Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  What Kind of Dominant Would You Be?

  If you are on the path to becoming a Dominant, ask yourself this question: What kind of Dominant would you be? For those of you who already consider yourselves Dominants, ask it like this: What kind of Dominant are you? There are many different kinds of Dominants in this lifestyle and just as many types of D/s relationships, which are defined predominantly (is that a pun? I just never know any more) by the Dominants that lead them. Please spend some time pondering the following questions. It’s okay if you don’t have easy answers to all of them just yet. They are supposed to be hard. Ponder them sincerely now, and revisit them occasionally in the future as you progress along your path. Refer to the glossary at the end of this book for definitions of terms with which you may be unfamiliar.

  Are you a cruel or kind Dominant?

  Are you a sadist? If so, how much of a sadist?

  Does it matter to you if your partner is a masochist?

  Are you monogamous or polyamorous?

  If you are polyamorous, are you polyfidelous?

  Do you hold your partners to a different loyalty standard than you set for yourself?

  Are there aspects of being a Dominant that appeal to you more than others?

  How important is protocol to you, and what part does it play in your relationships?

  Do you punish your submissives? If so, how?

  How do you handle conflict?

  Do you easily become angry? How do you express your anger?

  What is the best way for your partner(s) to manage a conflict with you?

  Do you prefer a submissive who is a masochist? Why or why not?

  How much masochism is too much?

  Do you prefer your D/s relationship to be public or private?

  What should or shouldn’t your vanilla friends and family know about your lifestyle?

  Do you prefer your partners to be subs or slaves?

  Do you have lots of rules or very few? Are they formal or informal? Are they inviolate, or flexible?

  Is it important for you to connect and socialize with others in the D/s lifestyle?

  Types of Dominants

  There are many different kinds of Dominants that you’ll encounter in the D/s lifestyle and, as you may well imagine, it’s rare that anyone will match an archetypal profile exactly. As is the case with any stereotype, the more you know about an individual, the less they will seem to match any generalization. As I mentioned earlier, I also think it’s important to determine, to the best of your ability, the degree to which being a Dominant is hardwired into the person’s brain, as opposed to being the product of role play behavior. This is one area where assumptions can lead to some reeeeeally bad decisions.

  What follows, in no particular order, is a list of what I consider to be the eight general types of Dominants and a ninth category of non-Dominant.

  The Sadistic Dom

  A Sadistic Dominant is one who enjoys or becomes sexually aroused from inflicting physical or emotional pain or discomfort upon his partners. Whether or not his partner is a masochist (someone who enjoys pain) is usually irrelevant to the pleasure that a Sadistic Dominant gets from inflicting it. Within this category of Dominant, there is a wide spectrum of sadism that can range from the minimally sadistic yet skilled pain-inflictor on one end, to the abusive or pathologically dangerous extreme sadist at the other end of the scale. For a pathological sexual sadist, the mere thought of causing someone permanent or crippling bodily harm or even death may actually be a turn-on. One should therefore always take great caution, especially when meeting or playing with a sadistic Dominant for the first time, to attempt to learn what’s on his mind, and to protect yourself in the event that things start down a path that you did not anticipate. How badly can things go, if and when they do take a turn for the worse? For the answer to that question, consider the fact that some of the worst serial killers in our nation’s history have been sadistic Dominants. Fortunately, there are quite a few simple steps that you can take to help ensure that your very first encounter with a sadistic Dominant (or for that matter, anyone that you may be meeting for the first time) is safe, sane, and consensual. Those steps are discussed at great length in Chapter 8: Meeting for the First Time.

  Clinically speaking, the general consensus of the medical professionals who happen to be in the business of psychoanalyzing and categorizing sexual deviancy is that there are four general classes of sexual sadists. They are:

  The Class I Sexual Sadist is a person who has sexually sadistic urges, but doesn’t act upon them. In a nutshell, he’s all about the fantasy.

