Regret Me Not

by Danielle Sibarium

  "I'm just so scared for her." He squeezes his arm around me. "For both of you."

  "I'm scared, too. But if you don't ease up on her she's going to fall right back to where she was."

  "Why? What has she said?"

  "Nothing. But I can see how helpless she feels at home, how useless. You and Mom won’t even let her take classes at school like a normal person. She has to do it over the Internet. You don't let her out of the house by herself and you won’t let her get a job. She needs to feel useful, to do something."

  "What if she's not ready?"

  "But what if she is? It's over a year since she OD’d, and she's been amazing through all this. I don't know what I would've done without her."

  "You're strong, Kenzie. Much stronger than you give yourself credit for."

  "So is Jess. And she's much smarter than you give her credit for. I think she's going to be okay, but you have to lay off her, just a little. Give her a chance to earn her life back."

  "It's called tough love."

  "I understand, and maybe that's what she needed in the beginning. But now I think she just needs love, and a chance."

  "She thought having you appeal to us would help her?"

  "No, Dad, I told you; she doesn't talk about it, she doesn't complain, but I see it. The same way she was able to see that something was wrong with me before anyone else noticed. The same way she knew I wanted to keep the baby."

  "Jessica did?"

  I nod. "And she even made sure I saw a doctor and got prenatal vitamins."

  "Your sister? Jessica?"

  I laugh. "Yes, Dad. My sister."

  We're interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. I feel like my heart is running ahead of my body, leaping over hurdles to get there. I jump out of my seat, but I'm stopped by my father's voice.

  "You really love him, don't you?"

  "More than I could ever imagine."

  "Go answer the door."

  Chapter15

  Not Quite a Gum-ball

  Until I see him standing in front on the other side of my front door with my own eyes, I half expect this is all a dream. I hope if it is, I would've woken up by now, but I'm still not certain this day is real. I open the door, and he's there, standing in front of me, looking unsure of himself. I swallow hard. Breathe I remind myself. How does he still affect me like this?

  My eyes tear with joy. Brayden is back. He promised he'd be back as soon as he could and here he is. Brayden has always been true to his word, so I had no real reason to worry, but I did. I worried between his parents and Alana, they would send Brayden running for the hills. I stand up on my tiptoes so my lips can meet his, and I hold him tight, as if he'll slip away with the breeze if I don't.

  That's all he needs, just that small bit of reassurance. A smile forms on his face, and I wonder how I'll ever be able to let him out of my sight again.

  "You missed me?" he says it half like a statement, half like a question.

  "Don't be so surprised."

  "I am. I wasn't sure after you had some time to think if you even wanted me to come back."

  "Of course I did. I'll always want you to come back, even if I'm too chicken to say it." I take him by the hand and lead him into the family room. I'm relieved to find that my father's not there, but I doubt he'll be gone for long.

  We sit together on the couch, and I have no use for words. We never needed to fill the gaps of silence between us before. I know there is still a lot that needs to be said, but I just want to lean my head against his chest, listen to the cadence of his heart beat and hold him tight.

  "I would've been back sooner, but there was something I had to do until I did it right."

  "Oh yeah? And what's that?"

  He reaches into his pocket, and shifts over, as if he's feeling around for something. He doesn't speak again until he found his secret treasure and pulls his hand out. "Do you have any idea how many quarters I had to go through before I got a decent one?"

  My mouth opens. He can't mean . . . He holds it out in front of me and I'm so happy my eyes fill with tears. "A ring? You really got me a ring?"

  "I did. Only this one didn't come out of a bubble gum machine. I hope it'll do."

  I forget myself. Forget that we're in the middle of the living room with my parents and sister in the next room. I straddle his lap and clasp my hands behind his neck. All the sadness I've been feeling. All of the uncertainty, it's all gone. At least for the moment. All I can focus on is how this feels. How nothing in my life has ever felt more right than being with Brayden right now.

  "Mackenzie? Why do you look like you are about to cry?"

