How does one avoid that ugly and potentially dangerous possibility? One way is to learn the difference between a true Dominant and a pretender. A pretender is someone who is simply infatuated with the notion that having absolute power over another human being for the first time in his miserable, powerless life might be really cool. If you’re a submissive who would prefer to avoid becoming an unwitting part of someone’s tragically warped, doomed-from-the-start psycho-social experiment, avoid the pretenders.
Before we go any further, let’s clarify some terminology.
Throughout this book, I’ll often refer to a Dominant as “he” and a submissive as “she”. Please be assured that this is not the result of any gender bias, but simply a way to avoid the awkward and clunky “he or she” – or even worse, the grammatically incorrect “they.” It is also done out of recognition that, in a purely statistical sense, Dominants are far more likely to be male, and submissives to be female. Additionally, society generally characterizes dominance and submission as male and female traits, respectively. I really am fully aware and appreciative of the many good people both in and out of the lifestyle who defy the stereotypes. I am a wordsmith, and my job is to connect with an audience with a predominantly vanilla perspective. For those who may not have heard the term used in this context before, vanilla is the word used by those in the D/s lifestyle to describe those outside of it.
You’ll also see me using the terms “true Dominant” or “true submissive.” This will probably infuriate some folks, especially those who may be unsure or insecure about their place on the Dominant-submissive spectrum. Please remember that the great majority of people fall somewhere in the middle, with a rather equitable mix of both Dominant and submissive tendencies and character traits. That’s perfectly normal and acceptable, even in this culture that sometimes views normalcy as abhorrent. There’s no crime in being a lot like the great majority of humanity.
A very tiny percentage of people will find themselves at either extreme of the scale, feeling not just more comfortable there, but profoundly uncomfortable with the mere thought of being anywhere else. That isn’t to say that they can’t function in roles outside of their core D/s orientation; just that doing so brings them no sense of joy or fulfillment. For some, working or living counter to their core D/s orientation brings them a great deal of emotional stress and makes them want to escape to their inner happy place all the more. So, how does one spot the “true Dominant” in a world where people often change their roles the way we change our socks? The answer lies in that emotional stress and happy place.
Everyone experiences stress. It’s an integral part of life, and completely unavoidable. In many ways, we are defined by how we handle that stress and by how we process it. Imagine the difference between how you might expect an optimist to handle stress, versus how you might expect a pessimist to handle the same stressful situation. Imagine further how surprised you might be if a good friend, who always seemed cheerful and optimistic on the surface, inexplicably shifts into “doom and gloom” mode whenever the crapola hits the fan. Does that sound like anyone you know? If so, then you’ve experienced first-hand the phenomenon we’re talking about.
Your friend operates one way on the surface, when things are going the way they should, and another way below the surface, when things aren’t going quite so well. While we may sometimes refer to this as seeing someone “freak out,” in reality, what you’re seeing is simply a case of someone reverting to type. At a certain point, under extreme duress, a person no longer cares what anyone thinks and they abandon their carefully crafted façade and fall back upon their core coping strategy. Sometimes that core personality characteristic is in sync with their public persona and sometimes it isn’t. Frankly, being in sync isn’t really all that important to our purposes. My sole purpose in calling your attention to it is so you can apply what we’ll call the First Commandment of D/s Relationships: Know Thyself.
Knowing yourself is the singularly most important thing you must accomplish before even considering entering into a D/s relationship or adopting a BDSM lifestyle. Again, let me be clear about this. There is a huge difference between the BDSM activities that are a casual part of the Saturday night kink that spices up your sex life, versus entering into a D/s relationship or adopting it as a way of life. There’s nothing wrong with either, but you should just be sure never to confuse the two, and ensure that when you transition from one to the other, that you do it with your eyes open.
So, how well do you know yourself? Are you a true Dominant? What makes you think so? Are Dominants born that way, or can someone be trained to become a Dominant? We’ll explore those questions and others like them in the remainder of this chapter.
Let’s begin by asking a few simple introspective questions.
Introspection
Do you like being told what to do? Practically everyone answers “no” to this question, at first blush. After all, no one likes to be told what to do, particularly if it’s done rudely, or when it’s not necessary. But I want you to think very carefully, and ask yourself this: When I am confused, or hurt, or lost... when life seems to be crashing down around my shoulders, do I then like being told what to do? If you were to find yourself in a burning building, and an authoritative voice yells, “Everyone run to the rear exits!” do you reflexively do so, or do you instantly suspect that doing so might be a fatal mistake, if for no other reason, than because everyone else will be doing so? If your immediate and visceral reaction to any directive, no matter how reasonable, polite, or helpful, is generally negative then (at the risk of sounding like the punch line from a certain redneck comedy routine) you just may be a Dominant.
This is not to say that a Dominant can’t take orders. Of course they can take orders. A Dominant does what he has to do, but he doesn’t necessarily have to like it. In my particular case, even though I have been a die-hard Dominant all of my life, I was also able to have a very successful military career. I had two basic strategies for coping with being told what to do. First, I learned how to become so good at what I did, that even my superiors consistently came to me for advice and, second, I quickly got promoted to positions where I eventually became the one giving the orders.
