Assisted Living: A Novel

by Nikanor Teratologen

  —Why, he’s hornier than a hog, Hugo laughed, gripping Grandpa’s sprucecone as hard as he could.

  And when Grandpa opened his mouth to holler, Ralf Marklund shoved his halflimp stoolpress into Grandpa’s gaping mouth.

  —God help you if you don’t suck like Jesus unmanning the three wise men, he threatened, because I’ll come down on you like a herd of lunchladies gone wild!

  Grandpa obediently puckered up his little mouth and started taking long, deep, luscious pulls. He worked so hard he had twin gaps in his cheeks. Johan smeared his bullcock with Kabylemustard and brutally ripped open Grandpas hinterhillocks. Then, with a girlychirp he crammed his bluebaton into Grandpa’s bruise-dandlubed sewerpipe. He started off slow. Ralf tenderly cradled Grandpa’s laboring head, controlling the tempo, while Johan tookept it nice and easy so he could reach the cerebralhemorrhage he was aiming for. Grandpa bobbed up and down like a buoy, eyes wide and staring, and it was a wonder his brittle skeleton held up as well as it did.

  —Surely you can see how much better it is to be tame than troublesome, Ralf declared for the sake of the show. I’m betting that before long we’ll bleed the Nazi right out of you.

  —You a proud Aryan now? Hugo barked and crept forward on his knees to shove himself awkwardly in Grandpa’s bloody, aristocratic face.

  Grandpa tried to shake his head, but this disturbed Ralf, who was just about to reach the Big O. He dug his nails into Grandpa’s skull and stuck his thumbs into Grandpa’s ears, pulling and twisting until Grandpa’s ostrichneck cracked dangerously.

  —By the saltycream stuck up Sven Wollter’s numbertwofunnel, it’ll be down the hatch, he declared angrily.

  By this time, Johan was in his own world. He looked like he was suffocating, panting and puffing and generally carrying on. Each thrust took his whole twelve inches. His balls thudded heavily on Grandpa’s emaciated hams; the tempo approached eighty beats a minute. Hugo stared at me with unfocused eyes and played with his raw sausage.

  —What do you think, fuckmite, he asked hoarsely and gave a deep sigh of contentment as a fist went up his ass, can you make your head go like a yoyo? If so, you can have a taste of my magnificent hotrod.

  —You horngeezer, I snorted dismissively.

  —You’re as foulmouthed as a washedupwhore, he growled, but as you’re about to find out, nothing can help you now, not the skin of your teeth nor the milk in your breasts.

  —Why don’t you bend over and lick your own pussy, cuntface!

  —Hellfireandbrimstone! he roared and lunged at me with his pants down around his ankles. You devil, I’ll kill you!

  Unfortunately, he tripped and fell headlong to the ground. And while he was down, I kicked his wildrasperrysized testies blackandblue and bit off his left eyebrow. Panting, Hugo dragged himself into a corner.

  —No fucking diva gypsyboys going to suck my magnificent batteringram anyway, he moaned and chafed and coddled his brokenpride. He probably sucks worse than a socialfuckingdemocrat with mumps, so it’s not like I’m missing anything.

  In the meantime, the Big Bosses had begun to cum.

  —Iiiihh! howled Ralf Marklund, pulling his infected, wartyrod out of Grandpa’s throat so he could mess on his face.

  The lidless mirrors to Grandpa’s soul dripped with spermpus and urethraslop.

  —Uuuuhh! roared Johan Westermark, dragging his pimply trollpole out of Grandpa’s betterhalf. Slimecoated sperm pumped from its tip like foam from a fireextinguisher and covered Grandpa’s atrophied, writhing flesh.

  —Lord Jesus and those fuckhungry cribbiters, Ralf whispered and wiped himself on Grandpa’s nicotinestained wisps of hair, that hit the spot, you bastards.

  Johan shut his eyes and swallowed a little of his own seed.

  —Hey Ralf, Grandpageezer may be evil as Snoddas and ugly as my old ma, but his mouth and ass are open 24/7. Ume-Eskil once told me that Grandpa sucks like Ebbe and backbumps like Sighsten, Johan said and untied the mouseskinstrip.

  —Eskils a lovely old spermburping cumbag, Grandpa said in a choked voice and stretched his creaky danceofdeathcarcass. Then he propped himself gingerly on the potbellypillows and lit a methtartciggi.

  —But I’ll never forgive him for being crazy enough to compare me to those epicenequeens. Fact is, I’m the tastiest asswipe to ever suck on a pissrag.

  Grandpa sat there and smoked like a lady, a coquettish smile gloomily playing across his ravaged features.

