Regret Me Not

by Danielle Sibarium

  "You think I don't know him? That I didn't watch you two like a hawk to make sure he wasn't cut from the same piece of shit mold as Mike? I knew right away he wasn't, and it made me so jealous, because you snagged the guy I always wanted. Not Brayden, but that type of guy. He was sweet and gorgeous, and he treated you like a queen. What girl wouldn't want that?"

  "And that's different than Mike?"

  "Hell, yeah." Her voice drops. "It took a while to realize. It wasn't until I saw you and Brayden together that I figured it out. Mike never put me first the way Brayden did with you."

  "Then why did you follow him to Ohio? Why not break up with him and move on?"

  "Because I wanted out of here and away from Mom and Dad."

  "Why? They're not nightmare parents, all crazy and overbearing."

  "Not with you. They've always been different with you. You've always been the good one, the one who knows what she wants, the one they trust. With me, they've always second guessed me. Always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Every decision I made was wrong. I wanted to be a teacher, but they went on about how teachers are glorified day-care workers with pensions. I thought if I started over somewhere else I could get away from them, but I ran from one hell to another. What made it worse is that Mike never wanted me there. He never wanted me to go. He even told me before we left, I just didn't bother listening."

  For the first time ever I feel bad for my sister. Here I am thinking she had it all, and all along she's been envious of me. Neither of us have it as easy as the other thinks, but none of that matters now. We're family and these are the times you lean on your family. Maybe this is helping us find middle ground where we could find our place together.

  "I'm scared, Jess. I don't know what to expect."

  "I'm guessing you didn't tie him down and rape him."

  I shake my head.

  "Then it took two of you to get to this point. If I'm right about him, and I really think I am, he'll want to know and he'll be by your side. Beyond that I haven't got a clue. Just give him a chance. If he could help make this easier on you, let him."

  Jessica's pep talk worked. I can't wait to see him, to apologize and explain all the stupid things I said and did since last summer. I even have faith I'm not too late. I can't be. He couldn't have fallen in love with Alana in such a short time. We can find our way back to each other. If he really loves me the way Jess thinks, he'll give me another chance, and this time I won't fuck it up.

  Jessica parks the car in a far corner of the parking lot so no one will see her. If all goes well I'll send her the text I pre-typed into my phone. If not, she'll drive while I cry my eyes out.

  My entire body trembles as I walk toward the chain link fence around the football field. A rush of adrenaline has me feeling strong and confident. Jessica is right, I want Brayden by my side. I need him. All I have to do is face him. I could do this. I have to.

  A group of people stand by the bleachers. I look for the friendly face I need if things didn't go well, but Olivia isn't there yet. Neither is Josh. Just as I hoped, Brayden is. He stands with his chest against Alana's back, his arms around her shoulders, her hands are clasped over his arms. Like a sickening sweet after school special, his head rests on her shoulder next to hers. My heart falls fast and hard when our eyes meet. I hope he'll move away from her, that he'll see me and forget Alana exists, but he doesn't. Instead, he catches Scott's eye and nudges his head in my direction.

  Either the time and space apart helped mend the broken fences between the former teammates, or Scott just wants to be the one to tell me where to go. He comes jogging towards me with a smile glued on his face. Trying to find the strength that all but disintegrated when Brayden chose to ignore me, I stick my hand into my purse and reach for the sonogram picture to remind myself, I can't leave without telling him.

  "Go. He doesn't want you here, and you already know how I feel about you."

  I can't let Scott see how his words sting. I won't clue him in on how weak I am.

  "I know you're still angry with me, but I really need to speak to him, It'll just be a minute."

  Scott's face lights with joy. I hate how much pleasure he gets seeing me squirm. "I'm sorry Kenzie, he seems to have his hands full with his new girlfriend."

  Girlfriend.

  My stomach twists and churns. Hearing it is brutal. Feeling a cold chill grasp me at my core, unsure if it’s from the whipping wind or the ice in Scott's words, I fold my arms across my chest.

