The Best Man

by Carol Hutchens

  He had lost control.

  He’d risked his job and his life, to search for Kate after the tsunami disaster. He had torn through red tape that threatened to keep her whereabouts from him. He had needed to search for Kate himself. Breaking rules hadn’t mattered to his broken heart. And in the end, his efforts had meant nothing. He’d lost control. Taken risks. For what?

  He had returned home without Kate.

  He had failed her.

  He wanted to keep that part of his life away from her. That obstacle kept him for telling her how he’d felt about her from the first time he saw her. But he never wanted Kate to know he had failed her.

  Having her think he was no better than Joel tore him apart. With that thought racing through his head, Luke checked on-coming traffic, then whipped the car into a U-turn. Tires of his BMW squealed against the pavement, matching the turmoil in his head.

  Fueled by a fire burning in his gut, Luke pressed down on the gas hoping, praying, he wasn’t too late to help Kate. He wasn’t like Joel. He had failed to find Kate in Thailand…but he’d searched until he was ready to drop. And stayed in the country as long as his visa allowed.

  True, he’d returned home without finding her. But she was here now, and something was wrong. She had looked pale and was sitting in the darkened car. Kate wasn’t careless.

  Something was troubling her so much she didn’t know what she was doing. He intended to find out what. Offer his help.

  Arriving at her apartment, Luke parked among the late night pizza lovers’ vehicles and stomped up the metal stairs running up the side of the building. He didn’t like Kate living in a place this accessible to trouble makers finding their way up the stairs. He’d tried telling her that but her stubborn determination ignored his warnings.

  He knocked on the door. When she didn’t respond, he knocked louder. When she still didn’t come, he called her name. “Kate! It’s me. Open up.”

  Kate’s pale face appeared in the small opening the security chain allowed. “Luke?”

  “Let me in.”

  “What are you doing here? I told you, I’m too tired to go for coffee.”

  “Open up, Kate. We need to talk.”

  She stepped back, and held the door open. A long white terrycloth robe covered her from shoulder to toes, adding to the pale tint of her skin, except for the red blotches around her eyes. Had she been crying?

  “What are you doing here, Luke?”

  “Something you said brought up questions.”

  “At this time of night?” Kate attempted a humorous note. “Can’t this wait until tomorrow?”

  Luke moved past her and dropped in the first chair he came too, making it clear he was staying. “What upset you tonight at the Center?”

  Kate curled up in the corner of the run-down sofa two feet away, and carefully pulled the robe around her so that even her toes were covered. “What makes you think I was upset?”

  “You didn’t look right.”

  “What? You expect me to refresh my make-up before I go to the Crisis Center?” Kate’s chest puffed out, drawing his attention to her breasts above the belted robe. The wide round collar gaped open, revealing cleavage Kate’s conservative office wear concealed. “Since you sound like the Fashion Police, Mr. Sterling, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I make a point of not refreshing my make-up before I go to the shelter. I-many of those women are sporting black eyes and bruises. I don’t want to make them feel worse about the way they look.”

  Luke studied her for long seconds. She was still pale. And it wasn’t just the lack of make-up. Her skin looked drained of all color under what remained of the tan she came home with.

  “Commendable, but that’s not what I meant.”

  Kate’s mouth twisted in a grimace. “What did you mean? I’m tired, Luke. I want to go to bed.”

  “Is that an invitation?”

  Kate’s dark eyes darted to his and widened. Luke saw a mix of emotions in their chocolate depths, and almost lost his last ounce of control. He wanted to pull Kate in his arms and tell her everything would be all right, except Kate wouldn’t admit anything was wrong.

  “You wish,” Kate said, her lips tilting in a near smile. For a second, emotions glimmered in her eyes, then the dullness returned. Her hands twisted in her lap. “Why are you really here, Luke?”

  “Tell me what’s wrong.”