  —I’ve gotta thank you, he finally mumbled in servile embarrassment, placing his hands on his rapists’ limp dicks. By Satan, you boys know how to make someone feel like a real woman.

  —Ugachaka! Hugo shrieked and crept to the edge of the bed on all fours.

  —Why, Hugo baby, Slurpykiss laughed scornfully, what the hell happened to you? You’re a bloody mess from the top of your head to the tip of your fountainpen.

  —Furry critters with cunts! Silvergran swore. The boy went apeshit and tried to jump me. But look here, he exclaimed and dipped his bottomfeeding finger into Grandpas own vomithued spermpuddle, which formed a glaring contrast to the palegray fucksauce the steers had pumped out.

  —Fuck me, you’ve sexed up your last retardchild, dirtbag!

  —You’re about to see how it feels when the priestmeat burns, Ralf declared dramatically. The fact that you enjoyed yourself just now like a ditz on a pizzle really irks me, he added and disappeared into the kitchen.

  He came back with a fryingpan and bashed Grandpa’s head with it until his right eyeball popped out and dangled against his cheek.

  —Easy there, old dame, Johan laughed, let Hugo torture him a bit before he’s too far gone to feel any pain.

  —Devil in my pants! I promise to be cruel, Siljabloo, you can count on me, Hugo said and stuck his prick in Grandpa’s empty eyesocket.

  —Too bad Elisha Burr Myregg isn’t here, Johan sighed, he likes theroughstuff. I remember how he tormented that pair of Jehovah’s witnesses to death at the intestinalfest in Lauker.

  —Ralf and I will get the job done, Hugo said. But keep him still, oh my lord and master.

  He waddled to the garderoband took out a roll of barbedwire, some pipecleaners, a pair of sheepsheers, a kerosenelamp, a tub of glue, and a hose.

  —When we’re done with you, not even the corpsefucking fibromyalgic moose that Gunnar Grönland shot the balls off will want to shag you, he said. Being beautiful is a pain in the ass, he gigged and fed a strand of barbedwire into Grandpas moistoyster.

  At the same time, Ralf prodded a pipecleaner up Grandpa’s urethra.

  —You’re just an old kinkyminky, growled Frau Westermark when Grandpa struggled like a Gadareneswine and shrieked like an almightybaby. Hugo stuffed barb after barb into my howling Grandpa, and auntie Ralf crowned him with more barbedwire still. Johan held him a little tighter as Hugo ripped out what he’d just pushed in. Grandpa fainted. He was as broken and bloody as a beaten shiprat.

  —I have a nasty pisshardon, Ralf declared and stuck his bloated-tumor into Grandpa’s sweet ass. You look like you could use some fertilizer, he scoffed and pissed in Grandpas gut.

  Hugo smeared diarrhea between Grandpas lips when he started to come around.

  —Time to beat him blackandblue, boys, and then I’m going to flambé him, Ralf said.

  —You’re a real joker, tittycrusher, Johan sneered and grabbed Grandpa again.

  —Struggle and fuss as much as you want, buggerdevil, because you’re about to get what you’re begging for!

  Slurpykiss lit the kerosenelamp and smiled like a pious girlchild swallowing a severeddick.

  —Say something nasty about Hitler, he commanded.

  —He licks pussy!

  —More! Worse!

  —He was born of a woman!

  —Oh, you naughty little cockgobbler! You don’t really think you’re going escape the fires of hell just because you badmouthed Amos Hitler, do you?

  Ralf moved the hissing, purple flame toward Grandpa’s spread cheeks. T
he flames licked his soiled tangle of hair and turned it to ash in a second. Slurpykiss pressed the mouth of the kerosenelamp tight against Grandpa’s analopening and let the flame eat into his gut. Grandpa squealed like Holy Berndt when the Lardskinleague was strapping on the slaughtermask. It smoked like the ovens of Arschwitz and reeked like boymeetsgirl. Grandpas voice broke, his body shook with spasms, and his cock spurted sludge.

  —Stop horsing around! Johan cried, You’ll kill him!

  —Yeah, for Gunde’s sake, don’t off him while he’s still having fun, Hugo agreed.

  Ralf turned off the gas with the expression of a fermentedher-ring who wakes up in its own juice.

  —So what the fuck now? he asked listlessly and slunk toward the window, which looked out on Ethanol Hooker Street. In the meantime, the firechief put out the fire in Grandpas ass with the hose, and Hugo hesitated between the sheepsheers and the gluetub.