Unfortunately, many people are eager to accept the common misconception that Dominants can’t or won’t take orders, or conversely, that because he does, he must not really be a Dominant. Just because every two-year old child is at the center of his or her own universe and doesn’t want to be told what to do doesn’t mean that every Dominant must behave like a two-year-old and throw a tantrum when he doesn’t get his way. It is, however, why it’s always important to be able to differentiate between what a person does and who a person is.
Are you stubbornly independent, even to a fault? Imagine wandering through an unfamiliar city, looking for the train station. Do you prefer to wander on your own, even if it takes twice as long to get to your destination, rather than ask someone for directions? Does it rub you the wrong way to accept help from someone, even if you sorely need it or are probably entitled to it? Are you the kind of person for whom the three most difficult words in the English language are “I need help?” If so, then you just may be a Dominant.
Pride can be a double-edged sword for the Dominant. It shapes and defines him like no other character trait yet it is simultaneously his greatest weakness. Despite the fact that he necessarily has an extraordinarily healthy ego, the Dominant is always painfully aware that he is far from perfect. Nevertheless, he often creates and nurtures for himself and others the illusion that he is always in control and rarely in need of assistance. To accept help, even when it is sorely needed, is to allow a chink in the carefully crafted illusion that makes him what and who he is.
If a Dominant allows you to help him, in even the tiniest way, you should probably consider that a great honor. In doing so, he has revealed a part of himself that he would rather not be confronted with, much less have to reveal to others. It is also an integral pa
rt of the power exchange that occurs between Dominant and submissive, which we’ll discuss at greater length elsewhere in this book.
Do people seem all too willing to grant you authority over various aspects of their lives? Examples might range from the serious to the mundane, such as trusting you with the keys to their homes or with access to their online accounts, or something as simple as ordering for them in restaurants. Are you often asked to help make important decisions for others, more because of your decision-making ability than because of your expertise on the subject at hand? When you are a member of a group or organization, are you frequently nominated for or elected to positions of authority, whether you want to be or not? If so, you just may be a Dominant.
Are you energetic and task oriented? Dominants tend to be very focused on accomplishing their goals, even if the goals may be unclear or out of reach at times. You won’t typically find a Dominant spending a lot of time soul searching, or second guessing his decisions. He is an unstoppable force until he hits an immovable object, in which case he often simply pivots and shoots off in another direction, until the next immovable object is encountered. When a Dominant is asked why he does what he does, the answer is almost invariably, because he can. If this sounds like you, you just may be a Dominant.
Are you sometimes hard to get along with? Anyone can be difficult to get along with at times, but the key in this instance is the why. A Dominant is usually more focused on facts than feelings. This tendency to overlook the feelings of others can sometimes result in the Dominant being characterized as harsh, disrespectful, or lacking compassion. At the same time, one advantage to this character trait in Dominants is the fact that you always know where you stand with him. He is not one to tiptoe around an issue in order to spare your feelings. Dominants are often characterized as being brutally honest and unafraid to tell you what they think. If your feelings get bruised by his direct manner, his response will usually be, “Get over it.” If that sounds all too familiar, you just may be a Dominant.
You’ve probably noticed that much of what we’ve said about Dominants thus far has been about how he feels, or how others feel about him. That’s because what sets the Dominant apart from the rest of humanity is his unique world view, and how he relates to others. Anyone can bark orders or learn to crack a whip. That doesn’t necessarily make him a Dominant. What makes him a Dominant is how he thinks and feels, how others perceive him, and how he relates.
Training a Dominant
Can a person be trained to be a Dominant? The answer is complicated, and depends entirely upon what kind of Dominant you’re referring to, how badly the person in question wants it, and whether he is capable of fundamental change on a core personality level.
The first factor is: What kind of Dominant are you trying to produce through training? If the answer to that question is, you’re looking to train a person who can be taught to act in a Dominant role, well then of course you can train someone to be a Dominant. Anyone with even a modicum of acting ability will fit the bill nicely. Of course, the issue then becomes, to what extent can you expect that person to “stay in character” and will he be capable of fulfilling those expectations? One should always remember that a person who is taught to play the role of a Dominant and puts on that mantle may eventually grow bored with the role at some point and cast it off. While it is true that such an eventuality may not be too critical in a mutual role play environment, it can be completely devastating in other situations. When serious relationship commitments are made based upon the reasonable expectation that your partner is actually a Dominant and is supposed to stay that way, the end of a role play can signal bad times ahead.
But what if you’re seeking to produce what we’ve thus far been referring to as a true Dominant through training? Is it at all possible? If it is possible, is it something that anyone should attempt to do? As usual, the answers can be complicated, but here they are, in a nutshell: Yes, it is possible. It’s very difficult, but it is possible. Whether it should be attempted depends entirely on the trainer, the person being trained, his reasons for wanting to be trained, how badly he wants it, and whether he is capable of such a fundamental character changes. Let’s briefly examine each of those factors in turn.
