London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  Was Sosthène ever pissed!…

  “Are you going to get some sleep, jerk?…”

  Ah! Wish I could have!… He called me every name in the book… Ten times in a row the same nightmare played itself out before the horror faded… and let me catch a few winks despite everything!… And I do mean a few!… Just an hour or two!… Maximum!… Honest, as room-mates go, I was a pain, I’d be the first to admit it, what with my jumping-awake, my nightmares, my screaming my head off, it mustn’t have been much fun for Sosthène… Plus my little girl who was finishing me off… driving me crazy with grief, and that sad little face… She was totally clueless, naive naturally, but self-centred… just a child!… She didn’t understand my concerns… she complicated everything… it’d have been best for her to leave… take off on her own… run away… Ah! I felt sure!… It would have settled the whole situation… That’s what was running through my mind as I lay there awake!… Lying awake in bed turns a man brutal… if not vindictive… merciless… A man trying to get some sleep is a monster, all he’s looking for is a nice warm womb, a child’s happiness, the entire earth just one big tummy for his head, he wants to crawl back inside all comfy-cosy.

  *

  They came up with yet another way to postpone the trials… for two weeks!… Their new announcement… They’d never make up their minds!… That’s what I thought. If the other gas-mask contestants were as batty as our crew, we were in for some fireworks!… They must have caught wind of this on Downing Street! The big reason they kept constantly bumping back the date!… They were hoping to wear everybody down… to put off the inventors… but there wasn’t a man alive who could discourage the Colonel… I’d bet my life on that… I was the lucky one in this deal… acted however I wanted to without a damn thing left to do… all my errands run… finished… not a single reason to bop around town… I could just sit back and read the papers… which I did… each and every one… with an eye out… for any small item… any little reminder… anything… about our “Greenwich tragedy”… Ah! Not a whisper!… Not a single syllable… as though nothing had ever happened!… The cops must have been cooking up something, that was my sneaking suspicion… Ah! I was on pins and needles!… Some plot was afoot… Had to be!…

  Meanwhile I did fuck all, and Sosthène watched me doing fuck all… It really pissed him off something fierce… Nose to the grindstone, that’s the way he wanted to see me… His broken record!… He wanted me to march upstairs and whack my fingers… hammering, filing, wire-drawing, slaving away at the machinery!… He wanted me to follow along and learn some chemistry!… Take a few whiffs of their carboys!… Ah! I was ready for him! Always the same tune! Ah! I blow my top!…

  “Cut it out! Remember what you said! You’re nuts! Didn’t you yourself tell me that it was over? That the war had wrapped up? Well, at least for all practical purposes!… And that you had turned the whole world on its head!… That it was just a matter of time, a few hours!… The first shall be last… with Goa running the show?… Ah! You’re not going to deny it, are you?… I didn’t make up any of this!… You’re not going to say it was a bunch of bull? Out with it, right now!…”

  Ah! Caught him with his pants down… Ah! I wasn’t going to let that fairy wiggle out of this one!…

  “Come on, you bullshit artist!… You liar!… You lousy scum!…” I raked him over the coals!…

  “Didn’t you swear to me honest to God so help me? You fed me your line and your rigmarole?… Don’t you remember any of it? How you swore on Pépé?… How you screwed up the whole works! The war and all the rest of it!… Remember the telephone? My drumsticks? How you even shit right on the Good Lord Himself?… You said so yourself! An end to all our misfortunes!… It’d just be a matter of days, you said!… So what am I going to learn by sniffing your gewgaws?… You just came right out and told me!… The masks are a waste of time!… I’ve already whiffed your cigarettes!… I keep running into these puff-puff setups like at Claben’s!… I’m a stove!… Is that what you want, Choubersky?”

  Ah! I thought he wound up throwing a hex on me!… That goddamned chicken-shit magician!… He was casting some sort of suffocating curse on me!… The nitwit! The dick! Ah! I was turning mean and nasty! He kept me in his sights… with his sidelong glances… It really put him out to see me wise up, all at once turn so suspicious about their little ploys.

