Chance in Hell

by PATRICK KAMPMAN

  When I first saw the couple of dozen bikes lined up in front of the establishment, I thought they had thrown us a party, but then it dawned on me that the majority of them were lined up in a perfect row in front of the shop, and these were for sale. Despite it being noon on a Tuesday, there were a fair number of customers in the bar getting an early start on the day’s inebriations.

  We got out of the Jeep, and I asked Lacey which side she thought we should try.

  “No idea,” she said. “Never been here.”

  Bryan made the decision for us by walking over to look at the row of bikes that were for sale. We followed him. The front door was propped open with a brick, presumably to allow for some ventilation.

  Bryan had sat down on a lean low chopper with ape hangers and a front wheel that was way out in front of the bike. A deep gravelly voice and a strong scent of wet dog preceded a burly man in jeans and a black Midnight Cycle t-shirt who was walking out the front door.

  “You sit on it, you bought it!”

  We all looked up at his voice. He was grinning. “Just kidding, man, feel free. But really, you should buy it—you look good together. ‘Course that one’s a pain in the ass to turn with the rake like that, but damn, do you look good going straight, you know?”

  I recognized him as the man in the Deli from the first day I got to town. He had given me the thumbs-up sign when I stole Toni’s bike the first time.

  “Chance!” He held out his hand like he was ready to arm wrestle. I clasped it and was pulled into a man-hug. “My man! You got some balls! I can not believe you stole her bike and you’re still breathing. And you did it right after stealing something else from Mister Jonathan Powers!” He shook his head.

  “Twice,” said Lacey.

  “Huh?” he said.

  “Chance stole her bike again the next day.”

  “Toni’s bike? No shit? Seriously?” He shook his head and looked at me in admiration. “Hey, you want a drink, it’s on me!”

  Bryan looked pleased and started to turn for the bar. “Sorry, not you, my man,” said the big biker. “Can’t afford to lose the liquor license.” He turned back to me. “So, I know who you are, but are you going to introduce me to the lovely lady and the kid?”

  “Kid?” said Bryan.

  “No hard feelings, man—I’d trade years with you any day.”

  “This is Lacey, and that’s Bryan, my brother.”

  “All right, the witchy-witch and the brother. I’m Benny, but everybody calls me Rodriguez. I think it was a football thing—you know, they call you by your last name—and then it kind of stuck.”

  “So, now that we’re all introduced, let’s grab a table out back and talk about your situation.” He led us through the inside of the shop. Several mechanics were working on bikes in various stages of disassembly. I knew that at least half of the mechanics were werewolves. It was still weird to me that I was the only one who could tell.

  Classic rock blared through an old boom box, and the walls were decorated with pinups of girls, bikes, and cars. We walked out through one of the two open roll-up doors at the rear of the shop. Behind the building was a cement patio that ran its entire length. A couple of picnic benches had been set out here, apparently for the staff. Each one had some empty bottles and a couple of overflowing ashtrays on it.

  “Take a seat. Sorry about the mess, but getting these guys to clean up after themselves can be a challenge.”

  We sat, and he said, “So Padre tells me you’ve got yourself a little problem. If I understand it correctly, someone stole an object from Mr. Powers, which he wants back in a bad way. This person then hires you to destroy this something, which, as it turns out, is a jar with a bunch of demons in it. Am I right?” I nodded. “Cool. So here’s where we come in. You want Padre to perform an exorcism on the urn. You’re thinking this will destroy it?” I nodded again. “How much did he pay you?”

  “Who?”

  “The guy who asked you to destroy the jar.”

  “Twenty thousand.”

  “No offense, but you got ripped off.” He looked away, and I followed his gaze. The shop backed up onto brown fields that suddenly became hills a couple hundred yards away, the occasional clump of trees springing up here and there. “Okay.”

  “Okay what?”

  “Okay, we’ll do it for ten grand.”

  “I thought you just said my brother got ripped off doing it for twenty?” said Bryan.

  Rodriguez shrugged. “I ain’t doing it for the money.”

