Harvesting Acorns

by Deirdré Amy Gower

  He stood there, staring at her as she ran and then at her closed door for a few more minutes. He wanted to rush in there after her and tell her he would not leave. He knew though that he had got so far with his studies. That everything he was doing now was to be able to provide a home for Grace one day and to have a life with her. It was a sacrifice they needed to make now, for better things later on. He knew she understood. He trusted in her love. They just needed to hang in there a while longer. He got slowly into his car and drove back to the cabin. He could not escape the memories of the last two days and sobbed his heart out into the pillow he had shared with Grace a few hours ago. The next morning he packed as early as he could, stopped briefly to say goodbye to his parents and then left.

  He did not get a letter from Grace for about a month after he left and she did not reply to any of his. He kept telling her how much he loved and missed her, and that he would be with her if he could. Eventually she wrote to him. She told him that she would wait for him, but the coming and going was getting too hard for her. She thought they should just focus on getting through their studies and as soon as they were done they could reconnect.

  For the next two years there would not be any full moon picnics. They had promised to visit the tree at that time each year but she suggested they do it separately for the next two. That year Joel could visit and she would the following year. She wasn’t strong enough to see it that year, and definitely not with him. Joel was heartbroken. He understood her pain completely; but not that she didn’t want to see him for two years. He thought he would give her time to calm down and reconsider and so he replied telling her so and that he would not write again until she was ready. He did not hear from her again for a long time but his every thought was about her. His marks dropped that semester and it took a warning from his lecturer that he had come too far to throw it all away to make him focus again.

  During this time, Joel had thrown himself into his studies. He avoided all of his friends and did not attend any social functions. He just wanted to get through his studies so he could be with Grace. One afternoon, while studying outside in one of the university’s parks, a young woman his age approached him. He instantly recognised her; Dana had been at school with him and Grace. She had pursued him for a while but had given up when she realised he would not look at anyone but Grace. They chatted for a while and she asked about Grace. He told her they had agreed not to see each other until their studies were complete and how he was missing her.

  In his vulnerability, he had not seen the ulterior motives behind Dana’s concern, and her support in the weeks ahead. She had popped over unannounced on a number of occasions, bringing lunch or biscuits she had baked. They started spending quite a bit of time together. For Joel, it was purely companionship, and someone, he thought, who would listen to him pour out his heart about his love for Grace.

  He went home that spring, and as promised, visited the tree alone. He sat silently, wishing with all his heart that Grace would change her mind and meet him there. She never did. He could not understand it; surely she wanted to see him? Surely their ritual meant something to her? He left the next day, but wrote to her the moment he arrived back at the campus. She never replied. He kept writing every week for the next two months, but no replies came and so he stopped. However, he felt in his heart that something was not right.

  A month later, on a whim, he booked himself off from his lectures for a week. His lecturers were not happy, but he was an A student, he had picked up his pace and was ahead of the rest of the class with his assignments and so they felt a week’s break would be all right. He packed a bag and left immediately.

  When he arrived he went straight to Grace’s house. Her mother answered the door and was surprised to see him. She was even more surprised when he asked to see Grace. Her mother could not believe that he didn’t know. She did not realise they had not been in contact. Grace had left a month ago. Over the previous five or six months she had become increasingly withdrawn, and spent hours and hours just playing her violin or drawing.

  About a year before she had received an invitation to go and continue her music studies in New York, but she had turned it down because she was waiting for Joel to finish and come home to her. Suddenly though, three months ago she had announced that she was going. It was one step closer to Carnegie Hall and making her dream come true. Joel felt an amazing sense of pride for her; she was getting there. It was within her reach. Nevertheless, he was devastated that she had not told him. Even more so that she had not said goodbye. He asked if he could sit in her room. He just wanted to be surrounded by her things, to feel close to her. Her mother agreed and Joel went through and sat on her bed. Her mom closed the door and left him alone.

  He looked around the room, the memories of their childhood and friendship flooding his heart and bursting it, tears streamed down his cheeks. He picked up her heart shaped cushion – he had given it to her one Valentine’s Day – and something caught his eye. A photograph. He picked it up and froze in horror. It was a picture of him and Dana. She was behind him with her arms around his waist. He remembered that moment but not that a picture had been taken. He had been walking across the park towards his dorm block and she had sneaked up behind him and surprised him. Who had taken the picture? More importantly, why did Grace have it?

  Something gripped at his chest and turned his stomach to knots. He turned the picture over and almost collapsed when he read the words: You may have been his childhood sweetheart, but now he realises he wants a real woman. Don’t be fooled by his guilt-ridden letters to you. He feels he owes you. Just let him go. He is mine now. He could not breathe. He was sure he was dreaming – a nightmare. Dana would not do this to him. They were friends. She was his confidante. He had trusted her, thought she genuinely cared. Now he had lost Grace.