  “I’m in the dark,” I repeated… “I’m in the dark!…”

  He muttered into his goatee… Too scared I’d smash his face in if he tried arguing back…

  “Come on! Open your mouth! Start blabbing! Let’s hear it!…” I was riding him hard… “Why’d you feed me a line?… You made me go nights without sleep! Hopping after your ghosts! Now you want me to kill myself!… Just come out and say it right now… You’re a bloodsucker!… Shit, come on! I’m waiting!…”

  Ah! That brought him to a boil… frothing over… percolating like crazy… then he finally blew his lid… hiccuping… spluttering!…

  “Sss-see here, Ferdinand! See here!… It’s me who’s saving your whole life! And I still am!… Don’t you realize?… The Colonel’s got one thing on his mind – slapping you behind bars! Think he’s blind or something? He keeps his mouth shut… But those are two different things!… He takes it out on me!… Tells me you’re not a damn bit of good around here!… Except to abuse a person’s trust!… You’re lazy… good-for-nothing!… A thief!… I tell him we should feel sorry for you… I do answer him back!… I calm him down as best I can!… I tell him you’re a victim of your war wounds… that you’re just a pathetic big mouth with a few screws loose!… Some blockhead cripple!… It barely holds him back!… He’s dying to finger you to the fuzz!… Ah! You know, I’ve got to pour it on!… Give it all I got!… Fight hard!… You better believe you’re an ungrateful bum!…”

  Well now, Colonel Shithouse O’Collogham sure took his time to figure out what I thought about him! The damned dirty asshole, the cuckolded piece of shit! That’s what I felt about the guy! Damned dirty scuzzball!… Along with Sosthène, what a perfect combo!… Such a grand revelation! Ah! What a stinking crew!… Ah! I’ll be damned! So the big secret’s out!… Why couldn’t the Colonel just tell it to me straight?… Shithouse O’Collogham!… Since he had me right here – mug to mug! – and was pitching into me… the scumbag!… Because of his ass-whipped niece and all that jazz!… Skeletons in the closet? He’d better watch out I don’t go shooting my mouth off! Jesus!… And tell about a few other things besides!… So much for my two fine-feathered friends!… So that was what was keeping them busy… up there in the scrap-metal shack… putting my ass through the wringer… dragging me through the mud!… Instead of working as they should!… I could see it all from here!… I ought to make myself useful again, give them a kick by smashing what was left of my fingers! Between the hammers, the anvils! Ah! Some balls!… A big joke!… But they meant business!… Backed up with threats!… Ah! I was all too well aware of that!… I had to dream up some plan!… Run for my life! And scram out of there!… So that I wouldn’t defile their domestic bliss with my vile presence one single second longer!… I had to clear off, and on the sly, you bet!… My good-for-nothing bum presence!… Ah! The prize bastards!… “No loafing!” Those were the Colonel’s words!… And that went for his niece too!… No quarter! Ah! One big happy family!… They had her climbing up to the rafters too! And getting down to some serious housework!… Everybody had to make themselves useful!… Work away in double-quick time! Triple-quick time!… That was the big watchword of the day!… A tenfold increase!… By order of Lord Curzon… the grand edict of King George!… Plastered on all the walls! On gigantic posters! Everything for Victory! “Increase your efforts tenfold!…” You can tell Mr George and Lord Curzon* didn’t have a pair of hands like mine… not to mention a head!… Ah! My only choice was to get the hell out of there, blow this hellhole. They wouldn’t quit till I dropped dead!… But once out on the street my troubles wouldn’t be over… the pigs on my as
s!… Taking off was a fine and dandy idea!… But where would my next meal come from?… I was in no condition to earn my keep!… Was I supposed to bust my butt on the docks? It’d be smarter for me to bide my time!… And put on a contrite look, and all that crap!… String them along like down at the War Office!… Drag out the situation… pull one over on the jerks… go into my “I don’t get it” act… Her uncle would have liked me to run away!… Ah! that’s for sure!… For me to get lost like a nice boy!… And keep my trap shut!… He mustn’t have been keen on big stinks!… Or on me shooting my mouth off about his whip!… Ah! No way, forget it, he’d have preferred me to slink away with my tail between my legs… hush-hush!… Just pack my bags and split!… And what if I kidnapped the little darling?… That’d give him something to cough about!… But out in the world I’d need to make ends meet! And it’d be a whole lot tougher if there were two of us!… Love, determination… it takes more than that! The most sensible course of action… the best of bad alternatives is to hang on to my meal ticket, fuck it all!… And not buckle under, goddamn it!… Tough it out!… Bring on lunch, I’m ready for you! Right here and now!… Sitting right across from them!… Not a sincere bone in my body!… And then I’ll charge up the stairs to the junk heap… do a knockout job for them!… Bang and rattle those pots and pans!… Keep faking them out!… And I’ll show some spirit, Christ Almighty!… No more bellyaching!… Lord George and Mr King and old Curzon had it easy!… Their much ballyhooed work!… Triple time!… They weren’t the ones working their fingers to the bone!…

