by K. L. Jessop
“Lucas? Lucas, wait.”
“I’m fine, Megan.”
“But we need to talk about this.”
I turn, looking back at them. Tears are in my sister’s eyes, and I hate the fact that they are for me—I hate the fact that they are there because I frightened her with my behaviour. But I need to go.
“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m going home. I need to see Tori.” But most importantly, I need to work out how I’m going to tell her I knew her mother. I never knew Tori when I was a boy, but I knew of Rebecca and seeing her in the photo brought everything back.
And the reason why I know her was because she was fucking my uncle.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Victoria
It’s after three in the morning when Lucas walks through the door, and I’m livid and relieved all at once: relieved that he is here now with me, but livid with myself because I’ve not been able to relax for days, or the last few hours that I’ve been alone. Marcus and Amelia offered to have Charlie at theirs for the night so I could rest, and as anxious as I was to let him go, I knew he needed it. He can sense my stress and has been grouchy of late. As soon as I was alone, I locked the door and went straight to bed. Only sleep hasn’t come because every sound makes me jump, every second that passes feels like an eternity and all I want is my protector’s arms around me. Every time I close my eyes, I see the man from Scarlett’s: the same man who’s been on my mind ever since and the same man who makes me feel sick when I think of his hands touching me. I’ve been on edge since. I know Lucas is aware of this, but instead of telling him my reasons, I find myself falling into that black hole of suffocation I once was in and letting the space between us grow bigger.
“Where the fuck have you been?” I snap as he enters the lounge. “Marcus took Charlie hours ago and I’ve been on my own. I texted you to come home.” I can already tell by the flow of his walk that he’s had one drink too many but not enough to make him uncoordinated. He doesn’t answer; he just walks over to the mini bar and pours himself a large whisky, throwing it back before pouring himself another while I’m standing there, dumbfounded.
His dismissiveness pisses me off, and I’m all out to go bat-shit crazy but on the second gulp of his drink, I notice his knuckles are cut and bloody. His shoulders are sharp with tension and I can tell without seeing his eyes that they will no doubt be full of aggression for the person that’s caused him to react with violence. Bodyguard or not, Lucas doesn’t like to retaliate with brutality without good reason. My frustration with his whereabouts quickly dies, and I find myself walking towards him.
Taking his bruised hand, I inspect it, all the while feeling his eyes on me, watching every move I make.
“What happened?”
“It’s nothing,” he murmurs, but I can tell by his voice that’s untrue.
“It doesn’t look like nothing: you’re hurt.” Looking up at him, I don’t like what’s staring back at me. His ocean eyes are dilated with a need but enclosed with that darkness, his darkness, and it’s that I don’t like. I can see without asking that his past is haunting him tonight, now. I look back to his hand and kiss his fingertips. His callous hand is bursting with strength just like the rest of him. I can only imagine what damage it can do. “I’ll get you some ice.”
“Don’t.” His hand presses against my waist, stopping me. The warmth of him radiates through the thin fabric of my dress, sending a delicious shiver to the core of my soul. The silence that rolls between us becomes thick and my body feels that pull he always takes charge of as he towers over me. “I’ve missed you, Birdy,” he whispers, the raw emotion in his voice making my stomach clench. The thought of him missing me when I’ve never really gone anywhere makes my heart ache because it means I’ve clearly not been here when he’s needed me.
“I’ve not been anywhere. I’m right here.”
He cups my neck with both hands, his forehead against mine. “You have.”
I can feel his frame trembling through me. He’s fighting his anxieties; his eyes are full of so many emotions.
“I can’t lose you, Tori.” The pain that’s enriched in his features hurts to witness, and I find my own being shaking with the amount of love I have for him. What I feel for him is extraordinary, spellbinding. Every part of what he feels, my heart feels too.
We are one.
“You’re not going to lose me. You have me. Every part of me.”
He comes in closer, his arousal pressing into me as he trails his nose in my hair, inhaling my scent. He wants me to help him ease the chaos that’s circling his thoughts, I can tell. The seduction is not playful. It’s full of desperation, hunger and a yearning that is undeniable, waiting to take us both to our place of liberation. But it’s not always the answer. Sex is not the solution right now: I need him to talk to me, but I can’t say that our physicality won’t worsen my own mental state that is drowning me also. “Talk to me, Lucas.”
“I need my Birdy back.” He’s kissing me, the taste of alcohol on his tongue intoxicates my senses. It’s a kiss filled with solemn melancholy and grief. It continues, never giving me a chance to breathe, as though if we part, everything will hit him full force and he’ll break.
With each twirl of our tongues, each fingerprint of mine imprinting on his skin, I feel his tension start to weaken. “Lucas, please talk to me.” I push him lightly, wanting to try again to hear his words, but he comes right back, crashing his mouth on mine and slipping his hands up my dress.
“I need you, Tori. You need me,” he says breathlessly between kisses. “We need this. Tell me you need this. Tell me you need me.”
“You know I do.”
“Let me hear it. I have to hear you say it.”
I can’t deny him. What little strength I had has gone because he’s right: I do need him. I need his touch. I need his love. I need everything that makes him my Lucas.