  Kate’s mouth dropped open. Her squinting eyes and the contractions of her smooth throat as she swallowed repeatedly, told him she intended to deny any problem. He was steeling himself to wait out her denial when he saw tears fill her eyes.

  “Kate! What’s wrong?” Luke landed beside her on the lumpy sofa, and reached out an arm to pull her close.

  Kate held up a staying hand. “Okay…I’ll tell you. L-let me get a glass of water.”

  Luke sprung to his feet. He needed to do something. For a second there he’d almost exposed his deep feelings. Kate wouldn’t thank him for revealing his emotions. In fact, he was almost certain she would kick him out the door. After studying her reaction to her former husband these last few weeks, Luke knew she didn’t trust easily.

  He understood. He held his emotions tight to his chest. It was instinct, meant to protect him from getting hurt, but instead of keeping him safe, his actions had lost his first chance with Kate.

  When she first joined the law firm, he hid his reactions to her. He’d worried that her father, as senior partner and mentor, would play favorites when his estranged daughter came to work for him.

  From his point of view, Luke would have done everything in his power to earn the respect of a daughter he had left behind. But Kate’s father never showed any hint of emotion when dealing with her.

  By the time Luke realized Kate’s presence didn’t threaten his desperate need to achieve, he’d had another reason to keep his distance. He’d concentrated so much attention on the interactions of father and daughter, he hadn’t realized thoughts of Kate filled his head day and night.

  Luke took a short tumbler out of the cabinet, because that was the type of glass Kate preferred, and reached for a second glass for himself. He knew Kate’s habits, her dislikes. He knew which item she would pick from a menu.

  He knew which shoes she would have on when he saw her outfit for the day. That intense awareness of another person scared him. He had retreated, and struggled to gain control of his run-away emotions where Kate was concerned. Before he found a comfort level to deal with of his feelings for Kate, Joel had arrived on the scene.

  “Drink this.”

  “I’m sorry, Luke.”

  Luke resisted the urge to sit beside her and moved to the chair facing her. But the tone in her voice caused his stomach to roil as he asked, “For what?”

  Kate took a long sip of water then looked at him over the rim of the glass. “For making you worry.”

  Luke’s fingers tightened around his glass and he poured water down his throat to defeat his need to hold her. “That’s what friends are for.”

  He wanted more than friendship from Kate. He’d faced that fact not long after Joel swept her off her feet. But he hadn’t said anything, thinking he was acting in her best interest.

  That was the reason he couldn’t reveal his feelings for her now. After her brush with death, Kate had goals she wanted to accomplish. He understood. He wanted her feel the success of success. Wanted her confidence validated and her sense of worth restored. He wanted to help Kate live her dreams.

  Even if they weren’t the same as his dreams.

  He took another gulp of water. “But tell me what’s wrong, and I’ll stop worrying.”

  Kate shrugged, causing her robe to gap open as she set the empty glass on the end table at her elbow. “It’s silly,” she sighed as her words spilled into thudding roar of the jute box music from the shop below. The constant vibration of sound was like living near the ocean and having the roar of the waves in your head all the time. “I over-reacted. Maybe the director is right. Maybe I
am too worn out to deal with their problems.”

  Luke’s brow wrinkled. “The director upset you?”

  Kate sent him a startled look. “You thought it was one of my clients? Why would you think that?”

  Luke went on alert. His eyes dropped from her glance as he shifted in sagging cushion of the worn chair. “That’s all that made sense to me?”

  “Did you hear something?” Kate sat forward on the edge of the sofa. Her dark eyes studied him with an alertness she hadn’t shown when he first arrived.

  “No,” Luke crossed a leg over his knee and plucked at the crease in his dark gray pants, “but that was the only thing that made sense.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  Luke hesitated, realizing his knowledge of her reactions might be revealed in the next few moments. Relief and a sense of fear fought for release inside him. He squared his shoulders and prepared for Kate to discover how much he watched over her. “When you left the office, you seemed okay.”

