In a Lifetime

by Ariadne Wayne

  “Where’s Sam? Is he home?”

  At that, she sniffed, letting out a sob, and she pushed harder at the door.

  “I’m not letting you shut me out. You’re worrying the crap out of me now. Let me in. Tell me what’s happening.”

  She let go of the door, turning back inside, and I followed her in, flicking on the lamp just inside the living room.

  Soft light flooded the room. She sat on the couch, her shoulders slumped, and she looked at the floor, avoiding my eyes.

  Something was wrong, really wrong, and I knelt in front of her, listening to the sound of her gasping.

  “Ella,” I said softly.

  Reluctantly she raised her head, and my heart pounded as I looked at her. This was even worse than the previous times I’d seen her upset. Her usually rosy cheeks were devoid of all colour. She looked empty, like she’d lost every part of herself and was just a hollow shell.

  If Sam had done this to her, he was no longer any friend of mine.

  I didn’t know what to say. I took her chin in my hand and raised her face to meet mine while I took a closer look. She closed her eyes and I let go, wrapping my arms around her, wanting to protect her and shut out whatever horrible thing had upset her. Ella was truly broken.

  She stiffened at first before relaxing into my embrace, crying on my shoulder. The warm tears ran down the back of my shirt, but it didn’t matter. She needed me.

  “I need to know what’s wrong,” I whispered.

  She shook her head violently, pulling away from me and curling into a foetal position on the couch.

  “How can I help fix what’s wrong if you don’t tell me?”

  “You can’t fix it. No one can.” A hiccup came from her as she spoke, still talking through the tears. “I need you to leave.”

  “Like hell I will. I’m not leaving you in this state. Where’s Sam?”

  “Gone,” she whispered.

  “Gone where?” This was driving me insane. I had no intention of leaving the house yet.

  She swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “He’s gone, Matt. He’s left me.”

  Lost for words, I stared for a moment. Sam had left her? That made no sense. Sure, he’d been cranky over this infertility thing, but he loved her. They loved one another.

  “Are you sure?”

  Ella sucked in her lower lip, and I gripped her arm in the hope that it would steady her, give her the strength to tell me the whole story.

  “He’s with someone else now.”

  I stood and moved to sit on the couch beside her. She shrugged, and I pulled her into my arms and just held her again, rocking her as she cried. This was unbelievable.

  If I understood what she was saying, he’d given it all up for what? Ella adored him, would have done anything for him, and had driven herself crazy trying for a baby all because he thought it was the right time.

  “I’m pregnant, Matt.” Her eyes filled with tears. As they rolled down her cheeks, I raised my hand and wiped the drops with my thumb.

  “Does he know?” I asked, even more incredulous that Sam had done this.

  Ella shook her head. “I didn’t get as far as telling him. He was too busy telling me that he was having a baby with some other woman.”

  “He what?” I continued to stare as she nodded. He’d complained about how obsessed Ella had been about conceiving, but I’d never thought for a moment that he’d screw around behind her back.

  “I’m so sorry, Ella.”

  “You don’t have to stay. He’s your friend. You should see him, find out for yourself what he’s up to.”

  I growled. “If I saw him now, I’d only do something I’d regret. I just can’t believe it. Never in a million years did I think he’d do that to you. I had no idea.”

  “He hasn’t said anything to you?”

  I shook my head. “No. I know he was going a little nuts with the infertility stuff, but you both were. I really thought you’d come through it together.” I kissed her forehead, and she snuggled into my chest, her breathing slowing as she calmed.

  “I’m not going anywhere.” I squeezed her gently.

  “What am I going to do?”

  “Let me make you something to eat; maybe you could have a shower or bath to relax, and then I’ll tuck you in to bed. You look exhausted, and that can’t be good for you or the baby.”

  Her head moved against my chest as she nodded. “What would I do without you?”

  I stared out the window into the darkness outside. “You will never, ever need to find that out.”