  “So why are you doing it?” I asked, still a little skeptical of my luck. “Come to think of it, why is everyone helping me? I mean, this guy is a badass rich mother. He’s got trolls, witches, shamans. He shoots lightning bolts of out his ass, for Christ’s sake.”

  “Because Jonathan Powers is a dick, and no one likes a dick.” Rodriguez smiled. “So I was talking about this with Padre, and he tells me he needs some time to prepare. I think he wants to do it sometime tomorrow. So keep that jar safe until then. We’ll call you with a time and place.”

  He got up. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to work. Feel free to have a drink. Except for you, kid. Sorry, but the cops would love to bust me, and I can’t do those mind games on them like the—” He stopped himself. “Like some others.” He nodded to us and walked back inside the shop.

  We followed him out and, despite the offer, decided to pass on the drinks.

  “Well, that was easy,” said Lacey, getting into the Jeep.

  “Yeah, but it didn’t cost you ten grand. Still, I guess they are doing a lot of the work.”

  “Assuming that we even need them at all,” she said. I had forgotten that she had planned on trying to get rid of the demons herself first. I thought it might be better to reverse the order, and suggested it.

  “I dunno…maybe we should let Father Allen try his exorcism thing first.”

  “What?” She sounded offended. “You don’t think I can handle it?”

  “It’s not that; it’s just that if things don’t go as planned, I’d rather lose a couple of weres than you.”

  Putting it like that seemed to have helped. “Yeah, okay—maybe.”

  “Weres?” asked Bryan. “What the hell is a where? What are you guys even talking about? And, seriously, a jar of demons? Dude, where do you guys come up with this stuff? I know the drug laws are liberal here in California, but man, is the whole state high?”

  “Yeah, look, don’t worry about it. All this will be done by tomorrow night and then we can—” I stopped myself. Lacey was looking at the road, but I could tell she wanted to hear what was coming next. “Figure something out.”

  “Yeah, sure,” said Bryan, slumping back in his seat.

  “Hey, Lacey, I thought you were a witch or whatever. So, what exactly is it you’re supposed to do to get rid of the demons? Were you going to, like, cast a spell on them or something?”

  “Um. It’s like a spell, yeah.”

  “Man, sweet! You could turn them into frogs and we could have frog-demons!”

  “Actually, I had planned on just using a banishment ritual. But, I tell you what—if that doesn’t pan out, I’ll consider turning them into frogs or toads or whatever.”

  “Cool. So is the banishment thing the same thing as an exorcism?”

  “Same results, I think, but a different way of going about it.”

  “So, how different? Does it involve getting naked and dancing around an altar? ‘Cause if so, I could help.”

  “No altars, sorry. It involves a ritual, though—a summoning circle to contain the demons and incantations to banish them. Sacrifice, too. Preferably human. A male under the age of eighteen would be best.” She glanced back at him in the rearview mirror.

  “You better hurry up, then, because Friday’s my birthday.” Shit. I had forgotten. “You want to help me celebrate? I got some magic I can show you. It uses a wand and everything.” He laughed at his own joke and then stopped, adding, “Seriously,
though, why don’t you just do both?”

  “What, sacrifice you and then play with your wand? Ew. No thanks.”

  “Whatever, babe. You don’t know what you’re missing. But no, I mean, why not let the priest do the exorcism thing while you do the witchy thing? You guys could race or whatever.”

  “I don’t think that would work,” I started, but Lacey seemed to consider it.

  “You know, we could try something,” she said. “I could make the circle big enough to contain the exorcism. Then, if something went wrong with that, we would have a failsafe and I could try banishment. That might work.”

  “You’re welcome. See, man? I’m full of great ideas,” said Bryan. “Now where we going for lunch?”

  I saw Lacey smile and glance back in the mirror, and I shuddered at the implications. I didn’t get to worry about it for long, though, because my phone buzzed, and all of a sudden I had a whole new worry.

  “Crap,” I said, then answered: “Hi, Toni.”

  “You didn’t call me.”

