by Joanna Blake
The walls came crashing in on me. She was gone. She’d really left. That innocent, beautiful girl was out there alone somewhere, with no one to help her or protect her.
And it was all my fucking fault.
I thought I’d hit bottom ten minutes ago when I realized what an idiot I was. An idiot and a cold-hearted bastard who had mistreated the most important person in the world to me.
But I hadn’t believed for an instant that I’d truly lost her.
Not until now.
Tabby
I drove all night. The pain wouldn’t let me stop. My pride wouldn’t either.
It was safer this way.
I had to get far away so that I wouldn’t go crawling back. Wouldn’t demean myself by taking what scraps Gabe offered me. Wouldn’t let him have me without loving me.
Because even now, I was tempted to.
The things he could do to me with his body… the way he made me feel. There was nothing like it. The pleasure had eclipsed all my doubts and opened my heart.
I wanted it still. I craved it.
Even though it had almost destroyed me.
I fought back tears, realizing I could still feel him inside me. It was already a few days and it was like it had just happened. It was so fresh.
It was around dawn when I crossed the state line into Maryland. My eyes were blurry and my head hurt. Even my hands were tired from gripping the wheel.
But as I watched the sun come up over the bay, I let myself relax. I was far enough now. I had severed every single thing that connected me to home.
I never had to go back. I had no reason to go back now.
I winced, my thoughts immediately on Gabe. Missing him. Wondering how he was. If he was taking his vitamins. Doing his exercises.
If he was overdoing it.
Or if he was with someone else yet.
It wasn’t my problem now. I mentally wished him the best in his recovery and tried to shut the door on any thoughts of him. But as I sat there in the rental truck, parked in a rest stop, I couldn’t help but wonder how things had come to this.
I had resisted checking my phone, knowing I would be crushed if he hadn’t called me. Or, even worse, if he had spewed more of his cruel accusations.
So I hadn’t looked at it at all. Which was a good thing, since I’d been focused on the road instead.
I exhaled and reached into my bag, slowly pulling out my phone. It was on silent, for safer driving. I didn’t need to be distracted.
Plus, the only people on Earth who cared about me anymore all knew I was on the road. I smiled ruefully. Thank goodness for friends and social misfits.
But my phone wasn’t blank. I had missed calls and messages. Lots and lots of messages. All from Gabe.
Well, shit.
My heart thudded in my chest as I flipped through them, chewing on my lip. Gabe was demanding to see me. He said he needed to talk to me. His messages got increasingly aggressive and desperate sounding.
He didn’t seem mad at me anymore though. He seemed upset. I stared at the phone, reading the messages over and over again.
Where are you
I need to talk
I’m an idiot
Then an hour after that:
Please baby. Let me know you are alright. Let me know you don’t hate me.
Then another hour later there was more:
I’m going out of my head Tabby. I got so jealous, I didn’t think. I swear to you it will never happen again.
And then just a few minutes ago:
Dammit Tabby get your ass back here! Where the hell are you? You cant just go running off because we had a fight!
I gripped the phone tightly. A fight? He called accusing me of cheating on him a fight?
I pecked out a response, too angry to give a damn.
You have a lot of nerve Gabe Jackson. Go to hell.
I resisted the urge to tell him to take his medicine. It was hard, but I held back. I was proud of myself. He wrote back immediately. Jeez, it was six am. He must have been staring at his phone.
Where are you. Come home now.
No. You can’t tell me what to do.
Yes I can! You’re my girlfriend dammit! You can’t just leave town!
I’m not your girlfriend, remember?
Yes you fucking are.
You wanted me to prove to you that I could be trusted.
I didn’t mean it Tabby. Please come back. I’m an idiot.
I love you.
No. I can’t. I can’t be with someone who thinks that I’m- well, you know what you thought.
I chewed my lip for a minute and then gave in to temptation.
Take care of yourself. And take your medicine!
Goodbye.
Then I quickly turned my phone off before I could cave in. Gabe was confusing me. He kept saying sweet things mixed in with all the stupid things.
Like that I was still his girlfriend.
That he’d messed up. That he still loved me.
I felt my heart swell up with joy when I read that. He still loved me. It was all a mistake.
But I had to resist. I couldn’t let him mix me up like that. I’d given him the power to break my heart, and he’d done it.
It had taken him less than a month to prove to me that I’d been right to fear him. To fear his power over me.
All the same, I felt the urge to turn around and drive all the way back to him.
Just to feel his big strong arms around me one more time.
I had felt weak, but he didn’t have to know that. In fact, I thought I’d done pretty well for myself. I’d stood up for myself for once.
Plus, telling him off had done one very important thing. After three days, it had finally made me stop crying.
I nodded to Petunia in her cat case and started the car again.
