London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “I’m going to kill him. I don’t want him kissing you any more!” I announce to her in French and English… and I don’t want her laughing! she does anyway… busts out loudly… I’m not concocting anything, this is definitely definite… that old son of a bitch is laying his hands on her… plus what else is he doing besides? Tell me, you wily devil! And not just that he does “things”! Tell me everything! She doesn’t want to tell me anything, she giggles, wriggles… ah! My little honey buns! You’re pushing me too far! Ah! My slick cagey chickadee! Ah! The hussy! I’m sure she loves the old guy deep down… she goes nuts when he paws her… Ah! I get so jealous I could howl with tears…

  “You like it, don’t you? You like it?”

  Does she even understand me? She won’t hold still, waving her arms around, going “Bzz! Bzz! Bzz!” at me. She’s ribbing me – this dumb galoot with his ludicrous barking! Must be how she sees me… And so what about you! You cunning, depraved little bitch!… That’s how I see her… If I’m ornery obnoxious it’s all her fault… All she needs do is give me an answer! Ah! Then I won’t be able to bawl her out any more… I run out of steam, I babble, rave, start crying again… all my anger peters away… I’ve lost heart… I’m washed out… I collapse… throw myself at her feet once more… Here we go for another round… Once more I beg her forgiveness a thousand times… what a fine way to act… rolling around the rug! I beg her, for pity’s sake!… I grovel!… I plead with her… I don’t know which way to turn any more!

  “Mademoiselle, I’m unspeakable!… You’re just a child! Virginia, I’m asking your forgiveness… I’ve taken advantage of your youth!… Ah! I’m fit to be hanged! I’m the monster! Virginia! Please! Please! You’re going to understand me! You’re so very young, so very darling… I’m suffocating with a secret! I’m on fire and my wounds are killing me!”

  Play it up, pour it on thick! I want to see a flood of tears… she’s got to hear about all my woes, big and small… and all the threats, everything hanging over my head… plus all the hard knocks I’ve been through… she listens, she’s nice, but it doesn’t bring her around… I even think she’s sort of poking fun at me… a twinkle of mischievousness… kids this young are callow… I start my whole story over from the top, all my battle mishaps… naturally I stretch the truth a little… it would have done the trick pretty well, hooked her… but now it’s the other pair drowning me out… the madhouse Vulcans upstairs… whaling away so hard it sounds like they’re pounding the walls to dust… their pandemonium’s terrifying… they must be heaving everything into the forge to guess from the din they’re making… no way she can be listening to me…

  All my efforts down the drain…

  “How about if we step out for a moment? Please be so kind, Mademoiselle! I’ll tell you everything… Not here…”

  She’s a kid but, even so, such poise already! Such bearing, such boldly sculpted thighs! I can see her now, she still dazzles me… That’s where you judge what the animal’s made of, in the tuning fork of the crotch… the way it vibrates against the ground with each stride… the music of the body… the irresistible music…

  She leads the way, runs ahead, I step as quickly as I can… We’re in the garden… a child, a little girl, a dream… what graceful strides! What impishness in her smallest gestures… Ah! I’m completely bewitched! A creature lost between heaven and earth… Muddy, cruddy, I adore you!… I slither, wallow! Down in my ooze I cherish you!

  Whatever can I be thinking in the end? How can I be kidding myself this way? What kind of sap am I acting like? What sort of sucker? Ah! I get a hold of myself! In a flash! So she doesn’t give a damn! That Little Miss Fidget! Just wait till you see what a sly old fox I can be! What, drop dead over something like this! Ah! Make no mistake! Just the opposite: I want to live! To live ten times! A hundred times! A thousand times over! One happy fella! For your beautiful gaze! Under your beautiful eyes, my asshole! Ten, a hundred lifetimes, and a lucky devil! In order to worship you all the more, my spellbinding charmer! But all my thrashing around scares her off… all this teeter-tottering so close to the deep end…