  "Because I love you so much. And I'm so happy."

  "So those are tears of happiness?" his voice rises at the end of the question, and I know he's feeling his way through insecurity and doubt the same as me.

  "Yes."

  "It's not much of an engagement ring. I know the diamond is small, just a fraction of a carat."

  I look away from him and down at the ring between us. It's silver with an open heart in the middle and a few small diamond chips in the center.

  "I don't care. I was joking about the ring."

  "I'm not." He takes my left hand away from his neck and holds it between us. "I picked this out a while ago. I had it on layaway for months, since before you broke up with me. I wanted to give it to you before I left for school. It was supposed to be a promise ring. Now, I'm hoping it can serve as an engagement ring."

  I cover my mouth as he slips it on my finger.

  "Mackenzie Green, will you marry me?"

  "Yes! Yes, Brayden!"

  Once again caught up in the moment, I'm lost in a breathtaking kiss.

  "Maybe if you did less of that, you wouldn't be where you are now." My father's voice brings me back to the moment and we rush to break away from each other.

  "I'm sorry, Mr. Green."

  My father doesn't acknowledge the apology. "Mackenzie, go in the kitchen and help your mother."

  Uh oh, he wants to talk to Brayden. Alone. I hesitate before I move. I want to be sure Brayden is okay with this, but even if he's not, it's not like he has a choice. Sooner or later, he has to face my father. I stand and take a step away. Brayden reaches for my hand.

  "Wait." He stands and the back of his fingers brush my cheek. "This might not be where we planned to be at this point in our lives, but I do believe it's where we're supposed to be. There's a reason it happened like this."

  I nod.

  "I mean it. Sometimes you fight destiny with every bit of your free will, but you end up lost and find yourself right there, on the road you tried to avoid, because that was the path you were meant to take all along."

  I wonder if his little declaration was more for my benefit or for my father's. I don't answer, instead I make my way into the kitchen to see what my mother needs help with and ready myself for round two.

  Chapter 16

  Common Ground

  My mother and I are careful with the large steaming cups full of tea and coffee we carry into the family room. Without saying anything I glance at my father sitting on the love seat, then at Brayden on the couch. Neither looks particularly happy or comfortable, but that's okay, there isn't any yelling or death threats being tossed around either. Given what could be transpiring, I'll take quiet and uncomfortable.

  "Coffee?" I place a cup on the table in front of Brayden.

  "Sure." He rubs his hands over his legs and I notice him look at my cup as I sit down next to him. "What's that?"

  "Chamomile tea. It's decaffeinated."

  "So what, I'm cut out of the family all of a sudden? You find out a grand-baby is coming and you have no use for me?"

  "Jess," my father responds, "Mom said you were doing school work, I didn't want to bother you."

  Her mouth twists into a sarcastic grin. I know she's pissed. "Like you give a shit what I'm doing. And don't you think it might have been nice to ask me what I wanted?

  "You're right, I
'm sorry."

  Jess sits down on my other side looking at my father in disbelief. Then she turns to me, "Do you mind me being here?"

  "Of course not." I take her hand in mine.

  "How did your parents react to your news?" my mother asks.

  "Pretty much the way I thought. They weren't thrilled. They wish we were older."

  "Did you tell them that you want to be a part of the baby's life?

  "That's not quite the way I put it, sir."

  He looks at me to see my reaction, and I can't help but look away. I don't want him to see the disappointment in my eyes. I'm so confused. Didn't he just ask me to marry him like a second ago? I look down at the ring on my finger, I want to do the right thing, but I don't even have a clue what that is anymore. I don't want him to feel pressured that's for sure, but I thought . . .

  "I told them I plan on being this child's father in every way. I want to be there when she cries in the middle of the night. I want to hold her close when she's not feeling well, change her diapers, feed her. I want to be in my baby's life each and every day, not just when it’s convenient."

  "So you're serious about this?" my father asks.

  Brayden nods. "Yes, Sir."

