Domination & Submission:
The BDSM
Relationship Handbook
by
Michael Makai
Copyright © 2013 Michael Makai
All rights reserved.
Dedication
This book is for the people who are simply tired of pretending to be something or someone they are not, and are ready for a change.
Table of Contents
PREFACE
Don’t Read This Book
Chapter 1: The Dominant
What is a Dominant?
Introspection
Training a Dominant
What Kind of Dominant Would You Be?
Types of Dominants
Peeking Into My Head
My Two Cents on Being a Dominant
Chapter 2: The Submissive
What is a Submissive?
Introspection
The Gift of Submission
Total Power Exchange
Types of Submissives
My Two Cents on Submission
Chapter 3: The Switch
Introspection
Types of Switches
My Two Cents on Switches
Chapter 4: The Primal
What is a Primal?
Michael Makai’s PRIMAAL Analysis
How Primal Are You?
Primal Preferences
Primal Scenes
Primal Instincts
My Two Cents on Primals
Chapter 5: Online BDSM Relationships
Spotting an Online BDSM Phony
Challenges
The Virtual Line
The Reality Behind the Avatar
Where Is It Going?
Improving the Odds
Warning Signs
The Rewards
My Two Cents on Online BDSM Relationships
Chapter 6: The Collar
What is a collar?
Symbolism of the Collar
Types of Collars
Slave Contracts
Your Collar, Your Commitment
My Two Cents on Collars
Chapter 7: The Gorean Way
What is a Gorean?
What Do Goreans Really Believe?
The Gorean Slave
The Gorean Collar
Categories of Collars
Collaring, the Gorean Way
Gor in Real World Relationships
My Two Cents on Gor
Chapter 8: The First Meeting
Types of First Meetings:
Practical Considerations
First Meetings: Sheila’s Story
Safety Precautions
After The Meeting
My Two Cents on First Meetings
Chapter 9: BDSM Toys & Safety
Toy Tips
Types of BDSM Toys & Equipment
Bondage Gear
Impact Gear
Piercing, Scarification & Branding
Sensation Play & Sensory Deprivation
Role Play Accessories
BDSM Furniture
BDSM Toys “R” Us
My Two Cents on BDSM Toys
Chapter 10: BDSM Groups & Activities
Customs and Protocols for a Munch
Things You Should Do
Things You Shouldn’t Do
Customs and Protocols for a Play Party
How to Find a Local BDSM Group
My Two Cents on BDSM Munches
Chapter 11: Sex, Love, D/s, & BDSM
Mistaking BDSM for Sex
Mistaking Love for BDSM
Mistaking BDSM for D/s
Lessons Learned
My Two Cents on Sex, Love, and BDSM
Chapter 12: Polyamory
Group Marriage and Polygamy
Potential Advantages of a Poly Relationship
Potential Pitfalls of a Poly Relationship
If You’re Not Poly
Poly Glossary
My Two Cents on Polyamory
Chapter 13: D/s, BDSM, & Religion
D/s and Judaism: Could Lead to Mixed Dancing
D/s and Islam: Keep Your Clothes On
D/s and Buddhism: Sensual Misconduct
D/s and Hinduism: You Can’t Do It Wrong
D/s and Paganism: Do What Thou Wilt
D/s and Christianity: Similitudes of Submission
Filling a Void
My Two Cents on D/s and Religion
Chapter 14: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
The D/s Break-up
Avoiding the Train Wreck
My Two Cents on What Can Go Wrong
Chapter 15: Rainbows & Unicorns
My Two Cents on Happiness
Appendix A: Glossary
Appendix B: Silly Shit Mike Makai Says
Appendix C: About the Author
All people dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind, wake in the morning to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people, for they dream their dreams with open eyes, and make them come true.
D. H. Lawrence
PREFACE
Don’t Read This Book
By that, I mean don’t just read this book. Please ponder it. Question it. Study it. Get mad about it. Laugh at it. Laugh with it. Use it. Abuse it. Talk about it. Recommend it. Criticize it. Burn it. Gift it. Pass it along to a friend. Do something with it.
This book is for those who may be either curious about the Domination/submission lifestyle, or find themselves suddenly a part of it, and needful of information to fill the gaps in their knowledge and experience. Though written from the admittedly highly subjective perspective of a male heterosexual Dominant with over thirty years of real-life experience in D/s relationships, great pains have been taken to apply a modicum of objectivity to the endeavor.
