A Kiss in the Dark

by Cat Clarke

  I had to tread carefully here. ‘Gavin? Yeah, I think I’ve seen him around.’ That seemed like a safe kind of non-answer.

  Justin looked a bit puzzled. ‘He’s head boy, isn’t he?’

  Shit. ‘Yeah, that’s right. I know who you mean now … I don’t really get involved in school politics. Not really my scene.’ Shit.

  There was silence at the table. Astrid was staring at me again; she knew something was up. You didn’t exactly have to be a genius to know something was up. I chanced a look over at Kate. She wasn’t glaring at me – if anything, she just looked curious.

  Justin stepped in to smash the silence. ‘Ha! The way Gav tells it he’s some big man on campus …’

  This was getting worse. And I was desperate for the loo all of a sudden. ‘He is, I guess. We don’t exactly move in the same circles though. Anyway, listen … I’d better be getting–’

  ‘Yes, we’ve got to go. We’re having dinner with Alex’s parents.’ Kate started wrapping her scarf around her neck. I put a fiver on the table to cover Kate’s share of the bill; I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. Kate didn’t argue about me paying – she wanted to escape as much as I did.

  We said our goodbyes and were out of there in a couple of minutes. I glanced back before shutting the door behind us; Astrid was watching me. Kate and I walked down to the bottom of the Mound in silence; we weren’t holding hands. Darkness had fallen while we’d been in the cafe and Princes Street was looking all sparkly and Christmassy. It had started to rain.

  I caved. ‘Why did you lie like that?’

  Kate shrugged. ‘I didn’t like the way she was looking at you. She can be so judgemental sometimes. Her heart’s in the right place though … at least I think it is.’ I wasn’t so sure.

  I stopped walking. ‘I …’

  ‘It’s OK, Alex. You don’t have to explain. And you don’t have to be ashamed about not being in with the so-called ‘cool’ crowd or the rugby players or whoever. I like you just the way you are.’

  I could hardly believe it. She thought I was such a loser, such a social recluse, that I barely knew the head boy of my own school. Did she honestly believe that was possible? Did I believe that was possible? It was as if she thought I could do no wrong. As far as Kate was concerned, there was a viable explanation for every odd little thing that came up. It felt nice, having her believe in me like that. It also felt terrible.

  I hugged her and said thank you. I didn’t try to convince her that I wasn’t a loser. I said it had been nice to meet Astrid; Kate raised an eyebrow at that. She said that maybe double dates weren’t the best idea in the world, and that Justin wasn’t as tall as Astrid had made him out to be. She said she thought rugby was a stupid sport.

  I walked her across Princes Street and thank God there was a bus just coming. She hopped on it and I legged it into M&S. I took my beanie off, ruffled my hair a bit and chanced my luck going into the ladies’ toilets.

  I really needed to find a better solution to the toilet problem.

  chapter eighteen

  I felt unsettled for a few days; I had a weird feeling about Astrid. She may have given the impression that she was vapid as hell, but I couldn’t help thinking there was something sly about her. I definitely didn’t want to risk spending any more time with her.

  The weekend after meeting up with Astrid and Justin, Kate and I had arranged to go to the Modern Art gallery. She thought we needed more culture in our lives or something. A text from Kate woke me up an hour before my alarm was due to go off. Two words, all caps: IT’S SNOWING!!!!!

  I looked out the window. It wasn’t just snowing – it was a blizzard. A pure white blanket covered the garden. The little bird box near my bedroom window had a thick layer on its roof and the blackbird perched on top did not look impressed.

  I texted Kate: IT’S EARLY!!!!!

  Kate suggested shelving our plans and going for a walk in the snow instead. I jumped at the idea. It would give me a chance to do a bit of research so I could say some semi-intelligent things when we eventually went to the gallery rather than staring dumbly and pretending to understand the ‘art’.

  It had stopped snowing by the time I bundled up in my warmest clothes and set off. There weren’t many people around and the snow made everything eerie and quiet. I loved it.

  Kate was waiting for me at the bus stop, woolly hat pulled right down to her eyebrows. ‘Isn’t it beautiful?!’ She kissed me and her lips were warm and welcoming as ever.