  "How are you with a hammer and nails?"

  "Excuse me?"

  "Well, if you two are going to get married and raise this baby, you need some place to live. Besides, it’s a good excuse to finish the basement."

  I must not have heard right. He isn't suggesting that we live here with them is he? No. My father is all about tough love and stripping the luxuries away until you turn yourself around. Isn't he going to suggest we rent an apartment and see what the real world is like?

  "Do you mean it?" I ask.

  "Whatever my feelings are, we're talking about a baby here. It's a life. We need to come together and care for it. After all, it didn't ask to be brought into this world."

  "I love you, Daddy."

  "But understand this, we'll help where we can but the responsibility is on you two. And," he directs his statement at Brayden, "you are not spending the night here unless you two are married."

  "Of course. I wouldn't dream of it." He turns to me and gives my hand a squeeze. "Kenzie, my mother did have a request. She asked that we get married in a church."

  I stare at him. I'm not religious, and I'm pregnant. What is he thinking?

  "Won't we get struck down by lightning or something?"

  He chuckles. "Why, because you're pregnant?"

  "Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a rule or a commandment, or what ever they want you to follow. Thou must not have sex before marriage or thou will be struck down before stepping on holy ground."

  He smirks at me. "Is it that much of an issue for you?"

  "I'm serious, Brayden, no priest is going to marry us."

  "But if one agrees, are you okay with it? It's just one little request. And as your reward you get me for the rest of your life."

  Frustrated, I let out a long, exaggerated breath. "Fine. We get married in the church, as long as they don't go on and on telling me what a whore I am."

  "Seriously, have you ever gone to church? That's not what its like."

  "Yes. It is. It's a bunch of hypocritical old men who tell you how bad you are and why you're going to burn in hell."

  "Where do you even come up with these ideas?" He smiles and putting his arm around my shoulder, he pulls me close. "It's a good thing I love you. Or else I might think you're a bit crazy."

  I stare at my ring, and pay no attention to the rest of the conversation around me. I'm scared. Hell no, I'm terrified. But for the first time in months, I feel like I'm right where I belong.

  *

  My parents go off to the kitchen to put together a list of what needs to be bought and done to finish the basement. Jess moves over to the love seat. I yawn and Brayden moves to the corner of the couch and adjusts us so that I'm leaning on his chest.

  "I know it's been a long day, how are you holding up?"

  "I'm exhausted."

  "I'm sorry this has been so hard on you. Put your feet up and close your eyes."

  I shake my head. "No. I missed you so much. I don't want to sleep our time together away."

  "I'm not going anywhere, Kenzie. Never ever."

  "Yes you are. You're going home because my father will kick your ass if you try to stay."

  He grins and holds me close. "Okay fine, but then I'll be back tomorrow. You're not getting rid of me again."

  "Please. I want to gag," Jessica interrupts.

  "If we make you that sick, don't feel obligated to stay."

  "I'm staying. At least until I have a talk with my future brother-in-law."

  "What's up, Jessica?" he asks while stroking my hair.

  "I want you to know something. I convinced my sister to tell you about the baby. When she was certain she didn't want any part of it, I made her consider other options. Don't make me sorry I did."

  His hands move down and rest on my belly. "I wouldn't dream of it."

  "Good. Because I want you to understand. If you hurt her, I'll make you wish you were dead."

  "Jess!" I scold.

  Her eyes move down to me, "No, Kenzie. I need to let this out. It's good for me." She addresses Brayden again, "You know that I was down with some pretty shady characters. I mean I was in with the grungiest, dirtiest lowlifes. The lowest of the low."

  Brayden tenses up, I feel it in his hands and chest, but he doesn't say anything.

  "Once you know where to look, they're easy to find. They're desperate. They'll do anything for a hit, and if hurting you pays for their next fix, it's a no brainer."

  "Jessica, shut up!" I warn as I try to sit up. Brayden's arms tighten around me. He won't let me move. I don't know if it's because he's trying to appear calm or if he's trying to keep me from getting overworked.