  *

  I kept telling myself: let’s just take it easy, gain some time, snap back to health… Wait out the winter, the chilly season… Then the toughest part will be over… even without believing Sosthène’s rot, maybe this fucking war might actually end sooner than people thought!… Why not?… When hope’s in your heart you bullshit on the bright side… I’ll vamoose in the spring… Full steam ahead for Australia!… I had set my sights on Australia… There were gigantic posters all over Haymarket Square… Calling for young men down under… resolute… enterprising!… Here you go! I’m your man! Gotcha!… My bag of bones would go on the mend down under… I could picture myself just like the guy up there in the ad… the terrific-looking cowboy riding high on his spurs… proudly he showed Australia, a mouthwatering countryside of rich, lush greenery… dazzling in the sunshine!… Dappled with tulips and roses!… “Come live with us” it said on the poster… “Come live with us happily ever after!” Now that’s what I call an invite! One I intended to take up! And I mean all by my lonesome absolutely for sure! “After the war, come with us!” Now you’re talking!… Right away! Why not? Ah! The idea sounded better and better to me!… Ah! My brain was working overtime! That was the single chance in the future I could see for myself!… One fine morning I’d pack my trunk… and just slip away on the q.t.!… Ah! That was my gung-ho plan… that’s all I had left to keep my spirits up… to steel myself against the hard knocks… Hang in there!… Fight back against misfortune! Confront danger head on! Steadfast in the face of adversity!… I would go up to the rafters, hammer in nails, all in the name of order! My carefree days were a thing of the past!… Order – you were looking at him! the girl too!… She’d hand me the hammer! I’d smash my thumbs!… Even more order after that!… Like Delphine’s system back at Claben’s… An open space in the middle of the room… with valleys all around, all the gewgaws stacked up, the crap pushed out of the way in heaps… the old man kept a wary eye on me, he could see the big change, my enthusiasm, the way I poured it on, so different from the person he knew! Hunkering down to work! Ah! He thought there was something funny about me!… He kept trying to catch me and the girl by surprise… He’d pop up in the storeroom, the one where we washed and put away the crystal ware, the flasks, the pipettes… the kid rinsed, I dried… All of a sudden he’d be standing there in the doorway… catching big fat nothing by surprise… Let him drop in all he wanted!… Not the slightest little gesture!… Not a word… He was real cagey!… Oh man, was he ever!… The lousy bastard!… He’d have just loved for me to do something like that!… The ornery jealous scumbag… would’ve loved to catch me feeling her up… red-handed!… That would have made his day!… He’d have been in seventh heaven!… He’d have turned me over to the fuzz!… You better believe it!… The brainless filthy-mouthed bum! The sex-crazy bastard with his thing for little girls! No way to avoid the cat-o’-nine-tails! They wouldn’t miss their chance down at the Police Court! Ah! What a terrific motive! The Colonel’s very own niece! Ah! Just let me show up at the right time acting like some little punk! Ah! Would I ever be in for a dose of morality! Ah! I’d pay for everything! They’d skin me alive! Christ, and how! In less than five! Than two! Than zero seconds flat!… Phew! A fiasco!… Ah! Got to keep my eyes peeled at all times! Ah! Wary as hell! A regular old bristling porcupine, that’s me, real simple! Ah! Let him drop in as much as he wanted! Pop up right out of the woodwork, etc. That’s how he’d find me!… Not three words out of my mouth… not even two to the girl!… I acted like I didn’t know her any more!… Even when we were alone together, all the way back in the workshop… I pretended not to see her… an uptight fathead!… I could hear her heaving sighs… Ah! No funny business! No soft spots! Thick-skinned, hardheaded, dead set!… While pottering away I couldn’t get Australia off my mind!