  Ah! I want to be tortured to death!… Please, stab a knife through my heart!… Quivering!… Throbbing! Bleeding all for you!… I want my suffering to be excruciating!… Go ahead, trample on my heart for your own personal kick!… My martyrdom!… I want to be drawn and quartered under your eyes!… Damned!… Begging for mercy, putty in your hands!… On second thoughts, no! Not when you really come down to it! Hell, no! Too much stupid crap over such a rotten kid like her! A kid who doesn’t give a damn – I’m not that blind! She’s having fun, that’s all, she’s fanning the flames… What love! My adorable fairy, no less! What is she doing running away? Abandoning me? Well then, it’s all over, I sink down, my heart breaks, I disappear… Dumb hick! Clumsy ox! Clod! You’re going to scare her! Will you ease up a little on your adoration! Ah! Cross my heart! I’ll stop scaring her!… And yet I really ought to tell her the whole story… she’s got to listen to me!… All my secrets… all the dirty details… beware, little girl!… I’ve got some terrible confessions to make… mysteries that go on and on!… Ah! Meaning that I’m the one who starts trembling because I’m going to let the cat out of the bag… Buffoon! Dithering and shaking in your boots worse in this garden of sweet affection than in the gales of Flanders… under the barrage of squalling shrapnel… ah! See how a person can tremble, my beauty!… How my heart dances in my chest!… Shaking me up all over, head, legs, eyes… so badly I don’t know what the hell I’m seeing or doing any more!… I don’t know how to get a grip on myself any more!… Everything all around gives way, I’m staggering… my heart bolts off! Gallops! Races! A dizzying blur closes in around me… stabbing chills zigzag through me, I’m shivering… my beloved’s gaze clouds over… I blank out… ah! But I was holding her by the arm! Whatever was I thinking! Here she is, my dearest darling!… Very delicately… and such laughter!… and here I’d barely grazed her… totally tongue-tied with devotion… We were walking from one lane to the other, me woozy with happiness, fervour, fear… the small birds flittering past made us giddy with their chirps… high with spring fever… all the daffodils on the lawn were dancing in the breeze… There’s the pristine picture… Springtime in London is a fragile business, the damp sun laughs through its tears… the peach trees in blossom blaze pink… a bunny over there in the grass… escapes, dashes off!… Virginia charges after it, catches, lifts it in her arms, kisses it… carries it away with her… ah! I’m jealous!… All at once, awful! Murderous! I’m jealous of everything! Of the sky! Her uncle! The lawn! The bunny! The air wafting through her hair!… She’s barely listening to me… she can’t hear me any more… I’d like her to give me a kiss too!… All the tender loving care goes to the bunny! Ah! Hell! This kid’s working on my nerves with her precious fussing! Snotnose! Got to sit down first chance… I’m completely pooped, all done in… She’s wearing me out with her pranks! My ear’s acting up again, buzzing away! And what whistling! What drumming! Exploding jets of steam! A factory at full blast! All the pots and pans in my head rattling away! I’m a raging hurricane and I can’t hear a thing… I’m in a bad way because of my ear… not to mention my arm! And my ribs!… The child’s clueless!… After holding out for two-three hours I’m done in, done in… I lag behind the rest of the world… I lag behind… hang on as best I can… no act either, not a put-on, I’m drained to the last drop, and that’s that… I collapse… plop! I look like I’m bitching and moaning… Ah! I’d love to run!… I can’t even lift a finger… Come on, let’s go… over there… the bench under the trees!… I whine splutter!… Virginia, honey! Virginia by my side! Ah! I hold her back because otherwise she’d take off!… There’s a nip in the air… the damp breeze sends a chill through us… I want to shelter her from the gust, can’t have her shivering! I want to lend her my jacket… she’s got to accept, goddamn it!… The shirt off my back for her… I’ll shiver for her… the breeze is treacherous!… I want
to warm her up with my heat… Ah! But she refuses! She won’t hear another word about it!… She wants to shiver in her blouse… I’ll warm her up anyway, goddamn it! I palm her two small tits, hold them, so hard so pointy, it’s true she’s cold… she wriggles around but nicely… her clear, cheerful, ringing laughter puts me on top of the world… there I sit in sheer delight, beaming with joy… ah! How darling she is… a sweetheart! I thought some awful things that’s all!… I’m dreadful, an ornery old turd… now she’s laughing at me… everything’s all right! I’m even cured… hardier than ever!… I’m in heaven!… Bursting with happiness… never mind! Never mind! I’m flying out of whack! Wherever I look I see nothing but blue… I can see the angels!… I see the good Lord on his cloud… a thick enormous cloud… he wishes me well too!… He, Virginia and I, an affectionate threesome! I’m back loving her, kiss her most of all… I give them both a great big smooch… ah! This is no ordinary celebration… I dance with her, with him… and now the angels!… They farandole after each other from one cloud to the next… we all love each other… the whirling makes me woozy… I keep rising higher, travelling farther… it’s like back in Greenwich… here we go, it’s starting all over again!… It’s not Delphine any more, or Claben… now it’s the Big Guy over there on his cloud… not Boro any more, but the Man in the White Beard… They’re going to start playing their atrocious tricks on me again!… Giving me hallucinations!… Got to get away! Farther away, farther away… got to take off!… I’m beating it, kid! I clear out dodging through the banks of mist… soaring along at top speed… Ah! But I spin around… sail along upside down… snarl myself up! Somersaulting! Tailspinning!… I’m going down! I try grabbing out… hold on to your hat! I yell, my shout catches in my throat… Virginia! Virginia! Help me! Ah! A close call! By a hair! I was off on one of my dizzy spells…

