Sisters of the Heart - 03 - Forgiven

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  No, he’d have to quit his job and find something else.

  But then would he be happy? And what about all the time and work he’d put into things? “I wish I was more like you, you know.”

  Eli looked taken aback. “Never wish that. You are the smartest man I know.”

  Sam felt humbled by Eli’s honesty. He knew his brother didn’t speak those words lightly. He, like their parents, had valued Sam’s desire to further his education. “I might be book smart, but you are far smarter in the ways of the world.”

  “I’m only trying to do what is best today and leave the rest up to God. He’ll guide me—and you, too, if you let him, Sam.”

  “I’m trying.”

  Eli started heading back to the house, pausing before he stepped in the door. “I think you need to talk to the Lord more than me. Stop, Samuel. Stop rushing and planning and doing and driving. Stop and pray and listen.”

  When had been the last time he’d prayed for longer than a minute or two? When had been the last time he’d sat in silence and used the time to contemplate his wants and needs and what the Lord wanted him to do?

  In a daze, Sam wandered back into the house to his mother’s Sitzschtupp and stood still for a moment, just taking time to look around. The walls were freshly painted a creamy white. An oak plaque decorated the area above the fireplace, listing his parents’ marriage and each child’s birth. On the opposite wall a large quilt hung. Its vibrant red, blue, and black triangles never failed to catch his eye and imagination.

  To his dismay, Sam now realized yet another reason why the Amish didn’t have televisions and radios and computers. All that noise and business was distracting.

  Slowly, Sam relaxed against the smooth wooden back of the shokkel shtool, the rocking chair that rested to the right of the fireplace, and closed his eyes.

  Please Lord, he prayed. Please help me find myself.

  And though he never talked about it much, moving away from his home and community had been trying. Though he still found solace in the scriptures and privately held fast to his prayers and his personal relationship with the Lord, many other activities in his life had taken some adjusting to.

  And, for better or worse, he had also celebrated them. He liked taking advantage of modern conveniences. Sometimes he thought he wouldn’t be able to get through his day without his cell phone, yet alone his computer. If he left all that, he would be forced to give it up.

  He’d also be putting a barrier in between himself and the outside world again. Oh, sure, he would keep his friendships, but he knew in his heart that they’d all soon drift apart. It was only natural to do so. They’d have different interests.

  And then there was his education and his love of learning. Would he ever be able to turn his back on that? It seemed like it would be difficult to face himself or the Lord if he did that. Hadn’t the Lord given him a wonderful mind to put to good use? Wouldn’t it be a mistake to ignore his gifts?

  He wasn’t sure.

  “Lord, I’m feeling afraid,” he said aloud. Finally daring to admit what was in his heart. “I’m afraid to hope for a future with Winnie. I’m afraid to ask her to leave the order. I’m afraid to give up my current way of life.”

  Worse, Sam distrusted this new surge of emotions he was feeling. He’d become used to knowing what he believed and walking forward. He felt four years old again. In his sturdy brother’s shadow, he sometimes felt as if he would never measure up. How could he, really? Eli always made the right thing look so easy.

  He’d happily settled into the farming way of life as did their parents and grandparents. While not perfect, Eli had always seemed determined to do his best—and most of the time, that was certainly good enough.

  Sam, on the other hand, had always somehow managed to fight his expectations. He still was struggling with doubts.

  He was startled from his trance by Caleb. He rushed into the Sitzschtupp with a flurry of motion, like he always did, but this time it didn’t seem to be his usual restless spirit guiding him. His eyes were red, like he’d been trying not to cry. Obviously hearing Caleb’s clunky steps, Eli rushed in, too.

  “Sam? Eli?”

  “Caleb, what is it?” Sam asked.

  “I need help from both of you.”

  Eli set his open palm on their younger brother’s shoulder. “Of course. Sit down and we’ll talk.”

  Sam vaguely recalled how their mother had always offered them a hot drink when they were upset. “Do you want some hot chocolate?” Eli snapped to face him, his look conveying his confusion. Sam simply shrugged. “Anything at all?”

