Just Doomed!

by Andy Griffiths

  Saturday November 20th

  As long as I live I will never get over the shock of losing Lisa from the play! Never!

  Sunday November 21st

  Ever!

  WEEK 3

  Monday November 22nd

  Remember what I said about Friday being officially the worst day of my life?

  Well, I was wrong.

  TODAY is definitely officially the worst day of my life because today Ms Livingstone announced the replacement for Lisa.

  It’s Danny!

  Yes, that’s right. Danny. That’s Danny with a ‘y’ not an ‘i’.

  A boy. Playing a girl’s part. Danny Pickett is going to play Juliet!!!

  I reminded Ms Livingstone that Danny was a boy and she said, Yes, I’m well aware of that fact, Andy, but as you might remember from our study of Macbeth, women were forbidden to act in Shakespeare’s time and it was quite normal for young boys to play the parts of women. She said she’d given the matter a lot of thought and she’d been so impressed with Danny’s acting she’d decided there was nobody better suited to the role than him.

  But Ms Livingstone, I said, that means I will have to kiss Danny!

  Not Danny, said Ms Livingstone. You’re still kissing Juliet—she’s merely being played by Danny, and for that matter, you’re not really you, Andy—when you’re on stage you’re Romeo. You see how all this works? It’s called acting! It’s all make-believe and it gives us the most wonderful freedom to explore life in all its multifaceted glory!

  Yeah, well, Ms Livingstone can make-believe that acting is make-believe all she likes. What it really boils down to, though, is that I have to kiss Danny and he has to kiss me and that’s just not going to happen.

  Tuesday November 23rd

  I tried my best to convince Danny to pull out.

  I told him we needed to talk and he said, What about? And I said, You know very well what about and he said, Prithee, I knoweth not what thou speaketh about! And I said, Don’t try pulling that fake Shakespearean stuff on me, you need to tell Ms Livingstone you can’t play Juliet. And Danny said, Why not? and I said, I’ll tell you why not: because we’re going to have to kiss each other, that’s why not!

  But Danny said he was really serious about his acting and didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to play one of the most famous lead roles in all of dramatic history and that a girl does Bart Simpson’s voice and nobody cares about that, so why can’t it work the other way round?

  I told him that Bart Simpson’s voice is not provided by a girl but Danny said that it was and her name was Nancy Cartwright and that she was definitely a girl and I told him it was the dumbest thing he’d ever said and he said, Okay then, who do you think does Bart Simpson’s voice? and I told him Bart Simpson does his own voice of course, and he said, Ms Livingstone’s right—you are confused about the difference between acting and real life and I said, Yeah? Well at least I’m not confused about whether I’m a boy or a girl and I am not kissing you and you are not kissing me, and that’s final. And Danny said, Well that’s too bad because I’m playing Juliet so if you don’t want to kiss me then you’re going to have to pull out of the play! And I said, Fine! And he said, Fine! And then we both went home.

  Wednesday November 24th

  Since I couldn’t convince Danny to give up playing Juliet I went to see Ms Livingstone and explained that I simply positively absolutely could not kiss Danny.

  Ms Livingstone sighed and said that she thought we’d already been through this. I said, Yes, I know what you said about how Danny’s not really Danny and I’m not really me but I really can’t see it that way. Danny is Danny and I am me and there’s nothing I can do about either of those facts so I’m going to have to resign.

  Ms Livingstone shook her head and said, But I can’t replace you now … there are only nine days until the performance. And then she made this big speech about how when you take on an acting role like this you take on a certain responsibility to the director, the rest of the cast, the audience—many of whom have already bought tickets—and, most importantly of all, to yourself etc. etc.

  She said the only way I would not be playing Romeo was if I suddenly fell gravely ill, and she thought there was very little chance of that happening. I said, Thanks for the pep talk, Ms Livingstone, but I wasn’t really thanking her for the pep talk … I was thanking her for giving me the idea of falling gravely ill.

  Thursday November 25th

  Today just before rehearsal I took a big red permanent marker and dabbed red spots all over my face and my hands and arms to make it look like I had measles.

