Niki Slobodian 03 - Before the Devil Knows You're Dead

by J. L. Murray

  The man shook his head. “No,” he said. “You're wrong. It's not me. It can't be.”

  Sam came and crouched down next to us. “It's You,” he said. “I'm sure of it.”

  The man looked at him and clenched his fists. “It can't be me,” he said. “Don't you understand?”

  “Sam,” I said. “Are you sure?” The man had crumpled into a ball and was sobbing.

  “Yes, aren't you?” Sam said. “Can't you feel it?”

  “Yes,” I said. “But He's just so human. Isn't there some other way?”

  “If there is, I don't know it,” said Sam.

  The man stopped rocking and looked at me. “Just give me a little more time,” he said. “Please. I have to find my family. To explain.”

  “I'm sorry,” I said. “But so many people in this neighborhood were killed. Your family...”

  “No,” he whispered, looking stricken. “They can't be dead.”

  “Thousands are dead,” said Sam gently. “But I can tell you with conviction that they will be at peace when You go back.”

  “How would you know that?” said the man.

  “I am Samael,” said Sam. “Do you know me?”

  “Yes,” said the man softly. “You were always the wisest.” He shook his head. “I don't want to know that,” he said clutching at himself. “I don't want any of this.”

  “None of us wanted it,” I said.

  “Niki,” said Sam, pain in his voice. “I can't do this much longer. It's slipping away. If I go before you do it, don't stop. Promise?”

  “Don't, Sam,” I said.

  “Promise me,” he said.

  I looked at the man. “I'm sorry,” I said. “We all lost everything. I was in love. I am in love. With him.” I nodded to Sam and my eyes lingered on his face. “But I'll lose him too. My father and sister were murdered.” I looked back at him. He was staring at me. “But here I am. With You. Trying to convince You to do the right thing. Because this world is worth more than my feelings. I think You know that, too.”

  The man stared at me for a long moment. Finally he nodded. “Okay,” he said. “But do one thing for me.”

  “Anything,” I said.

  He thrust something into my hand. A crumpled piece of paper. I opened it up. It was a photograph. A beautiful woman about the man's age with gray in her hair and a vibrant smile. Two women, young and happy. In the middle the man beside me smiled out, joy in his eyes.

  “Find them,” he said. “If they're alive, tell them...” He teared up and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them he ground his teeth. “Just tell them I'm sorry. If they're not alive, please give them a good burial. Please.”

  “Okay,” I said. “What's your name?”

  “Henry,” he said. “Henry Robinson.”

  “I swear, Henry,” I said. “If I live through this, I'll find them.”

  He nodded. “Okay. What do I have to do?”

  “I'm sorry,” I said gently. “You have to die.”

  He looked at me quickly. He closed his eyes again. He took a breath. “Do it,” he said. I looked at Sam. He nodded.

  I reached out. I put my hand on his chest. The world went dark.

  Nineteen

  I was floating in a sea of light. It was like swimming in stars. I shielded my eyes. When I had grown accustomed to the brightness, I looked around. Sam was next to me. He looked at me, his dark eyes empty and full of pain.

  “It's going,” he said.

  “No,” I said. “Stay.” I couldn't cry. I was empty. But somehow my face was wet anyway. “Sam, please don't leave me.”

  He smiled gently. He reached out his arm as if to touch my face, but he just shook his head, unable to make the gesture.

  “I'd do it all again,” Sam said, his eyes locked onto mine, his voice soft and barely audible. Like a sigh. “I would do it all again,” he repeated.

  His muscles relaxed and he sighed as if a huge weight had been lifted from him. He closed his eyes and leaned back. He began to disappear. Not like when the ghosts crossed over, but a slow unraveling like when I had unmade the buildings around Michael. Like threads being pulled from a sweater. A moan escaped my lips. I tried to grab at him, just to keep a small piece, but my hand went through. He felt like tendrils of silk thread.

