by Ward, H. M.
“You’re not a whore.” The wind whips the hair out of his eyes as he stands there, unblinking. His voice is calm, even.
The corner of my mouth tugs up into a sad smile and I shake my head. “I know what I am, what I have to do, and I already said yes. I am what you made me, so let’s not sugarcoat things. I don’t want to pretend.”
“I do.” His confession surprises me.
My lips part, but I don’t know what to say, so I stand there gaping at him. A car pulls into the parking lot and drives between us. Neither of us moves, we just stand there frozen with unspoken thoughts. He looks away and takes a shaky breath before that playful smirk returns to his face. It’s his mask, a guise that hides every thought in his head, so no one will ever know what he really thinks or feels about anything.
I hate it. I want him to throw it away, but I don’t dare ask. The guy I knew isn’t in there anymore. He can’t be. I step toward him and look up into his face. The pull between us is strong and I know I’ll regret this, but I say it anyway. “Then, let’s pretend. I’ll be me and you be you. No time has passed, we never broke up, you don’t hate me—oh, and you didn’t threaten me. I’m here because I want to be. I’ll be her, I’ll be the version of me that you remember, because that’s what you want, isn’t it? I wrote about the past, but you want to relive it, so we will.”
Bryan studies my face as I speak, his eyes lock with mine and don’t look away. “And?”
“And you will act like the man you are now and stop this fake crap.”
Bryan’s chest rises and falls as his eyes drift to my dark hair. He lifts a curl and winds it around his finger, studying the smoothness of my dark strands like he’s never done so before. “You don’t want that.”
“Uh, no, you don’t want that. Bryan…” my voice trails off. I’m so frustrated. Butterflies are swirling in my stomach and I swear to God that they’re going to fly out of my nose if I don’t either kiss him or step away, but I can’t. We’re locked together like two pieces of a puzzle. I drop my eyes and suck in a jagged gulp of air. Bryan’s gaze heats my face, slowly caressing it, relearning the lines and curves that were once so familiar to him.
“Hallie.” I look up when he calls my name and before I know what’s happened his hands are on my cheeks and his lips are pressed to mine. It’s the softest kiss I’ve ever felt, gentle as a snowflake’s caress. It leaves me shaking and craving more, but he’s pulled away.
Bryan’s lips are parted as he watches me. He finally says, “Things are this way for a reason. Trust me when I say that you don’t want to know more.”
Bitterness chokes me. “Trust you. That’s rich.”
“I trust you.” Damn, those eyes. They penetrate me to my core, stealing glimpses of my soul. His expression is so sincere that it scares me.
I give a knee-jerk reaction and counter, “You shouldn’t. You don’t know me anymore, and as soon as I get the chance, I’ll get even with you for this. I swear to God, I will.”
I mean every word I say. Vengeance burns through me and a steady stream of heat makes my fingers curl at my sides. Despite the attraction, I can sense when someone is out to hurt me and I know—without a doubt—that Bryan will decimate me. I feel the sensation swirl within my gut, warning me to stay away.
The luminous smile returns to his beautiful face before he clicks his tongue and raises a brow at me. Leaning in close to my face, he whispers, “I’m looking forward to it.”
CHAPTER 11
I need liquor. Seriously. My heart has been pounding since that kiss and it won’t slow down. The constant adrenaline rush is making me frantic. I want to run, scream, and dance all at the same time. Manic laughter tries to bubble up from within me, but I grip my hands together and twist, trying to force it back down.
Bryan, on the other hand, seems completely cool and collected. We’re laying on the lawn behind the mansion at the Bayard Cutting Arboretum. There’s an enormous grassy field that stretches from the back of the house all the way down to the water. Lavish houses line the opposite shore, but none are as large as this one. It’s one of the oldest homes in the area and it was turned into a state park before I can remember. There aren’t many people outside today, it’s a bit too brisk, but Bryan doesn’t mind and neither do I.
