Two tubs of ice-cream later I leaned back into the plump cushion of the couch and pulled my knees to my chest. My mother, who was now on her second bottle of chardonnay, was beginning to get very over affectionate and as she pulled me to her, spilling some of her wine in the process as I rolled my eyes. “Baby I don’t know what to say. We could sit here all day and weigh up the pros and cons for each option but in the end you’re going to have to let one of them go and yes it will hurt, and it will most certainly be a horrible thing to go through; but you know it’s right. You can’t keep them both holding on, praying you’ll choose them.” Tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought about my life without them in it. “But how do I possibly decide who it is. I love them both and I don’t want to lose either of them.”
Hushing me, she stroked her fingertips up and down my arm. “I know baby, and it hurts me seeing you so tormented but you have to do this by yourself. No one can make this choice for you. You remember what I said to you that day on the stairs? Falling in love is easy, letting that love go, is hard. But your heart will always have the right answer. You just have to listen to it and figure out what it’s telling you.”
Wiping my eyes I gazed up at her. “Either one I choose means I’d be leaving you, daddy, Mel and Amy behind too.”
Smiling she pecked me on the forehead. “And we would miss you more than the desert misses the rain. But this is your life. College will be waiting for you when you’re ready to go back and Amy and Mel will understand. There are always cell phones, email and that social networking thing you use, the one with the bird. I’m sure you girls can keep in touch. You can come home whenever you want and you just try and stop me from visiting.” Opening the front door, my father yelled out my name, obviously seeing my car in the driveway. Mom called out to him that we were in the living room and within seconds he was crouching in front of me stroking my face with his black, greasy thumbs. “Hey baby, what’s going on?”
I really didn’t want to go over it all again and especially with my father. I gave her a pleading look she nodded and signaled for my dad to follow her to the kitchen.
Turning on the TV, I tried to drown out the sound of my parents talking about my situation. My father was clearly not thrilled at the idea of me not only dropping out of college but also leaving California. Leaving him. “This is her life Andrew. You always tell me I should let her live it so I am. She’s twenty years old. We have to let her go sometime. She has to make her own choices and if they turn out to be the wrong ones it’s our job to be here waiting for her when she needs us to pick up the pieces. Now get in there and give your little girl a hug. I think right now she could use the one man in her life that’s always been her rock to give her a little support.” I smiled a little hearing her words. My mother was a force of nature and hearing her finally accept my right to lead my own life was liberating.
Slumping down next to me on the couch my dad sighed deeply. “Layla, for the past seven years you and me, we’ve been a team right?”
I nodded and stared at him as he ran his hands over his face. “Well I’m cutting you from it. It’s time you did a little exploring and searching on your own. But always remember that this house is your home. Always. You will always have a place to come back to when you need it. I love you baby girl and I want you to be happy. Even if it means being away from me.” Pulling me into a tight hug he pressed a kiss to my forehead and sighed. I smiled up at him reassuringly.. “Thank you daddy. No matter what you’re always going to be the first man I ever loved.”
He chuckled in my ear. “I know baby. Hey, why don’t you stay here a few days and take some time out. It’ll be just like old times.”
Nodding, I kissed his cheek. “Sounds great.”
* * *
Waking up the next morning was not a welcome experience as everything came flooding back to me and the enormous weight once again landed on my shoulders. Grabbing my cell, I dialed my girls.
“Hey sweetie pie. One sec.” Mel’s cheery voice on the other end of the line was far too perky for the mood I was currently in and it kind of irked me.
“Ok you’re on speaker with Mel and Amy. How are you today?” She sounded like a radio show host.
“Could you try and be a little less upbeat? I’m wallowing in self-pity here remember?”
“Still feeling like the world has been tipped on its head huh?” Amy’s voice echoed from the background.
“Dropped on my ass feels more like it. I talked to my mom and dad last night. Basically they’ll support me whatever I decide; which is great but it doesn’t solve my problem.”