It’s probably important to state up-front that there is, always has been, and always will be a great deal of controversy both in and outside of the D/s lifestyle about many of the topics discussed in this book. Frankly, there is barely any consensus even on the question of whether Domination/submission constitutes a “lifestyle” at all. Opinions on that particular question range from the one extreme of classifying it as a mental disorder and aberration, to the other of elevating it to the status of a faux religion or divine truth. The reality can be found somewhere in the mushy middle, where this lifestyle is simply a choice between consenting adults on one of the most important aspects of any relationship dynamic. We’re talking, of course, about the essential question: who is really in charge and what, exactly, does that mean?
Note the very specific wording. When we say “really” in charge, we’re acknowledging a dirty little secret about human relationships in general. Quite often – perhaps more often than we care to admit – the person who thinks he or she is in charge, really isn’t. We will discuss that and similar topics at length later in the book. Many of these questions will open a large can of worms that, frankly, many people would prefer to keep closed and tucked away somewhere cool and dark.
We will also be exploring in depth a question that I consider to be the core issue that is at the heart of the Domination/submission lifestyle. That question is: Is D/s who you are, or is it something that you do? If you have not yet asked yourself that question, and come up with an acceptable answer, you may be getting just a little ahead of yourself in your quest for knowledge about the lifestyle. For the purposes of this book, we will treat Domination/submission as a mindset and relationship dynamic; certainly an important aspect of who you are. As we explore further the mechanics of what one does in this lifestyle, we will attempt
to consistently refer to that as BDSM, or Bondage Discipline Sadism and Masochism.
Why should it be important to make the distinction? Consider the fact that most people who are D/s at their core do not want to spend the rest of their lives with someone who considers it a Saturday night kink that can be discarded on a whim at some point in the future. Imagine the horror of a submissive who wakes up one morning to discover that the Dominant she depends upon and worships as Lord and Master has suddenly decided it’s his turn to be the submissive. Unfortunately such things can, and do, happen with annoying regularity in the lifestyle.
I consider Domination/submission to be what happens in your head and heart. It’s all about how you love, and how you express that love. BDSM is more about what physically happens between you and your partner or playmates. It’s something you do. Is there often a certain degree of overlap? Of course there is, all the time. In fact, for most people, the more overlap the better. But there are also relationships where they can be completely separate, and some people happen to like it that way. The stereotypical 1950’s television sitcom marriage that portrayed the husband as king of his castle, and his spouse as a stay-at-home submissive housewife who fretted about “ring around the collar” is probably a good portrayal of how D/s can exist without BDSM.
How do you know whether you’re dominant or submissive at your core? The odds are actually pretty good that you are neither and, frankly, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. The great majority of human beings that inhabit this planet comprise the 80% or more who have an equitable mixture of both dominant and submissive tendencies. Perhaps 10% have inherently dominant personalities, and another 10% submissive personalities. One should always be careful about assuming that a person’s career choices or relationship dynamics reflect or define their core personality. Quite often, submissive people are thrust into jobs and relationships that require them to function in a dominant role. That’s not to say they find joy or fulfillment in it. Just because someone may be good at being dominant doesn’t necessarily mean they have to like it. The same sort of thing happens to dominant people who are required to function as subordinates at work or in relationships.
We’ll discuss various ways to help a person to determine their core D/s personality type elsewhere in this book. As a general rule of thumb, the mere fact that you may be uncertain and questioning about your role probably places you in that not-so-rare category that I like to call “normal.” Most people are perfectly comfortable assuming either role, depending on the needs and appropriateness of the given situation. A hard-wired or true Dominant knows no other way to be, and is often profoundly uncomfortable assuming the role of a submissive, under any circumstances. Similarly, a hard-wired or true submissive would sooner cut off her right arm than have to take on a dominant role. If neither of those reactions sounds very familiar to you, then you’re probably like most people, meaning you fall somewhere between those two extremes.
If BDSM is a growing sexual fascination for you, or simply an opportunity for you and your partner to try something new and exciting, that’s perfectly okay. You can learn a lot from this book, and adopting some BDSM interests and techniques can definitely be a healthy and deliciously kinky way to spice up what otherwise might be a pretty routine sex life. It is important, however, to know the difference between a kink and a lifestyle, and to be honest about that with your potential partners.
The Domination/submission lifestyle, like any other lifestyle choice, can be a complex yet rewarding way to live if you and your potential partner(s) are guided by similar values, follow familiar protocols, and share the same vision. Conversely, your experience with the lifestyle can end up being a train wreck if you fail to take inventory of your own capacity to live in a D/s relationship, as well as your tolerance levels for the great diversity of expression you’ll encounter from others in this lifestyle.
A Domination/submission relationship can be as comforting as a warm blanket or as frightening as an unexpected encounter with a knife-wielding stranger in a dark alley. It can be uplifting and empowering, or it can be abusive and dangerous. It can bring great joy into your life, or tremendous sadness. Ultimately, it will be whatever you and your partner make of it. If you fail, it won’t be because there is something wrong with the lifestyle. It will be because you were inadequately prepared to live it.
