Love's Courage

by Mokopi Shale

  “Hi, everyone,” Thandi greets them.

  They all greet back. Richard, Joy and Lesego return to what they were doing, and Kenneth focuses on Thandi.

  “I didn’t know you were going to be here,” she says. “You should’ve told me; we could’ve combined our resources.”

  Kenneth gives her a noncommittal smile and a vague shrug. “Who are you here with?” he asks.

  “Gladys Mthenjwa and Simon Fuller,” she responds.

  “Wow, hanging out with the paparazzi.”

  “They’re people too; they aren’t always on the clock. So, is this a private do or can we come and join you? We’re quite a lonely party way over there.” Thandi slashes a feline smile at the members of the group.

  Kenneth can hardly say no, as there is plenty of space where they are. “Sure,” he says slightly reluctantly.

  Thandi picks up her phone, walks a little way off and calls her friends. They bring their camping chairs and cooler bags; greetings are exchanged and introductions made. When Lesego finds out what these people do for a living, she gives Kenneth a fearful look, but he seems unconcerned.

  Gladys turns out to be quite a barracuda, asking Kenneth all sorts of questions about himself and his position. Not used to being reserved with Lesego, he hauls her over into his lap during a lull in the conversation and practically mauls her in front of the others. Richard and Joy are amused, because they are used to such behaviour. Gladys and Simon smile stiffly, and Thandi not at all. She had not been sure what was going on between them, but this display confirms it. Her bitterness at missing out on the man who was once dubbed bachelor of the year overwhelms her.

  She asks Gladys to walk her to the loos and, while there, paints a dire picture of corruption that would excite any journalist. Gladys sends Simon a message to take pictures of Kenneth and Lesego having it off, promising to explain everything later.

  * * *

  Kenneth arrives at work whistling on Monday. On his way in, he gets an SMS from Lesego:

  Have you seen the morning papers?

  No, why?

  he responds.

  You better check them out.

  As he enters his office, his assistant closes the paper hurriedly and gives him an apologetic smile. Kenneth takes the paper from her and opens it as the girl quickly leaves. On the front page is a picture of him kissing Lesego and the headline:

  Sefalana contracts negotiated

  between the sheets?

  Kenneth’s blood runs cold. He reads the rest of the article; it was written by Gladys, and of course Simon took the picture. Severely stressed, he rubs his head and storms out to go and talk to his boss.

  “What do I do, Patrick? I worried that this would happen! Should I resign?”

  “You did nothing wrong, Kenneth. Even without your vote, the project would have gone through. It assists us with meeting our objectives, has merit, came through the right and proper channels, and was reviewed by a panel that unanimously decided it had merit,” Patrick pacifies him. “You met this woman independently of this process, you declared your relationship with her to your direct manager as well as the GM, and you are no longer involved as fund manager.”

  “But it throws doubt upon the merit of our processes and brings the organisation into disrepute. I should probably resign,” a deeply despondent Kenneth answers. Suddenly another alarming thought strikes him. “Is there any chance at all that the funding for the project could be withdrawn because of this? Or suspended?”

  “A slight one, if political pressure is exerted. If this doesn’t blow over in the next few days, we’ll release a statement.”

  “You know, Lesego will probably want to end this now because of this. She’s been worried that it will affect my career, and now this. How could those barracudas have found out the circumstances . . .”

  Suddenly Kenneth realises the truth. “Thandi . . . God! Could she be so devious and spiteful? She was at the picnic with the journalist and her photographer, and she didn’t look too pleased that I was with Lesego. I told you, when she first started here, she tried to get me into her bed. But I was already enamoured of Lesego, plus Thandi isn’t my type, so I turned her down. I guess she’s been holding out hopes that Lesego and I would break up . . . But to do this! How twisted can a woman be? This impacts on the reputation of everyone here!” Kenneth says incredulously. “I’m going to talk to her.”

  “I wouldn’t if I were you. Anyone who works in HR and is that bent on revenge, could find a way to lay a grievance against you, just to rub salt into the wound,” Patrick warns.

  Kenneth makes for the door and then stops, rubbing his head. “I’m really sorry about this, Patrick. I’ll do whatever you say to make this better. You mustn’t be afraid to take the measures you see fit to save this organisation. The work that we do is too important to be besmirched by the scheming of a demented woman.”

  “If I need to act, what would you do?” Patrick asks.

  “Well, as you know, I’ve been playing the markets and investing my money with quite satisfactory results. I’ve been toying with a few ideas for heritage and culture projects, and maybe it’s time to think seriously about those . . . I’ll be fine, don’t worry. I just hope that Lesego doesn’t take this with power, as they say in the townships.”

  Kenneth puts his head in his hands, collects himself and then says, “Let’s wait a few days and see what happens. I’ll think seriously about resigning to save you the pain of having to ask me to go on leave or fire me. Okay?”

  Patrick nods and Kenneth walks out.

  Back in his office, he picks up the phone and calls Lesego. “Where are you?”

  “I’m at home. You won’t believe how many people have called me, all of them shocked and wanting what they think are the dirty secrets. I told them nothing. But I had to call my father and explain everything to him. How did this get out, Kenneth?” she asks.