  He burst out of the room and ran to her mother. He showed her the picture and swore it wasn’t true. She was as shocked as he was, she had not seen the picture before, and Grace had not told her anything. She believed Joel, she had known him most of his life and she knew how much he loved Grace. She had not agreed with Grace when she had told her that she didn’t want to see him until he had finished studying. She told Joel to calm down. She would get in touch with Grace and explain to her. She would reason with her and get her to contact him and hear his side of the story. She told him not to worry. She knew her daughter loved him.

  Nevertheless, it was hard not to worry. He felt like such a fool. He should never have agreed for them not to have contact for so long. He should have been persistent, should have constantly reminded her that she was the only one for him. He went back to campus feeling empty and lost. He exploded when he saw Dana and told her to stay as far away from him as possible. She saw how angry he was and knew it was hopeless even to attempt to make him understand what she had done. It was not long and she had moved on to someone else.

  He wrote to Grace’s mom and waited anxiously for her response. Eventually it came. Grace believed him, but she had been through so much pain over that photograph and realised she needed to find herself before she could see him again. All she had ever known was her and Joel. She didn’t know who she was without him, and now she needed to explore that. She was going to stay in New York and was performing with a large orchestra now. Each step she took in her music career was one step closer to realising her dream. She promised she would write to him when she was ready. Joel replied that he would respect that, but he would never give up on her or their love. He knew with all his heart that they were meant to be. He signed off as always ‘no matter what.’

  He was now in his final year of study. He decided to make peace with the situation with Grace and give all of himself to his studies. He had a bit more free time as well and so he got involved with a local craftsman and began building the boat he had always dreamed of building. He spent many hours sawing and hammering and sanding. Pouring the love he held for Grace into crafting his sailboat. He started to feel that old forgotten wa
nderlust that had been with him since his childhood. He had been so gripped by his pain and turmoil over Grace that he had forgotten his own dream and now it was stirring from somewhere deep inside. The ocean called to him, faraway lands begged to be explored. The throbbing of his own heart as he imagined his adventures beat a climactic rhythm, drawing him deeper and deeper into the dream realm until nothing else mattered but finishing his boat and setting sail for the horizon.

  The next spring full moon arrived, but he knew it was Grace’s turn and so he decided not to go home this year. He was preparing for his final exams and his boat still needed a lot of work.

  He breezed through his exams and finally, after many years of hard work and sacrifice, was awarded his Master’s degree as a marine biologist. He organised to have his boat transported back to his home town where he could take some much deserved time off from everything and just focus on his boat. He moved into his parents’ cabin at the sea and erected a boathouse where he could continue constructing his boat. He signed up for sailing lessons and soon got his licence.

  He also met another young sailor, Simon, who was eager for adventure but didn’t have his own boat or a crew to join. They decided that they would plan a trip together. They would use Joel’s boat when it was complete and Simon would contribute funding for food and supplies. They planned to leave at the beginning of summer so that they would have pleasant weather for at least three months at sea. They worked on the boat together and attended any courses they could find to prepare them for an extended period at sea.

  Spring full moon arrived and Joel felt drawn to honour the ritual established so many years ago. He was now twenty-six years old, but the childhood promise was still a force within him that he could not deny. It had been three years since he had last seen Grace. That night, he laid a picnic blanket beneath the tree, lay on his back, closed his eyes and just let all the memories flood him.

  When he opened his eyes he felt he had stepped through a mythical orb because Grace stood above him, staring softly into his face. She smiled shyly as disbelief morphed into elation and then back to shock and finally love across Joel’s face. He got up quickly and stood staring at her, words refusing to form. She had taken his hand in hers and stepped slowly into his arms, wrapping hers around him. Time stood still and the years evaporated as they saw each other again for the first time. Nothing forgotten, no emotion lost. They stood there quietly, arms wrapped around each other, silently, for what seemed like eternity. Neither wanted to break contact or say anything that may have ruined the moment. There were no words. Anything said would have been hollow compared to the sparks flickering between them and all around, their breaths fanning the sparks into the giant flames of love and passion they had been denying for so long.

  Joel picked her up and carried her to his car. He drove her back to his cabin, neither of them saying a word, just melting into each other as they got through the door, just loving each other with honesty and absolute surrender to each other and their love that had no space for words or explanation or thought.

  When they woke in the morning, they lay entwined together, the fear of separation after just finding each other again causing them to cling to each other throughout the night in their sweet sleep. Grace woke first. She buried her face in the curve of Joel’s neck and curled her fingers through his. He roused, turned slightly, and brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed her fingertips gently. They stayed there the whole morning, neither wanting to leave the other’s side for a moment in case breaking contact would whisk them away from each other again. It had been so long, but the fire between them burned as brightly as it had the last time they had seen each other. It was as if they had never been apart. Eventually they got up and went for a walk on the beach together, as they had done so many times before in the past. They talked, and laughed, and caught up on each other’s lives of the past few years. Joel told her all about his studies and his thesis on how the giant blue whale could survive on tiny plankton. Grace told him all about her travels and her experience playing with the orchestra. They briefly discussed Dana and the misunderstanding between them over her conniving prank.

