London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  I thought he told a good story… opened up a few new angles for me… he was really rolling. Whoops! Another break in the action… Knocking, ringing… Pépé leaps out of bed, runs: it’s the milkman, she charges from the bed, leaving us to ourselves!

  “Well? Well?” I prod him. “Out with it, Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! Keep it rolling, damn it! How’d you land here? How’d you find this place to shack up, this dame?”

  “Hey, watch your tongue, sonny boy! You think I don’t have connections?”

  Ah! I insulted him.

  “My boy, a Chinaman’s not hard to dig up! Especially a phoney! Get me?… The world’s not exactly crawling with them!… Why, I’d have found him all by myself disguised as a mouse turd! A no-Chink Chinaman! In the Lord Mayor’s ass hairs!… Ah! So you see, take it from me!”

  Hard-nosed!… That says it… hard-nosed!…

  “You don’t know how I get, you little ass, once my mind’s made up!…” He eyed me with a look of such pity. A real swellhead when it came to scrounging up any old character at all from the streets of London just as he pleases. A more eagle eye than anybody around.

  “You see! Didn’t even put in one full day!… And – Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! – the fox gets in the henhouse!… I’ll haul in the handsome couple! Granted, I had it easy! There wasn’t a wisp of fog… ideal weather! Right! But even if the cotton stuffing came down over all the twelve districts just like that, a fog thick as pea soup spilling all over, I’d have still brought them back… Not a damn bit of difference! When I set out looking for something I find it! Remember that, loafer! That’s one sure thing you can’t deny!”

  And he spits onto the stove from afar! Splat! A huge gob… sizzling and popping!

  “That’s the way it is, pal!…”

  So proud of himself he’s roaring! Taking me in from on high, from the edge of his bed, the filthy stuck-up cripple! Pépé’s outside on the landing, oblivious to us… clucking away, lovey-doveying with the little delivery boy in the door frame… the young milkman… we could hear their smooching! She wasn’t wasting a second… Our gab session must have got to her… Love the one you’re with, that was her style… I understood the lady. Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! is treating me to another go-around, he absolutely insists on showing off to me, another tale of his amazing stunts, he could see me smiling…

  “I’m the one! Understand, you little dope! I’m not blowing my own trumpet when I tell you I’m the greatest pilot in London! The ones out on the river don’t exist! Get that through your head, little bird! I’m Nelson, king of the fog! Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! I scare away the pigeons! Just get a look at this! Boom! Boom!”

  He was pretending to raise his rifle… then firing through the fanlight… at all the imaginary pigeons… I had to admire him for all his accomplishments… including this one!

  “So, what’ve you decided?”

  I’d had it with all his posturings.

  “Oh well, it’s all over! I found you!”

  “What’d you find, dickhead? You found some old hag to bang, his broken-down old bag Pépé!… But the Chinaman couldn’t give a fuck about you… So you can take that from me, sucker!”

  I was going to take that lousy show-off down a peg or two… Despite the rest, he turned my stomach… Now it was my turn to have some fun…

  “Hey, now! Hey, you little twit! You watch your mouth!”

  He wasn’t expecting this, he’s ready for a fight…

  “OK, enough, Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! I’m just kidding…”

  I didn’t want to make him mad right off the bat, that would have killed my chances to find out more. He goes back on the attack.

  “So, you’re going to see Cascade, right? Ah! You just got to! Absolutely! If I let him know I found you and that then you didn’t want to come see that hell-raiser! Ah! You don’t know what you’re in for!…”

  “And what if you don’t breathe a word?”

  “Then he’ll say: ‘Nelson’s a double-crosser! No way he can turn up empty-handed! All of a sudden Nelson turns out to be a bumbler! Ha! Since when?!”’

  “Don’t you want to do me a little favour? You know I’m up shit creek…” I’m testing him out.

  “Just knock it off now! Poor jerk! Try and get serious… What’s the big risk if you just drop by and see him, talk things over man to man?… Cascade’s not some sword-swallower… He just wants to understand you!… He proved it to you! As a friend! So it’s just that he doesn’t want to be double-crossed… He knows London a little better than you do!… He knows where things can lead!”

