Our Lives Entwined

by Lilliana Anderson

  “Having you around could never make a person’s life worse.”

  Taking her by the hand, Cayd led her out of their suite and over to Eric’s room, knocking on the door to inform him that they were headed to the hospital. “Would you like to come too?”

  “Um… yeah. I think it’s best to just pull the Band-Aid off, right?” He attempted a half-smile, but the nerves in him were too strong. He had no idea how he was going to cope with seeing her again, and he had no idea if seeing him again would be of any help to her.

  After driving around for half an hour looking for a parking spot, Cayd, Mia, and Eric all made their way up to the room number Sandra had given Mia earlier. It was a private ward, and they had to be let in.

  “Thank you for coming,” Sandra said, as soon as she saw them come through the security doors. “I know things haven’t been great between you all, but I really appreciate this.” It was hard not to notice how tired Sandra looked. She had obviously not slept a wink since they’d discovered Natalie on the floor of the bathroom, barely even breathing after her suicide attempt. “I just don’t know what to do. She didn’t do this as a cry for help. She was serious. She left a note explaining how lost she was and if I hadn’t come home early, she wouldn’t have survived. She barely did as it was,” she sobs, her breath catching on a few of her words. As a mother, Sandra currently felt obscenely powerless.

  Eric had been hanging back a little, but when Sandra finished talking, she saw him. Wiping at her eyes, she sniffled a little before she spoke. “You must be Eric. I wish I was meeting you under better circumstances.”

  He nodded his response, unable to find the right words to say that would fit the moment. He felt that ‘nice to meet you’ was all wrong, so staying quiet seemed the better alternative.

  “Would you like to go in and see her?” she asked, looking at all three of them in turn.

  “I think I’ll go in first if that’s all right. I’d like to talk to her on my own,” Mia said straight away. Cayd gave her hand a gentle squeeze to let her know that he was proud of her. This was a big thing for her, and he knew that it would be a huge step toward somehow healing all the hurt between the sisters.

  “Of course. I’ll take you in.”

  Leaving the two men out in the waiting area, Mia followed Sandra into the private room where Natalie was laid up, looking tiny in the middle of the white bed. Mia got quite a shock when she saw her, as in the year since they parted ways, Natalie had become bone thin. Her hair looked dull and limp and her skin was lifeless. When Sandra touched her on the shoulder to let her know that Mia was there, she opened her eyes. The brown pools seemed to dwarf her sunken features. But what shocked Mia most, was the dead expression in them. It was if all signs of life have been drained out of them.

  “Oh Natalie. What have you done to yourself?” she asked. It probably wasn’t the right thing to say, but it came out anyway.

  Natalie’s eyes welled with tears and she squeezed them shut. “I just wanted it to be over,” she cried. “I couldn’t stand feeling so horrible anymore.”

  Despite everything Natalie had done, Mia wasn’t entirely without feeling toward her. Seeing her twin laid up and looking so ill caused a pain in her chest that made it hard for her to breathe. Her eyes burned with threatened tears as she moved toward the bed and took a hold of Natalie’s hand.

  “I’m sorry that you felt it had to come to this, Natalie. I need you to know that I don’t hate you. I just needed more time. That’s all. I guess I was being a bit selfish myself. I only thought about how angry I was. I didn’t really give much thought to how you were feeling. I didn’t understand that you were hurting quite this much.”

  “No. I deserve your hatred. I deserve every bit of ill you feel towards me.”

  “But that’s just it, Natalie. I don’t hate you. I just… I wasn’t ready to tell you that I forgive you. And I think that now, I should say it – I forgive you, Natalie.”

  “Do you really forgive me, or are you just saying that because you’re worried I’ll try to kill myself again?” Natalie asked, her voice devoid of feeling.

  “I read all of your letters,” Mia started, deciding it was better to change the subject. “I appreciate you putting yourself out there, and for trying to make things right.”

  “Were you ever going to write back? I felt like I was talking and no one was listening.”

  “I was listening. Although, to be honest, I don’t know if I was ever going to write back. I thought about it. But I didn’t know if I wanted to open that door to you. So I never actually did it. You have to understand that what you did was pretty severe. I don’t want you to suffer and try to hurt yourself over it though. If I wanted anything like this I would have reported you to the police when it happened. What I needed was time. You completely altered my life. I needed time to get over that, and I’m sure Eric just needs time too.”

  Natalie’s eyes burned again with a fresh set of tears at the mere mention of his name. “How is he?”

  “He’s hurting too. But he’s here. He’s outside waiting for you.”

  All of a sudden, Natalie’s heart felt as though it actually had a beat. After twelve long months had crept by without him, finally, there was a glimmer on the horizon. Finally, there was hope.

  Eric was there.

  While the two sisters were talking, Cayd and Eric were sitting in the waiting area with one chair separating them. They hadn’t said a word to each other since Mia had gone in to see Natalie. The situation was awkward, and neither of them knew the other well enough to actually offer any sort of support or advice.