  Scott looks in their direction. "They look cute together don't they? Now that's the kind of girl the captain of the football team should be with."

  My hands close into fists. All I want to do is pound on Scott's face, but I can't. Brayden sent him over on purpose, to hurt me. To send me the message that I don't matter to him at all anymore. I need to keep it together.

  "Scott, I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends. I never meant to hurt you."

  "Hurt me? You couldn't hurt me."

  "I'm asking you as someone I once considered a friend, can you please tell Brayden I need to talk to him, it'll only be a minute."

  "You were never my friend."

  "Scott!"

  "Okay, fine." Scott puts his hands around his mouth and whispers so even I barely hear him. "Brayden. Oh, Brayden."

  Scott looks back toward his group of friends and then at me, "Sorry, he doesn't seem to care."

  "You're such an asshole. I can't believe I ever gave you the time of day." I turn and storm off, back towards the car.

  "Bitch!" Scott called after me. It's not until I'm closing the car door that I finally hear him yell, "Brayden, get your ass over here!"

  *

  Jessica drives around town while I pull myself together or at least try to. I never felt so alone before. I knew there was a good chance Brayden would still be angry with me after I told him, but I let my sister fill my head and heart with false hope that he would forgive me and love would win out in the end. Bottom line, it didn't.

  "I'm really sorry." Jessica's voice is low as she reaches over to rub my back. "I can't believe I misread him. I really thought he'd want to know."

  I just sniffle. I don't say anything. She tried her best. Clearly her view of the way the world works and the way it should work are skewed. She allowed it to break her heart, so why was I stupid enough to listen to her and allow my heart to be further shattered?

  "When we get home, go up to your room. I'll cover for you with Mom and Dad. Then I'll come up and we'll figure out the next step."

  "What next step, Jessica? I fucked up. I'm knocked up, and I need to get rid of it. There's nothing else to discuss, no other option."

  She runs her hand through her hair. "I'm sorry Kenzie. I'm so sorry I made this worse for you."

  We don't say another word to each other. Jessica parks the car in the garage and shuts the engine. Neither of us move. Jessica looks over at me one last time.

  "Ready?"

  Using my fingertips, I wipe my eyes again. "As I'll ever be."

  We walk in the house, and my sister goes straight into the living room where my parents are watching a movie and having drinks in front of the fireplace.

  "Did you get anything?" I hear my mother ask as I climb up the steps to my bedroom.

  "Not so much, but it was nice just to spend some time together."

  "Where's Mackenzie?" my father asks.

  "She's tired, she went upstairs to go take a nap."

  "I swear Jessica, if I find out she's on anything, so help me you'll be out on your ass!"

  "Patrick!" my mother scolds.

  I feel guilty letting Jessica get blamed for things that obviously aren't true, but I don't have the strength to go down and explain. Not now. I'm not sure I'll ever have that much strength again.

  "Get your head out of the sand. We turned a blind eye once, I won't do it again. Haven't you noticed the difference in Mackenzie? She's withdrawn and always hiding in her room."

  "You can't
just assume . . ."

  "I'm not, but I hear them in Mackenzie's room late at night. I'm sure whatever is going on has something to do with Jessica."

  "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

  "Do you blame me? Put yourself in my shoes, Jess?"

  "Dad, she's tired, and yes, she's depressed because she and Brayden broke up. How is any of that my fault?

  "All I'm saying is it better not be."

  I close the door to my room and slide my back down against it. I hope Jess can handle the shit my father's dishing out. I know I should go downstairs and make an appearance, then they can see I'm okay, at least on the outside.

  The doorbell startles me. I don't expect anyone, and could care less who it is, until I hear the banging. Even with my bedroom door closed I hear the pounding and yelling coming from outside the front door.

  "Mackenzie!"

  My body stiffens, I feel blood swooshing heavy in my veins.

  "Mackenzie, let me in."

  My mouth is dry. I can't move. He's here. Finally. As if he somehow knows I need him, that I'm at my lowest point ever and I need my best friend. I jump up and open the door to my room.