“Gabe Jackson can go right to hell!”
Gabe
She was okay.
Tabby was safe. That’s what mattered. But I was still shit out of luck.
I stared at the phone in stunned disbelief. I hadn’t expected her to fall into my arms and forgive me exactly but I hadn’t expected this either!
She had told me off! The sweet, loving woman who’d given me her virginity had actually told me to go to hell.
She’d more or less broken up with me and then gone dark.
And now she was ignoring my texts. True, the way she’d signed off had been adorable. It was typical Tabitha. Worrying and sweet and scolding all at once.
But she’d told me goodbye at the end. Told me to take care. It sounded so final.
Well, I was not having it. Not for one more minute. She was mine dammit! I had screwed up but I apologized. It didn’t have to mess up the rest of our lives!
Tabby!
Dammit woman, do not disappear on me like that!
I love you dammit!
I waited but she was gone. I could almost guarantee she had turned the phone off. Well, this was getting me nowhere. I cursed and threw my phone across the room.
I had no idea where she was and that drove me nuts.
Worse than that, I knew she considered herself single. I felt a sickening wave of jealousy come crashing over me. I’d pushed her away and now she was out there, beautiful and vulnerable and alone.
Maybe she was too upset to say no to a handsome stranger who wanted to take care of her.
Maybe another guy would snatch her up, protect her, love her.
Maybe another guy would prove himself worthy.
I held my head in my hands. I had to do something to get her back. I had to at least try and get her to believe that I loved her.
She could be anywhere though.
And I had no way of finding her.
Or did I? I rubbed my eyes. I had been trying to sober up since yesterday and the lack of sleep wasn’t helping me think straight.
I had to focus.
I furrowed my brow and realized I had an ‘in.’ My men. It was hard as hell to get in t
ouch with them when they were at sea, but if they were on base…
I sent out a message request to Hobbs. He was the one who was always hogging the damn lines so I figured he would see it first.
Plus, it was his ass I’d saved when I pushed him down on the deck.
I got a message back about twenty minutes later. We opened a chat window and there he was, just like old times. Even in chat he seemed loud.
Torp!!! What’s the good word man?
I wanted to see how you assholes were doing without me.
We cry ourselves to sleep every night.
I bet. How’s the ship?
Good as new. Not as shiny without you. No elbow grease. New CO’s a lightweight.
I grinned. I had been kind of a hard ass about shit like that. It was good to know I was missed.
Can I do anything for you, Torp?
Yeah, I need recon. Can you get me the 411 on a missing person?
Who’s missing?
My woman. We had a fight and she took off. I need to find her.
Say no more. You got a general vicinity?
No, just a cell phone. And where she rented a truck.
Hit me up and I’ll get back to you at 0:800.
Your time or mine?
Yours.
Thanks man I owe you one.
No way Torp. You took a hit for me. Plus I always thought you had pretty eyes.
I laughed. He really was a cut up.
Tell the guys I say hi.
Will do.
I signed off, wondering why I hadn’t done this sooner. I missed the hell out of the crew but we had only talked a handful of times. In a way I’d been running away from the reality of my situation. That I was really out of the service for good.
That I was a different man now. I’d changed. From the accident, sure. But more than that, Tabby had changed me.
Even if I walked again without assistance, I was different. And I was out of uniform for good.
Tabby had made me a man in a way I had never realized was possible. A man who looked after what was his. A protector.
I wanted to be more than an officer now. I wanted to be a husband and hopefully a father.
It was taking some getting used to. But I felt a lightness in my chest. I had missed talking to my crew way too nuch. And they were going to help me find Tabby.
I knew they wouldn’t fail me.
I finally crashed for the first time in days.
Tabby
I checked my phone again when I woke up in the dingy motel. The bed was uncomfortable and looked gross, so I slept on top with a towel as a blanket and my jacket balled up under my head.
But I slept, and that’s what mattered.
I got myself a cup of coffee in the diner next door and checked my phone.
Gabe had messaged me a few times right after I hung up that morning, but nothing since then. He had told me he loved me though. A couple of times.
I wanted to believe him. But could I? How could he love me, and then not, and then love me again?
I shoved my phone in my purse and got busy loading the van and making sure Petunia was comfortable. She’s spent the night in the motel bathroom and was none too happy with me.
But fresh ripped up newspapers in her litter bin and a whole can of turkey and salmon flavored wet food seemed to cheer her up again.
“I promise we’ll find a good spot soon. I’ll make sure there’s a nice big window with lots of birds to look at.”
She ignored me, slurping up the canned food like a vacuum. I scratched her head.
“Silly creature.”
I turned the ignition and searched for a good radio station. A pop song came on that we used to dance to all the time in high school. Not that I’d ever danced in public, but in Jackie’s bedroom it had been a regular night club for two.
