Bound Together

by Marie Coulson

  Lifting himself onto his elbows he gazed down at me and wiped my tears with his thumbs. “What’s wrong?”

  Rolling over and out from under him I curled into the fetal position, buried my face in my hands and sobbed uncontrollably. His arms snaked around my waist as he pulled me against him so that our bodies lay spooning against one another. Brushing the hair from my face, he kissed my cheek and hushed me.

  “Shhh, baby, come on, it’s alright. Layla stop please, I can’t stand to see you cry like this.”

  Turning to face him I looked into his piercing blue eyes and sniffled, swiping the tears from my cheeks. “I’m a whore Jared. A cheating, lying whore.”

  Holding my head to his chest he shook his head. “No Layla. I won’t tolerate you talking about yourself that way. Why would you even think that?”

  “Jared, I’m dating Oliver and I just had sex with you! Tell me there’s not something completely sick about everything I did tonight.”

  “Layla I love you. I love you with every fiber of my being and what we just did, making love, was nothing but an act of that deep passionate emotion. I know you love me too so what we just did wasn’t wrong. It’s the only right thing I’ve done in months.”

  Turning away from him I snuggled down into my pillow and continued to cry. My mess had just turned into a bomb site. “Please leave me alone Jared. I need to be by myself.” Taking his arms from around my waist he begrudgingly left the bed. Standing at the door he glanced back at me and raked his fingers through his hair shaking his head. “I love you Layla. I can’t be sorry for making love to you. I just wish you weren’t sorry for wanting it.” Closing my eyes, I sobbed into my pillow and as the door closed behind him, I felt the breaking of my heart as fresh as it had been all those months ago. I should have listened to the warnings, should have stayed away and protected myself but most of all I should have chosen Ollie that night.

  Chapter 42

  Unfaithful

  I woke feeling numb. I must have laid there for over an hour just staring at the ceiling. I could hear Jared moving about downstairs and I knew he’d had as little sleep as I had. Thinking over the events of our night together sent a shiver up my spine and as I looked at the clock, I knew I didn’t have much time. I needed to get home, back to the dorms and wait for Ollie. My stomach churned as I thought over what I might say, do and feel when I saw him. Getting out of bed I headed to the bathroom and quickly showered before scooping up my clothes. My torn panties on the floor were a bitter reminder of my betrayal. Snatching them up I dumped them in the trash where they and I belonged. That’s all I was, cheap trash.

  Jared had brought me a pair of his shorts to wear in their place and slipping them on I couldn’t help but feel dirty. Once I was dressed I made my way to the kitchen. Standing with his palms on the countertop, dressed in his black pants and white t-shirt, was Jared. He was staring out of the window and the hard hitting and soulful voice of Amy Winehouse echoed over the sound system. The words hit me like arrows in the heart. Singing about still loving someone in the morning after a night of passion, her words could have been written about the two of us and I understood his song choice immediately.

  I’d wanted, ached and needed him that night and yet now I was detached and closed off from him. My heart was too afraid to feel, for fear of shattering into millions of tiny shards; and my own sadness and hatred of myself consumed me as I stood in the door way. “I need to go home. Ollie will be back soon.” Hanging his head he nodded but continued to face away from me.

  “Will you tell him?”

  A lump formed in my throat as I stared at him. His body was tense and his voice was filled with pain. “Yes. I have to. I can’t lie to him. It’ll hurt, but it’ll hurt more if I keep it from him.”

  “Do you love him?” Tears welling in my eyes I swallowed hard. “Jared.” Clenching his fist he slammed it on the counter.

  “Just. Answer the question Layla. I need to hear it.” He turned to face me, his eyes full of pain, anger and darkness.