  “Yes! But you see, it’s like this: I don’t want to see him… I’m involved in something right now… I’ll explain… an angle!…”

  “Ah! Ah! So you’re working on some angle!”

  Old eagle eye’s snapped back with a good answer! I’ve confessed! I’m not denying it at all! On the contrary!

  “Sure am! Sure am!” I lay it on thick… “A deal, Nelson, see, like this!”

  I show him the bag… act out the plan… pounds and pounds galore!

  “Ah! Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! So now you see the whole picture!”

  I want him to drool over it.

  “You just can’t imagine!”

  He nods… looks at me funny… wonders whether I’m playing him for some total chump…

  “No! No!…” I insist. “Look! Like that!”

  I act it all out again… the big bags… hand over fist… Ah! He puts on a face, doesn’t believe a word…

  “A deal? A deal? Excuse me, snotnose! It’s not in the bag yet! I’ve got more going with Cascade than a lot of hot air! I never go hungry with him! He pays off down to the last red cent, my friend! Five pounds! Ten pounds! I show up! Everything’s OK! Then off I go! Never a word! So long! See you next time! Now there’s a job for you! This deal right here is worth, let’s see, at least ten pounds for the way I found you…”

  He was telling me to put up or shut up… holding a door open for me… “Yes, but Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! you’re getting ahead of yourself, you’re not paying attention to a single thing I’m telling you… you just got dough on your mind… but what I’m talking about isn’t just about a pile of cash… a big caper like this!”

  I start acting it all out for him again!…

  “Anyway, that ten pounds of yours sort of makes me smile! Chicken feed… Oh, brother!… It cracks me up… if it was just about loot I wouldn’t have even mentioned it… but there’s a whole lot more at stake! Just listen to this…”

  I move close to his ear…

  “It’s also an affair of honour!”

  With that he gives me a look, rolling his eyes… So then I whisper into his canal…

  “Military secret!”

  Ah! He wasn’t expecting that one. He’s nailed on his ass… shocked.

  “I can’t breathe another word! Do what you want now!”

  He was rocking on the edge of the bed, back and forth, he couldn’t believe it.

  “You’re putting one over on me, snotnose! You really think I’m an idiot!…”

  “No, I don’t! I really don’t! Not you, Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! A big waste of time with you! You’ve got an eagle eye! Come with me if you have any doubts!”

  What more could I say!…

  “And I’m telling you that you’re trying to pull a fast one!”

  He was hanging back.

  “No, I’m not!”

  He remained leery. I cut him to the quick.

  “This deal’ll win the war! There, now do you get it? Now do you maybe understand how serious it is? Do you want the Allies to win? Or don’t you give a shit? Or doesn’t it matter to you?”

  He sat there with his jaw in his lap.

  And I didn’t mince my words.

  “Now, Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! You’ve got all the info. Do what you want! If you sabotage this, that’s your business. I’ve filled you in, and that’s that… Do whatever you think is right!”

  That’s how I came at him. Ah! My words riled him! He g
lanced down, then up… that’s how upset he was with my mysterious mumbo-jumbo. He was afraid to look me in the eye… Torn up inside, and pretty violently at that.

  “What an idiot you are! Because that’s already happened! Because the war’s good and won! What the hell does this have to do with it! England won the war! And France too, goddamn it!”

  Then he has second thoughts.

  “Ah well, come to think of it! Fuck France!”

  He’s mad.

  “Ah! You see, Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! You’re talking bullshit! You don’t have any idea what you’re saying any more.”

  “What idea? What is it?”

  “That it’s all up to you, Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! It’s plain and simple! Clear as a bell!”

  “Up to me how?”

  He wouldn’t drop the idea.

  I run through it all over again.

  “Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! You’re just like a woman! You can’t help spinning crap! I’m onto an amazing deal… I want to clue you in as a pal… But you keep shooting your mouth off! Never mind! The deal’s blown!”

  “Never mind about what?”

  “The secret, what else? The secret for winning the war! Jesus fucking Christ! I’m not going to stand here and talk myself hoarse! You’re going to spill the whole thing at Cascade’s! Easy enough for you to talk! Monsieur, come and get it! We’re going to lose this one… that’s the way wars are lost… just takes one asshole like you…”

  “We are winning it, you snotnose!”

