Because of Liam

by Erica Alexander

  “I love the way she moves as if she owns the entire world and I love that she does not give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks. She’s her own woman, and she doesn’t need anyone’s approval or permission. And I love that one day she told me ‘Not one drop of my worth depends on your acceptance of me,’ and those words reminded me that I was the only one blaming myself. That I was the only one unwilling to accept that none of the things that happened to me were in any way my fault or a reflection of my self-worth.”

  She blinks and all mirth is gone from her face. Her eyes search mine.

  “You made me more than I was. You made me a whole person again. You filled all my dark places with light and laugher, and you did it over and over again until there was nothing left but you inside of me. You have filled my heart and soul so completely with joy and love that I learned to forgive myself and I learned to let go of the guilt and pain I carried with me for so many years.”

  “I did that?” she asks me on a whisper.

  “You did more than that, River. You taught me to love and you are teaching me still.”

  I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with air and River. I want her in every way possible.

  “I love you, River. I’m in love with you and I think—I hope—you’re a little bit in love with me too.”

  Chapter Sixty-Three

  “You love me?” I hear myself ask.

  Part of me knows this. Part of me hopes Liam loves me, but I’ve been afraid to trust myself. Part of me believes I’m tainted goods, not deserving of someone as beautiful inside and out as Liam.

  That’s the damage rape causes. It’s not just the physical. The physical damage is easier to get over. The body heals, cells regenerate, scars fade, but the anguish, the thoughts, the self-recrimination, the what-ifs—those stay far longer than anyone can guess or predict.

  I may forget about it for hours and even days, but then something happens, and it comes right back, fresh and intrusive like a paper cut. Invisible to most, but you know it’s there, and it hurts.

  “I do, I love you,” Liam says. “I’ve been in love with you for a while now. But I’ve been waiting and biding my time. I don’t want to put any pressure on you. I don’t want you to feel obligated to say the words back to m—”

  “I love you too,” I’m quick to reply. I can see the hope in his eyes and also a little bit of fear. Fear that I won’t love him back.

  His hand goes to my chest and my heart responds by picking up speed. I mimic his gesture and press my palm to his chest too. His heart responds to mine. We stay like this, looking into each other’s eyes, feeling each other’s hearts under the palms of our hands.

  Our hearts have a conversation of their own. Our lips follow their example and communicate without words. The kiss starts slow, teasing, just a touch, a light caress, a taste. Then a nibble, a lick, and the intensity grows. Liam is on the move now. He comes to the couch and settles on top of me, but he holds most of his weight on his hands and knees. He can’t touch me, but my hands are free and I make good use of them, tracing every muscle, every dip and ridge I can reach. I start with his biceps, travel up to his shoulders and back, cop a feel of his backside, then trace my fingers alongside the edges of the shorts low on his hips.

  Liam moans into my mouth. His arms tremble on either side of my shoulders. Muscles flex when his hands claw at the couch with the effort of holding himself up when I know all he wants to do is to drop his weight. I give him a nudge by wrapping my legs around his thighs and pulling him into me.

  I love the feel of his body on top of mine. Love the weight of him and how he fits so perfectly in the space between my open legs. I push my hips up into him, nibble his bottom lip, and break the kiss.

  “Liam?”

  “Yeah?” His eyes are dark with lust and alight with love.

  “You have too many clothes on.”

  His chuckle reverberates through my entire body.

  “What are you going to do about it?”

  I show him.

  My hands grab at the waistband of his shorts and I push them down his hips as far as I can and use my feet and legs to do the rest. It’s awkward and funny and we’re both laughing. Next, I pull his T-shirt up. He shifts his weight, and I pull one arm out at a time. He’s naked on top of me. The heat of his skin spreads fire on mine.

  “Now, who has too many clothes on?”

  I shift under him in response and tug my—err . . . his T-shirt off. My bare chest meets his when he lowers his body onto mine again. My nipples press into his hard chest. My stomach clenches in anticipation.