We lay in the grass, side by side, and stare at the sky. Bryan’s hands are tucked behind his head revealing the toned body that I used to know so well. But he’s older now and the lines of his chest and waist have changed. Rather than growing softer, he’s become more angular with a trimmer waist. The muscles in his arms curve perfectly. The thought of having those arms around me flashes through my mind, but I swat the thought away. Eventually, he’ll stop playing and demand what he wants, but for now Bryan is content to stare at clouds and pretend we’re friends.
After a prolonged silence he confesses, “When I was a kid I wanted to live here. I thought I could buy this house.” He laughs softly and glances over at me. “That was the first time I learned that some things can’t be bought.”
I don’t respond because his admission gets under my skin. Apparently he can’t buy a house, but he can buy me. I press my lips together and stare at a cloud that’s all fluffy, curvy lines.
Bryan’s eyes are on the side of my face, but I don’t look at him. When I do, I get lost in the depths of him and only see what I want to see. I wish so badly that we remained friends, but things didn’t turn out that way, and now here we are, with me plotting to get even with him on the lawn of one of our old hang outs. Yeah, we were weird. Bryan and I used to walk around here when we were together. The only other people around are the elderly and flocks of geese and ducks that reside down by the water.
When he looks away, Bryan takes a deep breath, and asks, “Why’d you write it about me? I mean, you could have written anything you wanted about any of your lovers and you chose me. I want to know why.” He has trouble asking the question. The way his voice comes out tells me so.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Besides, I already told you. It wasn’t meant to offend anyone.” Screw that, it wasn’t meant to be seen by anyone. I have horrible luck. For every good thing that happens, three more sucky things pop up at the same time. Bryan is a clusterfuck of payback for my good fortune.
I steal a glance his way when he doesn’t answer. His dark lashes are closed and he’s breathing deeply, like my response pained him. When his eyes open again, he sees me. Bryan rolls onto his side and we’re nose to nose. “I don’t care if this whole thing blows up in my face, it’s worth the price.” I say nothing as my pulse pounds harder and his lips draw nearer. His emerald eyes dip from my gaze to my lips and back. In a low voice he says, “Pretend you love me. Kiss me, Hallie… Just once.”
Those words take hold of my heart and rip it from my chest. How can he say things like that to me? After everything we’ve been through, after the way he’s been treating me. I steady my voice, not trusting it to come out as sternly as I need it to. “You have no right to say things like that to me.”
“Don’t you wish for things, Hallie? Don’t you dream of second chances?”
He’s plunged a dagger into my heart and is twisting it. I might as well be the thief from last night because his words are killing me. I realize what bothers me most about all of this and it’s crippling—I never stopped loving him. It didn’t matter that we parted ways and never spoke again, my affection didn’t die. It’s still there, burning bright and he knows. I can’t protect myself from him, I’ve never been able to mask my emotions from him.
My words turn to ice and I steel my voice, “There is no such thing as a second chance. Ask my mother or my father—whoever he is. Ask the man who adopted me and spared me from so much for so long. Ask me why I don’t wish or want anymore. Ask me Bryan.” But he doesn’t. Instead, he just stares at me with his lips parted, surprised. “Dreams are poison. They turn to dust too quickly and infect every part of your life like a cancer that can’t be stopped. I refuse to waste my
life looking backward Bryan. There’s nothing there for me, so tell me why we’re reliving the past? Why’d you bring me here?”
Bryan rolls onto his back and breathes. He watches the sky for a long time before taking my hand, and weaving our fingers together. I want to pull away, but it’s not because I don’t enjoy his touch, but the opposite. Every caress of his skin on mine leaves me craving more.
“Do you hate me?” he finally asks. When I open my mouth to respond, he adds, “Tell me the truth. I’ll know if you’re lying and I don’t need more lies—not from anyone, especially you.”
His hand remains holding mine. My first response was to say I don’t hate him, but I don’t know him anymore. “Bryan, I don’t know what to think—of you or this. It seems like you wanted to be with me again, but then I don’t understand why you—” My words erupt into a shrill scream when I feel something cold and sharp dig into my ankle. I dart upright, shrieking.
Bryan copies me and looks around for the source of my outcry. A big fat duck is standing by my foot and staring at me like I’m insane. It’s right next to me and I had no idea it was there. I’m hysterical and practically crawling my way onto Bryan’s lap as the beast honks and steps toward me.