  ‘You’re beautiful.’ It was a cheesy line, but Kate never minded cheesy.

  ‘Oh you!’ She slipped her arm through mine and we started walking up the hill. There were only a few sets of footprints in the snow ahead of us. I wished there were none, but you have to get up pretty early to beat the tourists in this town.

  The sun was peeking out from behind the clouds by the time we reached the top of Calton Hill. The view was spectacular. We huddled together to take a photo of ourselves with the castle behind us. Kate insisted on taking the photo again and again until she was happy with the result. It’s one of my favourite photos of us. Our faces are ruddy and our eyes are shining and we look alive. I never thought I looked like a boy in that picture though – there was something soft about me.

  Kate decided she wanted to build a snowman so I started rolling a big snowball to make the body. Then she got bored of waiting and decided it should be a snowbaby, but I told her that was creepy so we made a snowpig instead. Half an hour later the snowpig was looking almost like a pig. Except it had no legs. And no tail. Kate named the pig Tallulah and insisted on taking a picture of me kneeling next to it. She made me do a double thumbs-up to make sure the pig knew how much I loved her. I shook my head. ‘You are completely insane … you do know that, don’t you?’

  ‘Shhh! Don’t let Tallulah hear you talk that way! I don’t want her worrying about her parents splitting up.’ Kate covered Tallulah’s ears with her mittened hands.

  ‘So let me get this straight. Tallulah the snowpig is our … baby? How exactly does that work? Actually, now you mention it … she does look a little like you. There’s a definite similarity in the nose area …’

  Kate grabbed a handful of snow and started packing it into a ball between her hands so I did the same. ‘Say that one more time and I guarantee this snowball is headed right for your face. Also, Tallulah’s adopted, but I really didn’t want her to find out this way. Look, she’s crying little icy tears. How could you do this to our baby?!’

  I threw my snowball first. Not very hard and I made sure not to aim for her face. It hit her shoulder and she looked outraged. She threw hers and it missed by a mile. Her next shot hit me right in the face though. She’d packed the snow pretty hard so it hurt a bit. I decided to make the most of the situation and fell over as if I’d been shot. I pretended to gasp for air. ‘Tell … tell Tallulah I’m sorry and I love her … I … I could never have asked for a better snowpig. I …’ Then I closed my eyes and let my head loll to the side.

  Kate fell to her knees next to me. ‘Noooooooo!’ I sneaked a look out of one eye to see her shaking her fist at the sky. ‘Why, God, whyyyyy? How could you do this to me?! How could you leave me all alone to raise our little pig?! I’ll never forget you, Alex! And I’ll make sure Tallulah grows up knowing exactly the kind of man you were. Rest in peace, my darling.’ She kissed my lips and I grabbed her and kissed her back, hard. We rolled around in the snow, laughing and kissing. I didn’t even care that there were people around; I was so wrapped up in the magic of us.

  Kate started trying to tickle my armpits, which wasn’t that easy when she was wearing gloves and I was wrapped up in about a million layers. I tried to grab her hands but somehow she managed to pin me down – she was stronger than she looked, that girl.

  So there we were, lying in the snow on top of Calton Hill, cold wetness starting to seep into my jeans. And Kate suddenly stopped laughing so I stopped laughing too. Then she said the exact words that h
ad been about to come tumbling out of my mouth. ‘I love you.’ Kate looked almost surprised by her own words, but then she nodded, as if to confirm that she meant them.

  I looked up at her. Her face was framed by the perfectly blue winter sky, her nose was red as Rudolph’s and her hat was almost falling off her head. I wondered if I blinked really hard whether I could take a mental picture and store it in my brain to bring out whenever life was bleak.

  ‘I love you too.’ There was no hint of uncertainty in my voice.

  I’ve never seen a smile more beautiful in my life. Her eyes were sparkling, practically fizzing with happiness. Then she got this mischievous look in her eyes and said, ‘Really?’

  And I said, ‘No, not really. I actually find you kind of repulsive.’

  Kate grabbed a fistful of snow and shoved it in my face.