  While Cayd knew how to converse with people under a great deal of stress because of his job, he didn’t feel it would be prudent of him to instigate any sort of talk about Eric’s feelings toward seeing Natalie again. So he just sat quietly, going through emails on his phone while watching Eric out of the corner of his eye as he bounced his leg nervously and constantly readjusted his body - leaning forward, sitting back, leaning forward - it was enough to make a person dizzy.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t even be here,” Eric said suddenly, as he sat back in the plastic chair with a thud.

  Cayd powered his screen down and returned his phone to his pocket as he turned his attention to the man beside him.

  “It’s not right is it?” he said, glancing at Cayd before shaking his head.

  “That’s not really for me to say, Eric. Personally, I think you all need to talk and move past what happened. Ignoring it isn’t helping any of you.”

  “Mia seems fine with it all.”

  “Mia has her moments.”

  “I don’t know. I guess I’m still pretty angry about it all. And I’m worried that if I see her, I’m going to say the wrong thing and make her worse. I don’t want to be the person who tips her over the edge again.”

  “She’s already on the edge, Eric. What she needs is a reason to come back.”

  Eric looked down at his hands, inspecting his fingers closely as if all the answers could possibly be found in their lines. “Am I supposed to be that for her – even after everything that’s gone down?” he asked.

  “No, Eric,” Cayd replied, his voice gentle as he spoke. “She needs to find her own reasons to live. But, it won’t hurt to have someone around who cares about her. Because you do still care about her, don’t you?”

  “It feels wrong to say it out loud…but…yeah. I do.”

  “Then I suggest you stay. Spend some time with her while trying to put the past behind you. Then you can both decide what’s right for you.”

  Shaking his head, Eric reached his hand up and rubbed the back of his neck, showing his internal conflict with his constant movement. “I don’t want to be the dickhead in all this. I don’t want to lose all of my friends because I care about the wrong twin.”

  “Eric, you have a pretty amazing group of friends. Talk to them. You’ll find they’re more understanding of you than you yourself are.”

  Leaning forwa
rd again, Eric threaded his fingers through his hair and blew out a calming breath. The wait to go inside was killing him as his nerves seemed to grow so intense that he felt like he might throw up.

  Eventually, Mia stepped out of the room and into the welcoming arms of Cayd as Eric stood and moved toward Sandra Johnson, who was standing in the doorway.

  “Eric,” Mia called after him. He turned, focusing his eyes on her face and noticing the sadness in her eyes. “She’s put herself through a lot. She’s not how you remember her.”

  Nodding, he moves through the door as Sandra closed it behind him and spoke to him in hushed tones.

  “I know that Natalie hurt you and I want you to know how much I appreciate you coming. This will mean a lot to her too. I only ask that you’re careful with what you say. Please don’t upset her or give her any false hope.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

  Sandra looked up into Eric’s eyes and saw that he was also in a lot of pain. As strange as it sounded, that pain gave her a little hope – hope that perhaps Eric and Natalie could somehow take the pain they both shared and make it right again.

  “I’ll just be over here,” she told him, pointing to a chair in the corner of the room.

  Feeling a little strange at realising her mother was going to be in the room to hear their conversation, Eric’s heart began to beat a little faster. As he moved toward the bed and saw how small and frail Natalie had become, he had a very similar reaction to Mia – he almost cried.

  “Hey,” he said, clearing his throat as he came into view.

  “Hey.” She didn’t know what else to say. She’d wanted to see him so much in this past year, but seeing him now just made her feel ashamed about what she tried to do.

  For a while they avoided each other’s gaze. Natalie fidgeted with the cotton hospital blanket, while Eric shoved his hands in his pockets and looked around the room.

  “You didn’t have to come,” Natalie said, when the silence had stretched to an uncomfortable length.

  Eric forced himself to look at her again – forced himself to look at how much she’d suffered. He had thought that he was suffering all these months, but Natalie had obviously been putting herself through hell over what happened. It broke his heart.

  His eyes burned and his throat thickened to a point where he needed to clear it noisily and wipe his hand over his face to get a hold of himself again.

  He pulled a chair up to the bed and sat down before taking her slender hand in his, gently stroking the pale flesh on the top of her hand as he examined her bony fingers. “I wanted to come,” he whispered, his voice wavering slightly as he tried to come to grips with this broken woman before him.

  Without saying anything further, he dropped his head on the side of the bed and cried, his shoulders bouncing up and down as he sobbed.

  Feeling responsible for his suffering, Natalie also burst into tears as she reached her other hand over and slid her fingers into his hair. This was why she hated herself. She caused this. This beautiful man was crying because of her.

  “What did you talk about?” Cayd asked, as he and Mia sat in the waiting room while Eric spent time with Natalie.

  “Just how sorry she is, and how much she cares about Eric. I think I need to make it really clear to him that it’s ok if he still cares about her. He hasn’t been the same since she left.”

  “He’s battling his own demons I think. But you’re right. If you make it clear to him that you won’t judge him for his choices, then the two of them might be able to work things out – or at least discover what they really mean to each other.”

  She rested her head against his shoulder and sighed. “This is all just so very sad.”

  “Yes, my love. There is no happiness here.”

