by Ward, H. M.
I lose my nerve and spin on my heel, darting for the door, but Bryan cuts me off and steps in front of me. He looks down at my face and rests his hands on my shoulders. “A deal is a deal. Don’t ruin it now, not when you’re almost done.”
I don’t pretend anymore, I can’t. He can’t possibly fathom what this place is doing to me, how cruel it is to submerge me in the past this way. I’m drowning in memories that were once happy and now he’s tainting them. They’re toxic, poisoning me, seeping into my lungs and drowning me.
Run Hallie…run. The voice in my head sounds panicked.
I try to breathe but I can’t. The pressure on my ribs is squeezing so tightly that it feels like I’m trapped under a pile of rocks, having every last breath squeezed from my lungs. “STOP!” I scream and pound my fists into his chest, shouting out whatever comes into my mind. “You knew what this would do to me, you knew, and you brought me here anyway!”
“You said yes.” His voice is calm, but he grabs my wrists so I can’t hit him a second time. He holds me tight and yanks my arms upward, making me look into his eyes. “You had a choice and you willingly came here.”
“Don’t do this to me.”
“I could say the same thing to you, but I haven’t. This is a business transaction, Hallie. There doesn’t have to be any emotion, so set yours aside.”
“I’m not dead inside, Bryan! I still feel and want things…” I’m breathing hard when my voice trails off. My chest rises and falls like I’ve been running too far, for too long.
I’m alive.
For the first time in a long time, I feel it, and I know it. I still mourn my life and my losses, but I don’t want to wallow there any longer. I want my life back and I want to fight for it. I grit my teeth and rip my wrists from his grasp, not knowing if he’s doing this on purpose or if Bryan just brings me back because of who he is—my other half.
From the time I first met him, he had this way about him. Everything from his touch, to the way he thought, lined up and complimented my own. At times I couldn’t tell where I ended and he began. I didn’t believe in soul mates, until I met him and have seen no evidence of them since. But the world is cruel to match me with him. Bryan Ferro, the heartless.
I repeat, “I’m not dead inside.”
His voice is gentler this time, coaxing me out of my fear. “Then prove it, Hallie. I know you’ve held back so much for so long. Take it out on me. Use me, have me in any way you want—any way you need. Don’t think, just act. Take what you need and don’t consider tomorrow. Live right here and now. Make a memory that you won’t regret.” Bryan watches me closely, his eyes scanning my face, looking for signs of my intentions. He’s so close to me that the draw to him tugs hard, yanking over and over again to close the distance, but I can’t move.
He has to understand, but I know he doesn’t. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know.”
“Not back then and not now.” He nods slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. I swallow hard waiting for him to say something, but he doesn’t. “Do you believe me?”
“The truth?” He presses his lips together and looks away. “I know you didn’t mean to, but it still ripped me apart—both times. After all these years, I hear about you from a goddamn book and see you on a fucking stage. Did I mean so little to you that you’d—” He smiles hard, fake, and shakes his head. “No, this is why I chose to do things this way. There’s no way around it. The past is the past and there’s no future for us—we both know it—so let’s stop skirting around the obvious. I want you and you want me. Your current boyfriend hasn’t satisfied you since you met. If he did, you would have written about him. So do what comes naturally, Hallie, and be my little slut one more time.” His voice becomes cold as he speaks and there’s no hint of the warm, playful man I knew.
My hand flies and slaps his cheek. The sound is deafening. My body becomes rigid and for a moment, neither of us moves.
Bryan finally steps aside and unlocks the door. “Your call. You can go back to that idiot or be my sex goddess for the night, but if you go back to him every deal you have on the table will be gone by morning.”
I step away from the door, toward him. I’m not thinking about the money or his threats, but something else. “Why didn’t you just ask me?”
“Ask you what?”
I tuck my hair behind my ear and spit it out. It’s the question that’s been bouncing around in my mind since I saw him at the hotel. “Why didn’t you just ask me to sleep with you? Why didn’t you come up to me after the awards show and invite me to relive old times? Why’d you have to do things this way?”