  I’d blacked out… Good thing she was there… she hadn’t abandoned me… on the same bench… in the same garden… Ah! I could see it all again!… I was prone to fainting fits… she realized this… she’d seen me close my eyes… I didn’t let go of her hand! Ah! No way! Not for one second… Right away I go back to my old tune… still pretty sick from my dizzy spell… back to bending her ear about how she’s got to understand me… know every last detail of my ordeal…

  “Virginia, I’ve committed crimes… I was forced to!… I shouldn’t be telling you, of all people! I’m going to scare you… it’s also my head that’s to blame… you saw with your own eyes what a bad way I’m in, right?… I can murder again in the same exact way… Aren’t you scared?… My folks aren’t like this! Ah! It doesn’t run in the family… it’s because of the war!” I explained to her… “Ah! If only you knew them… especially my mother! And don’t forget my father! Have I ever given them a load of heartache! Ah! Don’t think I’m not remorseful!…”

  It all came spewing out… She had kind eyes for me but was totally in the dark… I ran back through the whole song-and-dance in English… from first word to last… same result… she didn’t catch on… what I was trying to say meant nothing to her, the poor dear… nothing to a darling little girl like her… She understood that this was the stuff of adventure movies, horrible stuff… but I just wasn’t a scary sort of guy… she couldn’t see me as one of life’s tragic victims…

  “Why remorse?”

  What a question!

  “Well, what about me robbing your uncle? Your good uncle, so good to us both! Whose mercury I swiped! Isn’t that ghastly? Isn’t that frightful?… And plus lots and lots of other stuff… a thousand times more criminal!…”

  I paint a wildly black picture of myself… it didn’t disturb her.

  “But so what did you actually do?”

  Ah! Dumb kid! I’d best keep my mouth shut. She definitely doesn’t understand a single word. And what if I pumped her for some info about the masks… Maybe she’s more in the know?…

  “The masks, Virginia?… Your uncle?… Does he believe in them? Does he, deep down, just between us?… Or is it one big joke?”

  “Oh, you know Uncle! He’s one for having a good time!… He always likes inventions!”

  She doesn’t know any more than that… what interests her is her bunny… sitting on her lap, nibbling… nibbling its own muzzle, what looks to be its tiny nose… its little nib of a nose quivering like crazy… She imitates it, down to a T… she wants me to do it too… Ah! She’s unbearable!… She doesn’t listen to anything… I’ve got to pop the big question… go on, for Christ’s sake!

  “Virginia! Virginia! For crying out loud! Do you want to marry me? I love you!…”

  I’m dumbfounded… I blurted it out in one breath… didn’t even recognize my own voice… goes to show how off the top of my head it was… I sit there staring wide-eyed… She doesn’t answer a word… keeps up her little game… Ah! I’ve got to take another shot at it!

  “Virginia! Virginia! I adore you!”