  Chapter 6

  ON THE ride back to the hotel, Eric was very quiet, preferring to sit and chew the nail on his thumb as he stared out of the window thoughtfully. He had never been to Sydney before and had he been there under different circumstances he would have been admiring the scenery as both the Harbour Bridge and Opera House came into view.

  No. Eric didn’t actually see anything while he stared out the window. He was far too involved in his own thoughts to see anything other than the frail image of the woman he had been pining over for the last year.

  He hated the circumstances that surrounded their original meeting, and he hated the circumstances that have brought them back together even more. Why did everything between them have to be so hard? Although, at the crux of it all, it wouldn’t matter how they met. Their attraction was so strong, people would have been hurt regardless.

  Glancing at the couple in the front of the car, he tried to convince himself that since Mia was happy with Cayd, she shouldn’t have a problem if he felt the need to see if he really did belong with Natalie – or if this whole thing between the was just some crazy idea, brought on by even crazier circumstances.

  In Eric’s mind, the mere thought of going back to Natalie had his head hurting. He was warring with himself over his own moral code – the one that until now had worked really well for him. He’s always been loyal to his friends and his family. He’s always done what he thought was best, and up until now, his life had always been fairly black and white. With Natalie, things had become very grey. Normally, if someone had hurt him and the people he loved, he would cut them from his life completely. But he’d never felt so drawn to someone before which is why he was so conflicted.

  By the end of his visit with Natalie, he had promised that he would help her find her birth mother. She felt that it would be the best way to win Mia over again. While Eric wasn’t sure if that was the case, he did feel that it was something that Natalie needed to do. He saw her as a lost soul who needed to find out where she belonged in this world.

  “Are you ok?” Mia asked him, as Cayd parked the rental car in the underground garage of their hotel.

  “Yeah. I’m fine.”

  “That was kind of hard wasn’t it?”

  “Yeah. It was really hard.”

  Mia twisted in her seat a little more so she could look at him better. She glanced briefly at Cayd before she spoke. “Listen, Eric. I just want to make it really clear to you that if you want to try and make things work with Natalie, then I won’t stand in your way.”

  He nodded, his brow furrowed as he stayed caught up in his own mind. “Thanks Mia. What about you though? What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know. I told her I forgive her, and that I’m willing to try talking. I don’t know how close we can become though.”

  “She wants to find your mother,” he said.

  “I know.”

  Cayd’s eyebrows raised slightly as he listened.

  “I’m going to help her.”

  It was at that point that Mia ended the conversation by opening her door to get out of the car. Her abrupt exit left both Cayd and Eric wondering if she wanted to find her birth mother as well, or if she wanted to leave the past alone. Both knew Mia well enough to know that they would find out in time. For now, she’d had enough of talking.

  “How are you feeling after seeing Natalie again today?” Cayd asked Mia, after they’d both had something to eat and taken in one of the hotel’s many pay per view movies.

  Mia had been fairly quiet since they got back to their room. Cayd knew she was just processing things but he was worried about her. Coming face to face with the person who tried to take over your life can’t be the most pleasant experience. He knew that Mia was a mentally strong woman, but he also knew that she’d need to talk about what happened.

  “I don’t know. It’s a bit weird. I suppose I’d thought that everything was fine as long as she wasn’t in my life. I thought that she would return to Sydney and move on, and I would stay in Melbourne and move on. I never dreamed that she’d be so wracked by guilt that she’d starve herself and attempt suicide. I mean, I figured she was a bit unstable, but I never imagined she’d go this far.”

  �
��I’m assuming she stopped receiving treatment when she moved back up here.”

  “What makes you say that? What do you know?”

  “Mia, I can’t say any more than that.”

  “You bloody well can! How can you make an observation like that and not follow it up with fact.”

  “Because it’s obvious that she didn’t seek any help. She wouldn’t have gotten so ill if she had. Her therapist would have noted the changes in her appearance and she would have been monitored more closely. As for proof she didn’t see a new therapist – I can’t give you that. You know I can’t.”

  Mia crossed her arms over her chest. “Fine. I get it. And I’m sure you’re right anyway. If she had gotten help when she returned, she wouldn’t have gotten so sick.” She shook her head as she remembered. “Seriously Cayd, you should have seen her. She was unrecognisable as my twin – all bones and pale skin. I was worried that she was going to tell me that she has cancer at first, her body is that ravaged. It’s just sad. I think I’m going to speak to Sandra about it. I want to know why they didn’t call us and let us know what was going on.”

  “Would it have made a difference to you?”

  “At first, perhaps not, but if they had have insisted…” She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “Hindsight is twenty-twenty I’m afraid.” Cayd slid his arm over her shoulders and pulled her closer to him on the couch they were sharing. “What about the plans to find your birth mother. Is that something you want?”

  Mia blew out a very long breath as she shook her head slowly. “I have no idea. I mean, she obviously gave us up for a reason. Do we really want to know what that was? Does she even want to find us? It’s just…it hasn’t even been a year since I found out I was a twin, and that turned out catastrophically. What the hell is going to happen if we find out about our mother? What kind of chaos will that cause?”

  “It could be the common ground that brings you together,” Cayd suggested.

  “No. It doesn’t feel right. If she wants to find her, that’s fine. But at this point – I don’t want any part of it.”