  “I can’t love him.” I stared down at my hands as I mindlessly rubbed and stroked my right hand where his ring had once been. “Because I could never stop loving you.” He winced and I knew my words were bitter sweet. There was a ‘but’ hanging in the air and we both knew it only too well. “But it doesn’t change anything. I can’t be with you Jared. My heart aches from what we did last night. Us, our history, it still hurts too much.” Walking over to him I placed my hand over his chest and taking his pendant from his neck I lifted it over his head. Holding it in my palm I pressed my forehead against his and let out a long breath. The diamond sparkled in the light and the inscription gleamed.

  “You have to let me go. We have to let this go. Or we’ll tear each other apart.” Tears rolled down his cheek and cupping his face in my hands I brushed them away with my thumbs before placing a chaste kiss on his lips.

  Releasing him, I dropped the pendant on the countertop and walked away. The Mercedes was parked on the driveway and seeing me approaching through the foyer, Daniel opened the passenger door. A loud smash reverberated through the hall and I glanced back toward the kitchen holding my breath. But he wasn’t coming after me this time. It was over. Closing the door behind me, I walked out to the car and slid in. The moment the door was closed, I fell apart. Respecting my need for privacy, Daniel slid the screen between us allowing me to sob and cry my heart out alone in the back seat.

  The drive back to dorm was the longest journey of my life and as we pulled into the parking lot my heart plummeted as a hot red, gleaming Ducati caught my eye. I felt nauseous and my insides twisted as grief swept through me. Opening the door, Daniel gave me a sympathetic look. “Take care Miss Jennings.” I nodded. “Thank you Daniel. Take care of him for me. He needs someone to care about him.” Tipping his hat he got in and drove away, leaving me alone on the sidewalk.

  The whole place was deserted as it always was on a Sunday morning. Staring at the ground, I walked slowly to the entrance of the building. I froze, glued to the spot as I came face to face with Ollie. Sitting on the ground, with his arms wrapped around his knees, he stared at me with the saddest brown eyes I’d ever seen. Tears threatened again as I swallowed hard, gulping my sorrow down into my chest where it constricted and left me breathless. Tears were in his eyes and from the red and blotchy patches on his cheeks I knew he’d been crying. Sniffling and shuddering through my tears, I sobbed. Pressing my hand over my mouth as each heart wrenching sound left my lips. “I missed you so I came back early. I went upstairs and when you weren’t there I made Amy tell me where you were. She told me about your dinner. And then you pulled up in his car, well I guess I don’t have to ask. That paired with the distraught look on your face right now tells me all I need to know.”

  Swiping his own tears away with his hands he stared at me shaking his head.

  “I’m sorry Ollie. I’m so sorry. I never planned for it to happen. I swear.”

  Looking away he let out a snort of laughter. “I never stood a chance did I Layla? It was always going to be him. You were never going to be mine. I was kidding myself.”

  “No Ollie, I care about you so much. All I’ve ever wanted was to give you everything and to be everything you want me to, but…”

  “But you can’t stop loving him. And as long as you love him, you can’t love me.” His expression instantly turned from sadness to determination as he breezed past me towards his motorcycle.

  Sprinting after him, I yelled and pleaded for him to stop and think about what he was doing. “Ollie, please just wait, let’s talk about this. Please don’t go. Not like this. Not when you’re angry.”

  Grabbing his helmet, he turned to face me. “Was it worth it?”

  I stood speechless for a moment. “What?”

  “You heard me. Was it worth it? How was it? Good?” He was furious and his words cut through me.

  “No. It was…I don’t know Ollie. It just happened. I can’t explain it but it won’t ever happ
en again I swear. I ended it. Please just hear me out.”

  He shook his head. “There’s nothing to say. You fucked your ex-boyfriend and you don’t and can’t love me. I don’t see much point in talking that out Layla.” Slipping his helmet on, he revved up the Ducati and gazed at me with a pained expression before flipping his visor down and speeding out of the parking lot.

