Chances Are Omnibus (Gender Swap Fiction)

by P. T. Dilloway

The front door to the shop is open. I don’t see her inside. “Grace? It’s Stacey. Are you here?”

  She appears from the back room, a load of mismatched clothes still in her arms. Her face brightens with a smile. She dumps the clothes on the floor. “Oh my God, there you are! I thought you got shot?”

  “I’m feeling a lot better,” I say.

  She tries to hug me, but I put out a hand to stop her. “What’s wrong? If it’s about what you said before, don’t worry about it. You were probably just hopped up on painkillers.”

  “That’s not it,” I say. “How could you kick Maddy out?”

  “I didn’t kick her out. We’re just taking a little break. So we can get our heads right.”

  “Don’t bullshit me. You’re breaking up with her. Because of me.”

  “Not just because of you.” Grace sighs and then continues, “I’m only twenty-seven—”

  “Twenty-nine.”

  “Fine, twenty-nine. The point is I’m not an old woman yet. I don’t want to get married. Maybe Maddy and I aren’t trying on wedding dresses yet, but we’re like an old married couple. There’s no secrets between us anymore.”

  “Until I came along.”

  “Well, yeah, until you came along.” Grace tries to put an arm around me, but I push it away. “It’s not your fault, Stace. It was going to happen eventually. You just gave us a push.”

  “No, that’s not true. Maddy loves you.”

  “She does, but it’s like I said, Maddy is still a little kid. Like any kid, she wants something safe and secure.”

  “And you’re too sophisticated for that?”

  “It’s not like that.” Grace sighs. “When Maddy and I met, I was a scared little kid too. Mom had just died and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do and along came Maddy. She was so effervescent, you know?”

  “No, I don’t know.”

  “She was so full of life. She was young and sweet and inexperienced.”

  “She still is,” I snap.

  “Well, the first two,” Grace says and the father in me wants to punch her. “The point is, we each had something the other wanted. She wanted someone to take care of her and I needed someone to take care of.”

  “And now she doesn’t?”

  “Not as much, but I don’t want to take care of her anymore.”

  “You’d rather take care of me.”

  “Is that what you want?”

  “Don’t start talking like a shrink now.”

  “I’m not.” She tries to touch me again and again I bat her hand away. “Look, Stace, you’re a lot like Maddy was in some ways, but in other ways you’re not. I mean, Maddy would never have emptied out the register and gone off on her own.”

  “You’re probably right about that. Maddy isn’t that stupid,” I say and tap my leg for emphasis.

  “Maybe, but the point is, you don’t need me like she does. You’re a lot stronger than she is. I mean, you got shot a couple days ago and you’re walking around. Maddy would still be in bed whimpering.”

  The father in me finally snaps. I grab Grace by the throat and shove her back against the wall, out of sight of anyone who might pass by. She tries to say something, but I choke the words from her the way Bruiser Malloy did to me in the warehouse. I growl, “Don’t you ever talk about Maddy like that again or I’ll snap your fucking neck. She’s a good girl. She’s got a good heart.” The kind of heart that can forgive even a shitty father like me, I add to myself. “For whatever reason that heart loves you. So you’re going to cut this bullshit and you’re going to make things up to her. Got it?”

  Grace nods slightly. Her face starts to turn purple around the edges. I let her go and she sags to the floor. She lies there for a couple of minutes. When she’s recovered a little, she looks up at me and says, “You psycho! What’s the matter with you?”

  I bend down so I can look her in the eye. There’s still a part of me that loves Grace, but the much larger part of me loves Maddy far more. “Maddy is staying with me at Jake and Tess Madigan’s tonight. I want you to show up there about eleven-thirty. Then you’re going to apologize to Maddy. You’re going to say you were wrong and that you want her back. You can’t live without her.”

  “You can’t make us stay together forever.”

  “No, just until she wises up and realizes what a shit you are.” Out of spite I kick her in the ribs. She grunts and gasps for air again. “Consider that my resignation.”

  I’m tempted to light the store on fire on my way out, but I can’t. That would probably burn down the apartment too and then Maddy wouldn’t have anywhere to go back to. Maybe it’s stupid to get Maddy back together with someone who doesn’t really love her, but it’s all I can think to do right now.