Bryan doesn’t know what’s happened, but doesn’t push me away. His arms close around me and he asks.
“It bit me! Get away!” I’m yelling at the duck and kicking my foot at it.
“Seriously?” He smiles and looks between me and the overly affectionate animal.
“Yes! The fucker frickin bit me!” A few old ladies on the patio gasp at my language, but the duck stands there, licking his chops like he wants more. Frantically, I gesture to my leg and stutter out more phrases, most of which are totally incoherent.
“Calm down. Let me look at it.” Bryan tries to pry me off, but I can’t let go. That monster is still there, waiting to eat my leg off. I cling to Bryan, digging my nails into his shoulders, and refusing to release him.
I shake my head furiously. “No!”
“Okay, okay,” he says softly, not trying to put me down. Somehow he manages to get to his feet and carries me to one of the lawn chairs. The duck stays where we were laying and stares at me, blinking it’s beady black eyes. “Let me see your ankle.”
I pull up my jean leg and expect to see mangled skin, but there’s not even a mark. I blink, not understanding. “But he bit me.”
One of the old ladies on the porch is close enough to hear me. She says, “That one is too friendly for his own good. He gave you a little love bite, that’s all.” She’s trying not to laugh, but there’s an amused grin on her face.
“A love bite?” Bryan echoes.
She turns to him and nods. “That one must have been a pet. He has two brothers and the three of them usually walk around like they grew up in a bucket, smashed together. My guess is someone got them for Easter and then dumped them at the river when they got too big. This one is too friendly. He wanders up here and goes into the house all the time. He likes her.”
I let out a shaky breath and don’t know if I should laugh or cry. “I got attacked by a duck.” I sound shocked.
“No babe, a duck tried to make out with your ankle. I’ll have to try that later.” There’s laughter in his voice, although he keeps the smile off his face. “You’re all right, you know. You’ll always be all right. You’ve been through so much and I’m sure you could kick that duck’s ass if you had to.” Bryan’s lips twitch as he says the last sentence, which is contagious.
Laughter and tears burst through at the same time and I can’t stop. Bryan wraps his arms around me and kisses my cheek before wiping away the tears. He holds my face in his hands and looks into my eyes. “The last thing I needed is more competition. Tell me, where do I stand compared to Neil and the ankle biter over there? He’s kind of hot, in a Howard the Duck kind of way. You’re not into that, are you? I’m only asking because it’s been a while.”
I manage to elbow him in the ribs and he lets out an oof sound. “No! I don’t do livestock!”
The old lady on the porch spews her tea and starts choking as the duck takes a step closer. My grip on Bryan loosens before I stand and then stomp my foot at the animal. A normal duck would have run, but that stupid thing just stands there and eyes my foot like it’s porn. Bryan laughs as the old lady mops up her table before her tea spills onto her friends.
“Come on, Hallie.” Bryan takes my hand and pulls me away. We cut to the path that leads to the parking lot. “It’s time to do something I’ve always wanted, but never had the chance.”
Distracted, I glance behind us. The damn duck is following, waddling slowly behind on the path. Two other white ducks emerge from the shrubs and flank him. “Yeah, and what’s that?” I ask not really paying attention.
He jerks my arm and pulls me close. My body presses tightly to his and he has my full attention. “I want to taste every inch of you.” The look in his eye and the way he holds me tells me that he means it. I part my lips to say something, but he offers another of those light kisses and I forget what I was going to say. The way his lips brush against mine is like a drug, clouding all thoughts, except one—I want more.
CHAPTER 12
It’s late afternoon by the time we’re at his place—correction—his family mansion. I glance over at him like he’s crazy when he pulls his little sports car up into the courtyard. He cuts the engine and gets out, before walking around and opening my door.
As he holds it for me and offers his hand, I tease, “You still live with your mother? Lame.” But it’s so far from lame that it’s not funny. Bryan has his own wing in the estate home. The Ferro fortune is vast and the size of this mansion indicates how deep their pockets extend. My hand slips into Bryan’s palm and tingles shoot straight through me. I forget how to breathe.