“I need you.” I unbutton his jeans and push them down his thighs, before taking his thick solid length to stroke him while his mouth covers mine, my body now a forceful desire, my heart an irrepressible beat. I’m lifted onto the edge of the cabinet, my legs around his waist. With heavy eyes locked on mine, he pushes my knickers aside and slides deep inside me. He fucks me slow with a tempo that has me withering. No words are exchanged, intensifying the connection between us even more as every pore on my skin becomes red hot. I close my eyes and let the sensation of us take over, loving every inch of his delicious thrusts that have me crying his name and climaxing around him. I’m quivering with need, love and the untold anxiety that’s trying to creep back in. I’m trembling because he’s all that I ever needed, and it took me all this time to find him.
“What’s going on in that head of yours, Birdy?” he whispers, holding me against him as he strokes my hair. I grasp on like never before as my emotions begin to get the better of me and my mind invades with this new turbulence. I know where he’s going with this, and I don’t think I’m ready to give him the answers he’s waiting for.
“What makes you think there is anything?” I murmur.
“Because I know you. And I know there is something you’re not telling me.”
“I could ask you the same thing, Lucas. You’ve even got wounds to prove it.”
“My wounds will heal. Yours, however, seem to have re-opened.”
That causes me to look up at him. “How do you mean?”
“You’re wanting to run. I can see it in your eyes; it’s been there for days.” He runs his thumb along my lip and my gut tightens with his identification.
Even though he’s right, I somehow feel more transparent than ever.
“You know you can trust me, right?”
“Of course, I do.”
He grips my jaw, his gaze solid. “Then tell me.”
I swallow hard, knowing that I can’t run from him like I was once able to do. I can’t hide who I am anymore because he knows me now better than I know myself. And I don’t think I can hold back
on the fears that are burning inside along with the ones that man put in me the other night. “I’m scared,” I whisper, tears blurring my eyes.
“Of what?”
“I said that you’ll never lose me, but what if I lose you. What if what I tell you will change things? I can’t have that, Lucas. It will kill me.”
I’ve been scared ever since I left the club the other night and it’s a brutal reminder of what life was like before I met him. And I know that whoever that man is, he’ll make sure I suffer, just like Lawson did all those years. I can’t lose Charlie and I can’t lose Lucas. My life will end not long after.
“I don’t understand. Why would you think you’d lose me?”
I hesitate for a moment, not knowing what to say or how to even say it. I look down at my fingers that are playing with the hem of my dress and I suddenly feel like a terrorised little girl, standing in front of a giant who’s nothing but gentle.
“I lied to you.” I feel him tense and my heart aches with the retreat I know is coming. “I didn’t come home early the other night because I was unwell. Something happened. I—”
“Are you using, again?”
I’m hit with what feels like a wrecking ball, stripping the air from my lungs with the unexpected words that have just left him. My body turns cold and any vocabulary I’d gathered to express what had happened has now been wiped clean as the shockwaves of what he’s implying scream in my ears.
“Tori, are you taking drugs again? Because if you are then—”
I push him off me like he’s suddenly my enemy, straightening my dress as I take several steps away from him. “Why… why would you think that?”
“Because you’ve been acting odd.”
My eyes widen. “So, what, I have a bad couple of days and you think I’m back on drugs?”
“I don’t know, I just—”
“Just what, Lucas?!” Uncontrollable rage now lines my blood. How dare he. After everything—the time I found my best friend and it brought all the haunts back, the time I told him my story—I never once turned to the road of self-destruction, so why now? I may be an addict, but I’m not fucking stupid. When he steps closer, I immediately step back not wanting his proximity.
“Baby, let me explain.”
Too fucking late for that. I don’t know if I should laugh, cry or scream at him. If I were a woman of the physical kind, I’d happily smack him in the face right now because of the trust he’s suddenly taken from me. “What is there to explain, Lucas?” I roar. “After everything you know I’ve been through. After the fight I had to get to this point in my life, you really think I would jeopardise that over a few fucking lines of cocaine?”
“I’m sorry but can you blame me?” The tone of his voice now matches the same level as mine. “You’ve not been acting yourself these past few days. You’ve hardly come near me, you can’t even look at me and every time I’ve tried to talk to you, you’ve made out as if I was the one going crazy. So, forgive me if I’m in the wrong here, but let’s not forget that you are an addict!”
“That doesn’t mean I’m using!” I scream.
“But it doesn’t give reason for your behaviour either! You left for work that night as you and came back a completely different person.”
“Because some arsehole touched me and has fucked with my head!” The words are out faster than I can control. He steps back, stunned, and I can already see the regret in his eyes from his accusations. I never wanted to tell him like this, only now even though he knows, I don’t want to tell him at all. It’s too late; the damage has already been done. I’ve already been accused.
“What? What do you mean ‘someone’?” His eyes quickly change from shocked to pure fire, his fists clamp, his jaw tight. “Tori, who touched you?”