  He won’t give in one iota.

  “How’re we winning it? With your dick, huh?… Tell me, pal!”

  I’m sticking it to him. His blood’s really starting to boil.

  I kept hammering away.

  “Not the way you’re going at it, you walking disaster!”

  Ah! He couldn’t keep to the bed any more… climbing the walls in his anger! Ah! You bet I was having one terrific time!…

  “We’ll win it!… It’s all sewn up!”

  He yelled the words in his pig-headed rage.

  “Ah! Don’t think so!…”

  I wouldn’t back down.

  “Long live England! Hurrah for England! Fuck the French!” he hollered again even louder.

  With that he grabs the rum, knocks back a swig, just like that, bottoms up… glug-glug-glug… then he’s back to his act… he wants to show me what he’s made of, the way he shoots pigeons… his imaginary creatures… through the fanlight… Boom! Boom! He’s working himself up this way. He sees pigeons surrounding me like we’re out on the esplanade of his square. And then he breaks into his big song. He’s determined to keep his pecker up in the face of my bullshit!…

  “Hurrah for England! Vic… tor… ious! Rious!… And glori… ous!”

  He bucks up his confidence this way… He starts over two, three times… He feels a lot better, perky, in tip-top shape!… Let’s go!… He’s going to give me my chance!… It’s nagging at him all the same…

  “Snotnose! Snotnose! Start talking!…”

  I run through the entire business once more, how we’re going to win the war thanks to this marvellous invention… never mentioning exactly which…

  He thinks it over.

  “Good! Good! OK, right! So you’re sure then? A military secret?…”

  “Yes! Yes!”

  I blurt it out. I’m positive. He buys it.

  “Good! Now you’re going to tell me everything, right? I won’t repeat a word, I swear!”

  He blurts it out too.

  “Shh! Shh! Shh!”

  At this point I squelch him. And what about Pépé and the kid!… Can’t he see them out there on the landing? They’ve got ears, right?… This Nelson’s one dumb blabbermouth!

  “I’ve said too much,” I tell him.

  Ah! Now that pisses him off!… I whet his curiosity, then cut him off! He was dying to start shooting his mouth off like some old busybody… He looks at me unhappy as hell… takes another swig of booze, a glassful, straight from the fifth… empties his lungs… right into my face… gives me a wink… I’ve whacked him out… he doesn’t understand anything any more…

  “Your story’s a load of crap!”

  So he concludes.

  “All right then, come and see! Let’s go!…”

  I can’t do better than that.

  “Let’s go where?”

  “To see Kitchener. You mean you don’t know about him?”

  “Who’s this Kitchener?”

  “Over at the War Office!”

  “You’re going to join up?”

  “Course not, you idiot! To see the minister! He’s the minister!”

  “You going to tell him?”

  “Not everything! Not everything!”

  “Ah! Ah! Well, how about that now!”

  I made an impression with this latest remark. He’s really bowled over by how discreet I am…

  “You’re a sly one, kiddo! You’re sly! A real riot! You chiseller you!…”

  He takes aim at my side too… right there point-blank… like with the pigeons… and boom! Boom! He sets his sights right on my heart. I joke with him.

  “Come over to the ministry, you’ll see!”

  I twist his arm, beg him.

  “I can’t offer you more than that! I’ll show you Kitchener in person!”

  “So you’re a spy, are you? A spy? You never told me!”

  All of a sudden he gets it into his head that I’m a spy, or something… he looks at me… Ah! He can’t get over it! I’ve got to clear my name.

  “Course not, dummy! It’s for the invention!… Didn’t you get anything? It’s personal!… It’s for the minister!”

  “Did you go and invent gunpowder or something?”

  “Better than that, Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! A thousand times better!… Ah! Just you wait and see! You’ve got no idea!… Come along with me!… What more can I tell you?…”

  “Ah! But then after that, you’ll tell me everything?”

  “You’ll see for yourself! Promise!…”

  He tumbles, topples down off the sack. Plonks himself back on his screwed-up pegs. He’s a bundle of energy now.

