The Spook Who Spoke Again: A Flavia Albia Short Story

by Lindsey Davis

  Her tent had a fine round entrance with a domed roof. When we arrived, Thalia said, ‘Stay here for a mo’ in the pavilion and don’t touch anything.’ Adding, ‘I know what men are like! Juno, don’t I know it …’ I hoped she wouldn’t tell me anything embarrassing about why she said that.

  Left on my own, I stood in the doorway, letting my eyes grow accustomed to the dim interior. Soon I made out that the inside roof of the first part was decorated in moon and stars designs. This formed a reception area. Beyond it lay one long private room, but big enough for Thalia’s bed, and many piles and baskets of stuff. There were wooden supports at various places, which you had to dodge around. Thinking about it afterwards, a furious chase could happen around those tent poles if somebody was trying to rush away from a dangerous antagonist. No antagonist would come after Thalia, they would be too scared of her.

  She had dumped my possessions on the ground while she went off to stable the donkey. I noticed that its welfare was more important than seeing to me, which was because Thalia is good with animals. In my experience, she is less good with boys. But she thinks she is. When she came back, I was still standing in the doorway. She gave me a suspicious glance as if she thought I probably had gone in and touched things, though of course she found no evidence. I am very good at not leaving a trail.

  ‘Come in, don’t be shy, Postumus. Nobody’s going to eat you,’ she said. Then ‘Oh!’ she exclaimed, showing that she is an alert woman. ‘I ought to have said something about my snake – I suppose you met Jason?’

  Yes, I had.

  While I was by myself, waiting for her to come back, I heard a sudden rustling noise. There was a large pile of cluttered up garments and what looked like curtains close to the doorway. I was rather surprised when I saw that the tangled mound was moving. Out of it slid Jason. He had come to have a look at me. I looked right back, which he seemed not to be expecting.

  I knew who he was. I had heard about him. My father hates him. Falco tells us anecdotes. He has known this snake for many years from encounters with Thalia. He always says Jason looks for a reason to run up inside his tunic and bite him somewhere painful. I knew that pythons can bite; they really overpower their prey by squeezing tight until they are suffocated, but snakes do have teeth, which are sharp, to help them fasten on to their prey while they start constricting.

  You probably wonder why a boy who was brought up in a nice home in Rome knows all the facts about snakes. We have a library, which contains an encyclopaedia. I am allowed to read whatever articles I like, so long as I don’t drop ink or parts of my lunch on the scrolls, also if anyone else has left a slip to mark their place while they are working, I must never remove it. I don’t, although sometimes for fun I add a lot of extra slips to confuse people, poked in beside articles no one would ever want to read, for example on Theological Syncretism or on the Sieve of Eratosthenes. I wish I had my own sieve, the Sieve of Postumus.

  I looked up snakes. As soon as I was told that I had a mother who owned pythons and who danced with them in public, I thought I had best know what I had to deal with. So I knew what to expect from Jason when he slithered out of the garments and curtains. Sections of him kept coming until he was six feet in length. That meant he was fully grown. If he seized hold of me, I would find him powerful and hard to escape.

  His markings were mainly shimmery gold, with irregular patterns of dark brown and sometimes white, as if his skin had cracked and deeper colours were leaking through. He had dark eyes, so I could tell he was not shedding his skin, which I had learned would make his eyes turn blue. His head was shaped like a trowel and I looked at his mouth carefully because I had been told that a large python can eat a small boy. Only a very sensational encyclopaedia would inform you of that, but I heard it from Katutis, my father’s secretary. Katutis comes from Egypt and likes to tell me amazing nonsense to see if I foolishly believe him. It is a very annoying habit. Why would a person want to be a nuisance to somebody else?

  Sizing up the situation carefully, I could not see how I would fit in, even though snakes’ mouths are specially hinged to enable them to eat large things. My sisters call me chubby, which would now be very useful if it protected me from Jason.

  I wondered if he would let me take hold of his jaws to test how wide his mouth would open. It might be premature to try so I would observe him more, before I did any experiments. Experiments need to be thoughtfully planned. I have learned that by having them go wrong.