“What does it matter now? You’ve just created more damage than had already been done.” I slowly walk backwards, exiting the room. “I can’t do this, now.” I can’t be around him right now because even though I love him, it feels like my heart has been ripped out and stamped on. I need space. I need air.
“Don’t you dare run out on me. We need to talk about this. I need to know what happened!”
“Lucas, I can’t even look at you right now, so there’s no way I can talk to you.”
He edges closer towards me, extending his arm out and trapping me against the door, preventing me from leaving. “Let me go, Lucas.” His lips are a breath apart from mine, his body humming between us.
I turn my head away. I need to leave; if I don’t then I’ll soon become the possession of his touch and I can’t do this right now. He can’t destroy me with words and then make me forgive that easily.
“I’m sorry. I love you, Birdy.”
I scoff, trying to push him away. “Well right now you have a funny way of fucking showing it.”
“I need you to tell me what happened.”
“And I need you to let me go.” I’m too far gone to even think straight. I push him harder, but he doesn’t budge.
“Tori, you can’t just leave. There are things I need to say too.”
“I think you’ve said enough. Let me pass.”
“Please. You don’t understand.” His eyes are full of anguish once again, but I couldn’t give a shit about his feelings right now. Even though I can understand his reasons, his words have still hurt me.
I clench my jaw and spit out my anger. “Let. Me. Go!”
Stepping back, he shakes his head, a smirk on his face as if this whole thing is amusing somehow.
I can’t read him, but I know that the man now standing in front of me is not that man that I’ve just argued with, nor is he the man that I made love with after he walked through the door. His eyes are not my Lucas’s.
“You are unbelievable.”
“And you need to sleep off whatever drunken-shit is going on in your head.”
Fury and hurt burn through me as I storm out of the house. Tears flood my eyes as I make my way towards the beach. I can’t believe he thought I’d do such a thing. He has to know I wouldn’t risk everything for a fix. And I haven’t. The reason for my odd behaviour is because of that man from Scarlett’s. He intimidated me to the point I’ve been looking over my shoulder, and I loathe the fact his terrorisation has worked. The sound of the waves hits my ears and I let out the deep breath to try and calm myself.
Even after his allegations, I still love him. How can I not? But his words and lack of trust hurt more than anything right now and that’s why I needed to go. From the second he’s been in my life, I never given him a reason to ever doubt me. I guess that’s because I’ve never wanted to doubt myself. However, I guess I’ve been too wrapped up in him to realise there would be a time when he would.
I sense someone behind me and exhale. Does this man ever listen? “Lucas, I said I needed space.”
“Oh dear. Trouble in paradise?”
My blood runs cold and I turn quickly. My lungs suddenly lose every breath they have; my heart is in my throat as my legs become weak and I suddenly regret leaving my protector when I see the man standing in front of me.
They say that life can change in a split second, knocking you off balance and everything else around you. And it’s true, because everything is suddenly stripped away as I’m now left wide open and highly vulnerable when I find the man from the club standing in the shadows, his gun aimed at my head.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lucas.
Regret is a powerful feeling that can rip you apart, but what I’m feeling now is beyond fatal. It’s eating away at my insides while my head replays the incident over and over, reminding me that I’m the one that caused the situation. I should be used to feeling like this because I’ve been here before. I should have learned to control the anger I had towards one man and stopped him from tarnishing the love I have with Tori. But I didn’t; I let his wicked way seep into my thoughts and made everything explode in my face all at once.
I don’t regret a thing I did to him tha
t night, but I regret everything that left my mouth when I stood in front of Tori. My heart is struggling to cope with this new level of guilt that’s pulling at me left, right and centre. My world has slowly become a blur with each hour that she hasn’t come home. Question after question has been asked about why she left. I know what made her leave. It was because of me. I was the one that pushed her to walk out of that door with tears in her eyes, and it fucking sickens me that I did that. She is my light and that light went out when she walked out and never came home. It’s nearly forty-eight hours since Tori’s been missing. Her phone is unresponsive, her purse is still here, the police are fucking useless and I’m struggling to contain the rage that’s burning through me. Every time I close my eyes, I see her fate ending in a different horror story, and it’s killing me.
Amelia joins me outside, shutting the doors behind her and hugging my waist. We stand in silence, letting the ocean crash in the distance. I can’t go back to dark days and haunts, but the energy I have to remain strong is almost burning out too quickly.
“You don’t have to be the strong one right now, Lucas. No one will think any less of you if you show how you’re really feeling. You can’t be this person you’re fighting to be all the time.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, trying to blink away the unshed tears that are threatening.
“You always told me to follow my heart and listen to what it’s telling me, and I know that yours is struggling right now but I’m here.”
I’m a protector. I’m meant to be the strong one, but her words are beginning to rip me apart.
“Everyone has a weakness and it’s ok if yours breaks.”
I’ve always been the one that my family turned to when they needed reassurance, love and shelter. But now it’s me that’s on the other side once again. However, I’m not falling down that hole this time. I won’t allow it. My phone vibrates in my pocket and my heart suddenly beats faster with panic. And when I swipe the screen, my stomach drops when I see an image of my Raven bird, laid on the floor of some warehouse, tied up and bleeding.