  The Class II Sexual Sadist is someone who acts upon his sexually sadistic impulses, but only does so with consenting partners. As sexual sadists go, this is good. This also describes about half of the people in your local BDSM munch group.

  The Class III Sexual Sadist is someone who acts out his sexually sadistic impulses with non-consenting individuals, but does not want to seriously injure or kill them. Sure, he’s a predator and rapist but, apparently, he’s the Care Bear kind.

  Class IV Sadist: A person who acts out his sexually sadistic urges with non-consenting individuals and does want to seriously injure or kill them. So, on the off-chance that you raced through that sentence without observing the caution sign, please allow me to refocus your attention upon it once more: “does want to seriously injure or kill.” It has a little more oomph if you tack the word “you” on at the end of it, but if you really want the full effect, try adding, “and cook you and feed you to the people he hates at a church barbeque.”

  Anyone who may be considering a play date or entering into a relationship with a Sadistic Dominant is strongly advised to seek out one of the first two varieties, rather than the latter two. Consent, in this lifestyle, is everything. There is a little word with big ramifications for non-consensual sexual activity - in or out of the lifestyle. In most states, it’s called rape.

  The Gorean Slave Master

  The Gorean Slave Master is a Dominant who follows the traditions of Gor, a fictional planet described and popularized in the pulp erotic science fiction novels published by John Frederick Lange, Jr. under the pen-name John Norman. The Gor series of novels, thirty-two of them in all, gained considerable popularity in the 1970s and 80s and were loosely based on the works of Edgar Rice Burroughs, specifically his John Carter of Mars novels. John Norman’s novels created a robust mythical extraterrestrial cultural framework to fuel the erotic imaginations of millions of mostly-adolescent males at the time, but it was his nonfiction book, Imaginative Sex, which was published first in 1974 and republished in 1997 with more of a BDSM focus, that made Gor a significant subculture within the D/s lifestyle. It is worth noting that John Norman has never advocated for the adoption of the societal customs or sexual practices of the fictional planet Gor by anyone in real life. Even so, since the Gor phenomenon seems to have taken on a life of its own that even its creator could never have foreseen, it might be helpful to know something about it. For a more in-depth discussion of Gor, including its real life applications, be sure to check out Chapter 7: The Gorean Way.

  A Gorean Slave Master, almost by definition, is a male Dominant who prefers slaves to submissives and subscribes to a highly stylized, authoritarian, and ritualistic way of life described in the Gor novels. In John Norman’s books, males are predominantly freeborn, while some females are born slaves, and others are captured and made slaves. Female slaves are trained in the art of pleasuring, and are often used for sexual purposes with no consideration given to their thoughts on the matter. Slaves, who typically wear silks and bells similar to what might be considered traditional middle-eastern harem attire, are expected to learn a variety of sexual submission poses, and to accept being routinely loaned out or given to others for sexual favors. Slave girls are often taught to avoid direct eye contact with males, speak of themselves in the third person, and to perform serving rituals and dances. Theoretically, at least, the customs and protocols of a Gor
ean relationship are enforced by the sword. Think: Conan the Barbarian meets I Dream of Jeanie.

  The Daddy or Mommy Dom

  The Daddy Dom or Mommy Domme is typically a Dominant whose primary mode of expressing himself in the D/s lifestyle is through a nurturing sort of paternalism or maternalism. The relationship dynamic may involve sexual or nonsexual age play, erotic or nonsexual spankings, incest role-play, and other forms of role play. It is often erroneously assumed, both by people in and outside of the D/s lifestyle, that Daddy or Mommy Doms harbor pedophilic thoughts and tendencies. The truth is, Daddy and Mommy Doms are statistically no more likely to be pedophiles than any other random sampling of the general population. Daddy and Mommy Doms are not attracted to children; they are attracted to adults who embrace their inner child and exhibit childlike behaviors, which may or may not be sexual in nature. Consider this rather self-evident observation: Daddy and Mommy Doms prefer adults who enjoy and are skilled at expressing themselves in this dynamic because, frankly, actual children would be terrible at it.