  —Hey look, there goes Olga Saur! Ralf exclaimed suddenly. And Pirjo Propp! Invite them in, Hugosatan, so they can catch a ride on Grandpa!

  Wild with schadenfreude, Hugo dashed out, breasts bobbing, while the other oldboys prepared Grandpa for what was sure to be the most degrading thing to ever happen to him.

  —You, so proud you’d never touched a whatthefuckarethey-called, oh yeah, woman!

  —You bragging about how you knew Immanuel Cunt’s Critique of the Unclean Pussy inside and out!

  —We’ll teach you to like three holes, and may God have mercy on you if you don’t stay hard, pisscunt!

  —This’ll be the funniest thing to happen since Moses and Aaron held their wankoff contest!

  Grandpa couldn’t make a sound, but he looked so pathetic I started to cry. The oldbags came strutting in with Hugo in tow. Olga Saur was small and dry and had teddybeareyes, Pirjo Propp was big and juicy and listed to the side.

  —So this is Grandpa, Olga confirmed to herself. Hugo said you’re drooling for some cunt.

  —He’s always ready and willing, Ralf assured them.

  —Then the old cock’s about to get sweaty, Pirjo said and bared her bloody cloaca.

  Grandpa shook like a lickedclit, and his cracked lips parted with the devils own groan. Hugo and Johan each grabbed one of his arms, and Ralf laid himself across his skinny legs. Pirjo took out her dentures, squatted down and took Grandpas balls into her cavernous flytrap. Her supporthose was mended with nailpolish. Grandpa gave a brainpiercing shriek and then fainted. Johan earboxed him back to life. Olga unbuttoned her official countrycouncilwoman-jacket, folded up her prostheticleg, and began to lick Grandpa’s withered hobbyhorse. The women worked up a froth with their saliva, but his cock stayed limp. Grandpa prayed in Hebrew and Ralf gestured to Pirjo to try kissing him. No matter how hard they tried, though, his dick remained down. Finally, they took a smokebreak.

  —He’s one nasty devil all right, Propp said in a horrified voice, snuffing out her cigar.

  —You hear such things about him.

  —Irma had a helluva time with him.

  —I know what we could do! Ralf exclaimed, brightening up. I’ll fuck the kid, that’ll put some juice in old Grandpa’s bag.

  He forced me to my knees and made me take him in my mouth. I greedily sucked his pamperedcock and kneaded his lankyballs, but he was as hard to get going as Grandpa had been.

  —Satan’s leech! Slurpykiss exploded and gave me a fist between the eyes. When I tumbled to the ground, he kicked me in the back of the head with his safetyshoes until I passed out.

  When I came around, Johan was prying open my shitseat. He pulled me hard against his calloused fist, and then slowly forced in his nawyprick.

  —It won’t help to pout and fuss, Hugo told me and scalped me with the sheepsheers, while Johan burst my gut.

  I was swallowed by the creepingdark and met the light that never warms.

  —Hate and suffer, it commanded me. You’re the Grandpa now.

  It showed me the whole world and then the ovenuniverse, and

  I learned Kågedalen was everywhere. And that there must always be a Grandpa. From up above I suddenly saw Drängsmark and Hugo’s house. Then I was floating in a corner and I saw myself being Arabfucked by Master Westermark so hard that the bedclothes steamed. I was feverish, but I looked dead. Grandpa was convulsing on his back on the floor. Hugo and Ralf had him by the shoulders and were forcing him to watch Johan’s raw murderfuck. Pirjo Propp had Grandpa’s legs and Olga Saur rode his shamefaced cock. She panted and labored with her festeringcrack snug around my Grandpa’s tarnished joystick. Grandpas mouth was open like he was shrieking, but I couldn’t hear a thing. Olga worked him with all the frenzy only deadestrus can give. Pirjo piddled his balls with a retardedgrin. Ralf laughed unshedtears and greedily jacked off. Hugo alone had hold of Grandpa’s head and shoulders now and was still forcing him to watch as Johan violated my little body. Grandpa’s hands were nailed to the floor and he had a batteryoperated Luciacrown on his head. His upper body was naked, but he’d kept his chaps.

  —Grandpa looks like a god, I said to myself, then his remaining eye popped out of its socket. He trembled and quaked and turned red as a lobster. His colostomybag burst, his dinner came up. I saw in and through him. His heart broke, his brain burned, his soul shriveled down to nothing.

  Olga rolled off Grandpa with sperm dripping from her sick cunt. Then I was pulled away and woke up with evil still muttering in my flesh. I lay on a big offalheap about a gallstones throw from Silvergrans yard. I was burned, scraped, and stung, but I was impossible to subdue. My ass ached and my crown smarted, but Grandpa had fared far worse. He was on his stomach next to me. I turned over and saw he was dead. They’d cut off his balls and nipples and sliced off his cock. He had it in his mouth.