  “Sam,” I said and I couldn't control the sobs that came from somewhere deeper than anywhere in my body. When I could see again without the tears, Sam was gone. All that was left was the sparkling sea of light. I floated on.

  I didn't know how long I'd been there. It felt like days. Time passed, but I couldn't tell how much. I was empty. No white fire. Just a feeling of numbness that filled up my heart and my guts.

  I slept. I woke feeling weak. I couldn't understand why until I remembered it all over again. Sam was gone. I was too empty to cry. And this time I didn't. I felt cold, like I had the flu. There was a presence that I hadn't felt before. It felt familiar.

  “Hello?” I said.

  “Do you want to know?” said a voice. It was all around me and next to me and in my head at the same time. It was neither male nor female.

  “Where are you?” I said.

  “Everywhere,” said the voice. “Do you want to know? You have a right to know why this happened. How it happened. You have done well, Nikita.”

  “Don't call me that,” I said. “Only one person is allowed to call me that.”

  “Ah, yes. Niki, then.”

  “Thank you,” I said. “Where am I?”

  “You're in the Presence,” said the voice.

  “Can you bring him back?” I said. “Sam. Samael. He died to bring You back. You are the Creator, aren't you?”

  “Yes. Some call me that.”

  “Bring him back. Please. I can't stand it without him.”

  “He's been unmade,” said the voice.

  “Can you remake him?” I said. “Please. I've lost so much for You. Just this one thing.”

  “I'm sorry,” said the voice. “It cannot be done.”

  The words were like a slap. “You're the Creator,” I whispered, unable to summon the energy to speak any louder. “You're the damn Creator. What the hell did we bring You back for? What did Sam die for?”

  “The balance has been restored,” said the voice.

  “Screw balance,” I said. “I want Sam. I want him back right now.”

  “I'm sorry,” said the Creator. “I can only give you knowledge.”

  “I don't want it. I don't want to know,” I said.

  “You will. Someday. Your father is searching for you.”

  “Sasha?” I said.

  “No, your real father. His name is Pineme.”

  “Pineme?” I said. My mother hadn't been muttering gibberish. She'd been saying the name of the man she loved over and over again. Long after he'd left her. Long after death. I understood.

  “He has been hunted for a long time,” said the voice. “But he is free now. He wants very much to meet you.”

  “He should have thought of that when he abandoned my mother,” I said.

  “He didn't abandon her. He left her to keep her safe. He didn't know they would hunt her, too. He will tell you himself when you meet. It will not be long.” The voice seemed to hesitate. “I regret leaving. I understand the pain I have caused to this world.”

  “To understand it is one thing,” I said. “To live it is to have your heart ripped out.”

  “I know,” said the voice that had lived in our world as Henry Robinson. It sounded almost regretful.

  “What was Pineme doing with my mother?” I said. “Was she an angel, too?”

  “She was a human. What you call an Abnormal. She had extraordinary abilities. Your father fell in love with her, much as you fell in love with Samael.”

  “Please don't say his name,” I said, closing my eyes. The voice was silent. After a moment I could speak again. “If he is free now, has something happened to Michael?"

  “Michael is dead,” said the voice. �
��Your father's demons attacked him before he could recover his sword.”

  “What about the city?” I said.

  “Your city is being rebuilt,” said the voice. “Your kind are really so clever at that. So clever.” There was a wistful note in the voice. I remembered Henry. How hard he had cried at leaving. I had been wrong to say the Creator didn't understand my grief.

  “How did Michael do that to...to his memories?” I said.

  “A simple trick,” said the Creator. “Michael was really very gifted. But he was so filled with hate and envy. Samael wanted very much to leave Briah and live in the world. It was a necessary function at the time. Michael had to let him go. Making him forget was Michael's little joke, I suppose. He only helped Samael find them again to hurt him. But Samael was always so wise. I'm so sorry. Please understand that I would bring him back if I could.”