  He reared up and swung about, taking a good look at me. His tongue was flickering. That is so they can smell you. A nervous boy might have been frightened but I decided not to let him think it. My father had always told us Jason was a bully. Father says you have to stand up to bullies because they will be very surprised. Sometimes for a joke, he adds they will be so surprised they’ll hit you harder. But you will feel better in yourself, he adds comfortingly.

  I folded my arms and said in a clear voice: ‘My name is Marcus Didius Alexander Postumus and I have come to live here. Thalia is my birth mother so I shall have certain privileges. I expect you believe you are king of this pavilion, but all that is now changing. Don’t give me any trouble or I shall be compelled to assert my authority.’

  He hissed at me.

  ‘I presume you are insecure and nervous,’ I replied calmly to the presumptuous python. Falco had warned me he had a nasty attitude. ‘But that’s enough nonsense, Jason.’ I thought about picking him up and putting him back in his pile of curtains, but I could see he was too big. If he was stretched up vertically by his pointed tail, he would be one and a half times as high as I am. His body was fat and round, indicating he would weigh a lot if anyone tried to lift him and put him away to make the tent tidier.

  To subdue him I would have to use my superior status and personality. ‘Behave yourself please. I am the young master and you will just have to put up with it.’

  Jason immediately became cowed. He curled up in a ball as if he was trying to hide. That was when my mother came back.

  ‘I’m glad to find you getting on so well together,’ she remarked. ‘If you have an old tunic you don’t want to wear, we can put it near his nest so he can get used to your scent.’

  I did have an old tunic in my luggage, because when Helena was packing for me she had said, ‘I shall put this in, darling, so you can make a bed for Ferret where he will feel at home.’ She had not said she was relieved to be getting rid of him because of him scenting his territory all around our house, although I knew she must be. Mothers are a little fussy about smells. He also jumped out at people unexpectedly while he was busy exploring.

  Anyway, instead of complaining, Helena Justina stroked his fur and told me she would miss him. ‘Though not as much as I shall miss you, Postumus.’ This was an example of her being a kind and loving mother, which she is. I decided I should jump into her arms and hug her in case Helena was feeling miserable about me going.

  Look after your mother, Father always says. Of course I am a dutiful boy. Still, it was going to be rather time-consuming, now I had two.

  Thalia told me some more about Jason, who remained curled up. ‘He’ll soon unwind his daft self and come nosing out to see who I’ve brought to live here. Snakes are inquisitive and they love to explore.’ I informed her that the same is true of ferrets. Mine would be popping his head out of my sleeve any moment to look around the place where I had brought him. He likes expeditions, though I have to keep hold of him in case he runs into any dark places and I can’t lure him back out.

  ‘Hmm,’ answered Thalia, in the kind of voice people use when you have just asked for permission to go outside and watch two drunk men fighting one another on the embankment. I now realise she must have been thinking Ferret might pop inside Jason for a look around in him, and Jason would eagerly let him become lunch. ‘Don’t go upsetting my big boy, Postumus; pythons easily go right off their food if they are worried about anything. Next time someone catches a rat I can show you how I have to tempt thi
s big softie into eating.’ She had a thought. ‘As for your ferret, I suggest you keep him close with you, where you can supervise what he gets up to.’

  She did not say why. She must have known what was likely to happen.

  3

  I was allocated bedding and a pillow, which I was to stow neatly in daytime. This seemed silly, since the tent was full of clutter, but I bided my time about mentioning what I thought. We ate a meal with other people then I went to sleep in my mother’s tent, with no idea it would so soon become a crime scene. If I had known, I would have made a drawing of where everything was, especially the position of the python.

  Next morning, everyone got up as soon as there was any light. I was still sleepy. Thalia explained that they all had to look after the animals, a task with which I must help them now I was here. She did not ask whether I agreed. I saw what my family had always meant when they said she would want me to be useful to her. I was to be shovelling out fouled straw.