Anyone who attempts to train another person to be a true Dominant must first be a true Dominant, himself. If this is not the case, his efforts will be doomed from the start. It would be a lot like a non-dancer trying to teach someone to cha-cha, or a negaholic attempting to teach someone how to be an optimist. Anyone who may be contemplating an attempt to turn someone else into a Dominant should first engage in some serious soul searching. It is not a decision that should ever be made lightly. Even when the trainer has all of the right credentials, there is also the not-so-insignificant matter of whether he has the training skills to be up to the task. I like to think I am a pretty good driver, but whenever I try to teach someone how to drive, there’s usually a lot of screaming, choking, and crying involved. Teaching someone how to be, as opposed to teaching them what to do, is even harder. It is never an easy thing. Ask any shrink.
Anyone who wants to be trained as a Dominant has some important questions to answer, as well. The question that should be at the very top of that list is this one: Why do you want to be a Dominant? There are many possible responses that can be given to that question, but there is really only one that makes any sense at all and should be considered the only correct answer. It is: Because I know that at my core, that is who I am, and I want to learn to express and conduct myself in harmony with that.
Here are just a few of the many incorrect answers I’ve been given in response to this question:
· I hear being dominant is a sure way to get lots of sex. Is that true?
· I’m kinky, being dominant is kinky... Well, duh!
· I can’t seem to get laid any other way, so I’ll try being a Dominant.
· That whole whips and chains thing just sounds so cool.
· I like the idea of being able to tell people what to do.
· I want sex slaves. There’s no limit on how many I can have, is there?
· I really hate women. / I think women are inferior. / Revenge is sweet.
· I really hate men. / I think men are inferior. / Revenge is sweet.
· My girlfriend / boyfriend / husband / wife thinks I should be a Dominant.
· I’m bored / I’m crazy / I’m curious / I’m sick / I’m a moron.
As hard as it may be to believe, those are all real reasons that real people have given me - in complete earnestness - for wanting to become a Dominant. If any of them sound applicable to you, my sincere and heartfelt advice to you is, please put any thought of becoming a Dominant completely out of your head. Find another hobby. Learn to dance, or something. Your future submissives will thank you. Your fellow Dominants will thank you. Your girlfriend / boyfriend / husband / wife / significant-other who suggested it to you in the first place will thank you.
If the prospective trainer is credible and capable and the would-be Dominant sincerely wants to be trained for all the right reasons, the next hurdle is to learn whether the Dominant-in-training is capable of changing the way he thinks, feels, and conducts himself accordingly. This task usually falls into the category of “far easier said than done.” One way to explore this part of the process is to ask deep, thought-provoking questions that are designed to take a person beyond the superficial stereotypes that are generally associated with the D/s lifestyle in general, and with being a Dominant in particular.
One of those questions is: What does it really mean to you to have a submissive, or slave? The superficial, stereotypical answer is usually something like: I get to tell someone what to do, and she has to obey me. But how many people have really given much thought to anything beyond that point? I always follow that question up with a few more, like the following:
· What if you tell your submissive what to do, and she doesn’t obey you? What then?
· Why in the wo
rld should your submissive want to obey you?
· What if your directives turn out to be wrong, misguided, or even dangerous?
· What are the limits to your responsibilities to your submissive, or her responsibilities to you?
· Are you required to fulfill any, or all, of her needs?
· Where do you draw the line at meeting her emotional, physical, intellectual, financial, social or educational needs?
· Would you be prepared to put her through school, pay her bills, or care for her if she were incapacitated?
If some of those questions sound an awful lot like the sort of questions people should be asking before entering into a marriage, guess what? It’s no coincidence. Frankly, a marriage can be a lot less complicated than a D/s relationship. A marriage is typically viewed (at least, in the vanilla world) as an equal partnership between two people. But a D/s relationship places a disproportionately heavy burden upon a Dominant to be a leader, mentor, teacher, provider, guide, inspiration, planner, problem solver, and so much more.
It would certainly be simpler for everyone concerned if the answer to all of those questions is: We have no real responsibilities to each other. We are simply role playing, or enjoying an online-only relationship. Much simpler. But you should always be mindful of the fact that the emotions that are felt in those venues are quite real to those involved and can often cause people to blur the lines between role playing and real life. Before that happens to you and/or someone you play with, ask yourself some of the questions above, even - no, especially - if you aren’t quite sure what your answers will be.
Another important question that any would-be Dominant should ask himself is: Would you still want to be a Dominant, even if it meant that there would be absolutely no sex involved? If you honestly can’t separate being a Dominant from the sexual aspects of the lifestyle, then perhaps your reasons for wanting to be a Dominant are just a tad superficial. A Dominant shouldn’t be defined by his sexual activities, and sex should never be the primary motivation for wanting to be a Dominant, any more than it should be the primary focus of a meaningful relationship. It’s entirely possible to be a Dominant, in or outside of a relationship, without ever expressing that aspect of your personality sexually. Obviously, for most people, that would not be the ideal arrangement, but it is possible and it happens more often than you might think.
Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook Page 2
