Jumping Puddles

by Rachael Brownell

  “Um, sure. I need to shower first.” I hear the words coming out of my mouth and how small I sound, how uncertain. There’s no way he won’t notice.

  “It’s going to be fine, Charlie. I’ll be right there with you if you want.”

  He definitely noticed.

  Climbing out of bed, I slowly move around the room, gathering my things. In the shower, I take my time. There’s no need to rush, after all. They’ll be there whether we get there in five minutes or five hours. Truth be told, I’m stalling. I know it, and Blake knows it when I finally emerge an hour later, my hair still a mess and makeup haphazardly put on.

  That doesn’t stop him from pushing me forward, out the door, and into the car. Pulling out of the parking lot, I watch as the trees lining the street pass us by. Blake takes hold of my hand as he pulls the car to a stop. When I look over at him to ask why he stopped, I see for myself. Looking past him, out the window, is the entrance to the cemetery.

  “Do you want me to go with you?”

  Nodding my head, I know I need him for strength. Damn it. I never wanted to be this person. I’ve always relied on myself. It seems I’ve been relying on him more and more each day since Mr. Emeritt showed up at the house. I don’t like it, but I can’t change it. Not right now.

  Pulling Blake to a stop just outside the gate, I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and pray I can hold it together. This will be the first time I’ve been to see my parents. I don’t remember coming here to bury them. I don’t remember their funeral. These are all things I’ve buried deep in the depths of my memory.

  “You can do this.”

  Opening my eyes, I find Blake looking at me with a confident smile. “I can do this,” I echo, finding my inner strength.

  Hand in hand, we walk down the row of headstones. When Blake suddenly stops, I know he’s found them. Following his line of sight, I see a large granite stone a few rows up. The name ‘Hill’ visible from where we’re standing.

  “It might not be them,” I whisper.

  “Faith and Jeffrey?”

  It’s them. I knew it had to be, but I was hoping it wasn’t. We found them quickly, quicker than I’d hoped. I want more time to adjust, to prepare. I have no idea what I plan to say to them, to their grave marker. It’s been such a long time, I don’t even know where to begin.

  “Why don’t I wait for you in the car, Charlie? I know this is hard for you, but I feel like it’s going to be harder if I stay.”

  After kissing me softly on the cheek, Blake walks away, leaving me staring at my parents’ headstone from a distance. He’s right. I need to do this alone. I need to conquer this fear. It wouldn’t be any easier if he were here listening to me. If I need him, he’s only a short walk away.

  Slowly approaching, I run my hands over the stone, tracing the letters of my last name with the tips of my fingers, before taking a seat in the grass. There are so many things running through my head that the right words won’t come. So I sit in silence until the moment feels right.

  “I hope you’re proud of me. I know you can’t tell me, but I’d like to think you are. I’ve been strong since you died, since Aunt Mary died. I got lucky, though. I landed with an amazing couple. They took me in, treat me well, and love me like I’m their own. You’d like them. Scott’s a doctor and Alice is a stay at home mom. Well, I’m the only kid, but you know what I mean.”

  My emotions getting the best of me, I pause and collect my thoughts. I don’t want to talk about Alice and Scott. It’s too weird. Telling my parents about my new parents.

  “I guess I should say thank you. Mr. Emeritt came to see me last month. He told me about your will. It looks like you’re still taking care of me in a way. I’ll be set for college and long after that. Aunt Mary did the same. Blake and I are headed to the house this afternoon. I’m scared to see it. I’m scared it’ll bring back memories of you guys that have been buried for years. I was so young. You were so young.

  “But Blake will be there to hold me up if I falter. You would like him, too. He’s been an amazing friend, and well, I’m sure you know we’re more than just friends. I love him. One day, I hope we have the same kind of love you guys shared. The unconditional kind. It feels like we’re headed in that direction, but only time will tell. We’re still young and just getting started out in life. I know he’ll always be there for me, and I always want him there, here, with me.”

  The tears began to flow freely as soon as I started to talk about the house. I changed the subject to Blake, but that didn’t stop them from falling. More than anything, it made me think of the way my parents used to look at each other, how they used to look at me. I remember how much my parents loved me, how much they loved each other. I can feel it, sitting here with them.

  “So, I think I’m going to go now. I’ll be back before I leave town, I promise. There’s so much more I’d like to share with you.”

  Pushing myself up off the ground, I trace the outline of my last name again. Looking over my shoulder before I pass through the gate, I envision my parents blowing kisses and waving to me. I know they’re not there, but I pretend they are and blow them a kiss back.

  “That didn’t take long. Are you okay?” Blake asks the second I open the car door.

  “Yeah, actually, I am.”

  Confused by my demeanor and confidence, Blake gives me a speculative look before starting the engine and letting the car idle. “Where to?”

  “I think I’m ready to go see the house.”

  “Okay. Do you want to get something to eat first?”

  My stomach growls on cue, causing me to laugh. “I think that’s a good idea.”

  “Back to the bar?”

  “No. I don’t think I can handle that much grease right now. Why don’t we pop over to a neighboring town and see if we can’t find a diner or something.”