  "It's okay." He soothes me before answering my sister. "Jess, if I had any intention of hurting her, I wouldn't be here. I'd be running at full speed, denying the baby is mine. But I am here. This is where I belong, and I'm not going anywhere."

  "I just want you to understand, she's my sister, and I love her. I'll do things I wouldn't otherwise. I'll owe favors to people that give me nightmares if it means protecting her."

  I feel him rub his cheek against my hair. "I get it Jess. I intend to earn your trust."

  She smiles. "You don't have to earn it, you already have it. All you can do from here is lose it."

  Taking a deep relaxing breath I decide to close my burning eyes for a few minutes.

  "Were your parents really okay with all of this?" she asks.

  I feel him shrug. "I don't see how they have a choice. I know they're disappointed, my father especially. He went off for about ten minutes yelling at me, telling me how I'm ruining my life because I'll never go pro. His face was red, the vein on the side of his neck was bulging so much, I thought he was going to have a stroke."

  "Sorry about your football career."

  "Don't be. I'm not. It was never what I wanted, I just went along with the program because . . ."

  "It was easier to appease them then fight them all the time. You think a better time will come along, the right opportunity for you to make them understand."

  "How do you know?"

  "I did the same thing," Jess answers.

  "Jess, you keep saying this, but for as long as I remember, you always wanted to go to law school," I interrupt.

  "No, I didn't. I wrote that in a third grade essay about what I want to be when I grow up, right along with an astronaut and a Viking. But every time I tried to remind anyone, I was told that it was my dream. That it was what I wanted and what I worked so hard for."

  He breaks in again, "They don't hear you no matter how many times you say it. Sometimes you just want to scream, but you don't because you know it's not going to make a difference."

  "Brayden, the difference is, you have to love football, or you wouldn't have made it so far."

>   "I thought I did, but over the last year and a half, I realized I loved other things more. It wasn't my top priority. And the second she broke up with me, I lost interest. If I really loved it, I would've used all that pain and anger on the field, but I didn't. I couldn't. I understood why Kenzie did it, because I was away and she was afraid. I never would've left if it wasn't for football, and I started to resent it. I started to resent my parents, too."

  "At least you didn't self-destruct like I did."

  "I did. And I lashed out and tried to hurt the people I love. I was a real dick to her." His arms tighten around me again and I nuzzle against his chest. "I wish I could take it all back." Intrigued, I want to continue to listen. They found common ground and are bonding. I know it will help me understand them both better if I can concentrate on what they're saying, but I can't stay conscious. I'm zoning out.

  "Hey, beautiful," Brayden nudges me and whispers in my ear. "Come on, it's time for you to go to bed."

  "No. I'm awake." I shift on his lap and bury my face against his warm chest. If this is what forever is promising, I want forever to start right now.

  "Come on, baby. I want you to rest."

  "I am resting. I haven't felt this good since we were together."

  "Kenzie, It's not just you anymore, you have to think about the baby."

  I open my eyes, "How are you already so invested in it? I mean you just found out today."

  "Maybe if I didn't know I want to spend the rest of my life with you, it would be different. But I know we belong together. I feel a connection to you that can't be turned off or destroyed. Believe me, I tried. Our child is a part of it. It's the seal on our bond. Now, kiss me goodnight and go to bed."

  I push myself to a sitting position and find that my sister is no longer in the room. I wonder how long I've been sleeping.

  "Brayden, I'm still scared."

  He smiles, and it's like the wattage of the light bulbs in the room double. "I wouldn't expect anything different."

  Chapter 17

  Preparations

  Brayden's mother must have pulled serious strings because on December twenty-sixth we have an appointment with Father Mario. Aside from the guilt I carry with me like a blanket, I feel doubly bad because I know he has better things do, like recover from the Christmas festivities. Isn't that the church's cash cow? I can't imagine meeting with us is at the top of his to-do-list.