  "What the hell do you think you're doing banging on the door like that?" My father yells, sounding pissed.

  "Mackenzie!" Brayden ignores my father. "Get down here."

  "You don't come into my house and order my daughter around. You need to leave right now."

  I move to the top of the steps and listen.

  "I'm sorry sir, but I'm not leaving until I talk to her."

  "I'm not giving you a choice."

  "I know, Kenzie." He yells up the stairs. "I know and I won’t you let you do this."

  That's why he's here? He finally figured it out and now he wants to humiliate me? I thought it was because he loves me. I have to stop him, to shut him up before he makes things worse with my parents.

  "Leave, Brayden," I yell down.

  "No. I let you call the shots long enough. Get down here before I tell them."

  "Tell us what?"

  I run down the steps before he can say anything more, desperate to stop him. My whole family is gathered around the bottom landing, my parents, my sister, and Brayden. Once my eyes fall on him, I can't shift them away. Instead I look long and hard, soaking him in. His cheeks are red and ruddy, the top of his hairline damp with sweat, and his shirt has wet patches on it, as if he ran the two miles from the high school to my house. Still looking at him makes my heart flutter and my stomach swirl.

  "You don't want to be here. You moved on, so why don't you just leave."

  "Is that why you waited until now? Because I'm with someone else?"

  Ignoring the show in front of her, Jessica tries to pry my parents away and into the kitchen.

  "Let's give them some privacy." She tugs at my mother's arm.

  "No." My father shoots her a look. "I knew something wasn't right." He looks to Brayden, "Why don't you tell me what the hell is going on."

  I shake my head, my eyes pleading with him.

  "I can't believe you didn't tell them, that they don't know."

  I clear my throat, but still my voice sounds meek. "I don't know what you're talking about."

  "Bullshit."

  "Brayden," my father scolds.

  "No, sir. I'm sorry but this is a load of crap," he runs his hand through his hair and turns his unnerving stare back on me. "Why are you making me do this?"

  "I'm not making you do anything."

  "I know what you're planning to do. I'm sorry, but I can't let you."

  "Do you mind filling me in?" We all know it's more of a demand than a request.

  "Don't." I hear how panicked I sound. "I don't know what you think you know, but there's really nothing to tell."

  Brayden hesitates, and I hope, somewhere deep inside he loves me enough to drop it. I will him to say he made a terrible mistake coming and how sorry he is for the misunderstanding. Instead he stuffs his hands in his pockets.

  "Kenzie is pregnant." I feel the color drain from my face. "She's pregnant and she's planning to get rid of it." His eyes fall to the ground, when they meet mine again, they're sad, pained.

  My father's shocked face turns to me. "Mackenzie, is he right? Is that what this is all about? You're pregnant?"

  Tears stream from my eyes. "Why, Brayden? Why did you do this?"

  "Because it's my baby, too."

  The only sounds heard are the sobs escaping my body. Otherwise the room is silent. "Please, Kenzie, don't kill my baby."

  "She wouldn't," my mother chimes in.

  "Yes, she would. That's why she hasn't told you."

  "Let's give them a few minutes alone," Jessica says as she pulls my stunned father away.

  I sit on the top step of the bottom landing and hug my arms around me.

  "How do you know?"

  Brayden pulls the sonogram picture out of his pocket, and hands it to me before he sits down, careful not to touch me in anyway. "Don't try to give me any bull that it's not mine, the dates match."

  "You know I wouldn't do that. But how did you get this? It was in my purse."

  He shrugs. "I guess it fell out. Scott called me over when he found it."

  "Scott knows?"

  He nods.

  "Great. Then everyone knows."

  "So? You think you're the first girl this ever happened to? What's the big deal?"

  "The big deal is . . . If you don't know why it's a big deal then you don't know me at all. He hates me. By tomorrow, everyone will know."

  "Fine. So they know. It's not like we met at a club or like we had a one-night stand. I'll take full responsibility for it. And once the baby is born . . ."