  For the sake of simplicity, we’ll henceforth dispense with the clunky practice of referring to this category of Dominant as the Daddy or Mommy Dom, and just call it what it is for the vast majority of the folks who comprise this particular D/s subculture – the Daddy Dom. Just remember that anything we say about the Daddy Dom probably applies equally to Mommy Dommes, as well.

  Most Daddy Doms find fulfillment in the relationship dynamic that exists between the Dominant and his submissive, who is usually referred to as baby, babygirl, little one, or other pet name that suggests and reinforces the submissive’s child-like status in the relationship. The components of the relationship dynamic that a Daddy Dom seeks – no, craves - from his babygirl usually include the ability to trust absolutely and without reservation, a spirit of wide-eyed innocence and playfulness, an eagerness for mentoring and guidance, and the kind of gleeful no-holds-barred adoration and worship that only little girls and puppies seem capable of demonstrating.

  Lifestyle Daddy Doms should be willing to take their Daddy responsibilities beyond the bedroom. That can mean helping their babygirls to make the kinds of decisions that would be difficult for an adult, spending an evening watching her favorite cartoons, reading stories aloud to her, brushing her hair, or just holding her when she is frightened or feeling down. It can also require loads of patience, which may be needed when doing things like shopping, explaining things, disciplining, or dealing with little tantrums. Any Dominant who might be considering the Daddy Dom lifestyle should seriously consider all of the aspects of being in this kind of relationship, and not just the pervy ones.

  The FemDom Mistress

  The FemDom Mistress is something of an anomaly in the categorization of Dominants, for the simple reason that while practically all of the other categorizations of Doms are gender-neutral, the FemDom is always a dominant woman who makes the most of a unique combination of force and sexual role reversal. The FemDom, who may prefer either male or female submissives, is also sometimes referred to as a Domme, Domina, Dominatrix, or Mistress. Traditional FemDom BDSM scene activities include pegging (anal intercourse utilizing a strap-on dildo), face-sitting, forced feminization of male submissives, CBT (cock and ball torture), forced felching (orally sucking semen out of a person’s anus. Yes, there really is a word for that), tie-and-tease play, forced orgasm, orgasm deferral or denial, various forms of physical or verbal humiliation, and sexual sadism in general. Though it isn’t necessarily a requisite part of a FemDom’s repertoire, there is often a significant element of misandry, or hatred of men, involved, whether real or role-played.

  A sub-category of FemDom is the FinDom, which is a contraction of Financial Dominant. A FinDom expects her submissives to support her financially by paying tribute to her in the form of cold hard cash or lavish gifts. She typically maintains an online wish list of items that she hopes someone will purchase for her. Submissives who show their devotion to a FinDom by paying this tribute usually do so without any expectation of receiving anything in return except, perhaps, scorn and continued exploitation. It should come as no surprise to anyone that some FinDoms are more authentic than others. How do you recognize the phonies? They’re the ones posting photos taken at their trailer park.

  The Bear Dom

  The Bear Dom is typically a burly gay or bisexual male Dominant who prefers diminutive and youthful gay or bisexual male submissives. Some Bear Doms are attracted to lady-boys and boyish females, as well. They are called Bear Doms mostly for their tendency to exhibit hyper-masculinity and somewhat exaggerated male characteristics such as a muscular or stocky build and abundant body hair. Bear Doms are commonly encountered in the BDSM leather and LGBT subcultures.

