by Jenny Hayut
Inside, I let go of the breath I’ve been holding. How has everything in my finally-back-together-again life changed in just one night? My promotion giving me that boost of confidence and self-worth I needed, only for Holt to show up and bring all the insecurities and self-doubts that came as a result of him disappearing back to the surface.
Yeah, I’m not going to get any sleep tonight.
Chapter 6
I’m still leaning against the wall inside my doorway, lost in thoughts of Holt. His words, his kiss, his touch. It’s too much for me. Every part of my body aches for him. My lips are swollen from his kiss, longing for more.
I have to stay away. I can’t let this happen. I don’t need to hear his excuses. They’re just that: excuses. His reason for leaving isn’t going to change what it did to me after he left. It’s not going to change the way I am now.
The door handle jiggles, and I panic. Has he come back? I’m standing there, unable to move, when Cassie walks in and rushes up to me.
“Niki! Are you okay? We were so worried, but didn’t know what to do. Everything happened so damn fast, and the way Holt was looking at you, God. Are you okay? Talk to me.”
“Yes,” I mumble before she rattles on.
“Tonight was a-freaking-mazing to watch! The way Holt came up to you like that, and the way the you were looking at each other. I could feel the heat coming off the two of you. When he reached over and whispered in your ear, yowza, honey! I could barely keep myself together. Ang and I were both speechless when he walked you out.”
Cass begins to fan herself and rolls her eyes. She can hardly contain herself from the excitement. I know her just as well as she knows me. She walks to the couch and plops across it, motioning me to join her.
“But then I got worried. Clay is upset at the whole thing too. He’s blaming himself for Holt getting involved in the first place. He thinks he never should’ve left you with that guy, the way you were. You weren’t being yourself, but he thought it would be good for you to loosen up a little bit and have fun. We all did, really.”
I throw my head back against the wall and let out a sigh of frustration. If only I hadn’t done that shit in the first place. None of this would’ve happened.
“He’s mad at us for letting you go with Holt like that. Ha. Like we could’ve stopped him. I can’t get that look Holt was giving you out of my mind. It was almost like he would kill for you.”
Those words send a shiver down my body.
“I saw the way you were looking at him too, Nik. I’m not going to tell you what I saw because I think you already know. I’m just glad you’re home, and I’m here if you want to talk, which I hope you do, because I have been dying to know what happened after you left.”
“He kissed me.”
Cass stands there in silence, biting her lip, I know to stop her mouth from dropping. She knows me. And right now, she doesn’t know how to react.
“He’s picking me up for dinner tomorrow night so we can talk.” I shake my head and throw up my hands. “Cass. I don’t know what to do. I mean, I told him okay, but that’s because I was still in shock over everything that happened. And damn it, all of it, Cass, all of it was pointless. All it took was one kiss, and I gave in. Just. Like. That.” I grit my teeth. “What did I learn? Not a goddamn thing, apparently.”
“Well, how did you feel when he kissed you?”
I take a deep breath. I know I can’t lie to my oldest and dearest friend. “It was like no time had passed between us.” I sigh as I flop onto the couch. When I look over at Cass, she’s grinning. “Stop, Cass. You know this isn’t good. I feel like I’m letting him walk right back in the door.” I rub my eyes. “How can I do that after everything he put me through? You know how long I waited for him. I can’t do it.”
“I know, hun, I know, but maybe you should hear him out, you think? I can’t imagine what would force him to leave like he did, not able to at least tell you. But, honey, here’s your chance to finally find out. Shit, you think maybe he killed somebody and he’s been racked up all this time?”
I jerk my head up to her with alarm.
Oh my God. What if that’s it?
Cass must see the fear in my face. “Kidding. Kidding. Sorry, just trying to make you laugh a little.” She puts her hand on my shoulder. “I know you’re afraid, but it really sounds like he wants to explain things to you.
“I love you, and I’m here for you, but I really think you should at least hear him out. No matter what you decide, I’ve got your back, and if you finally want me to kick his ass, I’m game for that too.”