  Then I rubbed talcum powder into my face so I looked really pale.

  Then I ran around the school about thirty times until I was really hot and dripping with perspiration as if I was running a really high fever.

  Then I staggered towards the auditorium, weaving all over the place like I was delirious and burst through the door and staggered around the room a few times (just like Danny had done when he was pretending that he’d been stabbed) and collapsed on the floor right in front of Ms Livingstone. I was hoping she might say something like, OH NO, SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE, ANDY IS REALLY SICK!

  But instead of calling an ambulance she just started laughing and applauding and said, Bravo, bravo, that was an amusing impression of a really sick person, Andy, now get up, clean that talcum powder and red texta off your face and get ready for rehearsal.

  So I guess that didn’t work out quite the way I’d planned. But there’s more than one way to get people to believe you’re sick. Another way is to actually make yourself sick. And I know just how to do it.

  Friday November 26th

  I don’t know if you’ve ever licked a gutter, but I just did—a smelly, green, slimy gutter—and I wouldn’t recommend it. It was really horrible. But I forced myself to do it. Again. And again. And again. And then, just to make sure I got every last germ, I did it again.

  If you have licked a gutter you’ll know that it leaves a pretty weird taste in your mouth. Kind of like frog-flavoured Brussel sprouts. (No, I’ve never eaten a frog but I figure frogs probably spend most of their time in smelly green slimy places … that’s why they’re green.)

  Anyway, the point is, if you’ve never licked a gutter, then I’d definitely suggest that you don’t. Not unless you’re desperate. Which, of course, I am. Really desperate. Desperate enough to make myself so sick that a doctor will give me a medical certificate saying I’m too sick to play Romeo. Fingers crossed.

  Saturday November 27th

  This is the greatest morning of my life!!! I woke up feeling really bad. I’m so happy! Mum rang Ms Livingstone and told her that I wouldn’t be able to attend the special all-day rehearsal today.

  Sunday November 28th

  I’m still feeling really bad—even badder than yesterday. I spent all last night vomiting and going to the toilet and when I wasn’t vomiting or going to the toilet I was recovering from vomiting and going to the toilet or getting ready to vomit and go to the toilet again. I would write more but I think I’m going to vomit again … or maybe go to the toilet again … or if I’m really lucky maybe even both at the same time!

  WEEK 4

  Monday November 29th

  uuuurrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  Tuesday November 30th

  Oh the pain, the pain, the sickening, unendurable painful pain!

  Not the pain of my illness—which is sickening, unendurable and painful enough—but something even worse.

  In fact, the very worst possible thing imaginable.

  Ms Livingstone rang to see how I was and Mum explained that I was still so sick that I would have to pull out of the play. Ms Livingstone was very understanding and said it was a great shame I had taken ill as it turns out that Lisa doesn’t have measles after all. It was just a harmless rash that looked like measles but has now cleared up completely, and so Lisa will once again be playing Juliet!

  Ms Livingstone said how disappoi
nted she was that I wasn’t going to be able to continue as Romeo but thought she’d be able to replace me without too many problems.

  Oh the pain, the pain, the sickening, unendurable painful pain!

  Wednesday December 1st

  I was wrong about Lisa not having the measles and being reinstated as Juliet as being the worst possible thing that could have happened. It was only the second-worst thing. The very worst thing happened today.

  Ms Livingstone is going to replace me with Danny.

  Yep, that’s right.

  Danny.

  Danny is the new Romeo.

  He rang me to tell me the ‘good’ news himself, which was nice of him … NOT.

  I’ve got to get better as soon as I can! I’ve got to get better and get my role as Romeo back and save poor Lisa from having to kiss Danny! I spent the whole afternoon eating fruit and thinking healthy thoughts.

  Thursday December 2nd

  It worked! I felt much better today. In fact, I felt so much better that I begged Mum to let me go to school and she eventually gave in. At recess I went straight to the staffroom and told Ms Livingstone that I was completely better and ready to resume my role as Romeo but she apologised and said that I can’t be Romeo because she’d already given the part to Danny and that he and Lisa have really clicked and have got some serious chemistry going.