“Have you spoken to either of them?” Was she kidding? Of course I hadn’t.
“The idea is to get away from them and think about what I’m going to do not cloud my judgment with their presence.”
I heard Amy say something and muffling the cell receiver Mel answered her.
“Hey, I’m right here so if you have something to say just say it.” Mel sighed loudly. “We were just saying you can’t drag it out forever wishing it will work out somehow. You have to choose Layla. Otherwise you’re just stringing them along. Pick one and put the other out of his misery for heaven’s sake.”
Her attitude was beginning to irritate me.
“I’m not doing this for my own sick entertainment guys. If you were me, tell me, what would you do? I love them both and there are so many reasons why I should pick each of them, so tell me how do I choose? Because I don’t have the first fucking idea.”
“But if you don’t figure it out soon, you’re going to lose them both Layla.”
She was right, she was always right but she wasn’t the one about to lose someone important from her life. It was one thing dishing out advice but it really wasn’t as useful as she thought. “Don’t you think I know that? It’s killing me. But I don’t have the answer right now. I gotta go. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
I needed some peace, silence and breathing space. Glancing at my clock I groaned. I’d been asleep for almost twelve hours and it was now closer to lunch than breakfast. Kicking off my covers, I hauled myself out of bed and into my bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror. My red hair was matted, tangled and had seen better days by far. My poor tired eyes were bloodshot, almost matching the shade of my hair and my pale skin completed the Raggedy Ann look perfectly. Rolling my eyes. I began the tedious task of getting washed, dressed and presentable, when all I really wanted to do was crawl back into my bed and pretend my life wasn’t one huge disaster.
The delicious smell of coffee pulled me from my mood and down the stairs to the kitchen. Raising her head from her magazine, mom smiled at me. “Morning sunshine. How you feeling?” I shrugged. “Same old. Nothing changed in the past twelve hours so I’m still caught between a rock star and a hard bodied sex god.” She winced. “Layla, please, I’m your mother for crying out loud.” Pouring myself a cup of very strong coffee I sighed. My mind instantly traveled back to the coffee shop, Jared, breakfast coffee with Ollie and the safe word. Jared had introduced me to a whole new world of carnal pleasures, sex and erotica. I’d never tried bondage before and I think, if it had been anyone else, I would never have agreed to it. But Jared was so caring, open and straight about it that it didn’t seem so scary. The payoff was immense. Pleasure, pain and sheet clenching orgasms were just naming a few. He’d even allowed me indulge my biting fetish. But that wasn’t all he’d shown me. The all-consuming love I felt for him was addictive. My heart ached without him and a love that intense and powerful doesn’t just disappear. It grips you and sets your soul on fire. That’s how I always felt around Jared. Hot, burning and incendiary. He had the ability to boil my blood with anger and simmer it with desire. It was confusing and completely exhausting.
Slumping into the chair opposite her I leaned my elbows on the table and stared into space.
“You can’t avoid it forever sweetheart. Why don’t you go out today? Get some air, clear your head a little.”
I snorted
“It will take a lot more than some air to clear my mind Mom. I’d need a lobotomy to clear all the stuff I have crammed in there right now.”
She chuckled and took a long gulp of her coffee. “Well I just think a change of scenery may help.”
Rolling my eyes, I finished my coffee and shrugged. “Fine I’ll go for a walk, not that I think it will do much good.” Leaving her shaking her head and sipping her coffee, I grabbed my shoes and headed out.
The weather was gloriously warm and the heat on my body instantly relaxed my tense muscles. I wasn’t heading anywhere specific, so aimlessly walking the streets was my only option; but almost instinctively, my feet seemed to lead me right to the park. Shaking my head, I smiled to myself. Ah sneaky move feet, sneaky move. My heart and mind were trying to sway my decision just as they had in Jared’s office. The park held so many sweet memories of Ollie and being there was certainly going to provoke some deep emotional responses. However I wasn’t holding my breath for it to be a response that would give me any guidance one way or the other whatsoever.
