Regret Me Not

by Danielle Sibarium

  I understand why he's concerned having sex this late into the pregnancy. But I can't help but wonder if it’s because he's no longer attracted to me. I wouldn't blame him, I'm not too fond of the shape my body has taken on either. We still hold hands and snuggle close at night, but the nonstop kissing and touching has almost died out completely. I never voice my concerns, I don't want him to think I'm having trust issues, although every once in a while, I wonder if there's someone at school that's captured his attention.

  "You're beautiful," he assures me any time he catches me looking sideways in the mirror.

  "Liar."

  He wraps his arms around my waist and rests them on my stomach. Every now and then he gets lucky and feels our little boy take a swipe at his hands. "One of these days you're going to understand how beautiful you are. I only hope when you do you still want to be with me."

  I turn to face him, and meet his lips. "I'll always want to be with you."

  He smiles, and breaks away.

  "Brayden, are you okay? I mean are we okay?"

  "Of course. I just have a lot on my mind."

  "So talk to me." I don't understand why he won't tell me what's wrong. I know there is something: he's quiet, he's withdrawn, he drinks. I wish he'd let me in so I could help.

  "It's nothing." He shuts down. And I feel the earth shake as an invisible ditch forms between us.

  I force myself to focus on the positive things in our relationship, like lying in bed next to him with his hand on my stomach. Julian tends to move a lot when he's home. I think he's responding to his father's voice. Julian is at the top of my list of names, Jake is on the top of his. I'd be fine with either name, but there's just something about Julian that feels right to me.

  "You know you're going to make me break my promise if you insist on naming him Julian don't you?"

  "What promise?"

  "To keep my son out of football. If we name him that, I'll have no choice but to make sure I toughen him up."

  I think Brayden just misses football. I worry it's the attention he misses more. As I watch the light in his eyes continue to dim, I question whether this simple life with our little family will be enough for him.

  *

  I wake to Brayden stroking my cheek. I open my eyes to find him shirtless, propped up on his elbow, and I smile.

  "You look so peaceful when you sleep."

  "Is it almost time for you to go to work? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to oversleep." I scoot back on the bed into a sitting position.

  "No. I'm up early and I'm being selfish."

  "How?"

  "Well, the painting is all done, and the nursery is ready." He reaches over and smoothes my hair. "I know I should let you sleep, but I feel like we hardly see each other lately and I miss you."

  "I miss you, too."

  "Oh yeah?" He smiles while leaning in to meet my lips.

  "Hmm." I let the soft sound escape from my mouth while getting lost in his arms.

  "How about I try to get off early tonight?"

  "You think they'd let you?"

  He shrugs. "I found someone to cover for me so I don't see why not. Maybe we could go to a movie? Or we can go to the boardwalk and I can try to win some stuffed animals for the baby."

  "Both sound great. But if you're not in a hurry to leave for work, and we're both up," I'm nervous to suggest it, but it's been a while, and he seems like he's in a better mood than usual. I decide to hint at what I'm thinking and see how he reacts. "Maybe we can do something now?"

  "Did you have anything special in mind?" He asks with hooded eyes, running his fingertips down my arm waking nerve cells, along with the sexual desire I've been trying to keep in hibernation over the last month or so.

  "You might not like what I have in mind if you keep that up," I tease.

  "What makes you think that?" his hand moves up my arm, across my neck and down to my breast. "I recognize that look," he whispers. "It tells me you're thinking along the same lines as me, and I like that idea very much."

  "Yeah?"

  "Oh, yeah." His voice holds a seductive threat, and my heart soars.

  Brayden and I spend the next couple of hours in bed. We haven't spent as much time just holding each other and touching each other since we first got married. He brushes my hair off my forehead.

  "I've missed that so much," he whispers.

  "Me too." I squeeze him tight.

  "You do?"

  "Of course. Why do you look so surprised?"

  "You've been so uncomfortable lately, I've left you alone because I didn't think you wanted to."

  "I want to." I looked away. "I thought maybe you weren't attracted to me because I look so hideous."