  *

  I was in love with a girl and she was in love with me. This was what people talked about, what songs were written about, what made the world go round, apparently. Now I could understand what all the fuss was about. I wanted to stop random people in the street and tell them I was in love. But I didn’t, because that would have been weird. I couldn’t tell anyone. I’ve never been much of a talker, but I suddenly wished I did have someone to talk to – someone other than Kate. I had no one. Jonni and Fitz hadn’t been in touch for weeks and there were no likely candidates at school.

  I wished I had a best friend to confide in, someone I could bore senseless with how amazing Kate was. It was strange – being in love somehow made me feel more like a girl. I wanted to gossip over steaming mugs of hot chocolate and laugh about how lame I was and maybe have someone to help me choose a Christmas present for Kate. But then I remembered that Kate’s ‘best’ friend was Astrid, and sometimes no one is infinitely preferable to the wrong someone.

  Kate told me that Astrid had been really nice recently, which made me wonder why you’d be friends with someone whose niceness was so rare that it was worth commenting on. Stella was out of favour, apparently. Astrid reckoned she was jealous that Kate and her both had boyfriends now. Kate didn’t think that was the case, but she’d always been closer to Astrid than to Stella so she wasn’t all that bothered.

  It was hard to work out how Kate felt about Astrid. When she told me some of the ridiculous things Astrid said, you could tell she knew they were ridiculous. But I think being friends with Astrid was so ingrained in her that she thought she had to put up with her forever. I guess that’s what happens when you choose your best friend the first day of primary school (or in Kate’s case, your best friend chooses you).

  Astrid asked a lot of questions about me, apparently. She hadn’t been all that interested before we met – too wrapped up in Justin – but that all changed. Suddenly she was keen to know where Kate and I met and exactly how we got together. Kate thought that her best friend had suddenly realized how a best friend should act and was trying to make up for her previous lack of interest. I wasn’t so sure. I was 99% sure that she hadn’t suspected the truth, because if she had she’d have said something to Kate, surely? Still, there was that nagging nugget of doubt I couldn’t quite shift. I had a bad feeling about that girl.

  chapter nineteen

  I managed to see Kate a lot at the start of the Christmas holidays – I told my parents I was spending loads of time at the library and by some miracle they believed me. Lying was second nature now.

  The snow had turned to slush within a couple of days and now there were only a few patches of dirty grey ice here and there. No chance of a white Christmas if the weather forecast was to be believed. Dad always kept me up to date on the weather forecast – his favourite thing in the world was moaning when they got it wrong (which according to him was almost all the time). I’ve never really understood old people’s obsession with the weather. Who cares if it’s raining or windy or cold? Put a coat on and stop whining.

  Kate and I had arranged to exchange presents on Christmas Eve. It was hard to escape the house because Mum was so adamant that Christmas was family time, and various relatives were due to descend on our house and eat everything in sight. Lucky for me Mum had forgotten to buy the chipolatas to make the pigs in blankets to go with the turkey. I volunteered to get them from M&S. It had to be M&S or Waitrose – no other chipolatas would do, according to Mum. Jamie had been in bed with a severe case of man flu since he’d got back from uni so I didn’t have to worry about him wanting to tag along. He called out from his sick bed in the most pathetic voice imaginable, asking me to get him some orange juice – ‘the proper stuff … with bits in!’

  So I put Kate’s presents in my courier bag and legged it up the hill to Marks. It was carnage. It seemed like there was only one turkey left in the whole shop; the woman who’d bagged it was cradling it in her arms like it was her first-born child and Rumpelstiltskin was hot on her heels. I managed to get the chipolatas and the orange juice, along with an impulse-buy chocolate snowman for Kate. Then I ran up the stairs two at a time and escaped into the relative calm of Princes Street. ‘Calm’ wasn’t exactly the word though. I swear you could see the panic in the eyes of most of the shoppers as they tried to find something (ANYTHING) to buy. People wasting their money all around me, trying to prove they loved their wives or husbands or whoever. Everyone should just hand over all their spare cash to charity and be done with it; the world would be a better place for it.