  I fell to the ground heaving, and gasping for air. I felt as though the oxygen had been ripped from my lungs as my heart screamed I told you so in my ears. Two hands gripped my shoulders and it startled me. “I thought it was you I heard screaming out here.” Appearing at my side as if by magic, Mel hauled me off the ground and pulled me inside the building. Safely inside my room I broke down. “Oh my god what have I done. I’ve destroyed everything. I’m a whore, a slut and god awful human being.” Sitting me down on the bed Mel sat beside me as Amy emerged from the bathroom. She gave me a stern look and I could see she was pissed at what I’d done. “Amy please don’t hate me. No one can possibly hate me more than I do right now.” Rolling her eyes, she sat the other side of me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. “Oh Layla. You really have made the most awful mess. What were you thinking?”

  “I wasn’t thinking. I was all caught up in the sexual attraction of it all. The dinner was, I don’t know. He made me laugh and he took care of me. I couldn’t help it, my emotions took me over and before I knew it we were in bed together.” Mel let out a long sigh. “I don’t think you can get past this Layla. Ollie was really upset when he realized where you were. I’ve never seen someone look so completely devastated. Please tell me you ended it with Jared that he’s not expecting some great reunion between the two of you.” I shook my head.

  “No, it’s over. I told him we have to move on and forget about each other. He must have understood because he didn’t come after me this time. But the worst part, the part that is tearing me to shreds is that no matter how much I know what I did was wrong, I love him. I wanted him and I let it happen. We made love and I felt complete, like I was whole again lying there wrapped in his arms. Now I feel like there’s a horrible hole in my stomach. I hate myself for what I’ve done to Ollie and I hate that I can’t stop loving Jared!” Climbing into bed I continued to sob. I cried until I could cry no more and just when I thought I had nothing left, I cried again.

  At my request Amy and Mel had left me alone to go and hang out in Mel’s dorm room. She’d been lucky enough to get a private single room so they would be able to be in there as long as they wanted. I was grateful of the peace as my body, mind and emotions were exhausted. Curling up on my bed, I fell into a deep and grief stricken sleep. “Layla. Wake up.” I turned over and slowly opened my eyes unsure if I was hallucinating or dreaming.

  Crouching beside my bed was Ollie. Quickly, I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him tightly as relief swept through me. He’d been so mad when he left that I was terrified he’d be in an accident or decided to never come back at all. “I’m so glad you’re safe. I was worried sick.” Placing his hands on my back he held me to him and buried his face in my neck. Pulling away, I sat motionless and silent, waiting for him to say something, anything, but when he didn’t, I knew I had to say something. “Ollie, I’m so sorry. I hate myself for what I did and I understand if you never want to see me again but…”

  He stopped me pressing his fingers to my lips. “Stop. Just this once, don’t say anything and listen instead.”

  He gazed into my eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t care.”

  I stared at him confused. “You slept with Jared. And I don’t care. Well, I care, of course I care. It’s ripping me apart but I won’t let it destroy us. I waited too long for my chance with you to let him obliterate our relationship with one night. I know what it’s like to be completely in love with someone Layla. It drives you crazy and you do things you never intended. Like kissing someone in a dorm room when their boyfriend is out of town.” I couldn’t believe what he was saying. Not only had he come back, he was coming back to me.

  “How many times did it happen?”

  “Once, I swear and I felt awful right after. I cried myself to sleep over it and what I’d done to you.”

  He held up his hand, indicating for me to be quiet. “Is it over?”

  I nodded and stared at the floor. “Ok.”

  Placing his helmet beside my bed, he took off his t-shirt and wearing only his black chinos, climbed on to the bed behind me. Wrapping his warm arms around my waist, he pulled me close and nuzzled into my hair. Tears were rolling down my face. He’d forgiven me, just like that. He’d accepted my mistake for what it was, a mistake and he’d come back. How could he just accept it all like that and climb into bed with me? I’d hurt him, moaned, touched and laid with another man and yet here he was beside me, holding me close. Ollie was a good man and I didn’t deserve him or his forgiveness but deep down I knew why and how he was able to be anywhere near me let alone touch me. He loved me.

  Turning to face him I rested my forehead against his. “Ollie, I’m so sorry.”