  “Thandi.”

  “No way . . . Does she still fancy you?” she asks.

  “I didn’t think so . . . But I guess it’s true: hell hath no fury . . . !” he says mockingly. Then he becomes serious and asks her, “How do you really feel about this?”

  “I worried that this would happen, and that it would blow up in your face. But you said it was okay, and now it isn’t and you could lose your job. I’m deeply distressed, if you want to know,” she answers, trying hard to breathe normally.

  “Everything is okay; HR knows, my boss knows and I’m no longer involved in the project,” Kenneth tries to comfort her. “If it is re-evaluated, an independent panel would draw the same conclusion we did: this project has great merit. I’ve been thinking about moving on anyway and if they ask me to step down, I will.”

  “No, wait!” she says.

  “No, you wait, baby . . .You’ve inspired me by following your calling and bravely moving forward with a project that contributes something meaningful to the marginalised. Over the years I’ve had a few ideas for projects that I tried to give to people, but none of them were interested or able to pull them off . . . So I have options.”

  “But your reputation . . . How will you get funding? You have to live, pay for a house and car, and you’re responsible for your brother’s schooling. This is such a disaster. Maybe we should cool it for a while?”

  “No way. I’m fine and I’ll keep on being fine, don’t worry. I’d rather have you in my life than this job, anyhow. You mean more to me than anything.”

  “Oh, Kenneth . . . Poverty isn’t romantic. It’s hard to keep love alive when you’re struggling with the bills. Believe me, I’ve been there. Promise me you’ll try hard to keep this job.”

  “I’ll do my best. Otherwise you could always hire me and save me from the poorhouse,” he says, trying to lighten her mood.

  “Imagine the headlines then! God, what a mess!”

  “Lesego, promise me you won’t get stressed out about this. I’ll be fine. Remember, when God closes a door, he always opens a window. Perhaps this i
s the end of a period in my life that I’ve been trying to step away from. Maybe I need to stop all this desperate clinging to security.”

  Believing he is just trying to put her mind at ease, Lesego worries even more. “Let’s not see each other until this blows over. Please, Kenny. I don’t want you to lose your job because of me. Please.”

  “Fine then, let’s give it two days,” he says with a sigh. “If it doesn’t blow over, then I’ll have to make a decision as an honourable man. Does that work for you?”

  “Yes . . . I have to go; I have a meeting.”

  Lesego ends the call, her hand trembling.

  Chapter 7

  7

  The week comes to an end, and the media frenzy has increased. Nepotism is the topic of the day on talk radio . . . Is it right? What if the project has merit? What purpose does declaring serve if people still sit on panels that approve proposals by significant others? Does recusal work?

  Lesego and Kenneth are being harassed; everyone wants a statement or comment from them. She is depressed and fearful of losing the funding for the project, and worried that Kenneth will be fired. She yearns to be held tightly in his arms and have him tell her that it will all be okay, but she worries that if she shows how much she needs him, honourable as he is, he will feel compelled to stay with her. So even though it kills her, she refuses to take his calls, shuts herself in her house and only communicates with her colleagues via email, making Kenneth increasingly frustrated.

  By the beginning of the following week political pressure is being exerted. Kenneth offers to take an extended leave of absence and a relieved Patrick accepts.

  Thandi shows up in his office and asks, “How are you doing?”

  “I’ve been better,” Kenneth states coldly.

  She scoffs at his tone and the look of disgust in his eyes, then says cuttingly, “A letter was issued to your little friend today. Funding for the project will be suspended until an internal audit of the tender process has been completed and the project has been officially declared above board.”

  All the colour leaves his face. “You know, Thandi, bitterness and hate make you ugly. Obviously you’ve never asked yourself why men run away from you. It’s because you reek of malice, which repels any right-minded man. I hope one day you can get rid of all this anger that drives you to do such hateful things. Because until you do, you’ll always be alone. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some work to finish before I leave.”

  Kenneth coldly dismisses her by turning to his phone and starting to dial. Thandi storms out of the office. He finishes off and leaves in a hurry.

  He arrives at Lesego’s place and lets himself in with the keys she gave him. He finds her on her couch under a quilt, halfway through a box of tissues, and rushes over to her.

  “Oh, baby . . . I’m sooo sorry. This shouldn’t have happened.”

  “But it did. All because I chose to be selfish and think only of myself for once. I forgot about my responsibilities, and now everything hangs in the balance. You said it would be okay and blow over . . . But now everything’s gone to shit!” Lesego’s voice cracks and tears are flowing down her face.

  Kenneth pulls her close and she surrenders, wanting the comfort, but then stiffens.

  “No . . . no . . . This is what got us into trouble in the first place; giving in to what we want. Thinking only of ourselves. What about our families who need us? What about all those people who were promised jobs? God, I fucked up – pardon the pun!” she says bitterly.

  This last statement is like a blow in Kenneth’s face and he reels with shock. “You’re upset, now you’re saying things you don’t mean,” he begins, but she cuts him off.

  “I do mean it, Kenny. What did I lose all that for? A roll in the hay with a man who probably won’t even stick around?” she says despondently.

