Because of Liam

by Erica Alexander

  “Claws off, Becca, this one is mine. Go find a freshman to play with.”

  The girl named Becca pouts, and she’s kind of cute in a crazy scary way. This is the girl who let River down and I want to give her a piece of my mind, but River reads my intent and glares at me.

  Becca looks back at River. “Do you need a ride home?”

  “No,” we both say at the same time.

  “Oh, he’s the one!” Some kind of understanding in her face.

  “It’s about damned time!” Becca says, tugging on River’s arm and heading up the path to the building behind them.

  River calls back. “Liam? Whatever you do, if you go to the cafeteria, don’t eat the burrito special.”

  I call Logan.

  “Hey, little bro.”

  I hate when he calls me little brother, but I’m too excited to be bothered by it.

  “Hey, big bro,” I mimic his salute.

  “What’s up?”

  “I did it.”

  “You did what?” I can hear the concern in his voice. He probably thinks I killed Jon. I should let him sweat for a little while.

  “It’s done.”

  “Liam . . .” His voice is serious now. All the lightness from before, gone.

  “It needed doing. River helped me.”

  “Fuck!”

  “It was her idea, actually.”

  “Don’t say anything else over the phone.”

  “It wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.”

  “Liam, I can’t know this.”

  “We pretty much just walked in, talked for about an hour, signed a bunch of papers, and it’s mostly done.”

  “Wait? What?”

  “I mean, I still have to get some paperwork over to them, but they told me with my previous record and experience, I shouldn’t have any trouble at all.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “College.” I’m laughing now, no longer able to contain myself.

  “Motherfucker! I’m gonna beat the crap out of you when I get home.”

  “What did you think I was talking about?”

  “You little shit. You know exactly what I thought you were talking about. You nearly gave me a heart attack. Good thing I’m parked and not driving.”

  “I did it,” I repeat, letting the emotion take me over for a moment.

  “Liam, I’m so happy for you. Riggins?”

  “You know it.”

  “What made you decide?”

  “River.”

  “Ah . . . the power of pussy.”

  “Watch your mouth!”

  He laughs.

  “We were talking and what she said made a lot of sense.”

  “How did you get it done so fast? Didn’t they ask you for a ton of paperwork?”

  “Before I left for the navy, I packed all my transcripts, SAT scores, the letters of acceptance Dad hid and gave them to Mary to hold for me. A few weeks ago, she shipped all of it to your house—”

  “Our house,” Logan cuts me off.

  “Our house,” I repeat after him. “It was her not so subtle nudge for me to get off my ass.”

  “I guess it worked.”

  “Yeah, it did. Between all that and all the certifications and letters of recommendation from the marines, I have a pretty solid case. Riggins is fast-tracking it. I start the summer session in two weeks.”

  “You make me proud, little bro. We have to celebrate. Dinner at home. I’ll call Skye and you talk to River. Pizza and beer. The food of choice for college students everywhere.”

  “It’s a plan.”

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  I text Liam as promised, and he’s waiting for me in front of the building. He’s leaning on the closed passenger door of the Escalade, arms crossed at the chest. Camo cargo shorts low on his hips show a sliver of tanned skin. His biceps bulge against the sleeves of his white T-shirt.

  When I’m a few feet from him, he pushes away from the truck and in a single move, his left arm wraps around my back while his right-hand tangles into my hair and the back of my head.

  He kisses me.

  Long and slow, he savors me. His lips on mine, his tongue playing hide and go seek in my mouth. My hands come to his arms automatically and hold on. I can feel the flex of taut muscle under my fingers and my hands are on the move again, up his arms, shoulders, and the back of his head, where they fist into his hair, still damp from a shower. My body pushes into his, looking for more. His arm tightens around me. We kiss for seconds, minutes, years. Everything fades around us. There’s only this. His touch, his taste, the heat of his skin, the clean scent of man and need.

  He pulls back after a while. But just enough so we can breathe, his lips graze my cheek, then my forehead and he places a lingering kiss on it. Little by little, the outside world makes an appearance. The bright afternoon light filters around his wide shoulders, giving him a halo effect. The sounds of people, cars, birds pour back into the vacuum that kissing Liam creates. Kissing him fills my every sense until there’s no space for anything else. The outside world goes unnoticed, absent, until it forces its way back into my reality again.

  Reality being that I’m making out with this beautiful man in the middle of campus, in front of a building where hundreds of people just had their finals and they all witnessed my complete oblivion to anything that’s not Liam.

  It’s only been a day since we dropped our walls. Seventy-two hours since that first kiss. We haven’t talked about this, about the simmering need between us. We just stepped into it, not a natural progression really. We weren’t exactly friends. We didn’t flirt. It was more of a stupidly strong sexual attraction disguised as an annoyance contest—since we couldn’t get each other off, we pissed each other off instead.

  His words brush against my skin. “Hi, baby.”

  I have always hated that term of endearment. Baby. I’m not a baby. I’m a grown woman. I’ve always thought it a bit condescending, diminishing. I’m wrong. When said by the right lips, with the right tone behind it, this one word—baby—it says so much more than the two syllables can carry. There is tenderness in the word. It’s sweet and kind and sexy, all at the same time.

