Chances Are Omnibus (Gender Swap Fiction)

by P. T. Dilloway

  Dr. Macintosh doesn’t have much of a yard. The side yard is more of an alley, where the doctor keeps his trash cans and a grill. She slips past these, into the tiny backyard. She looks up, and tries to remember the layout of the house. Which window is Darren’s? If he’s even in his bedroom. But if he doesn’t have his piano, where else will he be?

  She figures it must be the second window. It’s dark, but he’s probably asleep. Now she just needs a rock. She squats down on the ground and feels around until she finds a stone big enough to make some noise, but small enough not to break the window. She cocks her arm and then throws the rock.

  She misses by at least ten feet to the right. She can’t see where the rock lands, so she has to find another. She makes sure to get a handful of them in case she misses again.

  It takes her four tries before she hits what she hopes is Darren’s window. Nothing happens for a minute. She tries again; she just needs two tries to hit the window. After about thirty seconds, the light comes on. The curtains part to reveal she was right about it being Darren’s window.

  She was right about him being asleep too; he’s dressed in his pajamas. She waves to him and motions for him to open the window. He does so and then asks, “Stacey?”

  “Darren, you gotta let me in. It’s important.”

  “Can’t you just go to the front door?”

  “No! I’m running away from home. You can’t let your uncle know.”

  “Stacey—”

  “Darren, just let me in. I’ll explain everything.”

  “Well, all right,” he says after a minute of deliberation.

  “But don’t let your uncle know.”

  “I won’t.”

  She waits for a couple of minutes in the backyard, between some lawn chairs so no one will see her. As she waits, she begins to shiver. It’s gotten cold, especially in this dress. She unzips the bag Jamie gave to her. There’s a pink hooded sweatshirt inside; Stacey puts it on over her dress, which warms her a little. She really needs to put on some pants. Where is Darren?

  The back door opens. Darren sticks his head out. “Stacey?” he calls out much too loud. She hisses at him to be quiet. “Sorry.”

  “You didn’t tell your uncle, did you?”

  “No, he’s on the phone.”

  Probably with her grandparents. She scurries over to the door. “Let’s go up to your room.”

  “My room? But—”

  “I’ll explain up there. OK?”

  He thinks about it for a few moments. “OK.”

  They hold hands as he sneaks her upstairs. They can hear Dr. Macintosh in the living room on the phone. “I’m sure she didn’t get too far,” he says. “She’s just a little girl.”

  This makes her feel a swell of pride. This little girl got a lot farther than Dr. Mac thinks, right into his house. Too bad she can’t walk into the living room to gloat about it. Instead she follows Darren up to his room.

  Once the door is closed, Stacey kisses him on the lips. Then they sit down on the bed, but keep their clothes on this time. “Stacey, what’s going on? Why are you sneaking around?”

  “I told you, I’m running away from home.”

  “Why?” She gives him the same story she gave Jamie earlier. He believes it just like she did. “That’s terrible. How soon are you going?”

  “I’m not going to go. That’s why I’m running away.”

  “Where are you going to go?”

  “I’m not sure yet.” She reaches into the duffel bag. “Jamie gave me some money and stuff. We can find somewhere for a couple of days while we figure things out.”

  Darren stares at her blankly. “We?”

  “You and me. We have to go together.”

  “I can’t run away from home. Uncle Bob will worry about me.”

  “You can let him know you’re safe after we find somewhere.”

  “But my mom is going to come home in a few weeks.”

  “Darren, I love you. Don’t you love me too?”

  “Well sure, but I can’t just run away from home.”

  Stacey hangs her head. She starts to cry. When Darren tries to put an arm around her, she shakes him away. “Stop it! You don’t love me. You don’t care about me at all.”

  “That’s not true. You know how much I care about you. I wrote a song for you.”

  “So what? If you really love me then you’ll go away with me so we can be together forever.”

  “But Stacey, we’re too little to run away.”

  “No we aren’t. I got this far already, didn’t I?”

  “I guess—”

  She takes Darren’s hand again. She looks into his eyes to make one final pitch. “Darren, I love you and you love me. That’s all that matters. We can figure out the rest later. Come with me. Please?”

  Darren looks away from her, down at the floor. “I’m sorry, Stacey. I can’t go, not right now. Maybe in a few months, after school is out—”

  She rolls onto the bed and begins to sob. Darren tries to pat her back, to comfort her. She ignores him. “Stacey, don’t cry. It won’t be so bad. We can write—”

  She rolls over to face him again. She slaps him across the face. “Shut up!” she screams. She pushes him backwards, off the bed. “Don’t you understand how much I love you? I’m giving up everything for you. My whole life, just for you. And you won’t even come with me because you’re too scared.”

  She runs to the door, but doesn’t get far. Dr. Macintosh is in the doorway. She tries to dart past him, but he’s too quick; he seizes her by the shoulders. He lifts her into the air. She screams and kicks at him, but it doesn’t do any good.

  “I think it’s time we have a talk,” Dr. Macintosh says. “Darren, stay here. I’ll deal with you after Stacey goes home.” Of course that coward Darren doesn’t come to her aid. He just stares as Dr. Macintosh carries her away.