  Maddy waits for me outside the Kozee Koffee. “How did it go?” she asks.

  “I think we got everything out in the open,” I say. I put a hand on her shoulder. “Come on, let’s do a little shopping. It’ll make us feel better.”

  I signal for a cab and soon we’re on our way out of the garment district.

  ***

  We end up on the south side, in a department store. Maddy stops us at the perfume counter to try on a few fragrances. With each one she holds her wrist out to me so I can sniff it. “What do you think?” she asks.

  “It’s nice,” I say with each one. They all seem about the same to me; maybe my nose hasn’t acclimated to being a woman yet.

  We stop at the jewelry counter next. Maddy tries on a slim gold watch. “Isn’t this nice?” she asks.

  “It is,” I say, though it clashes with the black Ramones T-shirt, ripped blue jeans, and combat boots she wears.

  Then she points out a pair of diamond studs. “I wish I could get something like that.”

  “To put in your nose?”

  She laughs until she realizes it wasn’t a joke. “No, silly. In my ears.” It seems to me she has enough earrings already, but I don’t say anything.

  I start to see the pattern once she starts to pick out clothes. They’re all plain and sensible: button-down blouses, floral print skirts, and drab slacks, the kind of stuff Tess would wear. She finds a salmon-colored suit and insists on trying it on. When she comes out of the changing room, my jaw nearly drops to the floor. For the first time I see my little girl as a grown woman, so long as I ignore the haircut and piercings.

  “You like it?” she asks.

  “It’s really…different,” I stammer.

  She touches her shorn hair. “I know, it looks kind of weird with my hair and stuff. But from the neck down, don’t I look like a real power broker? Like a lawyer or CEO or something?”

  “Yeah, you do.”

  I wait for her to laugh and say that this is all a joke. Instead she turns to the mirror and adjusts the knee-length skirt. “I was thinking about going back to school. I mean, I can’t work at the Krappy Koffee forever, can I?”

  “No, I guess not.” I start to feel the same jealousy I’ve felt around Dr. Palmer. Here my daughter looks so grown up and I’m still dressed like a kid. Makes me wish I’d worn one of my expensive outfits. “What are you going to major in?”

  “Well, at Daddy’s funeral I got thinking about how proud everyone was of him for being a cop, all his commendations and stuff.”

  “You want to be a cop?” I ask. A cold lump forms in my stomach as I try to imagine my daughter going up against the likes of Artie Luther.

  “No!” she says in a way that makes me relieved, though a little sad she’s so adamant not to follow in my footsteps. “But I was thinking I should go into something where I can help people too. I thought maybe journalism.”

  “You want to be a reporter?”

  “I think so. Not one of those dumb anchorwomen either, a real investigative reporter.” She turns to me again. “You can’t see it, can you? Me as Lois Lane?”

  “It’s not that. I didn’t know you liked that sort of thing.”

  “I know, you think I’m just some scatterbrained baris
ta who writes bad poetry.”

  “No—”

  “It’s all right. That’s what I have been since I dropped out of school. But in high school I used to write for the paper. I did a whole exposé on teachers fixing grades for the football team. Didn’t make me very popular around school, but I felt really good about it. Like I was doing something. You know, making the world a better place.” She looks down sadly at her boots. “I don’t know what happened. I guess I stopped caring.”

  I put a hand on her shoulder. “I think you’ll be a great reporter. I’ll buy out every newsstand in the city when you get on the front page.”

  “Thanks, but then no one else would be able to read it.” We laugh at this. Then Maddy turns back to the mirror. “I guess I’d better go take it off before some salesgirl starts hassling me. Do you think they have a layaway?”

  “I don’t think so.” I wish I could buy it for her, but my spending spree at Amos’s shop has used up most of the money I took from Blades. “It’ll probably be on sale in a couple months. Black Friday, you know?”

  “Yeah. Maybe I should try to hide it until then.” Maddy doesn’t go that far, but as we leave, I see her look back at the suit.