  The Lesser God Dom

  The Lesser God Dom (sometimes referred to as Lord, Prophet, Pharoah, or Pharoanic Lord) is a Dominant who expects and thrives on the worship of his submissives. This adoration and worship, which can sometimes take the form of highly ritualistic activities and behaviors, has but one purpose, which is the ego gratification of the Lesser God. It is relatively common for the real-life households of Lesser God Doms to forsake all traditional forms of religion in order to practice their own home-grown religion, with the Dominant at its head and submissives as religious acolytes. In such cases, the Dominant is usually regarded by his submissives as a deity, or as a prophet of God.

  The Lesser God generally prefers slaves to submissives and, in either case, often considers them simply as expendable vessels to be used for his own pleasure or procreation. He is more likely than not to be polyamorous and/or polygamous. When the Lesser God has a full stable of slaves, whether real-life or role-played, it is relatively common to see a high degree of specialization among the acolytes. Some may be considered breeders and used solely for the purpose of bearing and raising children, while others may be considered pleasure slaves, income earners, or recruiters of new slaves. For the Lesser God, being called “God’s gift to mankind” isn’t an insult at all; it’s a way of life.

  The Collector Dom

  The Collector Dom (sometimes referred to as a Farmer Dom) is a type of Dominant who is far more likely to be encountered online than in real life. The Collector is focused on building a stable of submissives, similar to a harem. For the Collector, quantity always trumps quality. In his way of thinking, the measure of a Dom’s standing is how many submissives he can accumulate, without much regard for who, or even what, those submissives may be. It is relatively common for a Collector Dom to attempt to collar a submissive mere minutes after meeting her for the first time in an online chat room or on a BDSM social network, which sometimes results in the so-called Dom being comically unaware of his own submissives’ ages, genders, or even their names.

  The Collector is typically an adolescent male in his teens or early twenties who has recently stumbled upon D/s in an online chat room or lifestyle-related website. He is agog and obsessed with the thought that he can actually acquire slaves online the same way he shops for Pokemon cards. He typically doesn’t understand the difference between a submissive and a slave and may, in fact, be completely ignorant of the meaning of the term submissive. For the Collector, it’s all about slaves and more is always better. To absolutely no one’s surprise but his own, he soon learns that keeping them is an entirely a different matter - a matter to which he hasn’t given an iota of thought. Luckily for the Collector, there is always an endless supply of naive teens willing to role play “slave for a day.” The important thing, for the Collector, is to be able to boast, “You have a slave? Hah! That’s nothing! I have twenty-seven of them!”

  There are two very good reasons why the Collector Dom phenomenon exists almost exclusively in the cyber realm, rather than in the real world. First, being a sophomore in high school and having a ten o’clock curfew can be problematic in the accumulation of slaves in real life. And second, it’s a lot harder in real life to keep twenty-seven angry slaves from beating you to a bloody pulp.

&n
bsp; The Ineffable Dom

  I’m going to invent a final unique category of Dominant, which I hereby christen the Ineffable Dom. Ineffable is a word that essentially means “impossible to be categorized or adequately described in words.” It’s a word that became fashionable during the middle-ages as a way for many philosophers to oxymoronically describe God as indescribable. My reason for creating this category out of whole cloth is in recognition of the fact that many lifestyle Dominants just can’t be neatly pigeon-holed into any of the other categories. They are, quite simply, atypical or unique.

  The Ineffable Dom is typically a Dominant who has been in the D/s lifestyle for several years or longer and has, mostly through trial and error, learned what does and doesn’t appeal to him and what works best in his D/s relationships. Over this span of time, he has consciously explored and borrowed traits and characteristics from other more traditional Dominant categories. Additionally, the synergy created with each new partner brings new facets to the Ineffable Dom’s understanding and interests. The Ineffable Dom steals unashamedly from any D/s lifestyle tradition that strikes his fancy, taking what he considers the best bits and pieces of each and tossing them all into a hodge-podge D/s stew that, surprisingly, can turn out to be quite delicious. Never discount or underestimate a Dominant simply because he cannot adequately describe in 25 words or less what kind of Dominant he is. He may just be an Ineffable Dom.