  ***

  He carries her down to the living room. “Lemme go! Lemme go!” she screams while she continues to thrash in his grasp. “I wanna go!”

  “Not until we’ve talked about this,” he says. He drops her onto an armchair. Before she can spring to her feet, he pushes her back against the cushions. “Stacey, stop it. I can give you something to put you to sleep if I have to, but I hope we can discuss this like grown-ups.”

  “I don’t wanna discuss anything. I wanna go.”

  He sits on the ottoman for the armchair so he can keep her there. All she can do is curl up into a ball on the chair. “Your grandmother called me. She’s very worried about you.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “I know that’s not true. I know you love your grandmother.”

  “Do not. I hate them. They want me to go away.”

  “Do they?”

  “They want me to grow up so they don’t have to take care of me. They don’t want me and Maddy around anymore.”

  “If that were true, she wouldn’t have called me, would she? She wouldn’t be at home, crying because you ran away.”

  “It’s her fault. They made me do it.”

  “They only want what’s best for you.”

  “Do not.”

  “You think remaining a little girl is the best thing for you?”

  “I am a little girl.”

  “We both know that’s not true.”

  “It is so true!” Stacey presses her head against the cushions. “Why do people keep saying that I’m not me?”

  “Because it’s true. Stacey Chang isn’t real. You created her when you became little.”

  “Did not. Mommy and Daddy named me.”

  “I see. Describe Mommy and Daddy for me.”

  “What?”

  “Tell me what Mommy and Daddy were like.”

  “Daddy was a soldier. He was big and strong and very brave. Mommy was very nice. She took care of us.”

  “I see. What were their names?”

  “Mommy and Daddy.”

  “No, I mean what were their real names?”

&nb
sp; “Qiang and Steve,” Stacey says.

  “Those are very nice names. How old were they?”

  “I don’t know. Old.”

  “And how did they die?”

  Stacey hides her face from Dr. Macintosh and shakes her head. She doesn’t want to talk about their deaths. She doesn’t want to relive those terrible days. She whimpers when Dr. Macintosh puts a hand on her back. “Stacey, answer the question. How did they die?”

  “I won’t talk about it.”

  “You won’t talk about it because they aren’t real. They weren’t really your parents and you aren’t really Stacey Chang. It’s all an elaborate game of make-believe.”

  “Is not,” she mumbles.

  “So answer the question. Prove me wrong.”

  She looks up at him; tears stream down her cheeks. “Daddy died in Afghanistan. Some mean people killed him.”

  “What about Mommy?”

  “She died in a fire. She got me and Maddy out, but she couldn’t get out in time.”

  “Very good.”

  “You believe me now?”

  “I believe Steve and Qiang did exist, just not as your parents. Qiang was the woman who cared for you and Maddy when Dr. Ling took you captive. Do you remember him?”

  “No,” Stacey says, but she shudders at the name.

  “You’re lying. You remember him. He was a very bad man. He did awful things to you and Madison. He injected you with a drug that turned you into little girls.”

  “Nuh-uh.”

  “He was going to take you both away to China to continue his research, so Qiang helped you escape. She did die in a fire, a fire she set to cover your escape.”

  “No she didn’t. You’re lying.”

  “Am I? I’m sure your grandfather could get a copy of the police report on an explosion at an old elementary school. A lot of people died there, including Qiang.”

  “Did not.”

  “Your ‘father’ wasn’t a soldier. He was a policeman named Steve Fischer. Some bad people did kill him, a gangster named Artie Luther. He put a bullet in Steve’s head. He didn’t really die, though, did he?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “The gangster injected Steve with something, the same thing Dr. Ling used on you. So instead of dying, Steve became a young woman. A young woman named Stacey Chance.”

  Stacey shakes her head. “You’re lying! You’re lying!”

  “I wish I were. Would you like to see proof that I’m not?”

  “No.”

  “Why not? Are you afraid of the truth?”

  “I don’t care. I wanna go.”

  “Where are you going to go, Stacey?”

  “I don’t care.”

  “I see. How long do you think you’ll last out there? You’re just a child.”

  “I can find a way.”

  “Wouldn’t it be better to go home to your grandparents? They only want to help you.”

  “Do not.”

  “Don’t you want to be a grown-up?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “I just don’t.”

  “I see.” Dr. Macintosh doesn’t have a notepad, but he taps his knee as if he has a notepad there. “Why did you come here, Stacey?”

  “To say goodbye to Darren.”

  “Darren is important to you?”

  “Yes.”

  “You care about him a lot?”

  “Yes.”

  “You love him?”

  She shakes her head and then looks down at the floor. “No.”

  “I think you do, Stacey. I saw you onstage tonight. You kissed Darren twice. Why did you do that?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I know Darren cares a lot about you too. After you left my house the last time, he was very distraught about it. He loves you, Stacey. Did you know that?”

  “He doesn’t. Not really.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “He won’t come with me.”

  “Where?”

  “Wherever. He’s chicken.”

  “I see. You came here to ask Darren to run away with you.”

  “Yes.”

  “And he wouldn’t go?”