… I’d go “Huhmm-Huhmm…” whenever she spoke to me… just a grumble… I couldn’t understand a word out of her mouth any more… But my mind was running like wild… storms raging inside… topsy-turvy, a total wreck, migraines, my temples exploding… I was ready to start wailing in remorse, bursting with reproaches, memories, words… all the stuff blaring through my head… the golden rules of the Leicester gang… all of which I’d broken… the lines those pimps used to spout… all running back through my bean… all their big no-nos… Tried-and-true wisdom!… “Don’t go hunting pussy in families! Nothing but headaches from start to finish! Stick to pubs for your skirt-chasing! Bars with broads! No screwing unless you’re out on a bender! Don’t go looking for bad luck!” Acting too big for your britches will do a guy in! And that’s just what happened to me! Too big for my britches! And I’d got my comeuppance! Because where did I go sticking my nose? All! I can’t believe I did something that dumb! A society kid! Ah! Smart thinking! I got just what I damn well deserved! Ah! Their words were all coming back to me! Ah! I shouldn’t have stuck my finger in the pie! The pimps at the Leicester were right, my lady-killer act just sucked me down deeper!… I’d never get out now!… Me of all people, who’s not hot to trot, at least not for sex, not really, I’ll come right out and admit it. Where was my fucking head at, snatching the niece away from Mr Forty Lashes! Uncle Fetish!… Ah! You can’t get any dumber!… Goddamn it to hell!… Saving my own neck, just mine! Now there’s a plan of action! And not let myself get suckered in again!… She was heartbroken!… Tough! It was a mistake! Ah! I wouldn’t bring it up any more! She could heave her sighs all by her lonesome! I had my own headaches too, and a thousand times worse!… Not some piddling chicken-shit disappointments!… My soft-hearted days were over!… I’d get the life whipped out of me! With the police whip! The cat-o’-nine-tails! You’re history, screwy eyes! A damn dumb mistake! Totally cracked, you poor bastard! Even now I couldn’t even shut my eyes any more with all my big-time worries! So, little girl, go ahead, keep whining! Ah! I puked it all back up! It got me so down in the end I felt like cracking her across the face with all her blubbering!… Over there rinsing out the implements!… Ah! I couldn’t stand her any more! She sniffled out her tears!… Boo-hoo-hoo! Go ahead and pout, you filthy brat!… I was sick and tired of my destiny!… I was getting like Sosthène!… My destiny, yech!… I had to get myself a new one! Swipe a destiny! Something new, Christ Almighty!… My old deadbeat destiny could go and get fucked! My bullshit destiny! To hell with it! Now what I wanted was something nice and cushy! Something comfy-cosy, a piece of cake! Thanks to hanging out with wizards I was starting to pick
up a thing or two! To feel a few mystical vibes myself! Ah! I was starting to become the perfect man for the job! The star you’re born under means everything, as they say! The star of the English is world renown! I’d have liked one just like theirs… I saw lots of Englishmen… I didn’t know how they managed to catch that star of theirs… make it shine on them so comfy-cosy… whether they cast their spells with some belly dance like Sosthène!… Whatever, it worked!… I saw English boys loafing about all over the place… lots my age… who had unbelievably cushy lives!… Those English boys… cricket… rowing… football… toys… and gussied up like princes and tarts, their minds all on their complexions and flirting over bridge… so you can see what was working on my brain… jealousy… maybe I was in a bad mood, obsessed!… But wherever I looked I saw people who had it easy… of course there were soldiers!… I didn’t give a damn about them! I’d have liked to see them kick off one and all!… For my money, even the soldiers were born under a lucky star!… Coddled little darling destinies!… Considering what I was forced to do!… To live through some pretty raw deals! Shit! It was all because of my rotten luck! Destiny matters! On that score, Sosthène saw as good as gold! I needed to find some way to change my zodiac sign! Taurus! Any old thing, and fast! I needed to arm myself with esoteric weapons! This immediately fired me all up!