  I took a moment and the voice was respectfully quiet. “Sofi and Bobby?” I said finally.

  “Safe,” said the voice.

  “You said that his function was necessary at the time. What did you mean? Death isn't necessary anymore?”

  “People will cross over on their own. Usually,” said the voice. “But when they can't—and that is growing exceedingly rare—that is where you will come in, Niki. You must help them. Help them to let go. You're so good at that. You have a way with people.”

  “What if I refuse?” I said.

  “Then they will wander the world alone,” said the voice. “There is no one else. You are the only one left who can do this.”

  “I never asked for any of this,” I said.

  “You still don't understand, do you?”

  “Understand what?”

  “You and Samael,” said the voice. “You saved the world and everyone in it.”

  “I nearly destroyed it first,” I said.

  “You never should have had to carry that power. For that I thank you.”

  “Why did I have it in the first place?” I said. “Did I get it when I came back?”

  “You have always had it,” said the voice. “I gave it to Pineme when I left. He knew you were strong, even in your mother's womb. He could feel that you were just like him. He gave you the power then when you were unborn. It lay dormant in you until you died. And then, it was not so dormant.”

  “So my father might have killed me,” I said. “That power could have killed me.”

  “Yes,” said the voice. “But your father didn't think Michael would go after your mother. And he could feel that you were strong. He took a chance and gave it to you. If Michael had obtained it, he would have unmade the world long ago. And worse. Your father did the right thing.”

  “So I'm half human,” I said. “My mother was an Abby.”

  “There is still a sliver of humanity left in you,” said the voice. “That is why you heard the voices that the Abbies heard. But when Samael brought you back, he gave you part of himself. A large part, that still lives inside you. It is why you are still breathing. And you will be for a very long time, because of Samael. That is how much he loved you.”

  “Great,” I said. “I can't wait.”

  “You don't want to live?” said the voice.

  “Not without him.”

  “And yet,” said the voice, “you must.”

  Twenty

  I entered the Deep Blue Sea and tugged at my dress. I hated dressing up. But it had been necessary. I shrugged off my coat and threw it over the back of a chair. I grabbed the bottle of Jameson and sat at the bar, kicking off my shoes. I didn't even bother with a glass. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the booth. Our booth. I looked away. It was too soon. I didn't even know why I was here. I didn't know why the bar still existed. But it did. And it was quiet. I opened the bottle and drank deeply. Today was not a good day for trying to figure things out.

  There was a tremor that shook the liquid in the bottle I was holding. I heard a tinkling as all the other bottles shook against each other. My head went foggy and I heard a rip.

  “What now?” I said. The fog dissipated and someone sat down next to me. I looked over. I didn't recognize him at first. His hair had been combed and hung in a neat braid down his back. He was wearing clean clothes. He also didn't look crazy anymore. Lucifer took the bottle out of my hand and tipped it back. He swallowed and looked at me.

  “Hello, Niki,” he said. “Mind if I join you?”

  “Do I have a choice?” I said.

  He looked down at the bottle. “Yes, you have a choice. I will go if you wish. I've come to apologize. I know it doesn't mean much now, but I am deeply, deeply sorry for the way I treated you. And my brother.” His voice broke on the last word. He took another drink from the bottle and handed it back to me, finally meeting my eyes. He looked so like Sam. Lucifer was bigger and had a sharper look to his face. But his eyes, his lips, his face. If I wanted to, I could squint my eyes and pretend I had Sam back. That he wasn't really gone. But I didn't want to. I wanted to be angry and sad and hollow all at once. I wanted to cry and laugh maniacally and scream. I didn't want to pretend he was back. I wanted him to be here with me. To smile at me. To look at me with his dark eyes. I took a drink from the bottle in my hand. It hurt too much to look at Lucifer.

  “You could have helped him,” I said. “Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but you could have tried. You just made things worse.”

  “Yes,” said Lucifer. “Yes, I know. I was not myself.”