  The sun began to set and they found their favourite dune perch to watch it dip into the ocean. There was an air of expectancy between them. Each had something to tell the other that they couldn’t quite find the words to say. They both had uncertainties about what came next after finding each other again.

  Grace broke the tension. She apologised to Joel for not wanting to see him those last few years. She realised a lot of heartache and misunderstanding could have been avoided if she had just kept her usual cool grasp of the situation. Having said that, she felt that the time away had allowed her the focus she had needed to find who she was as an individual – someone other than her parents’ daughter, or Joel’s girlfriend. She had needed to meet Grace alone and independent. She also had a surprise. Her dream had come true – she had performed at Carnegie Hall, a month ago. This was why she had returned. Her goal had been accomplished and now all she wanted was to be with Joel and honour the promise she had made all those years ago. She knew who she was and had no other rainbows to chase other than her love for Joel.

  Joel sat quietly, head bowed over hers, throughout her explanations. She was sitting in front of him with her back against his chest, and so she had not noticed his expressions and the deep sadness that shadowed his face. When she looked up at him she saw his eyes were filled with tears and fear gripped her heart. She knew whatever he said was not going to be what she had hoped to hear. She had dreamed of this moment, when they were finished with their studies and could be together. Joel held her and told her how he too had dreamed of this moment. He went on to explain that he had finally made himself accept that she was gone and that he had to move on. He explained how he had attempted to do so by building his boat, and now, how he had committed to sailing the world with Simon and all that they had both invested. He so wished he could sail the world with her, but this trip had already been planned and finalised and as it was his boat’s maiden voyage, he would never put her at risk by taking her with on this arduous trip. He would leave in three months, at the start of summer.

  Again, the anguish erupted, spewing the scalding lava of heartache over their souls and darkening their sky with ashes of despair. Grace understood but that didn’t take the hurt away. She had just found him again, and was about to lose him again. He told her it was only for three months; that he would be back for her in no time. This time they agreed they would spend every moment together that they had until he left.

  Chapter Seven

  The next three months were a rollercoaster of emotions. They experienced great highs in their moments together, but the briefest separations sent them into the depths of panic and foreboding. Grace noticed the change in Joel since the last time she saw him. She saw that fire that had burned in him his whole life that he had tempered for her. She knew she would never stand in his way of living his dream – she had already lived hers – but she was terrified. She did not know if she could stand watching him walk out of her life again, but she knew she had no choice.

  The day of departure arrived and Grace met Joel and Simon at the harbour. They were securing their supplies and checking their emergency equipment, chatting with fellow sailors here and running about organising there. There were two other boats heading out with them, they would sail out of the harbour until the village was just a horizon and then they would part ways. Joel and Simon were heading north first, towards the Mediterranean, while the other two had Madagascar in mind as their destination.

  A large sheet covered the hull and Joel told Grace that he had a surprise for her. His boat had not yet been christened – he had given her a name, but he wanted Grace to break the bottle of champagne and make it official before they set sail. He handed her the bottle, and then pulled on the rope to release the sheet. Grace gasped as she read the boat’s name: Amazing Grace. She ran into his arms and held on with all she had until
it was time to say goodbye.

  As Joel sailed out of the harbour Grace stood and waved, when he was around the bend and out of sight, she ran down to the beach, tears streaming down her cheeks and almost blinding her. She stood on the beach and watched him sail towards the horizon. The man she loved sailing out of her life. She walked into the sea, wanting to be drenched in the same waters that were carrying her heart away from her and she had a powerful realisation. The power and beauty of the sea were in its freedom. If she wanted to enjoy it, she needed to meet it in its element. She could try to take some of it away with her, in a jar, or a bucket, or fill a swimming pool – but it would be just water - and water that was of no use or sustenance. Its very nature would be altered and its power lost. No, if she wanted the sea, she had to go into it. Either it could leave her refreshed and invigorated, or it could toss her wildly. That was the chance she would need to take. And would take – every moment for as long as she breathed – she would love Joel.

  Grace waited patiently. After three months she began running down to the beach every afternoon hoping to see Joel sailing back into the harbour. After two weeks of this, and no sign of Joel, she started to feel a little anxious. Another two weeks passed, and she told herself not to worry. It had been a planned adventure, but she was sure there were many exciting things to see and so they were probably delayed. Joel would come back to her. He would never abandon her. Another month passed and something started to scratch away at her logical thought patterns. She had taken up teaching music to the local primary school children to keep herself occupied until Joel returned.