  “No. He’s scared.”

  “Why do you think he’s scared?”

  “Because he’s stupid.”

  “That’s not a big girl answer, is it?”

  “I don’t care. He’s a stupid boy and I hate him.”

  “Now I know that’s not true.”

  “Is too.”

  “If you hated him, you wouldn’t have come here, would you?” When she doesn’t say anything, Dr. Macintosh says, “Do you remember our last session? When I had you look in the mirror?”

  “Yes.”

  “You saw another face, a woman’s face, didn’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “A woman with red hair and blue eyes?”

  “Yes.”

  “You still don’t know who that is?”

  “No.”

  “Her name was Stacey too. She was a patient of mine. A very special patient. She was a very good singer too, just like you.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “Then one night she was singing and she ran away. She disappeared. No one’s seen her since then. Not until you saw her in the mirror.”

  “So what?”

  “That woman is you, Stacey. You can keep trying to fight it, but we know it’s true. The question is: why don’t you want it to be true?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You can tell me, Stacey. I’m not here to judge you, remember? You’re safe here. Why don’t you want to go back?”

  “I don’t know!” Stacey curls up on the armchair to sob again. She wishes Dr. Macintosh would leave her alone. She doesn’t want to answer any more stupid questions. She just wants to leave, to find somewhere to rest for a long time, to sort everything out. “Why don’t you leave me alone?”

  “Because I’m your friend, Stacey. I care about you. I want what’s best for you.”

  “Do not.”

  “I see. You like being ten years old. You like having Tess and Jake take care of you, cleaning up after you, bathing you, buying your clothes. You like depending on them, don’t you?”

  “No.”

  “And you like having Madison as your little sister. You like that she needs you for support, as someone to look up to. You missed that before, didn’t you? Madison needing you. She didn’t need you when she was just your friend, did she? She could have always made other friends, but she couldn’t find another sister so easily, could she?”

  “Shut up!”

  “Everything is so much easier for you this way. There’s no confusion about who you are or what you are. Everything is in black-and-white now. Jake and Tess are your loving grandparents. Madison is your sweet baby sister. Jamie is your best friend. Darren is your boyfriend. You don’t have to carry around that guilt anymore about not being a good enough father to Madison or sleeping with Grace or not knowing what to do with your life. It’s all so simple for you, isn’t it?”

  “Shut up,” she whimpers. She presses her hands to her ears to block out his words. “Leave me alone.”

  “I’m sorry, Stacey. This isn’t your life. Your life is out there. You can’t keep hiding from it.”

  She can’t say anything; her throat is too choked with sobs to speak. As much as she doesn’t want him to, Dr. Macintosh continues. “Stacey Chang is a wonderful little girl. I wish she were real. I wish she and Darren could be sweethearts forever. But Stacey Chance is a good person too. She’s sweet and strong and bright, in her own way. She’s a very good friend to a lot of people. A lot of people will be very sad to lose her. Me included.”

  “Stop it!” Stacey shouts. She shakes her head violently; she hears not just Dr. Macintosh’s voice, but others as well. “Go away! I don’t wanna go back!”

  With a final scream, she passes out.

  Chapter 40

  It’s like a b
omb goes off in my head. A dam breaks open and everything rushes out: over fifty years of memories. It’s not like they say when you’re about to die; everything doesn’t come out in chronological order. It is a flood of random images and sounds, some good and a lot that aren’t. One moment I see Maddy at the Kozee Koffee, twenty-two years old with pink hair and a nose ring and the next a doctor passes a newborn Maddy into my arms. All of these things fall into place like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, until I can see the whole picture: the face of Stacey Chance, the one I saw in the mirror but didn’t want to recognize.

  When I open my eyes, I’m Stacey Chance again, at least on the inside. On the outside I’m still a little Chinese girl. I see that when I sit up a little to find I still have on a pink sweatshirt over my red dress. Dr. Macintosh’s face looms large before me and smiles down at me. “Don’t try getting up yet,” he says.

  I realize then I’m on the floor. “How did I get here?” I ask.

  “You ran away from your grandparents. Do you remember?”

  “No, I meant how did I get on the floor?”

  “I put you on the floor. You were having some pretty bad seizures.”

  “Oh. Did I make a mess?”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  “That’s good.”

  He holds three fingers up to my face. “How many fingers?”

  “Three.”

  “What’s your name?”

  I sigh and ask, “Which one? The one I was born with or one of the other ones?”

  “So you remember now?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s good news.”

  “Is not,” I say. Dr. Macintosh was right: things were a lot better as Stacey Chang. When I was completely immersed in her life everything was better, simpler. I didn’t feel any guilt about Maddy or Grace. I didn’t feel confused about who I am or the future. Everything was all planned out, even if it was a silly, childish plan. I had dreams again. I was in love with someone my own age who wasn’t involved with anyone else. I was closer to Madison than I had been in thirteen years, if not longer.

  “This is for the best, Stacey.”

  “For who?”

  “For you. Remember what I told you when you first came to me as Stacey Chang? We needed to integrate your identities. Not repress them. You have to learn to accept who you are, both the good and bad parts of it.”