  I discovered my job when I was taken to meet the menagerie keeper. Lysias was a thin man with a weird expression and long hair tied into a rat’s tail on top of his head. I saw that he preferred being among the animals to enduring people. He had chosen to be an eccentric character. I respected him for that. I tried to see how he had arranged his hair, thinking I might grow mine long and do it the same, but I could tell he did not like me looking.

  My mother left me at the menagerie while she went to rehearsal with some acrobats. Lysias inspected me, sniffing the air, just as the python had done yesterday. He introduced his two assistants, Hesper and Sizon, who were busy throwing raw meat to the animals. They were low-grade, crude men, not minding if they got blood on their tunics.

  ‘Thalia’s boy,’ said Lysias, meaning I was important.

  ‘She’s got a weird one there,’ replied Hesper. ‘He does a lot of staring.’ Staring is one of the things people usually notice about me.

  Sizon made no comment, only handed me his broom with a gesture that made a statement: he had done the menial tasks until today, but now he was glad it was my turn.

  Lysias became extremely stern as he explained that I was never to go into any animal’s pen or cage unless the others had moved out the animal to another cage for safety. None of them ever went into a cage on their own. Once a man called Fronto had been eaten by a panther when he accidentally let himself be trapped with it. Nobody who had heard him screaming or who helped gather up his bloody remains would ever forget. Not that there were many remains, declared Lysias with a cruel laugh. ‘Don’t mention Fronto to Thalia. It’s old history but she still gets weepy. She made us keep that panther for years, out of respect, in case part of Fronto was still inside.’

  I asked had she been very fond of Fronto? Hesper chortled no, only being humped by him. I worked out what that meant, so I nodded wisely. Lysias told Hesper to watch it, without specifying what needed to be watched.

  The animals they had were: a wild boar (very grumpy), antelopes (who huddled together and kept trembling), a camel, two young cheetahs who had long legs and unpleasant manners, a bull, a kennelful of trained dogs and three ostriches who caused a lot of trouble. ‘Watch out, they peck.’ The best was a half-grown lion called Roar.

  They had had a giraffe until last week when it had died. I was sorry to hear that, I commented politely. Hesper sniggered that I hadn’t minded eating a steak off her for dinner last night. I think he was trying to upset me but I agreed it had been tasty and there was no point being put off eating a creature I never even met, so then Hesper looked disappointed.

  He and Sizon were disappointed again when they moved the wild boar out of his cage for me to clean up after him. They thought I would refuse to do anything, or that if I tried I would be useless. They were ignorant people. I just went in and got on with sweeping out the poo and stinky old bedding. I knew how to take responsibility for animals. I had Ferret, after all. I had to look after him myself; it was one of Helena’s conditions for me owning him at home.

  We had also once had an extremely old dog who was prone to accidents. She belonged to all of us, though mainly Father. Anyone who saw a mess on a mosaic had to run and clean it up at once, to stop Father becoming miserable because he loved that dog and could not bear her becoming so old and helpless. Uncle Lucius Petronius came to gently ‘help her on her way’. I don’t know how he did it, because although I wanted to watch he shut the door.

  After that Father buried the dog at our other house on the Janiculan Hill, where my dead grandfather and baby brother are. He didn’t give her a tombstone but he told us if he had, it would have said: Nux, best and happiest of dogs, run with joy through all Elysium, dear friend. We all liked to talk about her jumping up on ghosts. I wondered whether they would squeak with spooky surprise if Nuxie came up behind and sniffed them with a cold nose.

  After I got the boar’s cage nice and clean, I asked where to put the sweepings, so Sizon led me to a barrow; I just sensibly picked up the straw on a shovel, loaded the barrow then wheeled it to the midden heap. Straw is light. It was not onerous. I cheered myself along by an incantation of ‘O pigshit, pigshit, pigshit, pigshit!’ which is a famous saying by my grandfather, Geminus. He must have been jolly. My marching song seemed to impress Hesper and Sizon.