  Ouch! Not the brave declaration of his emotional involvement he’d intended…but he’d done a complete about face in case Kate wasn’t ready to hear the truth. He’d chosen caution instead of a strong declaration of his feelings. Where was the force when he needed it?

  Kate expelled a sigh. “You’re right. It wasn’t a client.” Her fingers pleated the robe’s thick belt. “The director implied I wasn’t doing a good job?”

  “Has she lost her mind?”

  Kate shrugged. Tears clogged the back of her throat. She recalled the initial shock when the director as good as told her she wasn’t good enough. Words too much like the way she’d felt as a child...and even in her marriage. Pain surged over her. Rejection flared in her chest.

  She at glanced at Luke. Seeing the fury on his face eased some of her pain. “She…wants more successful attorneys.”

  “Excuse me? After you’ve practically lived there, helping any way you could, she’s rejecting your help?”

  “She thinks the Center needs to attract more well known volunteers.”

  Luke surged to his feet and paced in the confined space behind the chair, feeling the weight of his wish come true. Kate would stop going to the Crisis Center. She would be out of danger. He could relax his guard and know she was safe.

  But at what cost? His comfort came at the cost of immense pain. He could see the strain lining her face. He wanted her safe...but he wanted Kate to be happy. How did he balance the scales? What did his relief matter when she was suffering? His issues weren’t important. Kate’s goals were. “I’ll talk to the director first thing in the morning.”

  “No.” Kate sat upright as she squawked that one word. She eased back against the sofa and shrugged. “I don’t want to go where I’m not wanted.” She made a snorting sound and struggled for a lighter tone. “I get enough of that at work.”

  How could she reveal she’d seen the relief in his expression when she’d told him what the director said? How could she explain that much as she needed to prove herself, she didn’t want to worry him? If he asked for an explanation, what would she say?

  Putting herself out there, exposing her emotions for Luke to accept or reject demanded more courage than she had right now. She was still working on her self-confidence in personal relationships. She’d made progress. Now, she didn’t expect rejection with every encounter.

  But the director’s word had been a blow. One she could deal with, but it still hurt, knowing she’d given her all to helping out at the Center and it wasn’t enough. She’d never been enough. Much as she loved life and enjoyed her work, she always felt she was clinging on by her fingernails.

  Except for now...seeing Luke’s rapidly changing emotions, knowing he’d made a special trip to check on her, gave her a rush of warm feelings she never wanted to lose.

  She took a shuddering breath and swallowed, not from disappointment, but from the rush of longing threatening to astound her. Having Luke in her apartment, knowing she was nearly naked under the robe, brought memories of their night together back in full force. She’d vowed she wouldn’t think about that night. Promised she wouldn’t remember Luke’s touch...

  But all she had to do was look in his eyes. Or stand close enough to him to smell his aftershave and feel the heat from his body. Or see his one-sided grin. Or notice his long fingers as he passed her a document or glass of water, and she was lost.

  Heat flared inside her, filling her with longing and warming secret parts of her body. She inhaled through her nostrils and smoothed the terry cloth robe over her thighs, trying to relieve the tension gripping her body.

  What if Luke didn’t want her? What if all his kindness came from friendship? Or worse, what if all his concern stemmed for the actions of a partner in the law firm and not from personal feelings?

  She wanted Luke.

  She admitted that, now, when she’d denied it all this time. It didn’t matter that she intended reinventing the future on her own. Wanting Luke wasn’t new. Her feelings resurfaced after her return from Thailand, as did the awful truth about her disastrous marriage to Joel. And she couldn’t act on either.

  Privately, she accepted the truth, that she’d had feelings for Luke before Joel arrived in her life. But she couldn’t show how clearly she could see things after nearly dying because of Joel. His spoiled playground bully mentality demanded he always take what someone else wanted.