Walking through the luscious green and very picturesque scenery I found myself only a few feet away from a tree that, when catching my eye, made my heart skip a beat. It was the spot where Ollie had brought me on Christmas morning. The place where he had sung me the most beautiful song I had ever heard and carved our names into the very tree that loomed over the grassy area of which I was now heading. Trying desperately to calm my breathing which was now become a little ragged, I walked over to examine the engraving more closely.
The weather hadn’t changed it at all and our names were as vivid now as they had been the morning he’d carved them. Running my fingertips over Ollie’s name, I felt my heart plummet into my stomach. God I missed him so much. Turning around I leaned my back against the bark and slid all the way down the ground with a thud. Well doesn’t this just suck?
My cell buzzed in my pocket and checking the caller I.D I rolled my eyes as I answered. “Mother I thought the idea was for me to get some time alone and clear my head.”
“I know sweetheart but I think you should come home. A big package just arrived for you.”
My stomach did a back flip as my mind boggled as to what it could possibly be and who could have sent it. I had two possible culprits in mind so far. Getting to my feet I brushed myself off, took one last glance at the tree and headed home.
Walking through the front door I scanned the hallway for the mysterious package that had been so important I simply had to tear myself away from my wallowing in the park. Sitting in the kitchen my mother gave me a smile. “It came just after you left. I put it in the living room.”
She walked in front of me and promptly took a seat on the sofa where a large black box occupied half of the couch. I approached it cautiously, biting my lip as anxiety flooded my veins. My mother was acting like a child on their birthday as she eyed the mysterious package.
“I don’t know who it’s from, the doorbell rang, I ran down to get it but all that was there was this box and a Post-it note with your name on it.”
Lifting the box from the sofa, I placed it onto the floor and sat in front of it. It wasn’t heavy as such but certainly required a little strength to move. Holding my breath, I lifted the lid and peeled back the layers of crate paper inside. The breath I was holding got caught in my throat and I coughed, spluttered and gasped as my eyes fell on the contents of the box. My mother was leaning so far off the couch I thought she may fall off as she tried to see what was inside my mystery gift.
“It’s from Jared.”
Tilting her head at me she gave me a puzzled look. “How do you know?”
Reaching into the box I grabbed the ‘I heart New York’ mug and held it up to her. “Because he gave me this. He gave me all of this. This is the box I sent back to him after we broke up. He even got all that jewelry back from the shop.”
Taking each item carefully from the package I sighed as each provoked a warm and wonderful memory. The blue dress I’d worn to dinner at the Hyatt Regency was folded neatly and pulling it out, I grinned as sweet, sensual memories of our sexual escapades beneath the table came flooding back to me. My insides clenched with remembered pleasure.
A small black velvet box was hiding in the corner of the package and pulling it out I opened it, knowing what rested inside. The stunning black star sapphire and diamonds glistened and gleamed in the light and a note had been folded up tightly and placed in the lid. Taking it out I read it as tears began to fill my eyes.
I still promise. Every day for the rest of my life. I’ll hold your dreams, wishes, hopes and fears forever. I Promise to never give up on us and to love you with every beat of my heart till the end of time.
I miss you.
Jared xxx
Dropping it to the floor I held my head in my hands. Crap. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any harder he sends me all of these sentimental memories. It wasn’t fair. How could I possibly try to figure out what I wanted when everywhere I turned I found reasons to choose them both. The tree, the park, the box, the ring. It was all too much and I felt instantly exhausted and emotionally drained. Falling back onto the floor, I flung my arm over my eyes. The ring was still firmly grasped in my hand but prying it from my fingers, my mother seized it whistling. “Oh my. This is stunning. It must have cost a fortune.”