  “You haven’t lost anything, Lesego! The process was fair; it was within PFMA regulations and this project has immense merit. The investigation will discover that.”

  “But what about political pressure? The public is calling out for blood and examples have to be made of corrupt public officials; you’ve seen the number of arrests for corruption. I don’t think they’ll arrest you, but the entire project hangs in the balance. The government can’t be seen to be aiding corrupt individuals out to enrich themselves by abusing public funds. What if they decide that I’d make the perfect example?”

  “They won’t, and if you take some time to think about it, you’ll realise that. Listen to me, Lesego. Look at me.”

  She turns a tear-streaked face to him.

  “I’ve been meaning to find a way to say this to you, to find the perfect moment . . . Sometimes you don’t get perfect moments, only the moments that you’re given. You’ve changed my life; you’ve made me see everything in such a different way, given me the courage to act on my desires and shown me what life should be like. I know that you think I’m only in this for as long as the thrills last, but I’m not.”

  He gently takes her chin in his hand. “I love you, Lesego, and I’d like you to give us the chance to see where this may lead. An honest chance, not just a half-hearted effort. Will you do that? Will you give us that chance?”

  Lesego is horrified by what Kenneth is saying. On the one hand she is overjoyed that she means so much to him, but on the other hand she feels that this situation is showing her just how unsuited to each other they are. She has never been truly serious about anyone; she isn’t even sure she knows what that really means. She still has so much to accomplish. What if he stands in her way? What if the usual happens: she gives him what he wants and he realises he doesn’t want it? Can she risk it?

  She feels a cold, crawling feeling that is fear mixed with a sense of impending doom travelling up her legs to settle like cold phlegm in the pit of her stomach and realises she is terrified. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she says, “I can’t, Kenneth . . . I’m sorry, I’ve risked everything to be with you and it hasn’t paid off. How do I know you mean it? You’re a man and men only want what they can’t have; as soon as you make it available to them, they run in the opposite direction . . . What we had was very real to me. But you’re making it into more than it was meant to be and so it won’t last. And then as usual I’ll be the one left crying.”

  “Not with me,” he says, but she insists.

  “No, I can’t. You’re a good man, and one day maybe you’ll be ready for what you’re talking about, but I don’t think I believe that you are right now. If the pressure increases, will you stand by me, or will you throw me to the wolves? It’s a dog-eat-dog world, Kenny; you have responsibilities, as I do. Let’s end this while we still have affection for each other and can cherish our memories of the good times we had together. Please.”

  Her words are like a blow to the solar plexus. Kenneth looks into her face and seeing the fear there, he realises that she isn’t ready. He bows his head slightly, reeling with hurt. Running his hand over his face, he slowly takes a breath and releases it.

  Then Kenneth pulls her into his arms. At first Lesego is rigid with shock, but soon she melts and wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him as if her life depends on it. He realises that she does care for him, but right now too much is happening for her to handle. He is tempted to make love to her, but controls himself and just gives her one last lingering kiss.

  “It’s easy to hate someone, and even easier to reject someone,” he says huskily. “It takes deep courage to accept someone into your life and give them your heart in exchange for theirs. You have mine, Lesego, whether you believe it or not, whether you want it or not. You won it from me by just being you.”

  He strokes his hand lovingly down her face. “Here’s your key. I have some damage control to do and plans to make. You have my number; call me when you’re ready.”

  He gets up and walks to the door. She follows and opens the garage doors for him. She watches him reverse out, check the road and drive off. The fact that he doesn’t look back even
once cuts through her heart like a knife.

  How did she really expect him to react? Lesego chastises herself. Grovel at her feet? Debase himself to win her over? He is a man, and a man has to hold on to some pride.

  She rubs her face, distressed and wondering what to do. It all seems insurmountable.

  * * *

  Kenneth consults his lawyers, who advise him to release a statement to deal with the libellous claims, thus setting the record straight once and for all. He first passes this by Patrick, then calls Joy. She is the producer of a popular radio talk show and he wants to appear on it to release his statement and discuss everything that has happened. Joy is over the moon. This is a scoop!

  Although sad about Lesego, Kenneth feels excited. He has finally made a decision about where to head in his life. He thought long and hard about what he wants to do, what he loves to be involved in and what he is good at, and soon realised what his next step should be. He can’t believe that this has not crossed his mind before. He decides to use the connections he has picked up over the years, calls all his wealthy friends and invites them to a cocktail function.

  Lesego is in her home office, working on scripts, when her phone rings.

  “Still hiding at home?” Joy asks. “If so, listen to my show today; there’s something you need to take note of.”

  “What now? More airy-fairy messages of comfort?” Lesego sighs. “I’m not in the right frame of mind for stuff like that.”

  “Just listen to it, man. It’s nothing spiritual or anything like that. But it could prove interesting in your current situation,” Joy says, clearly exasperated.

  “Okay, I’ll think about it,” Lesego says against her will.

  Joy says goodbye and Lesego wonders what this is all about. Looking at the clock, she sees that the show will start in fifteen minutes. She is truly undecided . . . Why would Joy want her to listen? She decides to do some work and focus on something else for a while.