  He grabs my face with both hands. "Hideous? How could you think that? I'm so sorry. Do you have any idea how many nights I've gone to bed with a hard on just from lying here and looking at you?"

  I shake my head.

  "Babe, you are hot, and this," he runs his fingers over my belly, followed by his lips. "This only adds to your beauty."

  *

  I know it's cliché to say Brayden left me weak in the knees, but between our multiple romps in the morning, the twenty-five pounds of extra weight I'm carrying, and my new center of gravity, I'm not quite sure my knees can hold me up. I pour myself a cup of milk and sit at the kitchen table with Jessica.

  "Seriously, Kenzie. Do you have to go at it in the morning too?"

  "What?" I feel my heart pound.

  "At least when you were upstairs, your bed didn't make so much noise. I don't know what was worse, listening to the springs creaking or hearing the unflattering noises you guys make."

  I feel my face get hot as tears spring in my eyes.

  "Do you two know how to keep your hands off each other? I mean you're already carrying his spawn, can't he give you a rest?"

  I ignore her crude remark. "Do you think Mom and Dad heard?"

  She laughs. "God, Kenzie. You're so gullible. They left at the crack of dawn to go see Aunt Jane. They've been gone for hours, and they said not to expect them home until after dinner."

  "Then how did you know?"

  She smirks, "You have that same far off, glazed over look to your eyes you had after you first got married." She shrugs her shoulders. "I put two and two together."

  "Do you ever miss Mike?" It was an awkward question, and maybe not the best time to ask, but she never talks about him. It's like she's trying to wipe him from her memory.

  Jessica rubs the edge of the table with the tip of her pointer finger. She shakes her head, "The only thing I feel when I think about Mike is anger. I'm angry with him, but more so at myself. Actually that's not true. I'm ashamed."

  I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Why did I ask her that? I change the subject.

  "What about Carlos? He really has a thing for you."

  She shakes her head. "I just don't think it's smart for me to get involved with him."

  "Why not? I know you like him, so don't even try denying it."

  She makes a face, pressing her lips together, and looks me right in the eyes. I see a look of defiance on her face, one usually reserved for my father. "Fine, I do. I like him. Are you happy?" she snaps. "But I need to forget him. I want a fresh start, and I can't have that with anyone from around here. I know what they think, what they expect. Everyone here has heard all kinds of shit about me. Things I did with guys, things I'd do for a fix, but that's not me anymore. It's not who I want to be ever again."

  "Jess, I don't know what he's heard about you, but Carlos seems to really like you. I've never seen him show an interest in anyone for more than a night. Besides even if that's how it started, I'm sure he knows by now that's not who you are."

  Her eyes avoid me.

  "Jess, I love you and I wouldn't want to see you with someone that would hurt you. And while I didn't trust Carlos in the beginning, I think he's earned a date, at least one," I tease. "Take it from there and see what happens. Hey, why don't you guys com
e to the movies with Brayden and me tonight?"

  "Tonight?" She looks terrified.

  "Yes. Brayden's getting off early so we could spend some time together."

  "Then I'm sure the last thing he wants is to have Carlos and me tagging along."

  Even though I suspect she might be right, I ignore her comment. "It'll be fun, I promise."

  A twinkle starts to glow in Jessica's eyes, "I'll think about it while we're getting you all pretty with a mani-pedi?"

  "Just me?"

  "Of course not, when do you ever know me to pass up a free manicure?"

  "Free?"

  She pulls something from her pocket. "Mom did leave us her credit card for the day."

  "Only if you say you'll come."

  "I’m thinking about it."

  *

  I sit on the metal bench admiring my Pink Perfection colored nails. There's something about having them done professionally that brings out the inner diva in me. I lean my arms on the attached table in front of me, running my thumbs over each of the other fingers on my hand. I love the smooth, sleek feel to my nails. They feel thick and healthy, and the shiny top coat makes them look amazing. I wish I could replicate this look and feel at home.

  "It's a manicure, Kenzie, get over yourself." Jessica plops down next to me with a pair of ices and a pile of napkins. "Here's your mango passion," the last word she says is dripping with sarcasm.