  Ms Livingstone could obviously see how upset I was and offered me a non-speaking role as a female attendant to Juliet. I told her I would consider my options and get back to her, but given my current lack of offers to play a Hollywood action hero, I decided to accept. Yeah, I know it’s a comedown from Romeo and that it’s a girl part but I figure at least I’ll be able to keep an eye on Danny and make sure he doesn’t get too carried away.

  THE PERFORMANCE

  Friday December 3rd

  It was horrible.

  It was terrible.

  In fact, I don’t think it’s going too far to describe the night as a tragedy.

  Complete and utter.

  I had to stand at the side of the stage wearing a dress and endure what had to be the longest kiss scene between Romeo and Juliet in any production ever!

  I coughed a number of times but Danny didn’t take the hint.

  At one point I even tried to separate them but he was hugging poor Lisa too tightly.

  I felt so sorry for Lisa.

  But I’ve got to hand it to her.

  Despite the crushing disappointment she must have felt at not getting to kiss me, she made it look like she was really enjoying the kiss with Danny.

  Afterwards the audience was raving about what a great production it was and how utterly convincing Danny and Lisa were as the young star-crossed lovers and at the after-party Lisa even stayed completely in character and held Danny’s hand all night.

  It must have really been sad for her that it was Danny and not me but you would never have known it to look at her. She looked really happy. What a truly great actress she is!

  During the official speeches Ms Livingstone singled Danny and Lisa out for special praise and hoped that they would both apply for the lead roles in next year’s production of Hamlet.

  She didn’t mention me and the brilliance I brought to my role as female attendant but I expect that was just an oversight. Not that I care because I’m thinking about retiring from the theatre anyway. I don’t think it’s quite the right medium for my particular talents.

  In fact, the whole experience has only confirmed what I suspected from the beginning: I’m more suited to playing Hollywood action-movie heroes (or Hollywood action-movie female attendants … if the money’s right, of course).

  Tired of boring old maths problems that put you to sleep long before you’ve had a chance to work out the answer?

  Looking for an exciting, action-packed alternative?

  Well then you’ve come to the right place because I’ve created the new and exciting ANDY’S ACTION-PACKED MATHS PROGRAM!!!™ for action-loving maths students just like you!

  My program features high-action, high-adrenaline, high-body-count scenarios that perfectly reflect the high-action, high-adrenaline, high-body-count lifestyle of the modern maths student.

  So sit down, strap in and hold on for the most EXCITING ACTION-PACKED MATHS PROGRAM!!!™-based ride of your life!

  1.

  CALCULATOR FUN

  Enter the number 8008 into your calculator. Now turn it upside down. Hey, wow! It looks like the word ‘BOOB’! Now add the number 5. Now it looks like ‘BOOBS’. Now erase the number 5 and add the number 7355 so that it looks like ‘BOOBLESS’! Now run around and show everybody else in the class how funny you are. Hey, are you having some ANDY’S ACTION-PACKED MATHS PROGRAM!!!™ fun or what?

  Answer: Yes!! And that’s only the first problem! WOW!

  2.

  LOLLY BAG

  If you have 20 lollies and you eat 1 on Tuesday and 3 on Wednesday and 5 on Thursday and then on Friday Danny asks for 1 and you say okay but he snatches the whole bag and you snatch it back off him and he snatches it back off you and in the ensuing struggle 1 of the lollies falls on the ground, should you give that 1 lolly to Danny or eat it yourself?

  Answer: Eat it yourself, of course: Danny doesn’t deserve any because although he’s your best friend, he’s also a greedy double-crossing lolly-snatcher.

  3.

  HOSPITAL

  If you end up in hospital in intensive care as a result of eating a lolly that dropped on the ground and Danny comes in and snatches the rest of your lollies, how many lollies would you have left?

  Answer: Zero, but it doesn’t matter now because you’re probably going to die anyway.

  4.