  I stole Hugo’s wheelbarrow and wrestled Grandpa into it. Then I plowed my way through bogs and pinemoors, shrouded by night, frozen by wind, whipped by rain. When dawn finally poked a hole in night’s hoary pupil, the freezing rain turned to sleet. I huddled naked under a logdump in Ersmarksbodarna, took a catnap, and ate a rat. When evening came, I shoved off again. The capercailliewoods were like a thousand bombedout cathedrals. The night entered my bones and whispered lewd propositions. Firs brooded over an ancient evil, they’d wandered down from Siberia to spread darkness over the Aryan heartland. They had to be sure they settled close enough to suffocate each other, though. The tufts of grass were springy, but groves of berrybushes made a stand, and stones and roots lashed out. Fallen trunks barred the way, mud turned slick as ice. The darkness had no heart, the paths had forgotten why they existed. But I trudged on and made good time; well after nightfall I was there. I stole into the Lansförsamlingen churchyard and found a good resting place next to an old conifer, maybe a black-or turpentinepine. I grabbed a spade and dug a hole and tipped my Grandpa in. Then I went to the mortuarychapel and dragged out a reinforcedconcreteslab. Iscratched the word “Grandpa” into it with a nail. Then I read a Mass. Since I had a cold and was frozen to the bone, though, I tried to fill in the hole as quick as I could.

  I leaned the gravestone against an ashtray and then sat down on a treeroot. Kama-Mara came by and babbled about violence and sex, and I promised to do my best, since I owed Grandpa that much. He bellowed, full of hatred and lust … the Kali Yuga will ramble on … And then I was alone … As it was ordained from the beginning. As it has always been. When the light finally forced its way through nights hymen, slow but stubborn, I stood up.

  —I loved you, I mumbled and pissed a few salty drops on Grandpas grave.

  I wanted home.

  I’m Grandpa now.

  __________

  LUES—an old name for syphilis

  SVENSK DAMTIDNING—Swedish equivalent of the Ladies’ Home Journal

  MASTER HÄMMERLEIN—the Devil

  MBD-GEEZER—MBD stands for Minimal Brain Dysfunction, now known as ADHD

  ERNST RÖHM—Nazi leader, well-known homosexual

  KEKKONENCIGAR—Urho Kekkonen, a former Finnish presidentr />
  PER ALBIN—former leader of the Swedish Social Democrats and fourtime prime minister

  FRU ÖBERG—an old, weird, quarrelsome pipesmoking woman

  HENRY RINNAN—Gestapo agent

  PIEPEL—young ass in a concentration camp

  TOMMY ALEXANDERSSON—killed five people in 1989, nicknamed “The Butcher”

  TONTON MACOUTE—Haitian paramilitary force

  SVEN WOLLTER—Swedish actor

  SIGHSTEN—Herrgård: Swedish fashion designer, well known for his unisex clothing designs; he is credited with “giving AIDS a face” in Sweden

  EBBE—Nils “Ebbe” Knut Carlsson; Swedish journalist and publisher who revealed his homosexuality, and the fact that he had contracted HIV, on television in 1991

  SILJABLOO—Gunnar “Siljabloo” Nilsson, popular Swedish jazz musician and renowned scat singer

  GADARENE SWINE—the herd of pigs Jesus cast demons into

  GUNDE—Gunde Svan, Swedish cross country skier and oddball cloaca—old term for sewer

  KAMA-MARA—Siddhartha Gautama’s adversaries, the demons of desire and death

  KALI YUGA—worst of the cosmological cycles

  XXXV

  It’s been a week since they killed Grandpa … Eons … I can’t stay here alone … I’m going to Skellefteå …

  Skellefteå … I live in a garbageroom again … nothing but sourdough and mustardseeds to eat … I wander around like the dead … I remember all we did together … Drink my cares away and stare into the black empty heavens, the soul’s darknight … That’s all there is left … nothing else to tell … just fragments … “Do I alone hear this melody, which so wonderfully and softly …”

  If anyone ever reads what I’ve written, they’ll wonder who I was …

  Just a nameless boy who was forced to be a Grandpa, but couldn’t do it …

  Just another animal in the chaos …

  Christmas … I visited the grave last night and talked to Grandpa … Begged to go to him … Said I couldn’t do it anymore … He said it’ll all be over soon … Abaddon’s angels will take me away … He knows I’ve written about him, but he’s forgiven me …