  “Well then, let’s hit the road!… I’m leaving with you!…”

  “OK then, we’re off!”

  Let’s move it!… Don’t want any second thoughts. Pépé’s still standing in the doorway with the kid, all lovey-dovey… She wants him to go back inside, he doesn’t want to!… They’re squabbling over whose fault…

  “Oh!” she goes. “You taking off?…”

  She’s real surprised.

  “Out of the way! We’ll be back!…”

  We push her aside, and quick!… Ah! I forgot the old man’s pipes! He specifically reminded me to bring them… Never mind, I’ll come back! I was in too big a rush!… Ah! I got a kick out of my fine hoax! The nipper didn’t suspect a thing… I had a nice little plan in store for him… once outside I’d ditch him… I had it all worked out… The time it took for him to find us again would at least give us a little break… two or three days… a short breather… had to ditch him, and how… ah! But no violence… had to come up with some ploy… So we’re off on our way. We reached Aldgate right at the tram intersection… He starts wobbling… stops… and then he’s back to his bullshit again…

  “Get lost, kiddo, you’re conning me!” he lashes out! “Minister shminister! This is one big set-up! I’m heading back!”

  “Ah! Look here, you rotten bastard, keep moving!”

  I pull him, push him. Can’t let him slip through my fingers, fucking hell!…

  “Don’t make a scene in the street, you hear me!…”

  Ah! I’m in a pissy mood. He grumbles, starts walking again. We cross back over the Strand. We can still see his chalk strokes on the asphalt… his Crystal Palace… his Eiffel Tower… They held fast despite all the rain… Colours still bright and vivid… He’s puffed up over his job.

  “You see, kiddo! You see! It’s not junk!”

 
; Quite right, I congratulate him.

  Ah! Here we are in front of Whitehall… the long buildings… we look around… keep looking… find the War Office. I stop him under the street lamp.

  “You wait for me here, Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! Just stand here and wait! Stay put! Don’t you move!”

  Ah! What a drag in his opinion… He’d like to come along too. I insist.

  “You wait for me here, and no questions!… I won’t be a minute up there… I’ll come down and get you… Got to let them know there’s two of us! Make sure you don’t leave!…”

  He wants to come along anyway, he protests… I shut my ears, get cracking… Head first through the revolving door… hustle down the hallways!… Charging along!… Here’s the stairway!… Up in a flash! The doorman stops me!…

  “Inventions, please…”

  I beat him to the question…

  “Inventions? Room 72!”

  Hustle! Hustle! I run smack into somebody! I chicken out! Make up for lost time! Off again! Seventy-two! Bam bam! I knock! “Enter!” comes the answer… Here at last! Walls, desk, signs everywhere… and posters, colours, “Gas Mask Trials”… Don’t have to strain your brain to understand… This is the place, all right!… The bearded doorman hands me a flyer… the contest rules… I understand pronto… Gas Mask Trials… They’ll be held at Willesden… all the details…

  “Thank you! Thank you!”

  Now, back on my way! Whoosh! So long! Down the other side! What if Tuhwheep! Tuhwheep! followed me?… And I land smack into him! Oh man, you should have seen me tearing along, ripping down the stairs!… I’m setting the carpet on fire! I race in the opposite direction… it must come out on St James’s Park… I spot the trees way at the other end of the hallways… I’m just racing like hell!… Doors, doors, endless doors!… Charging along another stretch… two flights… scrambling down the whole way… like a whirlwind I hit the turnstile… come out the other end! I did it! Here are the trees!… Ah! I take a breath! Whew! Nobody!… The bastard! I screwed that dumb fuck good! Flitter around, you stinking gimp! Ah! The eagle eye! Old fart! What a riot!… Bye-bye, butterfly!… A number-17 bus! I jump on board!… I’d give anything to pop back to the Strand just for a peek at his face! Ah! The sucker! The jerk! I’m enjoying the thought!… I’m having a blast in the breeze up on this double-decker… I breathe in, let it out!… Ah! The nasty stoolie… Mustn’t run into him again… Cos he’s a tough, vindictive SOB… Man, that character was mule-headed as hell!