That is why you should fully understand what you’re getting into, why you’re doing it, and whether you are suited for it. It is only after those key questions have been answered, that you should be at all concerned with whether or not you might be any good at it.
A final caveat, which I feel compelled to make before you read much further, would be to explain my conscious decision to dispense with the practice of footnoting all factoids and their sources. I am a firm believer in the words of financial wizard Bernard Baruch, who once quipped, "Every man has a right to his own opinion, but no man has a right to be wrong in his facts." I have gone to great lengths to be as meticulous as possible in researching and validating the facts, statistics and data that I’ve cited in this book. I’ve also shared many of my personal opinions and anecdotes, which I always attempt to identify as such. The controversial topic and treatment of my first book, published in 2012 under a pseudonym, taught me an extremely valuable lesson. That book was painstakingly researched, heavily footnoted, and meticulously researched from the most credible and authoritative sources available. In the end, that simply didn’t matter.
Readers who were predisposed to agree with my world-view ignored the thirty-plus pages of footnotes. Conversely, readers who held differing views from mine seemed all too willing and eager to automatically dismiss any source of data that supported an opposing point of view as being non-credible. Consequently, the notes which were provided as an expression of my earnest desire to be scrupulously accurate and transparent in my research became, instead, nothing more than a distraction and liability.
The lesson I learned from that experience was this: The measure of a book’s success isn’t found in its footnotes, it can only be found in its utility. If you find the information contained in the pages of this book to be useful to you, then that is a very good thing. In that case, I would recommend that you put that information to work at making your relationships more fulfilling, and your life better. I would also ask you to recommend or give the book to your friends and relatives who might derive some benefit from it.
If, on the other hand, you don’t much like the facts and statistics that I’ve presented in this book, or if you strongly disagree with my admittedly unique lifestyle perspective, that’s perfectly okay too. You are certainly entitled to your own opinions, if not your own set of facts. I would encourage you, if you’re any good at articulating your thoughts and are ready to write a best-selling book, to give me a call. Maybe I can help you out.
The bottom line is I hope you will enjoy reading this book as much as I enjoyed writing it, and that you will feel that the price you paid for it was money well-spent.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I want to express my undying gratitude to the very special people in my life who helped make this book possible. You believed in me, even when I found it hard to believe in myself. You encouraged, cajoled, and cheered me when I needed it most. You put up with my grump. You are my synergist, muse, and inspiration. Thank you so very much.
“We are defined by how we use our power.”
Gerry Spence, The Rat Hole (2003)
Chapter 1: The Dominant
What is a Dominant?
Just as we might expect any reasonable discussion of the solar system to focus first upon our sun, we’re going to begin our examination of Domination/submission (D/s) relationships by taking a look at the self-appointed center of the D/s universe, the Dominant. In any relationship, it is always the interplay of personalities that helps us to understand the true nature of the relationship dynamic at work. It isn’t so much about what happens inside of their heads, as it is about what happen
s between the partners in the relationship. This is very much the case in a D/s relationship, where the true expression of one’s core personality is enhanced by a partner who not only understands it, but encourages it and thrives upon it. After all, it’s hard to be a leader without a follower, and vice-versa.
In this chapter, we will explore the part that the Dominant plays in this little waltz. Some of the questions we’ll address are: What is a Dominant? What drives a Dominant? How does someone know if he or she is a Dominant? How does one approach, or please a Dominant? What are the risks and drawbacks of being a Dominant, or being involved with one? We’ll discuss those, and other relevant questions, because at the risk of appearing to contradict what I’ve just said in the preceding paragraph, it is important to understand what is going on inside of a Dominant’s head as a precursor to understanding what occurs between a Dominant and his or her submissive.
Knowing a Dominant’s heart and mind can often be a difficult thing. A Dominant, generally speaking, does not appreciate being psychoanalyzed, categorized, or labeled. The reason can be simply stated thusly: Scientia potentia est. Knowledge is power. For a Dominant, life is all about power, in one form or another. It needn’t always be about power over other people. Sometimes, it can be as simple as the power to control or change his own life circumstances, to alter his environment, or to choose his own path.
If you really want to learn about a person’s true character, the part of him that stays safely tucked away from view most of the time, just give him a little power. There is no faster, nor more accurate way to see what lies buried beneath the public veneer. You’ve no doubt seen what happens to petty bureaucrats when they’re given just a little bit of power. Various university psychological experiments have shown that when individuals are given the power to anonymously administer electrical shocks to another individual, they quickly become increasingly and surprisingly cruel in doing so. Just imagine what can happen when someone is handed absolute power over another human being. The results are often not very pretty.
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