  We walk through the rest of the store without trying anything on. As we pass an aisle full of pink Barbie doll boxes, Maddy asks, “What do you want to do? You can’t work at Grace’s forever, can you?”

  “Actually I quit.”

  “You did? Why?”

  “It wasn’t really for me.”

  “Yeah, that makes sense. I don’t see you as a salesgirl.”

  “You don’t?”

  “No. I think you’re like me. The do-gooder type.”

  “I’m not sure about that.”

  “Well come on, when I said Grace kicked me out, you volunteered right away to help.”

  “Sure, but you’re my…friend,” I say. I almost make things awkward and say she’s my daughter.

  “You’re a good person. Don’t try to deny it.”

  “You think I should be a reporter?”

  “What do you think?”

  The only thing I’ve ever written are police reports and Captain Archer constantly harassed me for my poor spelling and grammar. “I’m not sure that’s for me either.”

  Maddy motions to a couple of little girls squeezing the stuffed animals. “How about a social worker? You could help kids who had it rough like you did.”

  As a cop I met a few social workers. Most of them seemed to have given up long ago. I suppose Maddy’s kind of idealism is only for the young. To let her down easy I say, “I’ll have to think about it.”

  “Sure, nobody’s saying you have to do anything today. Maybe you just need to work as a barista for a couple of years first.”

  “Maybe I should dye my hair pink too, right?”

  “I think blue is more your color.”

  I smile as I remember Grace said the same thing. Then I remember what happened after that. But Maddy doesn’t kiss me. She just gives me a friendly pat on the back and then we continue to explore the store.

  ***

  We have lunch at a deli about three blocks from Amos’s shop. While Maddy nibbles on a pastrami sandwich, I get up to use the bathroom. “I’ve got to powder my nose,” I say and give her a wink. I hate to lie to her, but there’s no way I can tell her I need to go to a pawnshop to buy a gun. After all her idealistic talk about helping people, I know she’d never accept her friend is a brutal vigilante.

  I hurry as fast as I can, given the number of people on the sidewalks. It still takes about ten minutes to reach the pawnshop. I stop at the door and catch my reflection in the glass. I wonder if Amos will recognize me like this?

  He doesn’t recognize me, not at first. “Can I help you, sweetheart?” he asks.

  “I want to buy a gun,” I say.

  He stares at me in my T-shirt and jeans; I look about fifteen years old. “We can’t sell guns to minors, honey. Come back when you’re eighteen.”

  “I am eighteen, dipshit,” I say. “And that Uzi you sold me was a piece of shit. Fucking thing jammed on the first clip.”

  He blinks as he matches my appearance with that of the spoiled rich kid who came in for assault weapons. “That was you?”

  “Yeah, it was me. Now I need something else. Preferably something that won’t jam.”

  “Oh, well, let’s see what we can do.”

  He shows me his wares again. It’s largely the same as last time. I pick up the 9mm Beretta. It probably won’t jam on me. “This one,” I say. “And give me three extra clips.”

  “All right. If that’s what you want. I have some other—”

  “No thanks. Do you have a silencer for this?”

  “I think so.”

  “I’ll take that too.”

  I wander around the store while Amos tries to find the silencer I want. My phone rings as I examine some knives. I drop the phone when I hear Maddy’s voice. How did she get my number? Maybe Tess gave it to her.

  I scoop up the phone and hear Maddy say my name. “I’m here,” I stammer.

  “Where the hell are you? And don’t say the bathroom because that’s where I am. Why are you ditching me?”

  “I’m not ditching you.”

  “Then what would you call it?”

  Shit, I say to myself. I’m such an idiot. Maddy and I had just connected and I threw it away so I could buy a gun for my stupid vendetta. No, it’s not just a vendetta. It’s important. I need the FY-1978 formula so Dr. Palmer can find a way to cure me, so I can be Maddy’s father again instead of her friend.

  “If you don’t want to hang out with me that’s fine, but just say so. Don’t pretend like you’re my friend and then ditch me,” Maddy says. Her voice becomes almost as menacing as mine when I threatened Grace.

  “I’m sorry, Maddy. I—I wanted to surprise you. Tonight.”