  Five minutes outside of town, we come across a small restaurant already packed with lunch patrons. After waiting a few minutes for a table, Blake and I take our seats, browsing the menu while we wait. I count two waitresses running around and almost twenty tables. They’re both smiling as they move from table to table as if this is how things always are. Maybe this is normal. Maybe they’re good at hiding when they're overwhelmed. I’d be in a corner rocking back and forth right now from the pressure, so kudos to them.

  After the peppy waitress takes our order, Blake decides to slide into the booth seat next to me. I can tell he’s up to something by the devious grin on his face but I can’t imagine what.

  “Not that I don’t love practically sitting in your lap but…” I let my voice trail off, hoping he’ll supply me with answers to the question I didn’t ask.

  “I just want to be close to you. We only have one more night here, and then we have to head back to reality. I figure I’ll keep you as close as possible until then.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “And I’m proud of you.”

  That’s what I was looking for. I knew he left something out.

  “I’m proud of me, too. Thank you for being there, or rather, not being there. I’d like to go back before we leave town tomorrow, you know, to say goodbye.”

  “Whatever you want.”

  I make Blake move back to his side of the booth once our food arrives. It takes some convincing, and a few jabs to the ribs, but finally he caves. I try to take part in our conversation, but my mind keeps wandering off as I pick at my salad. Finally, Blake gives up and focuses on his food. I feel bad, but only for a moment, because the waitress reappears with our check and my attention is drawn away again.

  I offer to pay for lunch, which almost causes a fight. Blake insists since I bought the plane tickets, he should be paying for everything else. I know he can afford it, but that doesn’t mean I feel right about it. This was my trip, my idea. If he hadn’t pushed me on that plane, we wouldn’t be here. I should be picking up the tab. Blake doesn’t listen to reason, though, and I give in.

  Pulling in the driveway of the house, I
’m hit with a flood of memories all at once. I remember my mother teaching me how to do cartwheels in the front yard. My father taught me how to ride my bike at the park across the street. Millie and I used to picnic in the backyard whenever she came over to babysit.

  “We had a dog,” I say, suddenly remembering the black lab that used to chase me around. “I don’t remember his name.”

  “I’m sure it will come back to you in time.”

  “How did I forget about my dog?”

  Blake doesn’t respond. Instead, he gets out of the car and comes around and opens my door, extending his hand to help me out.

  “Mr. Emeritt said he would leave you a key, right?”

  “Yeah. Under the front mat.”

  “Well, are you ready to go inside?”

  Looking around one last time, I head to the front porch, bending over to retrieve the house key. It’s right where he said it would be, and there’s a note with it.

  “What’s it say?”

  “He says to keep the key. The house is mine, so I guess he figured I would be moving in.”

  “Well, have you thought about it?”

  “I need to figure out what I’d like to do after graduation first.”

  “I thought you were planning to come to Santa Barbara.”

  That’s right. We never did finish that conversation. “Maybe. That’s one option. Can we talk about the future later?”

  “Of course. Let’s go inside.”

  I slide the key in the lock, disengage it, and push the door open. The house looks as if someone is still living inside it. The furniture is old, outdated by more than a decade, but the air smells fresh as if someone’s just finished cleaning. I’m going to have to remember to send him a thank you note for keeping his promise to my parents. It’s the least I can do.

  After checking out the house, including my childhood bedroom which looks as if a six-year-old still lives in it, Blake and I lock up the house and head back to the hotel. My emotions are in overdrive. I managed to keep it together while we were there. Now, as my memories are becoming clearer, I feel the need to let it all out, so I do. Thankfully, Blake holds me as I cry myself to sleep, calling out for my parents and the life that was stolen from me.

  AFTER OUR TRIP TO Georgia, Blake and I began spending every other weekend together. Either I would drive down to see him at school, or he would come home. It was nice to be able to spend more time with him. In fact, we’ve spent more time together in the last two months than we had since before he left for college.

  College. It’s weird to think in a few short months, I’ll be starting classes, too. I got accepted into UCLA for fall semester. I have no idea what I want to study, but I do know I’ll get farther in this world with a degree than without one. Plus, I can figure out the details later on. At least, Alice seems to think I have plenty of time to make up my mind.

  He’s traveling back to New York this summer. His boss called and offered him another position, one where he won’t be his assistant this time. Blake was hesitant at first, and so was I. He didn’t accept until after we talked it through. Blake wanted to make sure I was okay with him being gone again for most of the summer. I only had one condition. He had to promise he wouldn’t miss my graduation.

  You know what they say, though. Promises are made to be broken.

  “Hey, babe. Are you ready for this weekend?” I can barely contain my excitement and I’m sure Blake can hear it.

  “Charlie.” The way he says my name tells me everything I need to know. My heart is broken already, and he hasn’t even said he won’t be able to be here.

  “We had a deal. You promised.” The switch has been flipped, and I’m sure he can hear it. I just went from happy-go-lucky to giving the phone a death glare in half a second.

  “If there was any way I could make it, you know I would be there in a heartbeat.”

  “Then be here. You don’t need that job. You don’t even want to go into fashion photography,” I scream into the receiver.