  “Sorry, I forgot. There was a lot of stuff going on.”

  “Uh huh. So, you talk to Father Allen?”

  “Oh, yeah. We just met with Rodriguez. They’re going to do it.”

  “Chance! You met with him and didn’t bring any of us?” By “us,” I assumed she meant her pack. “You can’t do things like that.” I had no idea why not, but I kept my mouth shut. “So tell me what happened.”

  “Not much. He said he’d help out. We’re going to do it tomorrow.” From the back seat, Bryan reminded me how much it would cost. “Right—for ten grand. But at this point, I’m okay with that.”

  “Where are you now?”

  “Headed to lunch.”

  “OK. Luigi’s. I’ll meet you there in twenty minutes.” She hung up before I could reply.

  “I guess we’re going to Luigi’s for lunch.”

  “Yum!” said Lacey.

  “Who was that?” asked Bryan.

  “His other girlfriend,” said Lacey, in a tone that left no doubt as to how she felt about it.

  “Damn! Right on, bro! She hot?”

  “Yes; and she’s not my girlfriend, just a girl who is also a friend.”

  “Hot and available—even better,” said Bryan.

  “You might want to stay away from this one, Bryan. For one, she’s like twenty-five. She’s too old for you. And for another, I thought you and the witch were going to be making sweet, sweet ritual magic together.”

  “Hey!” said Lacey.

  “I’m almost eighteen, dude. Twenty-five is perfect, and she can join us!”

  “Hey!” repeated Lacey.

  “What? Don’t witches do it in groups, like convents or something?”

  “Covens, Bryan.”

  “Yeah, covens, whatever.”

  “Covens don’t practice group sex.” She paused. “Okay, well, most of them don’t, anyway. And she’s a bitch, not a witch.” I looked over at her. “What?” she said. “If the shoe fits.”

  “Damn, lunch is going to be fun!”

  “Not if Megan finds out.”

  “What do you mean? If she finds out, that just means the dessert will be even better. Trust me, there’s nothing like a good catfight. Thanks for inviting me to come to California, bro—this place sure is a lot more interesting than Texas.”

  “I didn’t invite you.”

  “Yeah, well, I still like it.”

  Luigi’s was an Italian place downtown. We paid to park and then walked across a street and into the restaurant, which was beyond packed. It looked like it had just been remodeled to look exactly like it had in the sixties. Apparently retro was the in thing. We put our names in and waited for a table. Five minutes later I saw Toni pull up, finding a creative and even semi-legal place to park her bike. Bryan noticed her, too, taking time out from his nonstop flirting with Lacey.

  “Damn, don’t tell me that’s her.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “That’s her,” said Lacey.

  Toni walked in, spotted us, and headed over, taking off her jacket.

  “I am so moving here, dude!” said Bryan, practically salivating.

  Lacey and Toni managed to smile at each other in transparently false ways. Toni hugged me, then said, “Who’s the kid with the dopey grin?”

  “That’s Bryan, my brother.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Bryan opened his arms to hug her, but she just looked at him.

  “No love, man?” he said. She rolled her eyes and dissed him in the way that only a girl who looked like her could.

  Our number came up, and we were seated at a booth. The waiters all wore tuxes, despite the semi-casual atmosphere of the place. They were prompt, too, and took our orders almost immediately after we sat down.

  “So, when and where is this taking place?” asked Toni.

  “Tomorrow. Father Allen is supposed to call me and let me know the details.”

  Toni nodded. “Let me know as soon as you find out.”

  “Why?” asked Lacey.

  “Because we’re going to be there. I’m not going to take the chance that this is all some kind of setup and Rodriguez is working for Powers. Or maybe he wants the urn for himself.”

  Great, I thought; this is going to go well. How many more people can we invite who don’t trust each other?

  “Seriously, you believe all this stuff too?” asked Bryan.

  Toni raised her eyebrows and looked at me.

  “He doesn’t know anything,” I told her. “He’s heading back to Texas soon. Like, this afternoon.”