  “What?”

  “I wanted to buy you something special. For being such a good friend.”

  “Are you lying?”

  “No, I’m serious. I couldn’t do it with you standing right there, could I?”

  “No, I guess not.”

  “Right, so just stay there and I’ll be back in a half hour or so. All right?”

  “OK.” Before she hangs up, she says, “And thanks.”

  I feel even shittier that I lied to her and got away with it. I’m not much better at being her friend than I ever was as her father. Maddy deserves better. She deserves someone who will be true to her, to not lie and betray her.

  I walk past the jewelry case. Something sparkles at me. I turn and see a pair of diamond studs like those Maddy saw in the department store. I’m still looking at them when Amos returns. “I found it,” he says. “Anything else I can help you with?”

  “Yeah, these earrings,” I say.

  “Those are nice. They’re—”

  “How about we call them compensation for that busted Uzi, eh?” He still has my gun, but I have a foot-long hunting knife in my hand and won’t hesitate to use it on someone as scummy as him.

  “Sure,” he says. “Then we’ll be square, right?”

  “Right.” As he takes the earrings out, I add, “Can you gift wrap those? They’re for my daughter.”

  Chapter 45

  Jake gets home just as Maddy and I are setting the table for dinner. I see him frown for a moment when he sees Maddy. She waves to him and says, “Hi, Mr. Madigan! I hope you don’t mind me staying over tonight.”

  “No, of course not,” he says. I can see from the vein on his forehead that he does mind. “Would you mind if I talk to Stacey in the study for a minute?”

  “No problem.” Before I can leave, she elbows me gently in the ribs. “Looks like you’re in trouble.”

  “It’s your fault,” I say and we giggle like a couple of schoolgirls.

  I follow Jake into the study, where he sits down with a weary sigh. “What’s Maddy doing here?” he asks without preamble.

  “Her a
nd Grace are having a rough time. She asked if she could stay here tonight. How could I say no?”

  “No. See how easy that is?”

  “Don’t be a smart-ass.”

  “You know how creepy it is to see you two together? And the way you were laughing together—”

  “Like a couple of schoolgirls?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, we are a couple of girls if you haven’t noticed.”

  “Now who’s being a smart-ass?”

  “Look, it freaks me out a little too, but I’ve never been this close to Maddy before. Did you know she wants to be a reporter?”

  “She does? Since when?”

  “I don’t know. She told me today when we were shopping. She thinks I should be a social worker. Work with abused kids or something.”

  “Yeah, that sounds up your alley. They can tell you their problems and then you’ll go rough up their parents, right?”

  “I’m not a thug.”

  “That’s not what Amos says. He called me up and said some girl was hassling him. Pretty little thing in a blue T-shirt and jeans. I wonder who that could be?”

  “Amos said I’m pretty?”

  “Not in so many words. He called you a nice little cunt.”

  “That sounds more like him.”

  “What the hell are you up to now, Steve? I thought we decided no more of this Dirty Harry bullshit?”

  “You said Charles Bronson bullshit.”

  “It’s the same fucking thing!” He pounds the desk so I’ll know he’s serious. The way he winces, he’s done more harm to himself than me or the desk. “Whatever happens, you’re staying out of it.”

  “I just want to be prepared,” I say. “If Lex figures out who I am, he might come after me—and anyone around me.”

  “Let me worry about my wife.”

  “And I’ll worry about my daughter.”

  “Do you know how silly it looks when you say that? She’s older than you now for Christ’s sake.”

  “I know that. But it doesn’t change anything.”

  He throws up his hands. “Fine. Go have your slumber party or whatever. Maybe it’ll keep you out of my hair.”

  At that moment the phone on his desk rings. He picks it up. “Yeah? You’re sure?” Jake reaches out for a pad of paper. He scribbles down a few notes. It’s hard to read them upside-down, but I figure out he’s written down “Nath’s Lab” and “midnight.” That can only mean Lex is ready to deal with Lennox Pharmaceuticals. “OK, Doctor. I’ll be there. What? No, she is going to stay put, no matter if I have to handcuff her to the bed. Right. Stay safe, Doctor.”