  “You think that's an excuse?” I said. “I had the power of God in me.”

  “And you nearly unmade the world,” said Lucifer.

  I closed my eyes. I couldn't speak. I wanted to be angry at everyone around me. At everyone who was there. But I knew there was only one person to blame. I had used the power. I had been so angry. I wanted to kill Michael so much that I hadn't cared about anything else. That was why Sam was gone. I had done it. Not Lucifer, not Michael, not anyone else. My vision went blurry and my eyes stung.

  “It wasn't your fault,” said Lucifer.

  “Wasn't it?” I said.

  “Everyone is to blame, Niki,” he said. “All of us. I should have helped. The angels shouldn't have followed Michael. The Creator shouldn't have left in the first place. Your father shouldn't have given you such phenomenal power. Samael himself should not have brought you back.”

  “I kept telling him that,” I said.

  “What did he say to that?” said Lucifer.

  “He said he couldn't help it,” I said. “He said he couldn't see me dead like that and do nothing.” I finally met Lucifer's eyes. “I'd bring him back if I still had that power,” I said. “I wouldn't hesitate. I was so angry at him. For starting all this when he knew what the consequences would be. But I understand now. It wasn't really a choice for him.”

  “No,” said Lucifer. “I don't imagine it was.”

  “You brought someone back, too, once,” I said. “Sam told me.”

  “Yes,” said Lucifer.

  “What happened?” I said. “Why did she die?”

  “She was murdered,” said Lucifer, a dullness to his voice. “I have many enemies in Erebos. The demon lords at the time did not appreciate my leadership. Someone told them about Cassandra. They killed her in her bed.”

  “Did you catch them?” I said.

  “Oh yes,” he said. “They were brutally executed, which is what they deserved. But still,” he took a drink. “It didn't bring her back. It only made me feel empty.”

  “Is that why you went to Sheol?”

  “I didn't plan to stay,” he said. “But I couldn't leave her. I saw her lying there on her slab and sometimes she said my name. If I closed my eyes I could pretend we were having a conversation. I couldn't bring myself to leave her. So I stayed a little longer. Then I stayed a lot longer. I don't know how the time passed, but it was like the blink of an eye. And no one can stay in Sheol for that long without going a little crazy.” He handed me the bottle. “I see him in you, you know,” he said. “I can fee
l him when I'm near you.”

  “Sometimes I feel like I can almost hear his voice,” I said. “In my head. Like he's trying to say something but I can't quite hear him.” I took a drink. “Sounds nuts when I say it out loud.”

  “You're not mad,” said Lucifer. “You carry a piece of Samael around with you. I would be lying if I said there weren't consequences to sharing someone else's soul.”

  “Soul?” I said. “That's what he gave me? Part of his soul?”

  “Oh, yes,” said Lucifer. “Quite a lot of it, if I'm any judge, and I am. Souls are where my power is. The hereafter, and all that. Samael will never stop being a part of you. You will carry him around for the rest of your life. And given your father's station, and the fact that you carry part of the soul of an Arch, I'd wager that the rest of your life is going to be a very, very long time.”

  “It just keeps getting better and better,” I said.

  “I'd like to come and see you again,” said Lucifer. “Would that be all right? To check up on you. To make sure you're all right.”

  “I'm fine,” I said.

  “Still,” he said. “I do bear some responsibility. And it gives me comfort to be around you. It's like Samael is still here in a way.”

  “Could you have helped him?” I said. “Could you have stopped the war when we found you?”

  “You mean if I had returned to Erebos?” said Lucifer. “Ordered the demons to stop fighting?” I nodded. “I have been in Erebos for a week now,” said Lucifer. “The lords despise me and I am trying to rule over demons that would disembowel me if given half a chance. They will respect me again, eventually. But these things take time. What Samael asked me to do, to just go home and order my people to stop fighting, never would have worked. I think he knew that. He was desperate to stop Michael, though. Everyone was.”