  We sat for what felt like forever, Ella still and silent except for the occasional deep breath. At least I’d stopped her from weeping, and it seemed as if I’d calmed her.

  Another time, other circumstances, and I would have been over the moon to hold her. But my anger bubbled away, and I had to fight it from coming to the surface. Not until I was face to face with Sam.

  “I’ll make us something to eat. Okay?”

  She nodded, squeezing me tight before letting go, looking up at me with those big, sad eyes. “Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

  “You don’t need to thank me. How could I be anywhere else but here?”

  She sighed. “I feel awful. Here you are, invited for what should have been a wonderful, happy evening, and you get this.”

  I reached for her face, tilting her chin up to look her in the eyes. “I’m where I need to be.” Where I always wanted to be.

  “I’ll go and see what’s in the kitchen and make us some dinner. Something with cheese?”

  Her lips twitched as she seemed to fight a smile. “Sounds good.”

  I kissed her on the nose and stood. As much to get away as anything. Her being so close brought so much temptation despite knowing what she was going through. This wasn’t the time to act badly and make any kind of move. But being close to her had also dissipated the anger, at least for the moment.

  Sam Mason could go to hell.

  It didn’t matter that I’d known him since kindergarten. That we’d played sport together, got our first girlfriends at the same time, been joined at the hip. Like brothers. All this time, I’d felt like I’d betrayed that closeness with the feelings I’d had for Ella.

  Now Sam had hurt us both.

  Even in talking to me about the bad times, he’d never mentioned anyone else. There had been no hint that he was screwing around, nothing to indicate that he wanted anyone but Ella. Even if they were having a rough time of it.

  He’d lied to me.

  I found bread in the kitchen, bread and a block of cheese. Soon the kitchen filled with the smell of grilled cheese sandwiches. They were quick and easy, and when we were finished, I’d run a bath for Ella so she could soak and cry some more if she needed. Anything to help ease the pain.

  I couldn’t imagine what she was going through. Finally her dream came true, only for her world to come crashing down around her.

  When I closed my eyes, I saw their wedding, saw the love on both of their faces, saw the flickers of lust in Sam’s eyes. I’d envied him so much that day, but I had no feeling for him now.

  I carried two plates out to the living room. Ella sat, leaning against the arm of the couch, all her energy drained. I’d never seen her so deflated.

  “I made these. Hope you like them.”

  She peeked between the pieces of bread and smiled. “These are such great comfort food.”

  “And they’ll help line your stomach if you’re hungry. Which I’d imagine you are, given that it’s dinnertime and you’re eating for two now.”

  The smile grew a little. “I can’t believe I’m pregnant. After all this time.” Her eyes grew sad, and I knew she was thinking of Sam.

  “I’m sorry, Ella.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “I know, but I still feel guilty. Maybe if I’d been here, I could have seen what was happening, stopped Sam from doing this.”

  She took the tiniest bite
of her sandwich, closing her eyes as she chewed. She was so full of pain and holding it together because I was here, holding her hand and supporting her through what was probably the best and worst day of her life. My chest ached at the thought of just how heartbroken she must be.

  “He said I could keep the house. I don’t think he’s interested in anything we ever had.”

  He just told me how much he loved you. What is wrong with him?

  “This house is you. It always has been. You moved in and it became so Ella-like; I doubt he wants to take that from you.”

  She nodded. “I don’t know if I can stay here, though. Not like this.”

  I reached out, resting my hand on hers. “Give it some time. Don’t make every decision today.”

  “What do I do?”

  I smiled. “Eat your sandwich.”

  Again, the tiny smile crossed her lips. “Yes, boss.”

  She closed her eyes again as she ate and sighed. This wasn’t the night either of us had planned, but this was what we’d been left to deal with.

  When we’d both eaten, I took the plates away and slotted them in the dishwasher. Standing in the doorway, I smiled at her. “I’ll go and sort out this bath for you.”

  “Thanks, Matt.”