  “I came back because I wanted to Layla. I’m not ready to quit on us yet. Go to sleep. I don’t want to think about it anymore tonight. We’ll talk about it in the morning.” I nodded weakly and pressed my lips to his. He responded but only briefly before turning his head and going to sleep. I’d had every intention of breaking things off with Ollie when I left Jared that morning but as he lay next to me I knew I couldn’t. I owed it to him to try and make things work. I had to leave Jared in my past. Ollie was my priority now and he deserved the chance at making a future with me.

  * * *

  “Ollie! Ollie!” Opening his eyes he stared at me groaning. “What? Layla it’s like seven in the morning and its Saturday.” I stifled a laugh. “I know but I have to show you something. Come on!” Pulling on his hand I hauled him out of bed and out the door. Covering his eyes with my hands I led him down the hall to Mel’s room.

  “Ready?” He smiled.

  “That depends. You naked?”

  I laughed and lifted my knee to his ass as my hands were currently covering his eyes. “You wish stud. Ok, open.”

  A picnic basket sat on the bed and candles were laid out across the room. “What is all this?” I grinned, taking his hands and leading him into the bedroom. “Well it is Saturday, and that means its date day so I thought we’d start with breakfast.” Pressing his lips to mine he smiled against my mouth. It had been four weeks since my night of betrayal with Jared. Ollie had been so incredibly understanding and as the days went on we slowly tried to glue the pieces of our broken relationship back together. We still weren’t sleeping together and I felt that was more Ollie’s choice now than mine. Taking my hands, he sat down on the floor and pulled me down with him. “Ollie we need to talk.” He gave me a curious look and began unpacking the picnic basket. Gripping his hands in mine, I stopped him. We needed to have this conversation whether he liked it or not. “Ollie.” He let out a long sigh. “I know, I know. You want to talk about what happened between you and him.”

  “We have to Ollie. Ever since it happened you hardly come near me. It’s like you don’t want to touch me or something. We barely make it past first base these days. If you can’t get past what I did you have to tell me because I can’t keep carrying this gut wrenching guilt anymore Ollie. I made a mistake and I will hate myself forever but you can’t keep punishing me. Please, either hate me and let me go or tell me how I can make it right.”

  Raking his hand through his hair he let out a long breath. I couldn’t look him in the eye. My frail emotions made me afraid of what he may say and my fragile heart was unsure it could take anymore guilt. “Shit. You thought I was avoiding touching you?” I nodded weakly. “Weren’t you?”

  “No, of course not. And I don’t hate you Layla. We weren’t exclusive, we weren’t sleeping together and you made a mistake, you know it and you have to live with it. We could talk about it till we’re blue in the face and I don’t think
, past anything I said to you when we discussed it at the time, that there is anything more I can possibly say. You know how I feel about what you did with him that night. I can forgive your fuck up Layla but I won’t forget it. It was your decision and you made it. You have to forgive yourself, not me. We all do things we’re not proud of. Hell, I’ve done things in my life I’d rather forget but they make us who we are. I can’t hate you but I can’t get close to you while you’re still torturing yourself over this. I don’t want you to sleep with me out of guilt or because you think you should. I told you before, I’ll wait as long as it takes. Hell it’s been five months, what’s another five?” Leaning across the basket he pressed his lips to mine and relief washed over me. Finally we’d got it all out there in the open and for the first time in a month I could breathe again.

  “So, now that’s all cleared up, can I eat my breakfast now? I’m starving. Someone dragged me out of bed and I didn’t even get time to readjust, so I’m pretty sure the guy coming out of room twenty four got a great eyeful of my morning wood.” Glancing down, I saw Ollie’s sweat pants pitching a tent and stifled a laugh. “Not quite the reaction I’d like to get from you when faced with my hard-on. But I’ll take it.” Giving him a playful nudge, I handed him a bagel. “I’m sorry did you want to play ring toss? I was thinking of a better hole I’d rather be aiming it at.”