Dancing in the Rain

by Shelley Hrdlitschka

  They jostle their way through the throng to a bench where they can put on their snowshoes. “This is where the Snowshoe Grind starts,” Ryan tells her. “Serious snowshoers swipe their passes on this post and then try to beat their own personal bests, just like the regular Grinders do. Maybe you’ll want to sign on.”

  Brenna shakes her head. “If I keep snowshoeing, it won’t be about speed. It’ll be about enjoying the experience.”

  “If you keep snowshoeing?”

  They stand up and begin to head toward Dam Mountain, where the snowshoe trails are. “It won’t be the same without you.”

  “Maybe you can find someone else to snowshoe with.”

  “Still won’t be the same.”

  As the climb gets steeper, the snow begins to fall in large wet flakes.

  “Just think,” Brenna says, pausing to catch her breath. She tilts her head back to let the snow fall on her face. “In two days you’ll be welcoming in the spring.”

  “Does that mean I get to miss a whole winter, or will next winter be my this winter?” he asks.

  Brenna shakes her head and smiles at the question. It’s so Ryan. Once again she wonders if she would have been better off if she’d never met him. Then she wouldn’t have to miss him and all his goofy remarks.

  When they reach the summit Ryan removes his snowshoes and falls onto his back in a bank of deep, unblemished snow. He slides his arms up and down and drags his legs back and forth.

  “A snow angel!” Brenna says.

  “Yep.” He gets up carefully to look at the figure he’s left in the snow. Then, using a stick he’s broken off a nearby tree, he prints JOANNA beneath it.

  Swallowing hard, Brenna lowers herself to the snow beside the angel and makes another one. Getting up, she takes the stick from Ryan and prints NICK, the name of Ryan’s brother. Ryan takes the stick from Brenna and draws halos above the angels’ heads. Then, with arms around each other, they watch as the falling snow slowly blankets the angels; within minutes they’ve disappeared.

  “Did you notice that you kept up with me for the whole climb?” Ryan asks when they are seated in the chalet bistro.

  Brenna tips her head. “Yeah…”

  “When we first started doing the Grind, I had to slow my pace so you could keep up.”

  “But you didn’t today?”

  “Not at all. I had to work to keep up with you.”

  She thinks about it. “It has gotten easier.”

  “You’re a whole lot stronger than you were just three months ago.”

  Brenna takes a sip of her hot chocolate. “Do you think I’m stronger on the inside too?” She watches his face for his answer.

  He smiles. “That’s harder to measure, but I bet you are. You held up well when Naysa had her…her crisis. And you’re resourceful. You called on Angie for help when you needed it. I’d say that’s showing strength of character.”

  “Do you hike in Australia?”

  “A little bit, in the Blue Mountains, but my mates are more into surfing.”

  They order dinner and then sit quietly, their features soft in the glow of the candlelight. The snow has stopped falling, the clouds have lifted, and the lights of the city twinkle far below them.

  Ryan clears his throat. “The past three months have been really special for me,” he says, breaking the long silence. “I was so nervous about asking you to do the Grind with me that first time.”

  “You were?” Brenna’s eyebrows arch.

  “Oh my god. I almost chickened out. I had to muster up all my courage to cross that mountain and ask you.”

  “I’d never have guessed.”

  “And each time we hiked, I did everything in my power to make you smile or laugh. Your face…it really…changes when you’re happy. You had me from the first smile.”

  “Are you serious? I’m surprised you even noticed me.”

  “Oh, I noticed you. And I can also say I wasn’t too surprised when I found out who your mom was. You’re equally lovely.”

  Steaming cups of clam chowder are placed in front of them. Brenna picks up her spoon. “I thought I was your service project,” she admits, blowing on the soup.

  Ryan looks up from the crusty roll he’s slathering with butter. “My service project? That’s a joke.” He takes a bite and regards her. “Though one thing I have learned is that when you help other people, you tend to help yourself too. So actually, you were helping me.” He nods, affirming what he’s said.