God, I love her. She always knows how I think and knows exactly what to say to calm me down.
I don’t want to think about Holt anymore. At least for tonight. I need to breathe.
“I need to call Clay, let him know it’s not his fault. That he couldn’t have changed anything, because I was on that dance floor, and I knew Holt was watching. I wanted him to see.”
“Damn straight, Nik.”
“I need to call him but not tonight. Tomorrow. When my head is back on straight. God, how much did I drink, anyway? I can’t believe I let that guy dance with me!” I stand and head toward the hall, to my bedroom.
“Yeah, he was an ass, but before he summoned his death wish, you have to admit you were having fun. I was watching. You should let go like that more. Didn’t it feel good out there, not caring who was looking, not thinking, just having fun. Even for a few minutes?”
I drop my gaze to the floor, knowing once again that I can’t lie to her. “Honestly? Yeah. It was. But you and I both know it was only because of the alcohol and hoping Holt was watching. You know that’s not me. I can’t be like you or Ang.”
“One day, Nik, one day you’ll see what’s inside you, clawing to come out. You got it. You just don’t know it. I hope like hell I’m around when you realize it.”
“Okay. Enough talking. I need my pillow.” I walk back to her and wrap my arms around her. After Dad died, Cass became my rock. Her and Aunt Helen both. With talks like this, she reminds me how much I need and love her.
“Love you,” I whisper.
“Love you. Always. And no worries. Everything will be okay. I promise.”
I don’t have as much faith as Cass does as I pull my phone out to put it on charge and see a new text message from “Holton.” I catch my breath and goosebumps rush across my skin.
He remembered. I was the only one who ever called him by his full name. Holton. I loved it from the first time I discovered it. I don’t think he liked it, but he never stopped me.
I open the text to read: “I could never forget...H.” My lips part, almost on their own.
I drop to my bed and stare at those words, forever, it seems. I find myself slowly bringing my phone to my face, remembering that he’d used it. His scent is still there. I breathe him in, the familiar smell sending tingles through my body. I fall asleep that way, holding my phone, breathing him in, remembering.
Chapter 7
I wake up with the sun shining, and all the events from the night before come crashing back to me. I can’t believe I acted like that. That wasn’t me, and to think that jerk-face even danced with me in the first place. Me? Really? Then I remember why I was out there like that.
Holt.
Just thinking about his touch, his kiss, sparks the growing hunger. I have a decision to make, and I know what I need to do.
Around one o’ clock, I get the first text.
“Thinking about you, babe. Trying my best not to come over to that hospital and kidnap you. See you tonight...H.”
I don’t respond, because I’m not going. I switched shift coverage with one of the other doctors, which will keep me at the hospital well past seven o’clock.
I’m eating lunch with Katy when the next text comes in.
“How’s your head?”
Thoughtful. I’m still not responding, though. I really hate that in my weak moment last night, I freely handed my cell ov
er to him, allowing him access to me. Damn it. He probably would’ve gotten it on his own anyway.
“Are you okay, Niki?”
Good thing I don’t play poker. My feelings must be all over my face. Fear and lust. All at the same time. I’m scared shitless about what Holt’s going to do when he discovers I’ve ditched, yet desperately want his arms wrapped around me again. God. What a slippery slope.
“Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind.”
It hits me that I still need to call Clay. There’s no way in hell I want him blaming himself for the way everything went down, and he needs to know he had no control over it.
“I’ll be right back. I need to make a phone call real quick.” I push my chair away from the table and dial his number, walking outside. I leave him a message and walk back in to Katy as she’s leaving a tip on the table.
“Sorry. Ready?” I ask.
“Yes, ma’am. Everything okay now?”
“Yes, yes. Sorry. Just needed to return a call to a rep for one of the drug companies.” God. Kind of scary how quickly that lie came out.
She looks at me with her brows scrunched and her eyes squinting but doesn’t say a word.