  "Do you hear how ridiculous you're being? Once it's born what? What can you do? You'll be away at school?"

  "I'll be home by then," he points to the date on the sonogram image. "And if you're so dead set against it, I'll raise it myself." I hear the anger in his voice. "I'll transfer schools so I can live at home, and my mother will take care of it while I work."

  "I don't want you to transfer because of me. And school will be impossible with a baby pooping and crying all hours of the day and night."

  "It won't be because of you," he snaps. "It's because this is what I want. I'll find a way to figure it out."

  "It won't work, and I won't let you ruin your life because of it."

  "What I do with my life doesn't concern you. You've made that perfectly clear. And it's my choice to make, not yours."

  "Look, I know you hate me, but if you take a minute to think about it, you'll know I'm right. I've had more time to deal with this . . ."

  "I have thought about it." He snaps in a raised voice. "That whole first month I thought of nothing else. I ran all kinds of scenarios through my head, everything but not having it."

  "Then why did you cut me off?"

  "There's only so many times you bang your head against a wall before you realize it hurts and you stop doing it. But it doesn't mean I forgot one minute of what lead up to that point."

  "What are you saying?"

  He stares, his eyes hold mine unyielding. For that moment we're connected, and I know his love for me is still there, behind the hurt and anger.

  "Why did you come today?"

  I shrug. "I don't know."

  "Come on, I need you to be honest. It's just you and me right now. Tell me the truth. If you already have your mind made up, if you're so sure you're right, why did you come looking for me today?"

  I can't answer.

  "Was I right? Is it just because I'm with someone else?"

  "Wow, you must really see me as a cold hearted bitch."

  He shakes his head, "I don't know what to think. But if this wasn't about getting between Alana and me, then why didn't you tell me when you first found out?"

  "How? You blocked my calls and texts. My emails bounced back. What more could I have done?"

  "For starters, I didn't block your calls or texts, only
your email." He pulls his phone out of his pocket, and plays with it before handing it over so I could scroll through the messages I sent him. "I just didn't respond. I wanted to see if you would keep trying, but after the second text, you gave up. That's all I meant to you, two lousy texts. And they came the week after the dance, I knew you couldn't possibly know anything yet."

  "Why didn't you answer me?"

  "Do you realize, it was the first time since August that you reached out to me. Before that it was always me holding on too tight to you. Maybe it felt good to feel like you gave a shit, like the year we were together wasn't just a meaningless waste of time to you. And if nothing else worked, you could've come and told me face to face when I was home for Thanksgiving."

  "I tried. That's why I came to your house, but you never bothered to call me back." I turn away from him. "It doesn't matter anyway. Do us both a favor and just forget about it. Forget me. Forget that it ever happened."

  He reaches his hand out and cups my cheek. I turn my face back towards his. "This isn't something I can just forget," he pauses. "What do you mean you came to my house?"

  "You weren't home. Dean answered the door, but then you're mother told me on no uncertain terms to stay away from you."

  "Dean would've said something."

  I shrug. "You told him not to let me in if I showed up. I guess that and your mother pressuring him not to worked."

  Brayden pulls his phone from his pocket.

  "What are you doing?"

  "Calling my brother."

  I sit quietly and wait, my body trembles as I listen, wondering if Dean will tell the truth.

  There's something menacing in Brayden's tone. "I need you to tell me something right now, and so help me if I find out you're lying, I will kick your ass until it's so mangled and bruised you won't recognize it. Has Kenzie been to the house looking for me at all since we broke up?"

  Pause.

  "When?"

  Another pause. This time Brayden's hand reaches over and rests on my arm, a well of emotion in his eyes. "You dumb ass! I can't believe you didn't tell me! You better run when I get home." Brayden ends the call and rubs his forehead, "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

  I nod.

  "I figured you would've known by then. When I didn't hear from you I thought everything was fine and you were just being stubborn." I don't answer. "Mackenzie, I'll ask again. If you thought this all through and you don't want this baby, why did you come looking for me today?"