  Caleb shook his head. “I just need you both to listen.”

  “That’s what we’re doin’,” Eli said.

  Caleb raised a hand. “I mean to say…would ya hear me out before saying anything? I need to talk and be heard, not lectured.”

  Sam let Eli take the lead. And, as usual, he did not disappoint. Eli said, “Now what is it? Are you still worried about the fire and your friend?”

  Sam liked how Eli deliberately didn’t try to push Caleb.

  Caleb nodded. “When we talked, I didn’t want to tell you any names. I told you and I told myself it was because I trusted my friend—and I only wanted the person who needed to know to know. But now I’m starting to wonder if I’d made the wrong decision.”

  Sam looked at Eli, who shrugged. “That’s a very important change. What brought it on?”

  “When I spoke with Jonathan, his manner reminded me of our daed.” He looked at both Sam and Eli. “You know how Daed doesna say much but you know he always listens? How no matter what he loves us and cares?”

  Sam nodded. That description fit their father well. “Yes?”

  “Jonathan’s manner reminded me of how different my friend’s father is. He’s verra different. My friend never talks that way about his parents. He’s afraid to make mistakes. He’s afraid to talk to his daed. And now, I’m afraid to talk to him because I told on him.” Their brother’s eyes filled with tears again. “Now he has nobody.”

  A dozen thoughts filled Sam’s head. There was no simple answer to ease Caleb’s worries. But when he looked toward Eli, Sam relaxed. As usual, Eli didn’t look flustered at all. Instead, he was patting Caleb’s slender shoulders.

  Then Eli spoke. “Let’s pretend no one ever cared about who started the fire. What would you think then? Would keeping the secret be okay?”

  “I don’t know. It feels like a terribly hard burden.”

  “Did you chat with the Lord and ask for His help?”

  “No.”

  “You might want to consider doing that, Caleb. Sam and I were just talking about how much He helps us…when we admit we’re only mortal,” Eli said.

  Eyes wide, Caleb turned to Sam. “Praying helped you?”

  “More than I can put into words,” Sam said.

  Eli winked. “That is sayin’ something, wouldn’t you agree? Our brother always seems to have words on his tongue I don’t understand.” Squeezing Caleb’s shoulder, he said, “This time, I don’t know how to advise you. I think you did the right thing. Lying and pretending you don’t know something won’t make problems disappear.”

  “But what happens when my friend finds out I told? He’s going to be so mad.”

  “I guess he’ll either be mad at you or will let you try and explain your reasons. Either way, know that I’m proud of you.”

  Caleb blinked. “You are? After everything I told you?”

  “Of course. You’re my brother.”

  Warily Caleb looked to Sam. In the pit of his stomach, Sam felt the same way. “I love you and am proud of you, too.” Taking a risk, he said, “Caleb, at the moment, you and I are facing some big problems—too big to face by ourselves. I’ve been wondering where I belong. You’ve been wondering who to side with. We need to not forget that the Lord is always with us. We need to involve Him in our worries and fears. If we offer ourselves, He will help.”

  “You think?”r />
  “I know.” With a smile, Sam waved a hand. “God provided us with each other, yes? I don’t think that was happenstance.”

  Later that night, after Eli and Caleb had gone to bed and he only had the cool evening for company, Sam reflected on how peaceful he had felt advising and being advised by his family. It was something he hadn’t truly experienced in years. And he missed it.

  He knew without a doubt that the Lord had been at his side, guiding him. Caleb needed him, and Eli was offering his support and opening up to him. He felt as if he’d just stepped into where he needed to be, for the first time in years.

  Suddenly, all of the doubts he’d held on to about his place in the world became clear as day. This was where he belonged. Their tight-knit community, with all the friendships and gossip and worries, was as much a part of him as the hair on his head. He’d been a fool to try and distance himself from that.