He laughs once, but there’s no happiness in it. “I have my reasons.”
“Chicken.” I take a step closer to him. I know I’m playing with fire. I don’t understand his sudden onset of anger or softness. His mind is a puzzle to me.
“Prude.”
I laugh. “We both know that’s not true.”
“No, we don’t. People change, and you’ve repressed every urge you ever had. I’d be amazed if you could even find my dick, never mind the rest.”
My jaw drops, but my shock dissipates and my tongue sharpens. “Asshole.”
“You used to like that too.” He grins. I shove him with my palms, half laughing, and half serious. This brings a smile to those wicked lips. “So you want it rough?” Pressing my mouth shut, I shake my head. “Then what do you want?”
“To be someone else.” I smile grimly. “I’m supposed to be loyal and faithful, even though Neil told me to do this. I’m supposed to be someone else, anywhere else, but here I am with you.”
Bryan takes my face in his palms and tilts my head up. He meets my gaze and the surge of lust smashes into me like a tidal wave. He draws my thoughts from me, one at a time. “But you want to be here?” I can’t look at him. “And you want things that you shouldn’t?”
“Bryan…” I make the mistake of glancing up at him.
His eyes are so vibrant, so green and perfect. His lips are full and the softest shade of pink. I want to lean into his firm chest and press my lips to his. I want to follow the course that my body sets out for us and see where it goes, but I can’t. I can’t—that phrase—repeats over and over again.
“Hallie, kiss me.” His voice has the tone of a command, but I can tell that I have a choice. He won’t force me, even though he’s threatened to. My gaze fixates on his mouth and I think about how much I want those lips and how desperate I am to taste his kiss.
The problem is that I don’t know if this will destroy everything I had with him before. I’m so afraid of losing the only good parts of my past that I’m paralyzed. I can’t move forward, but I can’t go back. Bryan rubs his thumb along my cheek and whispers, “One kiss, Hallie.”
The draw to him, to his lips, is impossible to resist. A kiss won’t change things, so I stop fighting it and lean in. My lips brush across his as he cups my face with his hands. It’s that light kiss from before, the one that makes me want so much more. By the time he pulls away, I’m gasping and trembling.
Bryan doesn’t release me, instead he leans close and kisses my cheek. Currents sizzle through me as I resist the urge to fall into his arms and let him have his way with me. Will it be like it was? That was so long ago. I’m not the same person anymore and neither is he. I’m lost in thought when he says, “Stop thinking.” He plants a kiss at the base of my neck and the thoughts blow away like leaves in the wind. My knees buckle and I fall against his firm chest.
Bryan’s lips sweep over my neck and are gone too soon. He steps back and takes all the air with him. I nearly stumble forward, but manage to right myself. I hate it when he does that. It makes me want more and suddenly I can see us together for a moment, our two bodies sliding against each other and covered in a sheen of sweat. I gasp at myself. I shouldn’t want this with him. He’s using me… but then his words bounce back in my mind. He wants me to use him. Can I do that?
Can this just be s
ex and nothing more? Bryan’s face is flushed and he’s breathing hard. His eyes are hooded and that hot gaze is lingering on my breasts. “Strip for me, Hallie.”
I don’t want to do what he says, but my hands move without my consent and I peel off my top and shimmy out of my jeans after shucking my shoes. I’m standing there barefoot wearing nothing but my bra and panties, but that’s not good enough. “Lose all of it.” Bryan folds his arms across his chest and slips those beautiful eyes over my body before meeting my gaze. “I want you naked, now.”
Something about his voice reminds me of old times, but the look in his eyes is different. It’s as if he’s hungry for me, like he’ll never see me again. Reaching around to my back, I unhook my bra and let it slip away. The fabric falls to the floor at his feet as my pulse pounds harder. Every inch of me is tingling, wanting to be touched, but Bryan doesn’t move.