  INVISIBLE LINE

  If you draw a 60-centimetre invisible line down the middle of the desk between you and Danny and he puts his finger over the line should you punch him, hit him with a ruler, punch him and hit him with a ruler, or tell the teacher?

  Answer: All 3. (It is important to take a firm stand on invisible-border-crossing infractions.)

  5.

  DANNY’S AGE

  If Danny is 10 years old in 2012, how old will he be in 2022?

  Answer: 20 years old, but he may not live that long because he took your eraser without asking and you had to take severe disciplinary action. (In addition to invisible-border-crossing infractions, it is also important to take a firm stand on unauthorised eraser borrowings.)

  6.

  COMPASS ATTACK

  If Danny has 15 compass-point stab wounds to his chest (well, he did borrow your eraser without asking) and he’s losing blood at a rate of 0.5 litres per second and the human body contains 5.2 litres of blood and the ambulance is 5 kilometres away, how fast would an ambulance have to travel to arrive in time to save Danny’s life?

  Answer: Faster than the speed of light—which, of course, violates the laws of time and space.

  7.

  ROLLING HEAD

  If an ambulance did manage to violate the laws of time and space and travel 5 kilometres in less than 5 seconds and the paramedics did manage to stop the bleeding and Danny eventually got better and then came looking for revenge and cut off your head with one mighty swipe of his metal ruler and your head weighed 4 kilograms and travelled down a steep hill at 20 kilometres per hour and was then squashed flat on the road by a 10-tonne truck (driven by Danny) travelling at 100 kilometres per hour, what area would the resulting head-squashed-by-a-truck puddle cover?

  Answer: I can’t really be bothered trying to work this one out because it’s kind of complicated, so whatever you reckon is fine by me.

  8.

  METEORITE

  A massive meteorite with a destructive power of one billion megatonnes is hurtling towards the Earth at 500 kilometres per second. Assuming that it has just passed the moon, which is 406,700 kilometres from Earth, would you have enough time to go to the toilet before the meteorite collides with us and obliterates all life on Earth?

  Answer: Number
1s, maybe, but probably not number 2s.

  9.

  JEREMY SMART

  Jeremy Smart has been awarded 5 trophies, 8 gold medals, 3 certificates for general all-round excellence and 10 gold stars—and that’s just in the last month. If his bedroom window was 3 metres by 2 metres and you had a 60-centimetre crowbar, how long would it take you to break into his bedroom, steal all his trophies, medals, certificates and gold stars and take them home, scratch his name off and replace it with your own so that next time your mother says, ‘Why can’t you be more like Jeremy Smart?’ you can take her into your bedroom and show her all your trophies, medals, certificates and gold stars and say, ‘I bet Jeremy Smart doesn’t have all these.’

  Answer: It would take about 5 hours, but it would definitely be worth the time and effort to see the look on your mother’s face.

  10.

  POISONOUS ANIMALS

  If you were holding 1 box jellyfish, 2 king cobras, 3 marbled cone snails, 4 blue-ringed octopuses, 5 deathstalker scorpions, 6 stonefish, 7 Brazilian wandering spiders, 8 inland taipans, 9 poison dart frogs and 10 puffer fish, how many of the world’s most poisonous animals would you be holding?

  Answer: Zero. A single bite or sting from any one of these nasty little creatures would have caused you to suffer a rapid and violent death and you would have collapsed and dropped them long before you could have counted them.

  11.

  KICK A NUMBER’S BUTT

  Think of a number. Now halve it. Now quarter it. Now cut its legs off. Now kick its butt. Who said maths wasn’t fun?

  Answer: Any student not lucky enough to be doing ANDY’S ACTION-PACKED MATHS PROGRAM!!!™

  12.

  CYBORG WARRIOR-SLAVE

  On Thursday, after many months of development in your secret underground laboratory, you finish creating an indestructible cyborg warrior-slave that has the power to crush the skulls of your enemies as if they were made of nothing stronger than eggshell. Assuming that you have 600 enemies and that your cyborg warrior-slave can crush 60 skulls per minute, how many minutes would it take until all your enemies were defeated and you were free to take over the world?