  If some other guy had said it to me, I would have ripped him a new one. But in Liam’s voice, I want to hear it again.

  “Hi.” My voice is breathy, a low rumble in my chest.

  He smiles at me, a sexy, all too knowing smile that reminds me of the Liam I’m used to. If he says anything about that bet, I’m gonna knee him in the balls. Baby or no baby.

  He doesn’t. “How did you do? Ace every test?”

  “I think my GPA is safe.” I can’t hold my smile.

  He takes a step back and brings me with him, placing a quick kiss on my cheek before opening the door for me. His hands are on my hips as he helps me up into it. The truck is tall and a good step up. I can easily navigate it, but then again, his hands wouldn’t be on me if I did and I kind of like his hands on me.

  “We’re having dinner at my house tonight. The four of us. Pizza and beer. It’s Logan’s treat.”

  “You told him?”

  “Yeah, he’s pretty excited about it, so he’s buying.”

  I love to see the smile on his face. Love how much lighter his whole demeanor is. He looks younger, without the weight of his tours on his shoulders. As I study him, I realize he’s studying me. “What?” I ask.

  He shakes his head, a wondering look in his eyes.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Pizza and beer nigh might just be a new tradition in our little family. It’s fun hanging out and talking. No pressure of any kind over our heads right now. I like the way this feels. This sense of belonging and being in the right place with the right people.

  Logan and I never had this easiness growing up. Our family meals were always a formal affair. Even when we were kids. I can feel Logan’s and Skye’s curious glances into my direction and River’s, sitting caddy corner from me, but
we have not said anything about whatever this is we have between us. I like this. I like this a lot. It feels . . . right.

  After I picked River up at school, I dropped her off at her house and they—River and Skye—came back at six for dinner. Skye baked a batch of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I know I’ll have to grab some and hide them from Logan if I want to have any.

  We’ve been stealing touches for the last hour. Little brushes of hands, elbows bumping, knees touching under the table. I want more. I need more. I need to kiss River again. I could get used to this. It feels almost normal. Almost like the version of me before I enlisted and before I knew my father was hiding my college applications. I’m lost in her and don’t realize Logan is talking to me until a piece of pizza crust hits me in the chest. I toss it back at him. He catches it midair and drops it to the paper plate in front of him. Between the two of us, we demolished an entire pepperoni pizza and a half of the girls’ veggie one.

  “Okay, I waited long enough. What’s going on with the two of you?” Logan inquires, a smirk on his face.

  “What?”

  “You two have been in the same room for over an hour and there have been no insults, no fighting, no cursing. So, we’re wondering”—he points between Skye and himself—“what’s going on with the two of you?”

  I look at River. She shrugs.

  “We have a . . .”

  “Truce.” River finishes my words.

  His smirk grows. The SOB is enjoying himself. “So, that’s what you kids are calling it nowadays.”

  “What other name do you have for a truce?” River challenges him.

  “For that kind of truce?” He points at us. “Sucking face, making out. There could have been some dry humping, but I couldn’t quite tell from where I was.”

  We both throw a piece of pizza crust at him. He blocks mine, but River’s hits him right in the forehead. I high five her.

  “I saw you two making out in the car when you dropped her off at home.”

  Skye has a big smile on her face. “Well, it’s about time.”

  River scoffs. “You two should talk. You are in each other’s pants 24/7.”

  Logan grabs Skye’s hand and kisses the back of it. “And that’s how I like it. I paid, you two kids clean up.”

  River and I get the paper plates and toss them into the empty pizza box and start cleaning up the table. And again, I’m elated by this mundane act. How can something so simple have such a huge effect? I’m craving simple. I’m craving normal, I realize. The last five years of my life have been anything but.

  I’m taking the trash out through the back door when the doorbell rings.

  River calls out, “I’ll get it.”

  When I get back in the house, the first thing I notice is the silence. There’s a different vibe in the air. I step around the kitchen wall and my eyes land on my parents. I need a minute to get my defenses back up so I step back into the kitchen and wash my hands. When I walk back into the room, I lean on the doorjamb and cross my arms. It’s been five years since I last saw them. Five years since I heard their voices. Five years and they choose today to show up. My father always did have perfect timing when it comes to fucking me up.

  My mother takes a step toward me, but my father’s hand on her arm stops her. She pulls away from him. My body stiffens as she comes closer to me. A velvet navy blue box is in her hands. I recognize that box. It explains how they found I’m back but not why they’re here. My father turned his back on me when I refused to comply with his orders. Said I was dead to him. Seeing him here actually surprises me.

  Mother wraps her arms around me. Her much smaller body is trembling and her eyes fill with tears. “My baby boy. I missed you so much.”

  I’m at a loss as to what to do. My mother was never affectionate. My father watches us with displeasure. My arms go around her in an awkward embrace, her head barely up to my shoulder. I don’t remember her being this small, this frail. She holds on to me tight as if trying to make up for all the times she didn’t hug me when I needed her to.