  "I still think I should pass on the ice."

  "Come on goody-two-shoes, it's a hot day, and you're noticeably pregnant in case no one told you. If you can't splurge with an ice now, what's the point?"

  "So are you going to ask Carlos or should Brayden?"

  "You're such a nag, how does he put up with you?"

  "He loves me, the same as you."

  "Fine, I'll ask him." She sticks out her tongue and licks the rim of her cherry ice.

  "What I wouldn't give right now to be cold and sweet."

  Jessica freezes. I'm not sure if she's flustered or in a full on panic attack. Her face pales as Carlos appears from behind her and sits on the table.

  "Hi, beautiful," he winks at her.

  She's quick to recover, "Seriously, people eat on this table, do you really think it's the right place for your ass?"

  He grins, climbs down, and sits in the spot next to Jessica. He's so close to her, if a guillotine blade were dropped between them, the entire left side of his body would be chopped off.

  "I was trying to give you space. Is this better?" He asks grasping the hand holding the ice and licking the edge where it is about to drip down.

  Color tinges Jessica's cheeks and suddenly I feel very much like a voyeur. I turn my head in time to see Alana strutting her way toward us. I guess everyone is looking for a way to cool down, too bad, I hoped the sun would've melted the cold hearted bitch.

  "Are you stalking me now?" my sister teases Carlos.

  "If stalking means I was driving by, saw you, and decided to stop, then yes, I'm stalking you."

  "I'm glad you did," I chime in. "Jessica has something to ask you."

  "Oh, yeah? Shoot."

  Jessica's eyes double in size and I know she's pissed. I can't help myself; I egg her on. "See, Jess, he wants to know. Go ahead, ask him."

  I try to focus on the conversation between Carlos and Jessica, instead, my ears perk up at the sound of Alana's voice behind me.

  "I mean do you see her? What a heifer! No wonder he's hitting on every girl that flashes him a smile."

  I know she's playing a game. I have no doubt she's trying to get a reaction out of me. If this were yesterday it might have worked, but her timing is off. After the beautiful morning Brayden and I spent together I have enough confidence to ignore her.

  Carlos' hand presses against mine. "You know Brayden is crazy about you."

  I smile at him. "Yes. I do." I stand and stretch. "Carlos, can you give Jess a ride home? If we're all going out tonight, I should go rest up while he's at work, because once Brayden's home, the last thing we're going to do is sleep."

  I hear a deep, steaming breath escape Alana.

  "I'd love to."

  "Kenzie, just wait a minute. I'm almost done."

  I grab her purse and take the keys out. "No deal. Besides, I miss driving."

  "Are you sure you're up to it?" Carlos asks, while eyeing my bulging belly.

  "Yes, smart ass."

  "What is it with you girls and my ass today?"

  I shake my head and pull my phone out. I know Brayden won't answer, but still, I want Alana to hear the sickening, sweet message I plan to leave him. I'm shocked when he does answer.

  "Everything okay?"

  "Absolutely perfect. I just wanted to say I love you."

  Someone is screaming. Not just someone, everyone. I turn to see what's going on. People are moving, running, jumping. I see it. It's coming right at me. My mouth opens, I can't move, there's no time. My feet come up from under me. They are off the ground as my body flies backward, and the world around me fades to black.

  Chapter 26

  Julian

  The bright sun is shining down. It's not too hot. It provides just enough warmth for me not to worry about the cold. After all, I need to keep Julian warm. I look down at my son in my arms. He's beautiful. He has his father's eyes and thick lashes. He's using his whole hand to grasp my pinky. His soft, brown eyes meet mine, and I'm in love. I'll give my life in a heartbeat to save his.

  I look up for a moment, realizing we're all alone, and I have no idea where we are. The sun is so strong, I can't see anything. Nothing but the bright light around us, and Julian. I'm not worried though, I know we're safe. Peace and serenity fill me with each breath. I smile at my son, brush my cheek against the soft shock of downy, blonde hair, and cradle him close to my chest.