  “Nah, I plan on sticking around for bit. Watching you guys is way better than working on a job site in August back in Texas. Like a hundred degrees better.”

  “And I know a lot. I know Megan’s a vampire, and Lacey is a witch, and there is some jar with a bunch of demons in it, and some rich computer guy wants it, and then there are a bunch of weres.” He stopped and looked at me with a look that said he thought I was nuts. “Dude, do you mean werewolves?” I nodded. “Right, a bunch of werewolves running around, and stuff.”

  Toni was still looking at me with a quizzical expression.

  “I just don’t believe any of it,” said Bryan.

  Toni looked at him now, and shook her head. “He’s harmless,” I tried.

  “Chance, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you,” she said.

  “I know what you can do with me,” offered Bryan.

  “Does he have an off button?”

  “If so, I haven’t found it yet, and believe me, I’ve been looking for it for years.”

  Our food showed up, and even Bryan ate in silence. It was that good. I picked up the tab. Even down ten grand, I still had more money than ever before, and I wanted to spend some of it quick, in case the next couple of days didn’t pan out and I never got another chance.

  When we got outside, Toni pulled me away. “You’re going to call me this time, right?”

  “Yeah. I promise.”

  “Good.” She had launched a full-scale invasion of my personal space. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.” Her body was up against mine. It was warm, and the musk was filling my senses. She looked in my eyes for a couple of seconds, then reached a hand behind my head and pulled me down to her. As kisses went, it wasn’t the longest I’d ever had, but the quality more than made up for it. She looked into my eyes for a second, then winked and backed up a step. “Just making sure you remember,” she said, then headed over to her bike.

  I turned around to my audience. I had heard about witches giving people the evil eye. I was pretty sure I was getting two of them right now. Bryan was doubled over a bit, like he had a stomachache, but he looked up at me and he was grinning.

  “Damn.” He drew out the word. “Since when did my brother become a player?”

  I tried ignoring them both as we got into the Jeep.

  Chapter 21

  “Where are we headed?” I asked. I had been to the
girls’ house a couple of times now, and I knew the way enough to know that this wasn’t it.

  “We need to stop by the coven.”

  Thoughts went through my mind, most of them related to what had just happened with Toni, and what types of curses Lacey and her witchy friends could put on me.

  “We need to swing by so I can grab some supplies for the ritual.” She was silent for a second, and then said, “And I want to ask them for help. It never hurts to have backup, right? And this is a pretty difficult ritual I haven’t actually tried before.”

  “You haven’t?” That wasn’t good. I was liking the idea of using the exorcism first and Lacey as backup more and more.

  “No, dealing with demons is generally frowned upon. But I’ve been reading a lot about it since yesterday. I’m pretty sure I can do it!” The way she said the last part didn’t exactly inspire confidence. “Okay, well, mostly sure.”

  We drove for another ten minutes, Lacey and I enduring Bryan’s inane comments about the people and places we passed. I continued the tradition of being continually surprised by the events of the past few days when Lacey pulled into a parking space on a quaint, old-town-feeling street lined with shops.

  I wasn’t really sure where a coven of witches would call home. I suspected it wouldn’t be a health food store or an herbal remedy clinic. After seeing firsthand what Lacey could do, I knew that these weren’t going to be anything resembling Wiccans.

  I thought we might be headed for a cottage in the middle of the woods, or the top floor of a tall stone tower, maybe the basement of a mortuary. Or even that old crooked house that sits in every neighborhood, the one the kids tell each other is haunted and then place bets on who will try to set foot in the yard.

  What I did not expect was Dottie’s Beauty Parlor. A little bell rang above the door as we entered. I could tell by Bryan’s expression that he felt as uncomfortable as I did. A handful of ladies occupied the room, most of them over sixty, all sitting in chairs with large plastic hairdryers over their heads. They looked our way when we entered. Two waved and said hello to Lacey. I could feel them, or most of them, anyway. Their auras, or whatever you’d call them, were similar to Lacey’s. Magical. The whole place buzzed with it.