  The whole job was smelly and dirty. Luckily I was wearing the old tunic Helena had given me to be Ferret’s bed. I had left him asleep in my best tunic instead, which would be nicer for him. He had tried running around all night, exploring, and in the morning he was so dozy he only wanted to stay behind so that is why I left him in the tent. Jason seemed to be a nocturnal creature too, and Thalia snored, so it had been quite noisy in the tent. But when I left in the morning, Jason was asleep and I forgot he might pose a danger.

  At the menagerie, I decided I would make scientific notes about the different kind of droppings that the animals deposited. I explained to Hesper and Sizon how this would need to be done, tomorrow when I brought a note tablet for making descriptions and a ruler for measuring the pieces of poo. I have a surveyor’s folding measure that Father once brought home from the auction house, because he thought I would like it. This was correct. I use it all the time. I could tell that Hesper and Sizon failed to see the seriousness of my planned experiment.

  At lunchtime my mother came along. They tried to hand me back to her but they had no luck. Announcing that she was glad we were all getting on together so nicely, Thalia went off again, saying she had to have a meeting in her tent with a man called Soterichus, a dealer in exotic animals. The meeting was private. Lysias would have to look after me that afternoon. I was given strict instructions not to go along and interrupt. ‘I suppose you know what “strict instructions” means, Postumus?’

  I nodded. ‘Strict’ ones are where it is best to wait a long while before you ignore them, so it will seem better when you pretend that because you are only a little boy, you forgot being told the instructions.

  Having diligently mucked out the cages, I found myself at a loose end. This often happens to me. When I am allocated a chore, I carry it out methodically. I never waste time gossiping. What is the point of that? Brooms are not for leaning on. I never have much I want to gossip about anyway. I keep things to myself for future use.

  If I can invent a better way to do a task than other people use, which I generally can because I am more scientific, I usually speed up the process, whatever it is. Soon my task is completed, and to a good standard. Then I have to find something else to do.

  When Lysias inspected my work he seemed both surprised and impressed. That was what I had expected. ‘Of course it all has to be done again tomorrow, young Postumus.’

  ‘Of course it does,’ I agreed calmly. ‘Animals poo out their bowels every day, just as you do, Lysias. Unless you have constipation.’

  ‘That’s my business,’ said Lysias, with a guarded expression.

  ‘Or if you can’t go, it isn’t!’ I jested merrily.

  He just glared, but this was a good
conversation with him.

  To while away the rest of that afternoon while Thalia was having her meeting, I looked around the menagerie and inspected how it was run. Members of the public were being allowed in to look at the beasts. A very beautiful young woman called Pollia was taking their entrance money. She was dressed like an acrobat in a short skirt that showed her legs a lot, at least as far as her Diana the Huntress boots. I could tell she didn’t really want to do that job, so I offered to take over. I like to be helpful, if I have nothing else to do.

  Pollia rushed off happily. Before she went, I saw her giving Hesper a squeeze and a kiss. I made a note that Hesper must be her boyfriend or her husband. In my opinion anyone that beautiful could have done better for herself.

  Although I was not yet investigating a crime, I knew that in any new circle of acquaintances you should take notes of who belongs with whom, because it may be useful to know if anyone is cheating on someone. You then don’t say the wrong thing at social gatherings. That is easily done unless you concentrate hard. So I decided that once I had access to my note tablets in the tent again, I would devise a chart of people who were linked to each other. I could write down all those I met. Once I learned their names and something about them, I would draw lines between the ones I noticed were particularly friendly with each other.

  While I was taking the menagerie’s entrance money from the public for Pollia, I realised that the entertainers ought to charge a larger ticket price. I had several times visited the imperial vivarium at Laurentum, where a collection of wild elephants roam about the sand dunes; Laurentum is a coastal town not far from where we have our seaside holiday villa. The point is, I knew how much it costs to be admitted to see the imperial elephant herd, so I reasoned that we could ask for almost that much money. Not quite as much, because these were not the emperor’s animals. On the other hand, nobody had to travel anywhere to see them, they were conveniently here in Rome.