… Being bored shitless for endless eternity gave me some big insights… just standing there rinsing out glassware, I thought about my fate!… With my nose in the tub… plunging in the pipettes, the test tubes… splattering around… going about things the wrong way!… Splashing water all over the place… wasn’t too dextrous… but I was serious on the job, no kidding!… Didn’t lift my nose from the grindstone! All wrapped up, all business… no clowning around!… The kid was on edge, hovering around me… coming… going… she’d have liked to talk to me… Didn’t matter!… “Hummhumm… Huhmmum!…” I was just some uncouth, klutzy sourpuss splashing around in my dirty water… without a naughty thought in my head!… Grub… beddy-bye… and that’s that! I chewed over my plan… said some kind of prayers for my destiny to change… Ah! the idea haunted me… At night that’s all I could think about… a wild man… twisting and turning in my bed… since I still had such a hell of a time sleeping because of my ears, the sprays of steam… Ah! You better believe me when I say I suffered!… I didn’t do any belly dances like Sosthène, the Brahman bump and grind of the Three Graces!… I thought it was goofy… but I mumbled burning oaths to turn my luck around… maybe such things existed?… Maybe some good wind will blow my way before all my awful troubles snuff the life right out of me?… I wish my stars would get a move on!… This wasn’t some heavy-duty spell, but still it would get me out of my jam in one terrific way!… I wasn’t so very big for my britches, I wasn’t the one who wanted to topple Christ himself after all!… I didn’t want the Pope to die! I just wanted some little way out, some escape hatch… for the bogeyman to quit bogeying me body and soul! For everybody to leave me the hell alone… Just grab my suitcase and Australia here I come! To shake the jinx of my existence! That’s not asking for the moon!… My new life would be a cinch, no ifs ands or buts, I’d just have to stay on my toes, keep nimble… and not lug packages around!… Ah! I knew the score! Dump my baby doll!… Make like lightning… a mad dash!… With no cargo on my ass!… Set sail!… Shake off the rotten crew!… Claben and his cohorts!… Spazzed-out Sosthène!… That Fuzz Fatale, Matthew! Ah! I had visions of myself breathing free and easy once and for all!… A happy-go-lucky fellow! On easy street! Ah! My imagination was really running away with me!… I beat everybody else to bed!… I would get all fired up even in my sleep!… I hallucinated through the buzzing in my brain. Ah! It was one hell of a job! I’ll admit that!… You got to work up a full head of steam… I’d leave the table before dessert… With apologies… my headache… Wasn’t just an excuse… I’d reached my limit, I’d had it… I didn’t want to be whacked out any more… just wanted to chew the cud… hit the hay… and meditate… just like that nestled deep in my pillow, all by my lonesome!… Sosthène lingered late downstairs… He kept the old man company… Sosthène, a guy who supposedly stuck to H2O, champion of the mystic vibes!… He’d forgotten his vows!… They’d both turn in late, belching, laughing, loaded to the gills… cherry brandy, whisky, gin fizzes… and champagne… Bip!… Bop!… I could hear the corks popping!… Their discussions were upbeat… Sosthène was learning English… learning “Victory!… Victory!…” How to belt it out like that… I didn’t disturb them… drinking themselves under the table, stewing in their cat piss… nice way for them to while away the time… and forget all about me… The girl must have been in her room… As for me, thoughts of the future were giving me the shakes!… The whole bed was rattling my nerves were so frayed… with intense, burning apprehension! How was I going to escape from these two goofballs? I thought hard on my pillow through all the buzzing, the whistling steam, the whole shebang exploding in my head, roaring, hissing… a hell-raising racket!… My cracked head!… Ah! That din!… Ah! Did I ever work my ass off trying to get some shut-eye!…