“Continue.” He says with a look of utter indifference.
I’m standing there wondering what the hell I’m doing. I could grab my clothes and run or give in. The logical part of my mind is telling me to run like hell, but I don’t. My feet stay glued before him, half naked. Bryan’s eyes lift from my breasts to meet my gaze. We watch each other as I make my decision. Memories of him fly by beneath my eyelids—kisses, touches, and things too intimate to do with anyone else—things carnal by nature. Bryan never judged me for that and in that moment, I want him so much that I can’t stand it. The pull to him is so intense, so illogical. The door behind me is unlocked and the windows aren’t shaded. Anyone could see me and yet, I don’t care.
I loved him once. It took so long to get over him.
You never got over him, the voice in my head chides.
Just breathe. My thumbs hook into the sides of my panties and I slip them past my hips and down my thighs. I loop the little lacy fabric over my foot and step toward Bryan, handing them to him the way I’d done in the past. He hides his emotions, but acts the way he used to. He lifts my bottoms to his nose and inhales deeply, closing his eyes as he does so. When those green orbs open again, he watches me through lowered lashes and tucks my panties into his pocket. “On the bed.”
I want to see him and run my fingertips over his slick skin, but Bryan doesn’t strip. I glance at the door and back at him. He offers a smirk. “Worried about getting caught?”
“No,” I lie, trying to be more confident than I actually am. “What about you?”
“Hell no. I’d be proud if someone caught me with you.” That makes me smile, I can’t help it. I try to hide it by turning around and padding across the room to his bed. It’s a huge room, with a sitting area and a media room off to both sides, but the bed is across from the door at the back of the room.
Bryan has an antique four poster bed. The posts are carved swirls that spire up high into the room. The walls are painted to look like leather and his blankets are different than the last time I was here, more mature. They’re dark browns and blacks, sophisticated and expensive. “Crawl up.”
I do as he says, expecting him to tell me to turn, but he grabs my bare hips and stops me. “Stay like that and let me taste you.” Bryan leans in and before I feel his mouth, his warm breath passes over my sensitive parts. I shudder and try not to gasp, but I already did. When his tongue licks my seam and pushes deeper I fight the sensations shooting through me. It’s been so long since I was kissed this way. Bryan is gentle at first, but then he laps me, drinking me like he could never get enough. His tongue pushes deeper and he pulls my hips back, encouraging me to rock against him. After more delicious licks, I’m still stiff.
Bryan lifts his head. “Relax and enjoy it. Let go, Hallie. I won’t hurt you. I promise.”
False promises. The thought rings in my head before his mouth goes back to work.
Every pass of his tongue makes me lose more and more of myself until I’m surrounded in a cloud of lust, unable to find my way out. I press back into his mouth as he darts his tongue deeper into my folds. My hands splay on the bed and I rest my head, leaving my hips in the air so he can have his way with me. I buck into him, feeling things I haven’t felt in forever. I’m burning, demanding, and begging him to push me over the edge of ecstasy.
I’m not Hallie anymore—I’m his. I want him to do anything and everything. I beg him for it, saying things that I haven’t said before, but he doesn’t stop. Instead, Bryan flicks, sucks, and teases me until I’m promising him anything. “That’s the Hallie I know. Keep begging me baby, and I’ll be good to you.”
Bryan dips his head once more and his tongue is so warm—so perfect. He touches me gently as his fingers push into me, rubbing the perfect spot until I find my release. I cry out, pushing back into his face before I go still. My heart continues to pound violently as Bryan licks me until he’s satisfied. His touches are tender and so different from the last time we were together.
Between breaths, my hazy thoughts whisper nonsense about love and gentle caresses. For a second I wonder if he got over me. He’s not said a thing about it and his actions are so bipolar that this could be a whim.