  Kate was already there when I arrived at the cafe on Cockburn Street. A bunch of tourists were just leaving – they looked like they were dressed for an arctic expedition. There was a flashing red and green sign up behind the counter saying ‘Erry Christ as!’ due to a few blown bulbs. A massive plastic reindeer with peeling fur stood next to the fake fire. It was a pretty ropey-looking place, but the pastries were out of this world and Kate had recently developed a serious weakness for pain au chocolat.

  Kate was facing away from the door so she didn’t see me come in. I leaned over and brushed her hair to the side, kissing her neck. She jumped and squealed. I hadn’t noticed she was wearing headphones. ‘Oh my gosh, you scared the life out of me! I thought one of those Italian guys had taken a liking to me!’ I loved it when she said things like ‘oh my gosh’ like she was straight out of an Enid Blyton book.

  ‘They’d have had me to answer to if they had.’ I sat down on the sofa next to her.

  ‘Awwww, my little tough guy, ready to protect my honour!’ She pinched my cheek. ‘Can I have my present now? Please please please? The suspense is killing me!’

  I laughed. ‘Patience, patience. Also … I told you not to get your hopes up! I’m rubbish at presents.’ I shrugged out of my coat but left the beanie on. The fake fire wasn’t exactly giving out much heat.

  ‘I find it very hard to believe that someone as thoughtful as you is rubbish at buying presents. Let me get you a drink and then we’ll just see about that, OK?’

  I asked for a tea and a pain au chocolat and Kate looked at me suspiciously. ‘You’re just ordering that so I can have some of yours, aren’t you?’

  I grinned. ‘Well, one pain au chocolat never seems to be quite enough for you, so I figured one and half might do the trick.’

  ‘Noooo! I need to fast before tomorrow. I don’t know why Mum insists on cooking enough Christmas dinner for a small army when there’s just the two of us.’

  ‘My dad’s just as bad. He likes to cook extra just in case there are unexpected guests. As if that’s something that ever actually happens at Christmas.’

  ‘I wish I could come to your house for Christmas dinner.’ Even though I knew it was never going to happen, the thought still made me feel panicky.

  ‘It’s total chaos – you’d hate it.’

  ‘I wouldn’t.’ She suddenly looked a bit melancholy, which was the last thing I wanted.

  ‘Anyway … why don’t I go and order and you just sit there and lower your expectations. I can’t deal with all this pressure.’ I smiled and kissed her quickly.

  That s
eemed to snap Kate out of whatever she was thinking. Kate reached up to her ear and made a twisting motion with her fingers. ‘OK, expectations have been dialled down. I would now officially be thrilled to bits with one of those toilet-roll holders … you know the ones? There’s a little doll on top and you put the loo roll under her dress?’

  I stood up, shaking my head and smiling. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about, so I’m afraid you’re all out of luck when it comes to toilet roll holders.’

  ‘Boo! I’ve always wanted one.’

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘No.’

  I rolled my eyes and went up to the counter. The guy told me they were closing in forty-five minutes so he’d only serve us if we’d be gone by then. Not exactly brimming with Christmas spirit. You’d think he’d have been in a hurry to serve me but he did everything at snail’s pace – like he was punishing me for stopping him closing up early.

  I made Kate wait until we’d finished our pastries. She tried to pretend she didn’t want half of mine, but she caved after thirty seconds.

  ‘I think you should open your presents first.’ She was clapping her hands in excitement. ‘Oh my word, I hope you like them …’

  ‘Them? I thought we’d agreed we’d only get each other one present?’

  ‘I know, I know, but one of them didn’t cost anything so I thought that didn’t really count. I mean, it counts … because … well, I hope you like it. But anyway, don’t be annoyed, OK?’

  ‘I’m not annoyed.’ I paused and smiled. ‘Because I got you two presents as well.’

  Kate beamed. ‘I knew it! Good job we’re as bad as each other, isn’t it?’ She handed me two parcels: a tiny one and a bigger, squishy one. The wrapping paper had snowmen on it and she’d drawn a snowpig next to a snowman on the bigger parcel. ‘Open the little one first.’

  I felt nervous as I struggled to open the parcel – she’d really gone to town on the Sellotape. I worried my reaction wouldn’t be right. If I wasn’t enthusiastic enough, Kate would think I hated the present and if I was too enthusiastic she’d also think I hated it and was overcompensating. It was lose/lose.