  It was time to return to his family and to his community. Now he just had to find a place to fit in.

  He decided to wait to speak to Winnie about his new revelations until things had gotten organized. No sense in worrying her until he could offer her a future.

  But oh, he was looking forward to a future with Winnie. For the first time in a long time, everything felt right.

  Chapter 16

  After tossing and turning for hours, Winnie gave up sleeping. She put on her robe and slippers then carefully hobbled down the hall by the light of the moon still resting high in the nighttime sky. Oh, but it did feel freeing to only need one crutch.

  With a few well-placed rests and a sturdy oak banister for support, Winnie left the stuffy confines of the house and found refuge in the cool comfort of the front porch. Instead of choosing a rocking chair, she claimed the top step, just as she had for what seemed all her life. It was her favorite spot to find solace.

  And that was what she most definitely needed at the moment. Her thoughts were too chilling and worrisome. She’d fallen in love with a man she didn’t want to love. Well, with a man she was afraid to love.

  She didn’t know what to do. So she did what her mother had taught her, so many years ago. She prayed.

  Closing her eyes, she said the Lord’s Prayer, spoken from her heart, each verse speaking to her soul. Though sprawling fields reminded Winnie that she was only one of God’s creatures in the vast world, she still felt as if He was listening for her.

  “Dear God, help me know your will,” she whispered into the still, starry sky. “I feel so alone and confused.”

  Asking God’s will was really all Winnie felt she could do anymore. After all, the last few weeks had most definitely been in the Lord’s hands. She could not think of another explanation for why she was led to Sam—a man she’d not spent much time with until recently.

  And the Lord had most definitely seen to it that they’d meet. She and Jonathan had both remarked how odd it was that she had been the one to break her foot and sustain burns when he’d been in and out of the burning barn so many times.

  The hospital was near where Samuel worked. And because Sam’s brother Eli was good friends with Jonathan, Samuel had felt honor-bound to visit her.

  A nonbeliever might have called that a coincidence, but it was too much of a coincidence for her. No, God had meant for her and Sam to cross paths once again.

  Winnie just wasn’t sure why.

  Was it to strengthen her faith? To give her a trial like so many women and men in the Bible?

  If that was His will, well, Winnie had to say that she was sorely disappointed. She already did love the Lord and intentionally sought His guidance on a daily basis.

  The recent turn of events felt like a cruel joke.

  “Lord, I know I’m Amish. I love my family. I love my dear nieces. But I know I’ve fallen in love with Sam, too. I don’t understand why You brought us together when You knew that love would be wrong.”

  As her words flew into the air and seemed to dissipate the moment she said them, Winnie closed her eyes and tried to listen to a reply.

  But—as she was afraid would happen—no reply seemed to be forthcoming. Frustrated, she spoke again. “What do you want for me to do? Leave everything I know and love?”

  A dawning awareness flew through her. Was that His will? That she leave the order, too?

  Perhaps Samuel needed an Amish wife in an English world. He needed her values and their common ways.

  Plus, it wasn’t like he’d strayed too, too far from their way of life. Yes, he had adopted many English ways, but he still believed in their sense of community, their faith, and their rules, despite bending a few of them.

  Yes, that had to be it. She and Sam hadn’t met again so he would leave all his accomplishments and join her. No, they met so that she could be his partner and helpmate. So she could be the person who knew and understood him in a community where so many did not.

  The thought of shouldering that responsibility scared her. She didn’t know if she was ready to leave everything she’d known to be with Samuel.

  As the cool night air fanned her face, Winnie reflected some more. Perhaps leaving her own kind to be with Samuel was what love was? Didn’t love mean putting another’s needs before your own?

  In her other relationships with friends and family, she’d always been the type of woman who noticed what wasn’t right, noticed qualities in other people that she wished could be changed. She noticed flaws in appearances and flaws in character. Katie had commented more than once that her outspoken ways sometimes hurt people’s feelings.