  He lifts his body a little and looks into the small space between us. I look too and I’m gifted with a vision I want burned into my mind forever. Ripples of taught muscles and a proud and erect cock rests millimeters above my belly.

  Liam leans against the back of the couch. His free hands trace the contours of my waist and hip and hooks on the side of my panties. He works his magic and takes them off me with one hand. I help by lifting my hips and I’m rewarded with the feel of his hardness against me.

  We’re both naked now. Skin on skin. Heat building between us and we haven’t done much more than kiss. The couch doesn’t give us much room to move, but our bodies press and push into each other, wanting, seeking, needy.

  “Fuck!” he says, frustration clear in his voice.

  “What?”

  “Condom. It’s all the way back in the bedroom.”

  The bedroom may as well be miles away instead of a few yards. Neither one of us wants to stop.

  “Liam?”

  “Yeah?” God, he’s beautiful.

  I hesitate. Look away from him, buying an extra second before I speak.

  “I’m on the pill.”

  His stare is so intense I have to look away. My teeth nibble on my bottom lip, but it’s too late to take the words back. What if he doesn’t want me like that? Bare? What if the idea disgusts him because of what happened before. What if—

  He shuts down the train wreck of thoughts in my mind with a kiss so fierce it bruises my lips. A second later he’s sliding inside of me. No hesitation, no pause, no holding back. He fills me up completely and shudders. Our lips part and his forehead touches mine, then drops to my shoulder.

  “Oh, God . . .” he moans into my neck.

  “I have . . .”

  Thrust.

  “Never . . .”

  Thrust.

  “Ever . . .”

  Thrust

  “Been . . .”

  Thrust.

  “Bare with anyone else before.”

  He stills inside of me this time. His hold on me tightens. He’s trembling, his skin covered in shivers. I hold Liam to me, wrapping myself around him, arms, legs and soul.

  “So good, so good, so good, babe.”

  His lips find mine, gentle, commanding, giving. He moves again—ripples of pleasure take over me, sail over my skin, roll under my spine, awaken a hunger in my body that demands satisfaction. I move with him, meeting each of his thrusts with one of my own. I lace my fingers into his hair, tugging him to me closer still.

  Our bodies move, find a tempo, building, building, building until I’m ready to explode.

  Crescendo.

  When the orgasm hits us—his and mine in synchronicity —it rips through us both, hot, blissful, a high like no other. It comes at me like a tsunami on a loop. Wave after wave of pleasure ripples over my body. I’m overtaken by a pleasure so intense, it hurts. It hurts in the best of ways. My lungs are robbed of air. My body convulses in sweet agony. It lasts seconds, minutes, days. All of eternity, contained in a moment of pure bliss.

  Liam’s body, still thrumming with rapid breaths, takes an extra minute to relax into mine. My own breath is shallow and rapid. As each heartbeat slows to normal, the weight of satisfaction settles over me like a warm blanket and I can feel myself drifting to sleep.

  I wake up hours later in my own bed with Liam curled around me. Big spoon and little spo
on style. The memory of him moving inside of me bare sends tingles over my skin. I don’t remember getting to my own bed. Liam must have carried me. I can’t believe I slept through it, and it feels like he cleaned me up too. A tinge of embarrassment mingles with a latent desire. Knowing he carried me and cleaned me up touches something inside of me, makes me feel more than loved, makes me feel cherished.

  Liam’s arm tightens around my waist, and he pulls me even closer to him.

  “Hey,” he murmurs into my hair. “You passed out on me. Scared me a little.”

  I turn just enough so I can look at him, the extra inch of space between our bodies already making me miss the touch of his bare skin on mine.

  “Knocked out by orgasms.” I giggle.

  The smile that takes over his face is so full of pride and self-satisfaction, it makes me laugh louder.