  They eat in silence for a few moments, and then Ryan tackles the topic they’ve avoided for the past month. “It’s hard to know where we go from here, Bren. Hopefully I’ll be back, but it’s really hard to say. We’ll keep in touch—Skype, email…”

  “It won’t be the same.”

  “No. It won’t.”

  Ryan puts his spoon down and leans into the table. “Brenna, I’m crazy about you. Maybe we’ll be together again sometime in the future, but even if it doesn’t happen, at least we’ve had this much time together.”

  Brenna struggles to remain composed. When the server arrives to take their soup bowls, she excuses herself and goes to the washroom. She sits on a toilet, drops her head between her knees and takes in deep, shuddering breaths. She leans her head back, struggling not to wail at the injustice. She sighs deeply instead. Leaving the stall, she stares at herself in the mirror. The reflection shows a tired, pale face. She forces herself to smile. It’s true her face is transformed, even if it’s a fake smile.

  Pulling herself together, she returns to the table. “When I graduate from high school, I’m going to Borneo,” she tells him. “My mom and I planned to go together, but I’m going to go anyway and sprinkle some of her ashes in the jungle.”

  “Borneo?”

  She tells him about the orangutan sanctuary. “And once I’m in Borneo, maybe I’ll carry on down to Sydney to see you—unless you have a new girlfriend, of course.”

  He shakes his head and closes his eyes. “It drives me insane to think of you with another guy.”

  Plates of fish and chips arrive, and they drip vinegar and ketchup onto their food.

  Brenna ignores his comment. “Depending on how much money I’ve saved up from my business,” she continues, putting air quotes around the word, “I may continue on to Uganda—with Angie’s permission, of course. And Kia’s.”

  “Maybe I’ll go with you. After we volunteer at the orphanage, we can go on a safari.”

  “And then a mountain gorilla trek,” Brenna adds.

  “A what?”

  Brenna smiles. “I’ve been doing some research on Uganda. It’s one of the few places in the world where mountain gorillas still live, and there’s fewer than a thousand of them left on the planet.” Brenna’s voice grows stronger as she warms to her subject. “Guides take tourists into the jungle, and you get to hang out with a group of gorillas for an hour. Can you imagine? How cool would that be!”

  Brenna sits back and then notices the way Ryan is looking at her. “What?”

  He doesn’t say anything for a moment, and they simply gaze at each other.

  “Listen to you, Brenna. You have grown strong on the inside.”

  She tilts her head.

  “You’re looking ahead. Planning your future. That’s huge.”

  Brenna thinks about it, remembering the months of inertia when it was almost impossible to climb out of bed each day. “Mom would have wanted me to go to Borneo,” she says. “And now I have an ulterior motive. Borneo’s in the same hemisphere that you live in. Maybe I’m not getting strong so much as I’m figuring out how to see you again.”

  “Call it what you want.” Using his fork, Ryan stabs a French fry from Brenna’s plate. His plate is already polished clean. “I’m hoping my mom has grown strong on the inside too. After Nick died, she couldn’t look forward. Couldn’t make plans. She couldn’t function at all. I hope that has changed.”

  Brenna remembers that Ryan has a lot of apprehension about going home and see
ing his mom. She has been so wrapped up in her own stuff that she hasn’t given it much thought. She passes him her plate, and he passes her his empty one. “This is really hard for you,” she says quietly. “Going home, I mean.”

  He sighs and stabs another French fry. “It’s weird. I keep thinking Nick is going to be there, and then I remember that he’s not. Even though it’s been a couple of years, it still hasn’t really sunk in.”

  Brenna nods, understanding completely. She often catches herself thinking she should tell her mom something, or do something for her, before remembering that she’s gone.

  When their dishes have been cleared away, Ryan rummages in his pack and pulls out a small box. “This is so you’ll remember me and our connection to this mountain,” he says, passing it across the table to her.

  Brenna opens it and pulls out a key chain with a heavy silver bear paw dangling from it.

