due to the fact that her ears had fallen off than because she was inside a jam jar.

  The opening ceremony was, as always, spectacular. The children marched round the field singing the school song which, unlike the anthem, is sung at full volume.33 When they reached the first chorus, seven hundred white doves were released into the air. Fabulous black clouds gathered over the school. Thunder roared and seven hundred bolts of lightning in perfect synchronisation fried the doves to a crisp. The delicious smell of roast pigeon that filled the air made everyone really hungry and the school cafeteria sold thousands of dollars worth of hot chips, Deadwood Dogs, and the deep-fried mini-gristles that are the droppings of the ballworm.