  “Well, luckily for you, I’m a corpsman and well trained in CPR and mouth-to-mouth.”

  “Yeah, want to show me some of that technique?”

  He does. Again.

  Chapter Sixty-Four

  It’s Halloween. There are parties everywhere, but we decided to stay in. Logan and Skye will be stopping by soon to try one of our newly-learned dishes. River and I have become quite proficient at cooking.

  Well, we can make about six or seven different meals really well and we rotate them with takeout, pizza, and Chinese. Because on some nights you just need General Tso’s Chicken, and our culinary skills haven’t expanded past Italy yet. Case in point, we’re making pasta primavera tonight.

  The doorbell rings again. Kids have been ringing the doorbell for the last hour. It started minutes after school ended for the day.

  “I’ll get it,” River calls out to me.

  I glance at her, taking in the sway of her hips as she walks to the door, grabbing a bucket of candy on the way. I sneak after her. She’s been running to the door every time the bell rings. She’s having as much fun passing out mini chocolate bars as the kids getting them. I watch as she waves to parents waiting by the curb and talks to the kids and jokes with them, making comments about their costumes in between all the “trick or treats” being thrown at her.

  A vision of a future where we’re the parents waiting at the curb and two little kids—our kids—walking up to someone’s door dressed for Halloween swims in my mind. I cuddle the vision, holding it close.

  Not yet. But one day, not too far in the future, it will be us. I can see our children. A spitfire little girl, as temperamental as her mother, and a boy with the patience of a saint.

  I laugh at the images playing in my head and River hears me. She waves to the departing kids and closes the door.

  “What?” she asks me.

  I shake my head. I’m not ready to share my vision for our future just yet. “Nothing—just enjoying you enjoying the kids.”

  She walks up to me and goes on tiptoes to kiss me. The kiss goes from chaste to scorching at lightning speed. All the bumping and rubbing against each other while preparing dinner in the small kitchen tonight has left us on edge. Not that it takes much.

  We’re still kissing by the open apartment door when Logan and Skye come in from the outside, bringing a gust of cold wind with them. River shivers in my arms, but we both know it has nothing to do with the temporary drop in temperature.

  “I could have you two arrested for lewd behavior, you know?”

  Skye laughs.

  We break apart, and River takes the offense.

  “You two should talk. I had to sleep with earbuds on more times than I can count, Mr. and Mrs. ohmygodohmygodohmygod.”

  Logan laughs and high fives me. Skye being Skye, just blushes.

  “Come on, let’s eat!”

  “You guys are getting really good at this cooking thing,” Logan says as he picks up the empty plates and brings them to the kitchen sink. “I must confess, the first time you invited us over and said you were cooking, I was a little scared.”

  Skye sends a warning glare his way.

  I look at River. “They had no faith in our culinary skills, babe.”

  “I had no faith in our culinary skills either,” she says with a laugh. “Who could ever imagine me being all domestic and playing house?”

  “I can,” I say before I can hold my tongue.

  River’s focus is on me. Is that . . . hope I see in her eyes?

  Epilogue

  Four Years Later

  I can’t believe we’re done with school. Well, I’m done. For a while at least. I’ll hold off on getting a PhD for a couple of years. Liam starts the second year of med school in the fall. I’m so proud of him. He finished undergrad in three years all the while holding a perfect 4.0.

  I have a job waiting for me in the clinic I have worked in for the past six years and to no one’s surprise, Liam never moved out. This roommate thing works well for us. I love waking up with him wrapped around me, especially in winter. The man is like a furnace. Who needs heat when I have Liam?

  He’s leaving a trail of kisses on my back and shoulders.

  “What are thinking about?” he asks.

  “About graduation. I can’t believe I’m done with college.”

  “I’m so proud of you. You looked hot in your graduation gown.” Liam turns me over, so I’m on my back now. He settles on top of me, his naked skin heating up mine. We’re both naked. I don’t think I have slept in PJs more than a handful of nights since he moved in. The man likes to sleep naked and demands I do the same. I secretly love it. And he probably knows I do too.