  “I know you’re going to get your license soon,” he says. “And I figured you could think of me every time you reach for your keys.”

  “Thank you,” she whispers, stroking the smooth paw. “It’s beautiful.”

  “And I’m also leaving you my snowshoes. Just to keep for me until I come back.”

  Their eyes meet and hold for a long time.

  It’s dark and cold in the tram as it begins its descent. They stand in a corner, arms wrapped around each other. Ryan leans down to whisper in her ear. “I love you.”

  She simply holds him tighter, finding it impossible to speak.

  At noon on Sunday there’s a knock on Brenna’s door.

  “C’mon in,” she mumbles.

  Naysa comes in and sits on the end of her bed. “Want to do something today?” she asks.

  Brenna wants to say no and just lie there thinking of Ryan, who is already thousands of miles away, but she knows Naysa is only trying to help. “What are you thinking of?”

  “How ’bout a yoga class?” Naysa asks.

  “You don’t do yoga.”

  “I’m thinking of starting. My counselor, Dr. Price, recommends it, and Angie says she loves it. I thought maybe you could take me to the studio where you and Mom used to go. Hopefully they have a beginner’s class.”

  “Dr. Price recommends it?”

  “Yeah, she says it’s good for reducing stress.”

  Brenna regards her little sister. “How are you anyway?”

  Naysa shrugs. “Good days and bad ones. Probably better than you today anyway.”

  “Oh, Naysa, I’m really going to miss him.” Tears stream down Brenna’s face, and she flops back onto her bed and hugs a pillow to her face.

  She feels Naysa’s body nestling in beside her. She reaches for her sister’s hand and squeezes it and then allows herself to cry until there are no more tears. They lie together in silence. Finally Brenna stirs. “Let’s go check the yoga schedule.”

  The days drag by. Christmas lights begin to appear on houses, and seasonal music can’t be avoided.

  Stepping out of the shower one morning, Brenna studies herself in the full-length mirror. She cranes her neck to look at her butt. Simply walking the dogs every day is not going to help her keep her newfound muscle tone, she realizes.

  Naysa and Angie have found a couple of yoga classes that the three of them can take together. There are moments when Brenna feels a stab of jealousy at the bond that is clearly growing between her sister and Angie, but mostly she’s so immersed in her own misery that she doesn’t care. Her mood is elevated following each yoga session, but it plummets before they get back to the yoga studio for their next class.

  The one thing that keeps getting her out of bed each day is the anticipation of a text from Ryan, and he never disappoints. There’s one waiting for her each morning. They’ve connected on Skype twice, but it was a bittersweet experience. At first it was wonderful to see his face and hear his voice, but when they finally had to disconnect, neither one of them wanted to hit End call. The realization of the distance between them sent her plummeting all over again. She’s decided it’s just as well that the seventeen-hour time difference makes it difficult to find a convenient time to Skype regularly. It’s too hard.

  In an email, he’s told her about his tearful reunion with his mom and how they’ve moved back into her apartment. He says she is fragile but no longer numb and distant. He’s applying his get-strong-through-exercise theory and has her out walking and swimming every day, and his uncle has hired a life coach to, as Ryan puts it, help navigate her into her future. Every text and email ends with I love you and miss you.

  For the week following Ryan’s departure, Georgialee was willing to listen while she talked about all the things that were so special about him and how much she was missing him, but then she started hinting that Brenna should think about moving on, and Brenna knew Georgialee had reached her limit. How could she possibly understand?

  Dec. 12

  Mom would understand. I could tell her how much I miss him. I could tell her about all the funny things he says and the kind things he does. She would understand about the snow angels. (How stupid. She was one of them!!) She would listen. She would not tell me to get over him. She wouldn’t suggest I date someone else. She would just get it. Fuck Fuck Fuck

  Brenna and her family force themselves to go through the motions of Christmas, but nothing is the same. On Christmas morning, after exchanging gifts with each other, Naysa hands Brenna the last wrapped box under the tree.