Bryan offers a smirk as his grip tightens, but it slips away instantly. My statement was so ludicrous that there’s no way he should be upset about it, but he seems to be. “Come along, Hallie. No more fighting it or putting it off.”
I can’t help it. I bait him. “Put what off? I’m not the one who tossed my ass out last night. I was ready to go.” I’m such a liar and he knows it.
Bryan rounds on me, his expression formidable, and brings his lips so close to mine that I think he’s going to kiss—or bite—me. “Lies are not becoming on you.”
“They don’t exactly flatter you, either.” My heart is beating so loud that I’m sure he can hear it. Why can’t I act like he’s a jackass? Bryan Ferro is a messed up asshole and yet, I turn to mush when he touches me or flashes those startling green eyes my way. The intensity of his gaze frightens me and I can’t hide the tremble it causes.
“I’ve not lied to you.”
“You haven’t told me the truth, either. An omission is a lie, so let’s not play games.”
His eyes dip to my lips. “Fine, then let’s do what we came here for.”
My heart slams into my ribs by his abruptness. There’s no subtle talk, not for him, not this time. “I’m going to take you to my bed, strip you naked, and lick every inch of your beautiful body before making you scream my name as you come. You’ll be so sated you won’t be able to walk for a week.”
My lower lip quivers involuntarily. Bryan closes the space between us and nips my lip before backing away and tugging my arm toward the door. We walk through the mansion, passing servants—all of them ignore us. Suddenly, I’m so nervous that I lose all my muster. He’s the one in control and calling the shots.
I’ve been here before. I’ve walked these hallways and been in his bed. It’s like déjà vu and the emotions hurling through me are a million times worse than last night.
I jerk his arm when we’re about to enter his room. “What if your sister sees us?”
“Jos isn’t here.”
I nod and look at the floor as he reaches for the doorknob. I can’t step into those rooms. I’ll be pummeled by flashbacks and fall to pieces. “How is she?” Jocelyn is hi
s twin sister and way too nice to be related to any of them. She has dark hair and green eyes, but that’s where their similarities end. She has a softness to her that’s so innocent, which is weird since she grew up with four Ferro brothers. Add in their deranged cousins and it’s the strangest thing I’ve ever seen.
Bryan shrugs and starts to open the door. “Same as she’s always been—too soft.” He pauses for a beat, like he’s thinking about something. His eyes dip to his hand on the doorknob and I have no idea what he’s recalling—if it’s about me or another part of his messed up life.
I blurt out, “What about your brothers?”
“They’re not here either.” Bryan’s hand slips off the knob and he turns to look at me. A wicked grin spreads across his lips. “Are you afraid to be here, Hallie? Last time you were in this hallway you practically broke the door down to get at my bed.” My face flames red and I try to look away. The memory ignites like dried tinder and I gasp. Bryan takes my chin and turns my face back toward him. “Well?”
“I’m not afraid.” My pulse quickens with the lie.
Bryan leans in and whispers in my ear, which shoots an electric current straight into my stomach. My spine stiffens in response and I stop breathing. “Then prove it.”
He backs away and his gaze shifts to meet mine. I know when I’m being baited, but my response is juvenile. I can’t let him see how weak I’ve become, and yet, when I walk through that door the things I wrote in my book will become real again. The memories will spring forth and there will be no way to separate them from this and I’ll lose whatever joy they brought me.
Shoving past him, I reach for the knob and twist. My heart thumps rapidly like there’s a lion on the other side, but I push the door open and walk in. Bryan follows after me and shuts the door behind me. I don’t turn, but I hear the lock click.
My eyes wander from one surface to another—the dresser, the bed, the big leather chair, the window sill—and I remember him there and the things he did to me. The sensations flood me, too many of them, all at once. I stand there frozen being barraged by my past, hearing echoes of things that once were and are no more. My jaw locks tight as my ears hear only white noise coupled with the sounds of ancient echoes—Bryan’s deep moans of pleasure and the way he’d cry out as he dug his fingers into my hips, driving deeper into me as he did so. I hear voices that no longer exist and feel like I’m trapped in a dream that’s crumbling to bits.