  I take her hand firmly… then right before our eyes something extraordinary happens, a marvellous wonder there in front of us… Or rather in the stretch between us and the trees… My memory’s picture perfect… it all happened like on some stage… Enter Happiness! Literally blazing, brightening… Never saw anything like it! An enormous bush of fire! And what flames of radiance! Green, shot through with pink, shimmering… with a few blossoms of yellow-blue light sprinkled in the branches… The whole bush of fire is throbbing… like me… I’m throbbing in rhythm with the roses… and now other fragrances reach us… a sort of petal essence tickling our noses… full of sweetness, charm… the sweetest rose scent wafts past, intoxicates us… what ecstasy! In raptures… gaga… dazed… totally beside ourselves with happiness!… Ah! But dark clouds are about to roll in… I can spot them in the distance… I’m shivering… No! No! I’m fascinated by the fire’s burning glow, its heat… I squint into it!… Before the cold settles in I want to burn up in the heart of the blazing miracle… I leap headlong inside, flail around, the flames envelop me, sweep me off, up among them, with the tenderest touch, wildly whirling! I’m fire!… My whole being is light!… Myself miracle!… I can’t hear anything any more!… I’m rising!… Moving through the skies!… Ah! This is too much!… I’m a bird!… Twirling about!… A firebird!… Who knows what!… It’s hard to resist!… I howl with pleasure… I saw happiness before my eyes in the Colonel’s garden!… So I swear!… I saw the bush consumed by flames!… I’m repeating myself!… Don’t you think I know that!… Cos of my supernatural excitement!… Plus I don’t understand anything any more!… I reach forward a couple of inches with my right hand… I dare… I run the risk… I touch, graze… the fingers of my fairy child!… Of my rose, my marvellous darling!… Virginia!… I barely brush her… I lost my nerve!… Everywhere all around us… now crackling… a thousand fluttering sparks… graceful streamers of fire circling all around the trees!… It’s a festival… a festival of the skies… from one branch to another… trembling… joyful glittering daisies with open corollas… flaming camellias… blazing wisterias… bouquets rocking between bursts of music… the fairy chorus… the immense murmuring of their voices… the secret of the spells and smiles… The fire festival is in full swing!… The height of happiness!… Ah! I sat there so flabbergasted, so dumbfounded, so paralysed with love that I was afraid to take another breath… happy deep in my blood… I could hear it whipping around inside me, throbbing through my arteries… my blood in full celebration… throbbing… throbbing… my heart swelling… I’m on fire… all in flames, me too!… Dancing through space!… I cling to my capricious girl, my little devil, my darling, my torment, my life! I don’t want her to get away from me!

  “Virginia, my sweetheart!…” I beg her… “Virginia! Virginia! Please! I beseech you, my little sweetheart!… My little sweetheart!…”

  She’s an absolute sweetheart, that’s the truth! My own heart for the two of us!… She’s beating right here in my fingers!… Ah! Now I have a firm grip on her… I squeeze her right up against my ch
est… How I’m grabbing on to her! I’ll never let go! I’m happy!… The garden is closed for ever!… Forevermore we’re locked inside together!… Prisoners amid the lilacs, the roses!… The enchanted bushes hold us in their power!… Hold us back! Ah! Such grand happiness!… Fragrances! More and more fragrances!…

  “Virginia! Virginia!… My baby doll!… My dream!…”

  I want to rock her to sleep!… Until she closes her big eyes!… Sweet child, sweet child, this is happiness!… It’s right here!… Let’s go beddy-bye! Beddy-bye! I give her a few pecks… Keerrrash! All hell breaks loose again! What a God-awful din! Exploding over us! Coming from upstairs, from under the rafters… one hundred thousand out-of-tune old pianos pounded in a frenzy! There they go, they’re back at it! None other than our very own gorillas! The hideous racket!… Crashing, grinding, hammering against the windows! Whoosh! A spray of shards over the garden… Ah! My poor ears! My head’s mashed up! Oh, the clanking metal! They’re twice as loud, hell-bent! Virginia’s scared! I kiss her! I coddle her! I massage her, pat her thighs, throw myself at her knees… but the infernal ruckus sweeps down on us from way up! Earsplitting! From the roof, the skylights, a gang of hell-raising demons!… Up above, flying in tantrums… they’re moving out… it shakes me up too, infects me, rattles my nerves… I’m at loose ends… it wouldn’t have taken half as much… they piss me off again, I go totally berserk… I roar, yell twice as loud… hitch up Virginia’s skirt, attack her! Overpower her! Bite right into her thighs! Ah! The divine treasures of flesh! Light! Light! I’m fuming myself! It’s those two! Those two! They’re what’s feeding my fire! They just don’t quit! Slam, bang, clang! They’re pushing me over the edge! Driving me into a red-hot fury! Trashing everything! You bet there’s some huge discovery at the bottom of this! Some earth-shaking find! To explain such a bashing binge!… I lick Virginia, lap her up! All over! Her legs… her belly… that’s the truth! She laughs… laughs! She fidgets around, giggles… I suck at her thighs! This is over the line! She gets scared! Squeals! Tenses up! Why’s she afraid? I ask her… I don’t want her to be scared!… Easy does it there, my darling… Easy does it… She’s afraid of me, afraid I’ll growl… her big doggy of love! My sweetheart! My little sweetheart… I’m going to gobble you up! Swallow you down! Alive! I’m going to devour you!