  I left the kitchen and turned right for the bathroom, just off the hallway leading to the bedrooms. The bathtub was huge and would take a while to fill. I smiled at the memory of Ella telling me this was one of the things she loved about this house. The house she’d bought with the man she thought she’d spend her life with.

  It didn’t matter what I tried to fill my thoughts with—what Sam had done kept hitting me straight between the eyes.

  In the vanity unit, I found a big bottle of bubble bath, and as I turned the taps, I poured in a good measure to make it soft and bubbly. The more I could do to relax Ella, the better. The last thing she needed was the stress.

  The scent of honey rose from the bath, and I smiled, realising at least one of the reasons why Ella smelled the way she did. Soon the room was full of that scent. I’d done the right thing; surrounding her with the familiar might just help.

  I sat beside the bath, running my fingers through the water, making sure it was the right temperature, and losing myself in thought over what had just happened.

  I’d gone into automatic pilot, taking care of her, but at the base of it all, what the hell was Sam doing? We’d talked, and he was going to make things up with her. I couldn’t get my head around it all.

  How could you do this?

  It was weird. We were so similar and yet so different, but we’d always been honest with one another. At least, until Ella came on the scene. Then I’d covered up my feelings for his sake. What a joke. Maybe I should have put it all out there, told her how I felt right at the start. If she’d chosen Sam, I’d have lived with it, and now I wouldn’t be hurting so much.

  But she would.

  Here I was again, feeling torn, but in no doubt this time what the right thing was to do. Ella needed me, and maybe she only wanted my friendship, but at least I had her in my life and I could take care of her. The way she needed.

  The bath was filled to halfway, and I twisted the taps to see if I could get any more out of them. Water sprayed from the cold tap, and I laughed out loud as it hit me, springing back and away as it settled.

  “What on earth are you doing?” Ella’s voice came from the door, her eyes growing wide as she took in the sight of me.

  “I thought I’d have a wet T-shirt competition for one?” I shrugged, leaning over to twist the taps shut. “That cold tap of yours is possessed.”

  She laughed. “There’s always been something not quite right about it. I guess you’ve only ever encountered my non-haunted shower.”

  “I’ll get out of here. Your bath is ready.”

  As we passed in the doorway, she grabbed my hand. “If you want a fresh shirt, Sam’s got plenty in the bedroom.” Her expression dropped. “At least, he did. I’m not sure what’s in there now.”

  “I’ll be fine. I’ll take it off and hang it over the heater. I’m sure you’ll be okay if I burn a little electricity. It’s a bit chilly anyway.” I smiled.

  “I hadn’t noticed. Thanks for taking care of me.” Her eyes spoke of her gratitude, and I nodded.

  “Any time. I would hug you, but I’m a bit wet.”

  “As if it makes a difference; I’m about to get a lot wet.” Her mouth fell open as she said the words, clearly realising the double meaning as I suppressed a smirk. “Get out of here. You’re not supposed to make me laugh.”

  I placed my hand on my heart. “My life’s not worth living if you’re not smiling, Ella.”

  She rolled her eyes, pushing me out the door. “Go and dry off.”

  I swivelled my hips as she closed it. “What? You don’t want me to dance it dry?”

  Flicking the oil column heater on in the living room, I slipped off my T-shirt and draped it over the top. It wouldn’t take long to dry once the heater warmed up.

  Venturing back up the hallway and into their bedroom, I opened one of Sam’s drawers. The emptiness of it was the same as the feeling through the house. This wasn’t Sam’s house anymore, even if a lot of his things were still scattered around.

  I picked up one of their wedding photos sitting on the top of the chest. “Screw you,” I muttered, closing the drawer and placing the photo back.

  As I passed the bathroom, Ella’s sobs echoed down the hall. I couldn’t go in, that wouldn’t be right, but I put my hand to the door. “Ella,” I whispered.

  It killed me to hear her, crying in the quiet.

  “Ella,” I said again, this time so she would hear me.