I checked the map again and pulled into traffic. I was one day closer to the next phase of my life. Wherever that may be.
“Let’s do this.”
Gabe
“Gabe?”
I heard my mother’s voice and opened my eyes. Shit! I must have fallen more deeply asleep that I planned. I immediately grabbed my phone to check the time.
Phew, I still had an hour before the rendezvous with Hobbs.
“You alright hon? You slept through the doorbell.”
“Yeah, sorry mom.”
“There’s some things that came for you. I wasn’t sure what to do with them.”
“What is it?”
“Well, there’s this.” She handed me an envelope with Tabby’s handwriting. “And there’s some boxes from Bloomingdales. They have Tabby’s name on them.”
I felt dread pound in my belly as I opened up the envelope.
The car keys fell out into my hand.
I knew she had rented something to move but I’d hoped she had just attached a rental trailer to the SUV. If she had the car it would mean there was still a chance.
A chance she was thinking about me.
And it only got worse. She’d rejected my gifts as well. They must have arrived just after we had our fight.
I grimaced, imagining how well that had gone down.
I stared at the boxes as my mother stacked them by the breakfast bar in the rec room. I would find a way to get them to her. I wanted her to have nice new clothes, even if she hated me.
Even if she wore them for someone else.
I loved her that much. Almost losing her was making it obvious how deep that love went. All the way down to the fucking bedrock.
I’d already knew I was head over heels in love when I ordered all that stuff. Then I’d let some idiot ruin everything. I wanted to smash Josh in the face, and all of his buddies for egging him on.
But I couldn’t blame them for everything.
I was the worst offender of all. I knew what a good person Tabby was. I knew she was better than that. Even if she hadn’t been a virgin, she wouldn’t have cheated on me.
She just wouldn’t. I knew it in my gut. I’d always known it.
My jealousy had gotten the best of me. I’d been so afraid that she’d played me. That I’d given her my heart and that she would smash it.
Instead, I’d smashed hers.
I groaned and closed my eyes, closing my fingers over the keys. I wasn’t giving the car back to Lyle. I was going to find Tabby and make her take it.
Even if it was just to say goodbye.
My laptop beeped and I perked up. Maybe, just maybe, I’d have a chance to tell her how much I loved her in person.
Maybe she’d believe me.
Maybe she’d take me back.
I opened up the secure link and waited.
Tabby
Bang bang bang bang!
I sat up, looking around in confusion. For a minute I didn’t know where I was. Then I remembered.
I was in another cheap motel, in another town, in another state.
I’d run away from my problems. Run away from Gabe. I still felt a sharp stab of pain every time I thought of him. And since I was pretty much always thinking about him, that pain was constant.
I’d lost track of how far I’d come. But I was getting a lot closer to a place to land, at least for a little bit.
I was pretty sure I was in North Carolina already… It had been dark when I pulled in. I was looking forward to driving in the sun today.
But it wasn’t daylight. It was still dark out. In fact, I had no idea how late it was or how long I’d been asleep.
My hair was in my eyes as I made my way across the room. I was about to open the door when I realized a few things:
It was late at night
I was a woman alone in the middle of nowhere
There was no reason for anyone to be banging on my door
No good reason anyway.
I approached the door slowly, tiptoeing so whoever was outside wouldn’t hear me. I stood as tall as I could to see out the peephole.
A man stood outside. He was big and tall. A
nd even from the back he looked pissed. He turned and my stomach dropped.
“Gabe?”
His head swiveled towards the door and he leaned both arms against it. He stared at the peephole, a determined look on his achingly handsome face.
“Open the door Tabitha.”
I stared in shock at the wild look in his eyes. He looked crazed. He looked desperate.
He looked kinda mean, too.
“What are you doing here, Gabe?”
“Open. The. Door.”
I swallowed and put the chain on, trying to gather my thoughts. Then I opened the door a crack. His eyes flared at the sight of me. Then he saw the chain.
He pushed on the door a little.
“Tabby…”
“What do you want?”
“You know what I want Tabby… let me in.”
The heat in his gaze was unmistakable. He wanted me. He wanted sex.
I felt an answering thrill in my center. But I couldn’t just give in to him. He’d been a real bastard. And if he wanted to use me to get off again, forget it.
It didn’t matter how strong our chemistry was. I just had to fight my urges. And his.
“I’m not your blow up toy, Gabe. You can’t just throw me away and take me out when you want a little fun.”
The muscle in his jaw ticked but he didn’t move otherwise.
“I want a lot more than a little fun and you know it.”
I stared at him. He stared back.
“Let me in Tabby. You won’t like the consequences if you don’t.”
“Is that a threat?”
