Hold Me

by Baker, LJ

  "Whatcha doing, love?" Dan came up from behind me and peered over my shoulder.

  I shrugged and continued carving the last letters of my name. "Making my mark."

  Dan raised an eyebrow and sat down next to me. He looked like he was about to say something, maybe tell me not to worry or that we weren't all going to die, but instead, he pulled out a screwdriver from his newly collected hoard, and started carving his name in next to mine.

  Andi Sheppard and Dan MacNamara. Our names immortalized forever in a useless wooden table.

  I looked over the words and pressed my finger to the indentations in the wood. It wasn't much, but it was something. If the world ever went back to something resembling normal, it was something to let them know we were there. I wanted to do something important. Something that would be remembered.

  But what?

  "Do you ever think that there is no point to all of this?" I tilted my head up and looked at Dan. He narrowed his eyes and glanced over me like I was a little nuts. "Like… everything we go through… then we die and it's like we were never even here. We don't matter."

  "Of course we matter. Just as much as we ever did. You think that because there are zombies that everything that was important before, just isn't anymore?" He turned to face me and trapped my legs between his knees.

  "Yeah, don't you?"

  "No, I do not. If we were ever anything more than insignificant blips in time, then we are much more important now, than we ever were. What we do in this life matters, Andi. The people we help, the differences we make, just the fact that we survive at all, is important. You are important. You will be remembered and missed and thought about after you're gone. The same way you would have been if that virus never took over and the world was exactly how it was two years ago."

  Dan took my hands into his and looked for a long moment into my eyes. "What did you want for your life before the outbreak?"

  It was a valid question. I didn't have a real answer, but it was valid.

  "I don't really know, I guess. To go to college, find a career, get married, have children. The usual stuff."

  "Okay, so you might not get to go to a traditional college and have that whole dorm experience, but tell me why you can't do every one of those things now?"

  "Don't be insane. I can't…"

  Can't what? Go to college. But, I'd learned more in the two years since the outbreak than I ever would have at college. Find a career? I'd almost joined the military and after my stint at the infirmary, I knew I had options. Get married… well not legally, but that didn't even matter since there was no real government and law anymore.

  "Well…?"

  "I don't know. I mean, I guess that makes sense. It's just that… I don't even know."

  Dan smiled and lifted my chin up to look at him. "Sweetheart, you can do anything you want to do. As much as things are different, they're the same. It's whatever we make of it. We are the pioneers of this new world. Like Ben Franklin and shit."

  We both laughed at his ridiculousness, but he was right. I was focusing on all the wrong things. If I wanted to leave a mark, there was so much more I could do besides carve my name into a forgotten workbench in a ransacked hardware store. I could find a way to really leave a mark.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  When the rain slowed down, we finally got back on the road and headed toward home. We hadn't walked more than six or eight miles, but I was exhausted anyway. I would be glad to get back and spend some time with Will. Not that I regretted going out with Dan. I actually felt a lot better about things after talking with him than I had earlier in the day.

  We passed a few flesh eaters along the way and Dan took care of them without even a word. I was perfectly fine with helping out, but I got the feeling that he didn't want to take a chance by letting me anywhere near them. Will getting infected just changed things. Before, we didn't think twice about walking right up and sinking a knife into their rotting skulls. Since that day though, even the slow ones seemed much more dangerous.

  I shifted my pack on my shoulder where the syringe from Derek was hidden inside an old t-shirt. The guys knew I had it, but I never mentioned Derek's instructions for it to be only for me. If Dan got infected, I'd use it on him in a heartbeat.

  A couple zombies hobbled in our direction. They were handcuffed together and growled in unison, almost like an undead harmony. The flesh was gone around the cuffs, revealing bone and ripped open muscle. It wouldn't be long before the bones broke and they were freed from each other. It was hard not to wonder how they'd gotten tethered to begin with, or if it had led to their current predicament.

  "Stay back. I got this." Dan looked back at me and pulled an arrow from its quiver.

  "Don't be ridiculous. There's two, I can help." I raised my bow and fired a shot before he could even argue. It was a perfect shot and he huffed, then followed suit, taking out the second.

  "I could have gotten them both."

  "So could I. We're ten feet away. What do you think is gonna happen?"

  Dan took a sharp breath and let it out slow. "I'm sorry, I just don't want anything to happen to you."

  I bumped against him and laughed. "Lighten up, dude. I'm invincible. Almost like a superhero, actually."

  "If only that were true."

  We continued in silence for the next few miles until the sky darkened further and threatened to open up above us.

  Soft drops of rain came down in a steady stream and soaked through the tops of my sneakers. We found a couple of old rain ponchos in the hardware store, so at least our clothes stayed dry. My shoes however, were a different story. I sloshed down into a puddle and wiggled my toes in the water. It was chilly, but the feeling brought me back to childhood.

  "What are you smiling about?" Dan eyed me curiously.

  I laughed and kicked up my foot to show him my drenched Converse. Water poured out from the hole that was forming in the top of one shoe. "I like the rain." I jumped into the puddle and splashed muddy rain water onto his legs.