  She’d certainly had a time with Malcolm’s absentminded ways toward her. She hadn’t liked being taken for granted. Hadn’t liked not being appreciated.

  Now that she was wiser, Winnie knew she’d been realizing that Malcolm hadn’t loved her any more than she’d loved him. In each other’s company, it had been necessary to think about other things and other people, because what they had was never special at all.

  With Sam it was different. From the time she’d seen him in the hospital, he’d struck her fancy. She’d thought about him for hours. She imagined what future conversations would be like and reviewed what past conversations had included.

  And though things weren’t always wonderful between them, they were exciting. And she appreciated their differences. Yes, she accepted Samuel Miller just the way he was. And she was grateful when he accepted her that way, too.

  She was in love, and was willing to do whatever it took to be with the person she loved. She’d waited too long to find this. At the moment, it meant accepting that he needed to be with the English. That his students and his research were important to him. She could make sacrifices for him, then.

  Standing up, Winnie felt almost joyous. Despite the fact that she still had to convince him that marriage was the right path for them. But she now knew she was willing to make this sacrifice for him.

  Though it would fair break her heart.

  Because, she realized as she opened the door and stepped inside the house, while Samuel had left with his family’s blessing, she would not be seeing the same acceptance.

  He’d left before he’d taken the vows of the Amish faith. Before he’d joined the church. She would be leaving after.

  It made all the difference in the world. He had been loved and always accepted.

  She would be shunned.

  Suddenly, it felt as if everything was crashing down once again.

  As tears pricked her eyes, Winnie limped to her room. “Oh, dear Lord, You certainly know how to bend us to your will, don’tcha? I hope You will not leave me. I have a feeling I am about to need You more than ever. Please stay with me, no matter where I am. No matter who I am. Please know that I only want to follow Your will, and I want to honor You by being the best woman I can be. At the moment, I really do believe that the best thing for me is to be with Sam.”

  There was no turning back. She was frightened and nervous of her decision, but also felt curiously lighter. Even if nothing ever happened betw
een her and Samuel, at least she knew that she’d prayed about her feelings and her actions, and felt at peace with her decisions.

  Now that the decision was made, everything seemed almost easy. The first thing Sam did was speak to Bishop Kropfs.

  After discussing things for quite some time, the bishop sat back and stared at him boldly. “Samuel, are you sure about this? You seem to be making these decisions hastily.”

  “I would agree that to most, these decisions do seem rushed. But I have prayed long and hard about them. And I’m seeking your guidance as well.”

  “If you leave your life at the college, what are you going to do?”

  “I’m hoping to do two things. I’d like to buy some of the land that’s adjacent to the family farm and use some of the methods I’ve been teaching about to increase crop productivity, but I’d also still like to teach some, too.”

  Bishop Kropfs’s brow rose. “Teach who?”

  “I’d like to offer farmers in the community some training. And, if you don’t mind, I’d like to still teach at the college. Not on a daily basis, but perhaps as a guest lector a few times a year.”

  “That has a nice ring to it, I’m thinking. And if it’s only every now and then, perhaps it won’t be too difficult to manage,” the bishop added, obviously warming up to the idea. “You could hire a driver, I suppose.”

  Sam figured relying on other people to get him around might be the hardest adjustment of all. He’d have to learn to depend on others. “I would like to be able to continue teaching. But, I’m also willing to listen to your advice. And, I’m wondering if you all will be able to forgive me for leaving.”

  “Forgive you for what?”

  “For leaving the faith. For trying things out on my own.”

  “There’s no shame in that, Samuel. Everyone has to step out and experience things. We’re proud of you. I promise you that. We will discuss this and do some praying, too.” He looked up. “I must say I’m surprised. I thought you were happy with how things were.”

  Sam chose his words carefully. “I was happy. And, I think I could be happy there for the rest of my life. But lately I’ve been starting to realize that just having a good career wasn’t enough. I need all of me to be fulfilled. Only by marrying in my faith and living my life the way I grew up will give me the sense of peace I’ve been yearning for.”