Perhaps Bryan heard about me on the television and wanted me again. Maybe he’s between lovers and thought it would be easier to blackmail me rather than find a new girlfriend. No, that doesn’t sound like him. Bryan could flash that beautiful smile at any woman and her knees would weaken. He came after me for a reason, and although he acts like it’s revenge, this didn’t feel like it. It felt soft and pure—two traits that Bryan is normally lacking.
Bryan is still clothed when he crawls up on the bed beside me. He sits on the edge, next to me, watching. His eyes linger on my bare curves. It makes me wish he’d wrap his arms around me. Pretending doesn’t sound so bad right now. If it were years ago, I’d roll into his arms and he’d kiss me senseless until I was ready to keep going, but that’s not the way things go tonight.
When he speaks his voice sounds labored. “Roll over so I can see you.” I do as he asked, even though I feel shy about it. It’s been years since he’s seen me. My hips aren’t small and my thighs are way past thin. My curves have filled out, and not in ways desirable to me. Neil encourages me to work out, but I haven’t—not since I lost my father.
Bryan’s hot gaze lingers on my hips, before traveling up to my neck, and then resting on my face. He smiles thoughtfully. Softly he says, “I had no idea beauty intensifies with age. This curve right here is perfection.” He presses his finger to the base of my hip and draws a line up to my waist. I suck in a breath, but try to be still. Every time he touches me, I crave more. It’s as if the boundaries that divide the present and the past have crumbled. I don’t care why I’m here at this moment, I just want things to be the way they were before he left me.
Bryan scoots up to the headboard and lies back on his pillows before patting the spot next to him. I follow his silent directive and crawl to the empty space beside him. Bryan wraps an arm around me and pulls me to his side.
I refuse to think. I will not be overcome with the onslaught of emotions that this small gesture brings. As we lay together, his breathing slows and I know he’s fallen asleep. When I listen to him breathe, I hear that hitch—that small gasp of air—that was there when we were in his hotel room. I didn’t imagine it. Is he crying in his sleep? What’s causing that sound? It’s heartbreaking to listen to.
I remain by his side for an hour or more. By the time I push up, it’s dark and Bryan shows no sign of rousing. Pushing up on my elbow, I look down at his serene face and brush the dark hair from his brow. I whisper to him things that I probably shouldn’t say, but life’s too short to go on like this. “I missed you so much. I wish things were different. I wish you were still mine.”
CHAPTER 13
I head into his bathroom—it’s bigger than my Dad’s house—and try to fix my hair. It’s all mussed like I was doing naughty things. If his mother is home, I’ll die. I open a drawer looking for a comb or something to smooth down my frizzy fro when I see a plethora of little orange pre
scription bottles. They roll to the front of the drawer making it easy to see the name typed on the stickers: BRYAN FERRO.
I lift one and look at it. I don’t recognize the drug, but some of the others are familiar. Bottle after bottle of pain killers, mostly narcotics, fill the drawer. I glance back at Bryan, asleep on the bed, and wonder what he’s gotten himself into. He’s a pill junkie? I couldn’t even tell he was on anything.
The spot in the center of my chest feels hollow with this revelation. The Bryan I knew didn’t mess around with drugs, but this man does. I wonder what else he does, what other forms of entertainment he partakes of that are foreign to me.
I close the drawer and open another, finally finding a brush. I run it through my hair and do the best I can given the state my hair is in. I tidy up my smeared make-up and decide that’s the best it’s going to get.
The question of how to get home is still reeling through my mind. I need to get to Maggie still and convince her to stay with me and Neil tonight. Neil. That’s going to be weird. I shove aside the thoughts and tiptoe past Bryan and out his door, quietly closing it behind me.
When I turn around, I smack into a firm chest and look up. Jon Ferro, Bryan’s cousin, is standing there with a bemused look on his face.
As soon as he recognizes me his happy expression shifts to anger. “What are you doing here?” Jon is all muscle, dark hair, and bright blue eyes like his brothers. He’s my least favorite person to talk to, so I try to walk past him, but he grabs my elbow. “Don’t tell me he’s gotten back together with you.”