  “I’m okay,” she said in a voice that was clearly not okay.

  I sank to the floor against the door, closing my eyes as she continued to sob. Resting my head against the door, it was all I could do to stop bursting through it, but she needed to get this out, and I needed to give her space.

  Absorbed in the sound, I lost track of time, steadying myself on the floor a while later when she opened the door.

  “Matt?” Her eyes were rimmed red, swollen, and any happiness I’d glimpsed before she got in the bath was long gone.

  I pulled myself to my feet. “Hey,” I said.

  She had a faraway look, as her eyes glazed over. “The bath was a bit hot. I feel …” Her knees buckled, and I caught her before she hit the ground.

  She was limp, like a ragdoll, and I scooped her up, carrying her into the bedroom and placing her on the bed. I’d fantasised of doing this, but in my dream we were in love and about to become one. All those soppy romantic thoughts I’d saved for her.

  Instead, she whimpered as I pulled the blankets over her, making sure she was covered. I knelt beside the bed to stroke her temple.

  “Don’t go,” she whispered.

  “I’m not going anywhere. Not while you need me.”

  Tears streamed down her face again, and my heart broke at the sight of her so forlorn.

  “Stay with me, at least until I go to sleep?” Her eyebrows dipped as she pleaded with her eyes. So afraid to be alone, but having lost the one person in her life who should be here with her.

  “Ella, I …”

  “Please, Matt.”

  I exhaled, slowly nodding, and climbed on the bed beside her, Ella under the covers, me on top. As chaste as I could make it.

  Lowering my arm over her, careful not to touch her in any way that might scare the crap out of her, I felt like I could breathe again as she wriggled back against me.

  “Thank you.” Her voice was so small, so un-Ella like.

  “Any time.” That long curly hair was right in front of me, and in spite of myself, I buried my nose in it, breathing in that pomegranate shampoo smell, overindulging.

  I love you.

  Now was not the time to go anywhere near that. I could weep for what she must have ben going through. What on earth was Sam thinking? Not only sleeping w
ith another woman, when he had the perfect one at home, but leaving her? Ella worshipped the ground he walked on, and even if she was remotely attracted to me, it didn’t detract from the love she bore him. She had committed to being with him for the rest of their lives.

  I couldn’t get my head around him sleeping with another woman, let alone having a child with her.

  “Matt?” Her voice was so small and childlike, the simple act of her saying my name nearly broke my heart.

  “Yes?”

  She rolled over to face me. I’d never seen her looking so sad. Not Ella.

  “I’m glad you’re here.”

  I lifted my hand to her face, pushing back the lock of dark hair that fell over her temple.

  “So am I. I’ve got something I need to take care of once you’re asleep, but I’ll come back afterward if you want me to.”

  She nodded. “Only if it’s not a bother.”

  She was always thinking of other people’s feelings, even at her worst. “You’re never a bother. Do you still keep the spare key hanging in the kitchen?”

  Ella nodded again. “The green key tag.”

  “I’ll grab that so you don’t have to get out of bed again. I’ll crash in the spare room. If you’re lucky I’ll make you breakfast.”

  The tiniest of smiles crept across her face. “You? Make breakfast?”

  “Get used to being pampered for a while. I’ll be here to take care of you. If you want me to.”

  Her lower lip wobbled.

  “Don’t cry, Ella. It’ll get better. I promise,” I whispered. There wasn’t much else I could say. How could it get any worse? “Close your eyes.” I stroked her hair and she complied, taking deep breaths.

  I watched as she fell asleep, the deep breaths giving in to longer, slower ones.

  Now to find Sam.

  22

  MATT

  I plucked the key from inside the pantry, where it sat buried with glue and tape and other random junk. Picking up my phone, I dialled Sam, and it went straight through to voicemail.

  Damn it.

  My shirt was dry, and I pulled it on, reaching for the switch on the heater. No. I’ll leave it in case Ella gets out of bed.