  “Enough of this!” My father’s voice breaks the moment.

  My mother flinches but keeps her arms around me.

  He takes a step in our direction and Logan cuts him off. Father had always been a big man, an imposing man. He used his size and ruthless demeanor to intimidate everyone around him. He thrived on it. But we are not little kids anymore and not so easily intimidated now.

  Logan and I, we can hold our own. I can look our father in the eye and not flinch, not back off. He’s seething at us.

  Mother pulls away from me and hands me the box. I open it, finding the medal I don’t think I deserve. I didn’t save Hannah after all. It doesn’t matter if I saved hundreds of others. I didn’t keep my promises to Hannah, the promise to keep her safe.

  “I’m so proud of you.” Mother’s voice rescues me from my self-inflicted misery. I’m so proud of you. I never heard those words from her before and up to this moment I had no idea how much I craved them. How much I need my mother to be a mother to me.

  My father pushes at Logan and Logan stands his ground. He tries again and Logan speaks up for the first time since they got here. “Don’t make me hurt you.”

  Father sneers at him, his eyes vile and filled with disgust.

  “The two soldiers who came to our door to deliver that trinket”—he points at the box in my hands—“said you were discharged a year ago and yet, this is the first we hear about it.”

  I shrug. Still haven’t said a word to either of them. Logan looks at me when he hears Father’s words. There’s hurt in his eyes, but he covers it fast. We learned early on not to show any kind of weakness in front of our father.

  “Why?” he asks me.

  “Why what, Father?”

  “Why didn’t you come back home?”

  “I did. I’m home.”

  “This is not your home. Your place is not here. It is back in Connecticut at my side.”

  “You’re mistaken, Father. This is my home now. I have no intention of returning to Connecticut or ever taking a place at your side.”

  “Nonsense. You are done playing soldier. You are to pack your things and return with me right now.”

  I look around the room and find River. There’s worry and anger in her eyes.

  “Listen, boy. I have been too soft with you. You’re a man now. Start acting like it. Do what you’re told and get in that car. I’ll arrange for enrollment at Harvard. You can start right away and work at the company.” My father ignores what I said before and tries to bully me into doing his bidding.

  “Which part of this aren’t you getting? I’m not going anywhere. You couldn’t force me six years ago and you can’t force me now.”

  “If you don’t get in that car right now, I will disown you and your brother.”

  “You did that a long time ago when you both forgot we were your children and not a business deal or a project you could manipulate for your own gain.”

  “How dare you? You will never see a cent of my money. I’ll make sure neither of you get anywhere,” Father yells.

  Mother recoils but does not say anything.

  I look back at the both of them. My parents. The people who should have loved me most. All my physical needs were met. I had a house but never a home. I had meals, but never a family dinner.

  “You never loved us. You were never a father to us. Who taught Logan to ride a bike? Our gardener Joe did, and Logan taught me. Whose bed did I run to when I had nightmares and was scared? It was never yours. Never. Yours. It was Mary who took me in and dried my tears when I was three and you told me to tough it out. It was Mary who read me bedtime stories when you both were too busy with your own lives to be bothered. It was Mary who helped Logan and me with homework and it was Mary who kissed the pain away when I fell and scraped my knees. And when you told me to either go to law school or get out, it was Mary who found me on the street and offered to use her life savings to pay for my college. I
could not let her do that and I could not let you two bully me into being something I’m not and will never be. That’s why I joined the navy and even though you knew where I was, I never received a single letter from you, not a fucking postcard saying, ‘Hey, son, hope you stay safe.’ No, neither one of you bothered. But Mary, well, she sent letters every week and care packages. Sometimes it would be months before the letters reached me and I would get a dozen at a time. I wrote her back, and I called her too. Every opportunity I got. She wanted me to call you two and make peace, but I knew better. You never wanted a son. You wanted an extension of yourself. Well, I have news for you because it seems you just don’t get it, do you, Father?”

  His hands fist at his sides. There’s pure hatred in his eyes.

  “I am my own person and so is Logan, and we are not extensions of you.”

  I can see the hurt in my mother’s eyes, but I don’t know if she’s hurt because of my words or because of her actions, or her lack of actions, really. She’s a weak woman and never stood a chance against my father. She did what he told her, she went along whatever path he set for her. Her expression changes. My words hurt her, but I can see now that the pain in her eyes is not for herself but for all she allowed to happen to our family.

  My father’s oblivious. Of everything I said, his only concern is how close I am to Mary, the only mother I had ever known.

  “Mary? That old woman has meddled in our family business and filled your head with illusions. I’ll fire her as soon as we get back home. Get in the car, Liam!” he ordered. “We are leaving right now.”

  “Mary won’t be back at the house.” I refuse to call that place home. “I’ll have her pack her things and move out as soon as you leave here. You may want to look into hiring a new chef when you get back.” I ignore his remarks about me going back.

  “I’ll have her arrested. I’ll call the police as soon as we are back and have her arrested.”

  “For what? Mary has never broken the law.”

  “Things go missing. Accusations can be made,” he threatens me.