****
Before I know it, it’s five o’clock, what would’ve been the end of my work day, but with changing shifts, I’m working until eleven unless an emergency comes in, keeping me longer. I’m in the drive-thru, grabbing dinner, when my cell rings.
Please don’t be Holt.
I reach for it with trembling hands. It’s Clay. Thank God. I answer quickly, anxious to talk, to ease his mind.
“Hey, sugar lips (my nickname for him when I’m trying to cheer him up.) I wanted to talk to you about last night. I—”
“I am so so sorry, sweetheart. I feel like absolute shit for leaving you with that ass and then having that madman of steel go all commando and shit.”
I can’t help but laugh at that. It’s true, actually. Holt is a madman, he is made of steel...those steel arms...those rock hard legs...and he did go commando.
“If I’d stayed with you, none of that would’ve gone down like it did. Nik, I got to tell you though, that was some hot shit watching him in action. Picking that punk up off the floor like that and punching the living shit out of him. Gave me a mini, I swear.” I pull the phone away from my ear, not wanting to hear any more. Seems Clay has now been lured in by the addictive persona that is Holt Maddox too. Not even trying to think about the fact that Holt can now make Clay cream his pants. I hear his laughter end and pull the phone back to my ear, focusing on trying to convince him that last night wasn’t his fault.
“Well, sweetie, Cass told me how you were beating yourself up for walking away, but who’s to say hot guy jerk-face wouldn’t have done the same thing anyway? I mean, he was obviously drunk as shit to be dancing with me in the first damn place, so I’m pretty sure he would’ve still done it. Holt would’ve still gone commando and reacted the way he did.”
“Wait, what?” Clay says, but I continue.
“So you, my dear, were not at fault. I love you for worrying about me, and I love you for trying to stop Holt from leaving with me. I got him out of there, away from you, because I didn’t know if he would do the same thing to you. That was stupid though, because now I’m stuck with him having my cell number and thinking we’re having dinner tonight...and that’s after I let him kiss me.”
I wait for Clay to respond, but there’s nothing. Silence.
“Clay, you there?”
“Um yeah, I think I’m stuck on how you figure the guy had to be drunk to dance with you. What kind of shit is that, Niki? You know, last night, for that brief moment, before he turned out to be an ass, it was actually amazing to watch you finally come out from behind that shield you’ve got around you.” He lets out what sounds like a frustrated laugh. “You think guys don’t approach you because they’re not interested? Um no... It’s because you look unapproachable. You’ve got it all, sweetheart, the brains and the beauty. So different from all the other chicks that roll at The Rox, and they know it. Those guys last night saw their chance with you, and they jumped on it.”
“Stop it, Clay. You don’t need to tell me that. I’m a big girl, in more ways than one, and I know the score.”
Clay starts laughing. “Sweetheart, that’s precisely what makes you different and what guys dig. Your curves, baby. Drives them wild because you don’t flaunt it. It’s almost like you don’t know what you got…although, I’m starting to realize maybe you really don’t.”
“Whatever.” I don’t believe a word that’s coming out of his mouth, because I see. I know. “So, are we good now? No more beating yourself up?”
“Yeah, I’m good.” Then his voice deepens and he whispers. “So now, focus. I need details. The kiss. What was it like to kiss that badass commando full of steel?”
“Yeah, not going there.”
“Aww, come on, Niki-cakes, don’t be like that. I’m trying to live vicariously through you!”
“Ha! Since when has my life been more exciting than the illustrious Clay Winters’?”
“Since that badass hot fucker walked back into town, love, that’s when!”
“Clay! Not going there. There’s a lot you don’t know and right now, over the phone, is not the best time to get into it. I have to get back to work. I traded with one of the other doctors to take the hospital shift tonight, to get out of dinner with him. So do you want to get a coffee or something to eat after I get off?”
“Yeah, sure, but why are cancelling on him? I don’t understand.”