  “I kept picturing you naked under that gown and imagining no one but me knew about it.” The smile he gives me should be illegal in all fifty states.

  “Perv!” I smack his shoulder and run my fingers through his much shorter hair now. I kind of miss the long locks, but Liam cut it shorter when he started med school. He said he needed to look like a doctor and not a hot mess. I told him he was a hot mess I liked to fuck. That bought me another two weeks with the long hair. But I get it, his need to look professional, whatever that means. So, it’s short, but not so short I can’t still grab it. Liam loves it when I grab at his hair.

  “I got a video of you and Skye walking. Well, you walking and Skye wobbling. Logan was freaking out the whole time, afraid she would trip on the stairs and fall.”

  I giggle. “I know. He begged me to stay close to her and make sure she didn’t trip. You’d think she was about to give birth and not three weeks away from her due date.”

  “She does look like she could tip over any minute with that huge belly. Logan is half terrified and half euphoric about being a dad.”

  There’s a touch of longing in his voice. I pull his face to mine and kiss him. This is one of the things we never talk about. The future. It’s always been one day at a time. It works for us, but sometimes I wonder.

  All thoughts vanish when Liam deepens the kiss, taking it to another level, letting me know of his intentions for the next hour. His lips whisper silent promises into tiny kisses all over my face, neck, and shoulders. He lowers his head and finds my breasts.

  Touching each other, kissing, tasting—this never gets old. Each time is better than the last. Every time he touches me, my skin responds. My body thrums with unreleased energy.

  Liam is taking his time with me, but I’m impatient and I want him now. I tug at his hair and pull his head from his favorite place in my body.

  “Come up here, Liam. I want you inside of me.”

  He complies.

  “I’m drunk on the taste of you.”

  He enters me and I can’t help the sounds that leave me. I moan.

  His lips find mine and he kisses with everything he has. His hips move against mine. Ripples of pleasure dance on my skin. I’m simultaneously aware of every inch of my body and floating in the air, outside of myself.

  Liam shifts on top of me and reaches for something on the side of the bed. I open my eyes in question. He moves inside me a few more times and stills.


  “You feel so good all around me, River. So hot and soft. I think I could spend the rest of my life inside of you. I want the next one hundred years with your taste in my mouth and my dick in your pussy,” he says.

  “I love you and I love the way you feel inside me. All eight inches of you, but I don’t think it’s possible for you to spend the next one hundred years inside me,” I joke.

  He kisses me and smiles.

  “You wanna bet?” he says.

  Then he holds up a ring.

  “River, I love you. And I want to spend as much time as possible with you just like this. I want to be so deep inside of you, inside of your heart, inside of your mind, inside of your soul, that nothing and no one can ever come between us. Please say yes. Please let me be the one holding you for the rest of our lives.”

  I glance at the ring and back at Liam and then at the ring again. It’s beautiful. A center stone is surrounded by two smaller ones, set in white gold.

  “Did you just propose to me? While we’re naked and in bed?” I ask, because I have to make sure.

  “While we’re naked and in bed and fucking,” he replies.

  “Liam!”

  “Is that a yes?”

  “What am I going to say to my mother when she asks how you popped the question?”

  “You’ll say, ‘Well, Mom, it was very romantic. Liam was dick deep inside of me and said he wanted to fuck me forever, so I had to say yes, of course, because no better looking or better tasting dick has ever existed and I had to put a ring on it. Not a literal ring on the dick. We don’t really need that, but I’m sure Liam would do anything if I asked.’”

  He grins at me. I’m silent for all of five seconds before I burst out laughing.

  “I would too,” he says, a serious tone now. “I’ll do anything for you if you ask me. Anything. I love you. I love you more than I ever thought it possible to love someone, and I’m still waiting for that yes.”