  “What’s this?” she asks. The package, shaped like a flattened shoe box, is very light, and nothing rattles when she shakes it.

  “Ryan sent it for you,” Naysa says. “He messaged me and asked me to watch for it and then hide it until Christmas.”

  Brenna holds the box, staring at it.

  “Did you send him anything?”

  “Yeah, a framed photo of us hiking the Grind. Lame, I know.”

  Brenna rips away the gift wrap and lifts the top off the box. “Oh my god!” Two stuffies lie on a cushion of green tissue paper. She grins at the fuzzy faces smiling back at her. One is a baby orangutan and the other is a small gorilla. She lifts them out and finds a couple of folded sheets of paper beneath them. She scans the information. The first is the adoption certificate for a baby orangutan named Cinta who lives in Borneo. Apparently Ryan has adopted a real orangutan in her name and will send small monthly donations for the orangutan’s care. The other sheet is a receipt for a donation made to Gorilla Doctors, an organization that cares for the orphans of gorillas who have been killed by poachers. She hands the sheets to Naysa and her dad, who have been watching her. Then she opens the enclosed Christmas card. There is a letter folded up inside.

  Merry Christmas, Brenna!

  I chose these two little rascals to remind you of your big trip. I hope they help to keep you focused on making it a reality. (And that way I get to see you too!) Fingers crossed that you’ll get to meet the real Cinta in about a year and a half. (Her name means “love,” which is why I chose her from the bunch.) I also hope they are good company for you until we meet again.

  I love you and miss you!

  Ryan

  Brenna presses the two stuffies to her cheeks and closes her eyes. Deep inside she feels an elusive shift.

  Dec. 25

  I’m an adoptive mom now too! Of an orangutan. LOL.

  Only Ryan could dream up the perfect gift.

  Oh my god I adore him.

  eighteen

  The only cure for grief is action.

  (G.H. LEWES, THE SPANISH DRAMA)

  The silver bear claw clangs against the steering column as Brenna slides the key into the ignition of Joanna’s car. It’s the middle of January, and Brenna has asked Angie, Justin and Georgialee to meet her, her dad and Naysa at the Daily Grind. She wouldn’t tell any of them the reason for the meeting, just asked them all to be there. She is driving her dad and Naysa because she’s still accumulating the driving hours she needs before she can take her test.

  They choose a rou
nd table, and when the others arrive Brenna introduces Georgialee to Angie and Justin. They order and Brenna insists on picking up the tab. When they’re all sipping their drinks, Brenna looks around the circle and then pulls a thick envelope out of her purse. She lays it on the table.

  “When Naysa and I were younger,” she says, “Mom and Dad encouraged us to give one-third of our allowance to charity. I have a small business now, and I’d like to stick to that guideline. In this envelope is a third of what I’ve earned so far.” She pauses and looks at Angie and then Justin. “I’m giving it to you guys,” she says, pushing the envelope across the table to them. “And I hope you’ll send it on to Aid-A-Child—from an anonymous donor, of course.”

  The group sits in startled silence. Justin finds his voice first. “Are you sure, Brenna? That’s a big chunk of what you’ve earned.”

  “I don’t have many other expenses,” she says, “though as soon as I get my driver’s license I’ll have gas and car insurance.” She smiles at her dad. “But until then…”

  “I’m overwhelmed,” Angie says, reaching for the envelope. “This is so generous of you, Brenna.” She comes around the table to give Brenna a hug.

  “And there’s something else I want to talk to you all about,” Brenna continues after accepting a hug from Justin too. “On a Sunday in May each year Grouse Mountain hosts the Seek the Peak charity relay, which donates all proceeds to breast cancer research.” She explains how the race can be run as a team, with four members each taking on one leg of the route. “I’m going to donate my charity money from the next few months to this race, in memory of Mom. I’d also like to participate in it.” She pauses, letting the information sink in. “I was hoping Ryan would be back, but as you know,” she says quietly, “that’s not going to happen. So I’m looking for three teammates.”