  Dan laughed and kicked some water back, spraying the front of my yellow poncho with brown droplets. "I can see that." He took my hands and twirled me around in a circle through the water.

  We both laughed like it was the most amazing thing in the world, just being two idiots playing in the rain. It was the first time I had truly laughed, like nothing else in the world mattered, in longer than I could remember. It was ridiculous, and immature, and probably not the safest thing to be doing out in the open. Especially while laughing hysterically and wearing bright yellow ponchos, but it was fun. We weren't worried about flesh eaters, or being attacked, or dying from anything other than laughing so hard we couldn't breathe.

  The rain slowed to a mist and we regained our composure, though the mood remained considerably lighter.

  "You know, we really should find you some decent shoes while we are out here."

  I looked down at my beloved Converse and pouted. "But I love these."

  "What part do you love more… the wet feet or the blisters?"

  I poked my tongue out at him and huffed. "Both."

  "Honestly, I had every intention of tossing them in the trash after you sprained your ankle, but with everything that happened, I forgot."

  "It's not like there is a conveniently located, unlooted Shoe World just waiting for us to go pick out a new pair. What exactly do you want me to do?"

  "So, you're telling me that over a month at that military base, and no one could scrounge you up a pair of boots?"

  I rolled my eyes and stopped to retie my shoe that came loose and had begun slipping up and down when I walked. "Okay, fine. Maybe at the base there were boots, but that does me no good now. So when you find me a size seven pair, let me know."

  Dan looked around and scanned the houses on either side of the road. There weren't a lot of them in this neighborhood, but the ones that were there, were over-sized mini-mansions that surely had been picked over. "I bet one of these places has something that will f
it you."

  "You've got to be kidding?"

  "Nope." He grabbed my arm and dragged me in the direction of a brick-faced monstrosity with no door or intact windows. "I'm feeling good about this one."

  I seriously doubted there was anything decent left in the place with the state of it. Clearly, it had been picked over by more than a few people. Every house in that neighborhood probably was hit in the early days of the outbreak. If you're going to loot, you might as well try the rich houses first.

  Inside was even worse than I expected. The place was trashed. Furniture was smashed, walls spray painted, garbage everywhere. It was a mess. Why people had to destroy things just for the sake of destroying them was beyond my understanding.

  "You seriously think we are going to find anything usable in this place? Look around. This place is finished."

  Dan just smiled and pulled me up the stairs and into the first room we came to. It wasn't much to look at, probably a guest bedroom, with a huge mahogany four-poster bed. The mattress was sliced open and dragged half off the frame and the support underneath was broken. Bones and fur sat on a window seat from what was likely long ago the family dog and glass fanned out around the windows making it clear they had been broken from the outside.

  I was sure Dan lost his mind at that point, because he was smiling as he looked around the room.

  "Nope, not the one." He pulled me back into the hall and to the next room.

  It was definitely a teenage boy's room. There were posters of half-naked girls partially torn from the walls, remnants of plaid curtains hung in strips from the rod that remained intact, and old discarded cans of Axe spray and beer cars sat in the far corner.

  Dan moved some of the junk around and looked under broken planks of wood from the dresser drawers. There were some clothes, but nothing that would fit us.

  "You don't seriously think we are going to find me shoes in here, do you?"

  He pulled one drawer that was mostly still together, out from under the mattress. It had a stack of dirt bike magazines and more condoms than any teenage boy probably needed. A small smile pulled up the corner of Dan's mouth and he shoved them into his pocket. "Never know when these might come in handy."

  "Seriously?" I rolled my eyes at him as I imagined more girls like Crissy throwing plates at his head for his propensity toward one-night stands.

  "You might want the family and the white picket fence, love, but I'm not interested in any little rug rats running around."

  I tried to imagine Dan with children and despite what he might say, I thought he would make a great dad.

  He shuffled through the mountain of junk and came across an old gym bag hiding underneath some bunched up newspapers. "Ah ha!" He pulled the bag out and unzipped it to rifle around in whatever was inside.

  "A boy's gym bag. For real? There is no way in hell there is going to be—"

  He held up an expensive looking pair of work boots that looked like they hadn't seen even five minutes of work. "What was that you were saying?"

  "What the hell?" I grabbed the boots and peeked inside. They were a size too big, but when there were few options, that was as good as perfect. "How could you possibly know?"

  "I didn't. If I had, I'd have taken the condoms already." He chuckled and tossed the bag onto the floor. "How bout we check out the rest? Could be more treasure to find."

  I nodded and followed him out of the room. There was a nursery, master bedroom and bathroom, each one in equally bad shape. We looked through the mess but didn't find anything useful other than a couple books I'd never read and an old coffee can filled with sugar packets.

  With our new finds stuffed into my bag, I was ready to get on with getting back home and stop wasting time. Dan however, seemed to be enjoying himself rooting around in the mess.

  "We found boots, now can we leave already?" I stood with my hand on my hip and watched Dan try to pry open a door that was hidden behind some bookshelves that were pushed into the hallway.

  "What's your big hurry today? We've been gone half a day." The door flew open and he stumbled back. "Let's check out the attic, then we can go. Okay?" He waited for me to nod, then went up the stairs, two at a time.