I can’t delay telling him about Holt—how he left, what it did to me—much longer. I let out a sigh. “You will.”
After wolfing down my dinner in the car, I head back to the hospital. I purposely shut my phone off because I don’t want to be reminded nor do I want to be overcome by weakness if I start reading texts or hear my phone ring. All thoughts of my bail out and of Holt are washed from my head, at least temporarily, as the night is extremely busy.
By the end of my shift, I’ve treated more than ten patients, including Miffy, an older boxer that was hit by a car. He’s been coming to Hobbs for years, and I’ve become very attached to him. Well, really, I’m attached to all my patients. I mean, I’d only met Kilo once, and I was instantly in love with him. Such is my heart. Thankfully, Miffy’s injuries are only minor and, after a night in the hospital for observation and some healing time, he’ll be back to his normal self.
I run through all the charts with Wesley, who’s taking the next shift and check on Miffy one last time before heading out. I call Clay and tell him to meet me at the diner then try to get rid of some of the collection of animal hair covering my scrubs. After I run a brush through my hair, pinning it up again, I throw on some lip-gloss so I can at least feel a little cleaned up before going out into non-four-legged-friend land.
If I’d known I was going to make plans, I would’ve grabbed a change of clothes. It’s just Clay though, no big deal. He’s seen me in worse than blue scrubs with cute little puppy dogs all over them. I pull out my phone, figuring I’m now safe from temptation since it’s well past eleven. Surely, Holt got the hint and any texts or phone calls stopped hours ago.
Yeah, I couldn’t have been more wrong...
I have seven missed calls and about a dozen texts, not all of them from Holt. Some from Cass. I ignore Holt’s and call Cass.
She answers on the first ring and screams into the phone. “Niki! Why haven’t you called me back?”
“We’ve been busy. And I turned my phone off. I didn’t want to get caught up in reading texts or seeing him call.”
“He came over looking for you, and after about thirty minutes of waiting, he started calling you. I heard some of the voicemails he was leaving you before he left here. He was mad, Niki. I mean mad. Have you listened to any of them yet?”
“What do you mean when he left? You let him in the condo?”
“Well, um, yeah. What was I supposed to
do? That man is scary as shit. He asked me if I knew where you were, and I lied and told him I didn’t know. That maybe there was an emergency at the hospital. I swear to God, I just knew he was going to know I was lying to him, but those damn acting classes must’ve kicked in because I even shocked my damn self at how convincing I sounded.”
He was in our house. Sitting in our living room, looking at my things. That completely pissed me off. How fucking dare he barge back into my life like this? He doesn’t deserve it. Any of it. He doesn’t deserve to know me anymore. To see my accomplishments, to see what I’ve become.
To know what his actions did to me, what he made me: untrusting and lonely.
“He stuck around for a while, but then he left without even telling me. I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, he was gone. Niki, he was mad as hell and, God, after about the second or third message he left you, he started texting like crazy and then just got madder and madder. I was glad he left when he did, because he was starting to scare the shit out of me.”
I brace myself up against the counter as I listen to her words. He’s serious. He really wants to talk to me. Shit.
“Where are you at right now?”
“I’m still at work, about to walk out. I’m meeting Clay at the diner. We’re gonna get a coffee or something so I can make sure he’s good with how things went down last night. I talked to him earlier for a little bit, but you know how Clay is.”
“Okay, well, be careful. He had that same look in his face like when he gave dumb-ass the beat down.”
“Cass, I’m sure by now he’s figured out I have no intention of calling him back. He’s probably in somebody’s bed, probably hers, as we speak.”
“Hmm. We’ll see. You didn’t see his face, and you obviously haven’t listened to any of his voicemails either.”
I hang up with Cass, after telling her I’ll be home in an hour or so. I walk outside to leave, but stop dead in my tracks as I look out into the darkness of the parking lot. Sitting on the hood of his car, looking right at me is Holt. Shit. So much for being in somebody else’s bed. Damn it. What the hell am I going to do?