I let out an exasperated sigh. “Diamond and white gold bracelet was $11,050. The diamond emerald and crystal ring at least another twelve thousand. Then there are the earrings, headband, ruby bracelet and the ring you currently hold in your hand; the black star sapphire and diamond he bought for my birthday. He also gave me a pendant to which he has one that matches. That and the ring are engraved.” Lifting the ring from its box, my mother examined the message etched into the metal.
Looking across the floor to the box, I spotted the mug sitting on the carpet begging for me to pick it up and examine it. My plan to avoid a painful and confusing trip down memory lane was officially out of the window and my will power had completely deserted me. Picking up the cup, I turned it around and ran my fingertip over the words that were permanently scribbled on the back.
“Don’t give up on me. Sounds like he was scared.” My mother, ever the nosey and overprotective person she was, was reading it over my shoulder. Covering it with my hand and quickly returning it to the box I shook my head.
“We’d had a fight. I’d rather not talk about it. In fact I’d rather not talk about, look at or think about any of this stuff.” Getting to my feet I skirted around the box and ran for the solace of my bedroom.
Slamming myself onto my bed I buried my head in my pillow and just as I had when I was a child, I threw the biggest tantrum of my life. Hurling my pillow across the room I kicked, growled and thrashed about on my bed. I was angry, frustrated and so worked up. I could have exploded from the tension building inside me. What they were making me do and what they were putting me through was beyond unfair, it was downright cruel. Jared would be leaving the next day and I was still no closer to having an answer for him or Ollie.
Lying on my bed I stared at the ceiling. Images of the two men I was hopelessly in love with swarming around in my thoughts made me dizzy. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and begged my heart to speak to me, to help me figure out what was happening to us. But it wasn’t willing to play ball this time. Placing my palm over it I pleaded that something, anything might happen, that maybe thinking of one of them I might feel a thud or a beat skipping but it continued to thunder and hammer inside of my chest as Ollie and Jared both simultaneously ran through my mind.
Turning over, I could feel tears in my eyes pushing hard for release. I’d cried so much I couldn’t believe there could possibly be any more tears left for me to shed. But as the salty warm droplets fell onto my sheets, I curled up and gave in to the sobs that racked and shook my body. If I couldn’t choose one, I was going to have to let them both go and it hurt, deeply and like a stabbing through my heart the pain left m
e breathless as I cried myself slowly to sleep.
Chapter 50
Making The Leap
Sitting on the couch I held a cushion close to my chest and stared at the blank TV screen. Slumping down next to me, dad draped an arm over my shoulders and pulled me to him for a warm hug. “Baby girl I hate seeing you so hurt. What can I do to make it better?”
I shook my head and snuggled into his chest. “Go back a year and stop me from ever going to college.” I didn’t mean it. If I’d never gone I would never have met Amy, Ollie or Jared and though I was hurting I wouldn’t have changed a single moment. All the good, bad and awful things had changed my life forever and changed me for the better. Amy’s fun and wonderfully upbeat personality had encouraged me to be free, take chances and have more fun than I ever had in my life. Ollie’s loyal and sweet friendship was like a drug and I was addicted to the sound of his beautiful voice in my ear. Bringing me comfort and making me feel like the most important person in the world, he was everything a girl could ever dream of.
And then there was Jared. He’d shown me a world I never knew existed. A world full of hot, sheet clenching bondage play, spanking and euphoric sexual pleasure. The intense and all-consuming love between us had been a thing of fairy tales or movies. And I was about to lose it all. Ollie and Jared were soon going to be leaving my life for good and the thought made my chest feel tight and nausea began creeping inside my stomach.
Checking the clock on the far wall, I wondered what they were doing. Jared would probably be on his way to LAX by now and Ollie no doubt had his skillful hands on someone’s motorcycle. Hugging the cushion in my arms tightly I took a deep breath forcing myself not to cry. My cell was sitting on the table and startling me, it rang loudly. Releasing me, my father grabbed it and handed it to me with a slight smile. Seeing the caller I.D, I smiled as well. “Hi Amy.”
Bound Together Page 58