  “I can’t. I want to but I just… I can’t, Charlie. I’m so sorry.”

  “I can’t believe this. We talked about this for almost a week. You said your boss promised you the time off. What am I supposed to do? We were going to check out places in LA. The entire weekend is ruined.”

  “I’ll make it up to you,” he pleads. “I promise. As soon as I can, I’ll come back.”

  “Sure. Sounds great.” I can hear someone hollering for him in the background. “I guess I’ll talk to you later, then.”

  I hang up the phone before he can reply. It’s for the best, anyway. There were so many things I wanted to say, most of which would bring an end to our relationship. I’ve found I’m not the nicest person when I’m angry. In fact, I’m a borderline bitch. I have two days to shake it off before I have to walk across the stage and collect my diploma. Two very long days I’ll probably spend being pissed off at Blake.

  GOING THROUGH THE motions, I slide one arm and then the other into my robe. Zipping it up the front, I grab my hat and tassel. As I pass the mirror, I catch my reflection, and a sense of accomplishment hits me. I’m graduating today. I made it. After all I’ve been through in my lifetime, I’ve managed to push through the hard times and come out on the other side. I’m about to be a high school graduate.

  Looking closer, I realize I look awful. I’m sure no one looks good in these shapeless graduation robes. At least mine is white and not the yellowish-orange the boys are wearing today. I can see the outline of my body and a hint of pink from my dress through the robe, but I don’t care. All I care about is the fact I’m about to leave high school behind me and move on to the next stage in my life.

  Thinking about the future makes me think about Blake. I’m still angry with him. We haven’t spoken since I hung up on him the other day. He’s called, several times in fact. Alice has been great at covering for me. I figure I’ll start taking his calls next week. Right now, I need to figure out what I want. I need to focus on me and my life. I want Blake to be a part of that life but only if he gets his priorities straight.

  My priorities are in line. Tomorrow, Alice, Scott, and I are going to head to LA in the morning to find an apartment for me. They said I could stay through the summer if I wanted to, but I already feel like a burden on them. Sure, I can pay for my own things now, but I’m still an extra mouth to feed. I offered to pay rent, and Scott got offended, so I dropped the subject and haven’t brought it up since.

  Once we find me somewhere “safe” to live—according to Scott—they’ll let me move to LA. Thankfully, I can afford a nicer place in a good part of town. I’m hoping this makes the search a little easier. Alice and I spent the week looking on the internet for places, calling and setting up appointments. Our list is short because of Scott’s criteria: it has to have a secure entrance, a place where people can’t just walk up to my door and knock; it can’t be too close to downtown but not too far away from the city, either; near UCLA is an option if he thinks I won’t be distracted by other students and parties. The list goes on and on.

  We have three places to look at tomorrow. I’m excited to get out on my own. Scott’s nervous and paranoid. Alice—she’s excited for what happens after I find a place. Shopping.

  While we searched for apartments this week, Alice also spent time making a list of everything I would need to purchase for my new place once I found it. Furniture. Linens. A bedroom set. Kitchen gadgets. Her list is four times as long as Scott's and twice as detailed.

  I love the both of them so much. I’m sad I’m moving out, but I also know if I ever needed to come back, to come home, I could. This place is my home. Scott and Alice are my family. They’re not my foster parents; they are my parents. Blood-related or not, these people love me just as much as they would love a child they created themselves. And I love them just as much as they love me, maybe more.

  A single tear forms in the corner of my eye, and I wipe it away before my emotions get the best of me and the flood g
ates open. When Alice calls me from the bottom of the stairs, I know it’s time to go. It’s time to graduate. The next chapter of my life is about to begin. The only thing missing right now is Blake’s presence.

  SCOTT WOULDN’T LET US look at the first apartment. He drove right past the complex, stating the neighborhood wasn’t safe enough. The second apartment was really nice but “not secure enough” according to him. He had a point. I was going to be living alone, and there was no real security to keep out the riff-raff.

  The last apartment had Scott’s vote before we even got out of the car. It didn’t look this nice on-line. They should really update their website.

  We pull up to the gate, and a security guard comes out of his little office to greet us. He asks for our names, and Scott gives him all the information he needs. After checking out our information, he gives us directions to the clubhouse, and the gate lifts, allowing us access to the property.

  After looking at two different floor plans and talking it over as a family, I sign a one-year lease. My rent is outrageous, but the place is worth it. I have my own private patio, laundry, and parking garage. The building I’m in surrounds a beautifully landscaped courtyard, complete with a water fountain and benches to relax on. There’s a pool on-site and a private gym if I ever decide to work out.

  With my keys in hand, Alice decides we need to begin the tedious process of shopping for everything. She has her heart set on getting me fully set-up in one day. Scott and I share a look, knowing she’s not going to give this up without a fight, and even then we’d probably let her win. After convincing her we should get something to eat first, we agree to the shopping spree.

  It’s after five by the time we finish dinner, and Alice still wants to shop. We have a six-hour drive ahead of us. If we’re going to shop, we’re going to need to stay overnight. Alice agrees instantly, still excited. Scott and I give in when we see how excited she is.