  Though, to be truthful, she could tell Joel had changed. Maybe the near death experience opened his eyes. He seemed to care deeply for Laurel. Kate respected that, but still she kept her emotions hidden.

  Even if Joel had changed, she couldn’t risk letting Luke see how she felt, especially after they’d made love.

  She knew him too well.

  Luke kept his emotions in tight control. He would never let sentiment rule him. She knew that fact as well as she knew her own name. The fact that they had spent the night together changed everything.

  Luke wasn’t like her father. He wasn’t one of those men who could distance themselves from a woman they cared about. That’s how her father had slipped up and created a baby with the wife he didn’t love.

  Luke wasn’t cold blooded, like her father, but he wouldn’t appreciate learning the memory of their night of lovemaking stayed in her head, yet she kept her distance. But she hadn’t worked out some things that troubled her. And she couldn’t form a relationship until she had answers.

  She couldn’t make her impression of Luke fit. Luke kept control of his emotions, yet he had gone searching for her after the disaster. Until she understood his actions, she couldn’t expose her feelings.

  And she didn’t dare ask him...the future of the law firm was at stake. Never mind her personal feelings. She had to put the law firm first. The firm had become more than just the evidence of her father’s absence in her childhood.

  The firm was more than her inheritance. Yes, several people’s livelihood depended on the firm and she was one of them. But after recent events, she realized the firm’s importance extended beyond having a secure position.

  After hearing what the director of the Crisis Center had to say, Kate realized success of the firm was part of her success at gaining independence. She had chosen to stay at the law practice. And with that decision, she’d made succeeding as an attorney a part of her goal.

  If her reaction to Luke’s explanation caused tension in the firm, or resulted in the firm losing clients, then the words of the Center’s director carried a note of truth. Kate refused to believe any other firm could give the Center more, could help clients more, than she had. And she intended to prove the director wrong.

  But the firm’s welfare was just an excuse. Deep down, she knew the real reason she couldn’t just blurt out the question to Luke.

  If his answer was something she found it impossible to live with, what then? She could think of several responses that would destroy their working relationship. Things like the insurance company covering the members of the firm demanding a personal id
entification or a body. Or maybe authorities needed identification of remains and Joel refused to return to Thailand.

  Or, the absolute worst answer possible, what if Luke went to Thailand because of her father’s wishes? If he’d gone out of duty...

  Trouble was, she new what she wanted him to say. With every fiber of her being, she wanted Luke to say he’d gone to search for her because he cared for her. And if that wasn’t the answer to her question, she and the rest of the people working at the firm, were better off not knowing why he’d made that trip.

  “That makes no sense at all,” Luke said after long seconds. He pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head..

  “I didn’t understand—”

  “This is ridiculous. You’ve given too much time and helped too many women, for the director to say something like. It doesn’t make sense.”

  Kate’s breath caught. She jerked upright. Blood raced through her veins as she stared at him and voiced her thoughts aloud. “Maybe it does?”

  “Come on, Kate—”

  Kate leaned forward eagerly. “No, think for a minute…what if this was...I don’t know... a code, maybe.”

  “What code?” Luke sank back in the chair. “You mean a hidden message?”

  Kate bobbed up and down, breathless in her excitement. “Yes, exactly.”

  “Kate—”

  “It could be. Think about it. You said the director should appreciate all the time I’ve given the Center, instead of asking me to leave.” She gulped air. “She is grateful for everything I do, I know she is. She’s told me several times how much my help has meant to her and the Center’s residents.” Kate bounced on the cushion, her eyes glowing. “She’s trying to send me a message, Luke. I know it.”

  “Wait a minute.” Luke leaned forward, bringing him close to her. “What kind of message?” Lifting a hand, he ticked off points on his fingers. “You said she wanted volunteers that attracts attention—”

  Kate leaped to her feet. “That’s it!” She paced in front of the sofa and whirled around to face him. “It’s so obvious, now. How did I miss that?”