  The attic looked to be untouched by the ravages of the apocalypse, nothing like the rest of the house. For whatever reason, it had been spared. Old furniture, covered in white sheets, littered the dark room. If we needed to furnish an entire house in old Victorian style, then we had hit the jackpot.

  Dan walked through the dressers, stacks of old newspapers, and enough storage containers to clear out a hoarder's house, as if he were an eight year old walking through an amusement park. "This is amazing."

  I raised an eyebrow and looked around the dusty space. "Is it?" It just looked like a bunch of old junk to me.

  "It most definitely is, love. Who knows what we could find in here? Check some of those containers over there." He motioned in the direction of a stack of boxes taller than me.

  "You're serious? I can't even reach the top."

  He shook his head, then walked over to unstack the containers so that I could reach them. I sat down on an old rocking chair that rocked back entirely too far. Dan went to work on another stack of boxes while I opened the one closest to me.

  Inside the first box was a wedding dress that smelled of must and old age. Small pearls adorned the silky fabric and a few fell off as I pulled it from the box. It was completely out of fashion, but absolutely stunning. It was the kind of thing I would have been able to see myself wearing to my own wedding when I imagined it as a little girl.

  "That would look amazing on you." Dan smiled and looked over the dress.

  I stuffed the dress back into the box in a huff and pushed it aside. "Don't be ridiculous."

  The next box was full of fancy evening gowns, so I kicked that aside too.

  This is a waste of time.

  "Ah look, see?" Dan held up an armful of sweatshirts. "Jackpot."

  "Mmhmm." I nodded and only sort of looked in his direction.

  Dan narrowed his eyes, then went back to searching.

  I pulled another stack of containers over and pulled the lid off one. A couple plastic-enrobed packages marked "Christening gown", sat atop a couple baby books and other infant mementos. I slammed the lid down and slumped back on the rocking chair. The thing leaned back even further than I expected and I tumbled backwards onto the floor with a thump.

  Dan stopped what he was doing and looked at me with a blank expression for a moment, before he broke out laughing.

  I pressed my lips together and glared at him. "Glad you find this amusing."

  He walked over and extended a hand to help me up. "What's going on with you, love?"

  I snubbed his offer, and struggled to my feet, nearly falling over again. "What are you talking about?"

  He straightened the rocking chair and fixed the boxes I knocked over. "You've been crabby since we got up here. What's the deal?"

  I glanced around the room and sighed. He was right. Something about the place, just… annoyed me. I shrugged and shook my head. "I'm sorry. Can we just go?"

  He looked over me then opened his mouth to speak, but changed his mind and nodded. "Sure. We can go."

  Dan closed the attic door tightly and pulled the bookcase back in front of it. I got the idea that he might visit the place again, but I wanted no part of it.

  ***

  By the time we got back to the basement, the rain stopped and it was nearly dark. Shorter days and cooler weather made the impending winter front and center in our minds. It would be difficult to spend the winter in the basement. If we could gather enough supplies to stay down there, it might work okay. But if we needed to come up, it would have to be when there wasn't snow on the ground, or else we'd lead anyone who saw our tracks right back with us.

  Food was always harder to come by in the winter. Animals hibernated, or hid, and vegetation was all but gone completely. We had built up a decent cache of dried and canned meat sin
ce Dan found Mom's old canning equipment and dehydrator, so we wouldn't starve, but it wasn't enough.

  Dan brought back a sack of stuff he found on our supply run and dropped it on the couch to sort. I went to find Will, who was in the bedroom taking a nap. When he saw me come in, he sat up and flashed me his signature crooked smile.

  "Hey you." His coloring was starting to return and although he still got tired easily, he was doing better each day.

  "Hey." I kicked off my wet sneakers, peeled my drenched hoodie off and tossed it onto the chair. "How ya feeling?"

  "Not too bad. You have any trouble out there?"

  "Nah. The rain was too much for Dan, so we waited it out a bit, but other than that, everything was good."

  He patted the bed for me to join him. "C'mere."

  "I should get out of these wet clothes first."

  "Come over here and I'll help." One corner of his mouth curved up and he pulled the blanket down to swing his legs over the side of the bed.

  "I think I can manage." I pulled some dry clothes from the closet and turned to head toward the bathroom.

  "You're no fun," Will called after me.

  It wasn't that I didn't want to go to him, to replace my cold, wet clothes with his warm body, but my mind was racing with thoughts. There was so much to think about after the day and I wanted to know what my own feelings were before I tried to talk to Will about them. And it probably wouldn't hurt to get a few of those condoms from Dan. Starting a family might be a possibility for my future, but I wasn't ready to start just then.

  As soon as I was in dry clothes I returned to the bedroom to talk with Will. I hadn't been spending enough time with him and I knew he was starting to worry something was wrong. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at his feet. He lifted his head to look in my direction when I walked in the room.

  "All clean and dry?"

  "Yup." I sat down on the chair facing him.

  "There something you wanna talk about?" He reached out and pulled a couple of my fingers into his hand.

  "How are you feeling?"