  "I've been waiting for you little prince. I love you so much."

  He coos and I feel like he's declaring his love for me as well. I kiss his forehead. I don't want to stop hugging and kissing him. Ever.

  "Hush, little baby," I think the words to the popular lullaby and hear them ring out around us. The sound is beautiful, like the words are coming out of chiming bells. The otherwise peaceful silence around us is broken by the whisper of my name carried on the wind.

  "Do you hear that, Julian? It's your daddy. He loves us so much. He's so excited you're here. I can't wait for you to meet him."

  "Mackenzie." I hear my name a bit louder and suddenly the brightness around me dims. The sun is no longer keeping me warm. I'm afraid. My heart is pounding hard. It's pounding so hard against my chest it hurts. And I can't breathe. I don't know where I am. I turn around and the dimness is growing into a cold, scary darkness. I look in all directions, searching for something recognizable, trying to make out anything familiar. I want to call out, but as I open my mouth no sound escapes. I fall to knees and hold my head in my hands.

  Julian! Where is he? I feel for him on the ground beneath me, but he's not there.

  "Julian!" I scream in silence.

  I'm surrounded by darkness. I'm cold and frightened. Worst of all I'm alone. I know I'm supposed to be taking care of my son. Where is he? I hear voices around me, they aren't familiar. I squeeze my eyes closed tight. I want to clear the darkness away. Maybe if I blink hard, I'll be able to see again. Everything feels wrong. I want to cry, but I can't. I can't move.

  "Come on, Mackenzie, you need to wake up now." I hear Brayden's voice.

  Wake up? Thank goodness it's only a dream.

  I take a deep breath. Cool air assaults my nostrils. Something is on my face. I want to shake it off, but I can't.

  "Oh, thank God." He sounds far away.

  I try to call his name, but nothing comes out. No sound. There's pressure on my chest, and on my hand.

  "Kenzie, baby. Please wake up." I feel his thumb rubbing across my cheek.

  Loud beeping sounds pull me further away from the peaceful light and into the cold darkness.

  "Come on, you ne
ed to take a deep breath." Brayden orders.

  I do, breathing in the pure oxygen covering my mouth and nose.

  "Julian." I whisper, hearing the beeping sounds once again. "Where's Julian?"

  My words are swallowed up by the oxygen mask. I open my eyes. My lids are heavy. I want to shut them again and go back to sleep.

  I feel something wet drip down my cheek. It's a tear. Mine? Brayden's? He brushes it away with his thumb. "Thank God you're okay." His voice doesn't sound right. I force my eyes open again. He has my hand in one of his, and he's leaning over me, his face close to mine. He's crying, and I don't understand.

  "Brayden?" I whisper before my eyes close again.

  *

  Everything hurts. My head, OMG it's like someone is using that great big hammer you find at carnivals, the one you slam down with all your might in hopes of ringing the bell on top and winning a huge prize. It hurts to breathe. That must be why Brayden keeps ordering me to take a deep breath.

  I hear voices. "If she wakes again try and keep her up."

  "Where the hell are your parents?" he snaps. I try to answer, but I don't understand why Brayden is so upset.

  "It doesn't matter, you make the decisions. You're the one responsible."

  "I can't. I don't know what to do. I didn't sign on for this."

  *

  Brayden is talking in a low, hushed tone. Who is he talking to? I hear myself moan before I have the strength to open my eyes. All I can think of is the pain and Brayden. Why am I in so much pain?

  "Brayden?"

  "Shh."

  He's at my side, smoothing my hair. I turn my still pounding head to look at him. He's holding something wrapped in a blanket. My heart almost bursts through my chest when I realize, what he's holding.

  "Julian!" I cry out. "No." It's too soon. My hands move down to my stomach. It's still large and swollen, but even through the pain, I know it's empty.

  Brayden's eyes meet mine. They're glassed over with tears. "I'm so sorry, Kenzie."

  "NO!" I scream.

  A woman I've never seen in scrubs approaches my bed. I don't know if she's a doctor or nurse.